Unfortunately, I am an asshole. I don’t know why but I take pleasure in other people’s misery, even when those said people are completely harmless and content in their existance. Some righteous part of me feels the need to point out their insecurities and flaws, it’s not meant to be hurtful, it’s just a way to give people an outsite, realistic perspective on their behavior. I don’t sit here on my throne, and by throne I mean 2 milk crates, thinking I am any better than you, but when it comes down to it, I probably am. This is a myspace profile that I came across and felt it deserved to be commented on. This girl’s maternal instinct is kickin’ in hard, she’s ready for love, proven by her “erotic” pics, and ready for babies proven by her uncomfortable relationship with her cat. So here after the laughter subsided here at DrunkenStepfather, I decided to reach out and do a little public service, because it’s been a while since the court ordered me to help the community, and I figured I had my fair share of lonely male readers on the site, so I decided to direct all you guys, who are ready to settle down to this poor girl, and in the process give all you sane people a good laugh, because admit it, other people’s misfortune and a crazy cat lady under 30 is always fucking funny.
Visit this slut Here, but don’t tease her, she will just try to convince that she’s completely happy with her life and don’t say I am all bad, cuz baby I may get you cock.
The rumor is that these video clips of a girl getting fucked by a redneck with a dildo, stuffed in his pants and stickin’ out his fly is really of a younger Shania Twain. I think the reality of the situation is that the only thing Shania had to do with these clips is provide the soundtrack, and probably not even legitimately. The real issue at hand here is that dude’s stuffin her with a rubber dick, simulating real sex, and I don’t fully understand why. Either he’s impotent (we respect his creative ways to work around that), he’s got herpes (90% of the population does) or he’s not Shania’s boyfriend, and everyone knows that fucking someone with a rubber cock is not considered cheating, either is paying for sex. That was advice for you married guys who are in the mood to stray, but I realize none of you are married and the next time you have the chance to stuff a chick with a dildo is probably never.
I am convinced that 95 percent of women have cellulite on the back of their thighs, it’s got something to do with having ovaries and a uterus or someshit. I like to call it estrogen love pockets. The other 5 percent of girls who don’t have cellulite are either 9 year olds, crackwhores, anorexic bitches or dudes dressed like women, you know the contour panty wearing type. I love the fact that people are gonna bust on Christina’s face for having a little junk on her legs, and I will do, just because she’s in the fucking lime-light.org, and has to realize that being on TV, in Concert, and a subject of many photographers, bitch better maintain. That would be like me auditioning to be in a porn movie, I am impotent and 3 inches hard, if I can even get hard….
I don’t think that made any sense, but the point of this post is to say, that I would still stick it to X-Tina, fat latina legs and all.
I don’t know about you, but that Rosie O’Donnell TV movie where she plays a retard changed my life. I realized that there are some women that I would never fuck, even if I was stuck on a deserted island with Rosie O’Donnell and the Fag who won the first survivor and I needed to pussy, I would take the survivor guy. He would also be a good choice for obvious survival skills, and being his man-love would only bring good things, but you get the point, I would take cock over Rosie any day, even if her pussy resembles a cock….anyway Andie McDowell was in that retard movie and rumor on the internet is that she has breast implants. I am not really a fan of breast implants, but more importantly, I am not a fan of floppy pancake titties, I figure if a bitch has nipples that aim towards the ground, or that flatten against her chest like a deflated hemroid donut, shit’s gotta be re-worked. Now Andie McDowell looks like she’s in her 40s and with age comes loosening at the seams, like that old sweater I rock, cuz I can’t afford a new one. Reality is age never really through me off when it came to bedding girls, I lost my virginity at the age of 14 to a 63 year old who used to make me cut her grass then eat her out, I am not the type of person who turns down a dollar.
She’s the hottest thing right now, horse teeth aside, I would totally let her wash my car in cut off shorts and a bikini top, that is if I had a car, which I don’t, but I have a pretty slammin’ bus pass that gets me where I need to go, when I need to get there….The benefit of having her all over the media, comfortable in her newly found in-shape body, ready to flash us her floral print panties when getting out of her ride. Now I don’t fully have a problem with floral panties, except for the fact that they remind me of my granny and I have nothing but good memories of her. I don’t know if you are a fan of the site, but if you are, you will know that I was kidnapped by a texan cult leader and I was responsibe for cleaning up after his his ceremonial gangbangs, before social services saved my youth. During those years, I was cleaned my fair share of floral panties that belonged to a few older widows, who were searching for salvation. Jessica Simpson is officially closer to my heart, unless the colors we see are really a result of vaginal infection, her period and Nick’s fetus.
Jordan is a total nothing of a celebrity, but we all know her, simply because of her tits and her ability to expose herself at all the right events. This is her at the Dukes of Hazard premier, which may not be the classiest event to attend, but realistically it doesn’t warrant showing up in a bikini bottom and grabbing your cooter for all to gawk over. It’s actually pretty trashy and I am offended by her behavior. Who am I kidding, the reality is that I am no Emily Post, and I fucking love a trashy girl and someone confident enough to show off her body while masturbating at a major “industry” event. I think more women out there need to unbotton their cardigan sweaters and show the world what you’re made of, unless you’re fat, because no one wants to see that unless they are fucking drunk and incapable of remembering you the morning after.
Mandy Moore has taking things too far. In a publicity stunt, this bitch has decided to congregate with the common people, but by being raised in the entertainment industry, she has no concept of what common people are. So she hooked herself up with someone way below the realm of average, a homeless diesel dyke with a fem-mullet. The reality is that wholesome Mandy Moore, isn’t so wholesome, when she was with Andy Roddick, he taught her how much tennis players like taking out the aggression of losing out on the cunt, in his very own sex dungeon. I think the reality is that she’s not trying to hang with common people, she’s just trying to reach the next level in her sexual escapades, and that includes getting fucked by a strap-on dildo totoing – middle aged homeless lesbian. The one and only time I ever let a girl fuck me up my ass with a strap on was when I got raped by a woman who liked this. Rape is not a laughing matter, but it is when it comes to me, because my years in Prison taught me how to take it like a man.
Scout Willis is Bruce’s 14 year old tramp-in-training of a daughter. Her dad’s slamming Lohan, her mom’s slamming Ashton Kutcher, making her future potential step-parents, equally washed-up “it” celebrities of yesteryear. If you’re asking yourself why I dropped the word yesteryear, I don’t blame you, it’s a gay fucking word that should be re-issued in day-to-day conversation, because nowadays everyone’s a fucking faggot. Now, looking at Scout Willis, one can predict a future teenage-film career, thanks nepotism, you can also predict future abortions, STD tests and cocaine binges. Bitch is already rocking lingerie for an outfit and a pair of Frye Boots, and we know only sluts wear Frye.
I remember when I was down in Arkansas on business, and I use the term business loosely, I say a whole lot of Cowboy hookers rockin’ Frye. They told me they worked the farm scene by day…apparantly that meant the milked cows and got fucked by horses….
Ok, so I am lying, I have never been in Arkansas, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a loser for reading this.
The T-shirt of the day is from a pretty obvious place, but keeping up with my old school strategy of trying to piss you, the reader off – I am just not gonna tell you…The reason I like this shirt is not cuz it’s hard, and makes people think you’re crazy suicidal and pedophilic while you rock it, I like this shirt because it reminds me of my childhood. Yes, I am that little girl on a swing, and that man hanging himself is my dad, he hates me because I cost too much money to raise. The pressure of putting food on the table while buying me all the frilly dresses at the local market is just too much for him to take…the pressure of raising a little princess on a peasant’s budget would drive any man crazy…you see that’s what I thought my whole life, I was convinced he did it because I was too expensive, and blamed myself, until I realized that he did it cuz my mommy was fucking his brother and father behind his back.
Did you like that story. It was all a lie. But the t-shirt’s hot…admit it.
I know the rumor on the street was that this bitch didn’t have a pussy, and was built a little more like Denzel Washington than most of you jiggy hip hop kids would like to admit….you know that kind of girl you hook up with late at night after a night of drinking, who looks banging from the front with tits like “this” and slammin’ from the back with a booty you could use as a bookshelf..only to realize that once bitch is done sucking you off she pulls out her dick and says “my turn. These pics don’t prove shit, all we know is that Ciara doesn’t maintain her junk, cuz bitch has a little cabbage patch on the left side, yeah that’s the crip side.
The beauty of drugs is that they help you feel good, when the whole world is against you. The problem with drugs is that sometimes your emotions take a hit and forgetting your problems becomes impossible…no matter how many lines you cut, you just feel worse and worse, eventually breaking down and crying for all to see. Something like this happened to Lohan recently. She was out partying and all of a sudden, she cracked, broke into tears, and we’ve go the pictures. I hate to speculate what her real problems are, I know it’s got nothing to do with paying the mortgage, or daddy not lending her the car for the night, I think it’s got more to do with the herpes she’s hooked up and the fact that she’s gotta tell the guy she’s about to bring home that she’s got an outbreak. I guess there could be other issues like a serious lack of acceptance by the general public, maybe the love of her life Wilmer “herpes patient zero” was making out with some other 17 year old slag…I guess the list is endless, but I will guarantee all her problems are menial compared to yours. I remember the last time I cried while high. I was watching Bambi and that scene where they kill the mother was just too hard to deal with…maybe it’s because I never knew my mother, she was too busy sucking dick for money to breast feed me.
Brooke Burke modifies her bikini by putting the straps on so that she doesn’t get a tan line. The last time I modified something of my own is when I took a pair of jeans and turned them into a slamming pair of cut-offs, I looked incredible when the apples of bottom were exposed for all to see, the only mistake I made was that they were my only pair of pants and was forced to rock them in situations deemed inappropriate, like my court hearing. I still got off, I think the judge liked what I was packing, and I became huge in the local gay scene. I got nothing but love for people who take it upon themselves to design their own clothes to better suit their bodies. I would do it again if I could afford a pair of scissors!
I personally hate bloggers, but I won’t lie, the assholes at TheSuperficial have made me laugh before, and I never laugh, so they are doing something right. I don’t know if you remember but I was guest editor at Fleshbot for a week, so I think it would only be appropriate for my blogging career to take on celeb gossip, since I have already tackled sex.
I am asking that you, my sole surving reader since I got lazy and everyone else got AIDS, email these fucks at TheSuperficial.com, and tell them that I am the only writer for the job.
It’s nice when people swim topless, especially when drunk. It reminds me of a bad teen movie on prom night, not that I have ever seen teen movies, I can’t really afford a TV. I was lucky enough to see this bitch surf in Blue Crush, only because they were playing it on my bus to Canada. I can say that Michelle Rodriguez, a fellow Mexican knows how to show a party at the Shore Club Skybar just what it takes to be famous, and that is no fear towards showing your tits and a capacity to suck a lot of producer cock. Not that I would really know, it’s been years since my last audition, but I can only assume this is a major defining factor in why she is a B-Lister and not working as a chamber maid. I didn’t say that cuz she’s mexican, I said that cuz she’s a girl – so fuck you for calling me a racist.
In all honesty, I have no idea if this is even her.
I personally hate bloggers, but I won’t lie, the assholes at TheSuperficial have made me laugh before, and I never laugh, so they are doing something right. I don’t know if you remember but I was guest editor at Fleshbot for a week, so I think it would only be appropriate for my blogging career to take on celeb gossip, since I have already tackled sex.
