I never read the Kama Sutra. My parents strictly forbade it. My perverse yogi uncle however, did introduce me to several positions of sexual pleasure. They all seem to involve rusty sewer pipes, his sphincter and freshly made, hot dhosas in my virginal girl slit. They sear the most sensual scars on my purple labia. I find the connections to the Kama Sutra obscure and evasive. But what do I know. A simple call center girl from Bangalore should never question such wondrous mystery.
This brings me to the first new sex ritual of the New Year. It is a tribute to one of your great authors, Ernest Hemmingway. I call it, The Old Man and the Sea. To perform this most erotic act, you need to kidnap an old homeless man. The one in the picture is Pradeep. My uncle found him in the Ganges deep in meditative prayer. So he beat him senseless with a stale phulka and brought him home to my meager cot. There, my uncle awoke the old man with a sound slap to the genitals. Fragrant cardamom pods were put in his nostrils. My uncle then made the rundi ka bacha sodomize me with his unusually virile lund while he strangled his feeble neck with a dirty bungee cord. When his ejaculate had coated my tender chipkali to my uncle’s satisfaction, he filled his anus with coriander and drowned him in our slum’s communal bathtub because he had defiled me. This is The Old Man and the Sea. Own it and love it. Happy New Year from your favorite girl Hindu.
This is Christmas in Bangalore, India. A decrepit old relic of a Santa Claus, who reeks of burnt fenugreek and prods my girl holes until I run under our front porch to play with rats. Merry Christmas from your favorite little Hindu, Priti. Motherfuck you.
Jessica Simpson’s lips are fucked since she injected them with plastic. There’s nothing wrong with plastic surgery if you got face problems. What happened here is an insecurity developed based on nothing, she would freak out about her pencil thin lips and how unattractive they made here. Now bitch looks like she got beat up by her bf, and although he’s cut, I doubt he could hurt her, motherfucker’s too into cock. Either way, I gave you 2 Simpson pics for the day. Be happy.
Terry Richardson was made famous by Vice Magazine, Vice Magazine was made famous by American Apparel. American Apparel was made famous by amateur photography that bit Richardson’s style. Richardson bit Nan Goldin’s style. It’s all whole cycle of who made who famous and who ripped who off and the point of the story is we don’t give a fuck. I remember Stephanie Seymour when she was the coke/dorritos girl, obviously not too well, I have spent many years drinkin to forget, but it seems I only forget the things I am not trying to forget…..
When a local stripper and a celebrity porn star meet, it’s like watching kids at disneyland, you know, meeting Mickey for the first time. This stripper’s dream is to grow some titties with the money she makes riding truckers and make her way to L.A. for a life a suckin’ dick. It’s nice that this was documented.
I guess no one really cares about the nipples of some 26 year old celebrity daughter, who got knocked up by some bearded motherfucker in some band none of us listen to, but they are nipples, and like I always say, my obsession with nipples started when my whore mother neglected to breast feed me. I don’t mean whore in a derrogatory way, she was proud of her life work, up until the day she died. So fuck you.
I am a fan of Jessica Simpson, especially with her titties squeezed up into her chest, a pair of bootyshorts and an upskirt pic. I am pretty drunk and have nothing else to say about that. I know all you twats are annoyed of my rants. If I was with you right now, I’d kiss you. Not because I am gay, but because I am horny.
No matter how many years go by, you will always be the bitch I used to finger my ass to in the 90′s. You may be asking yourself why I would be fingering my ass to any girl and the answer is simple, I am impotent and this is the only way I could induce a flacid orgasm, so stop being so critical and look at this Aladin outfit worn by Posh, showing off all kinds of parts of her body, like a good Ol’ Drag Queen, heading to Elton John’s Gay Wedding reception. I got nothing wrong with drag queens or Posh Spice dressing as one, as long as she sings “I Will Survive”. Not in reference to her cheating man, but just because that’s what drag queens sing.
This girl is 17,and looks like 35 year old chain smoking cocktail waitress. There’s something about a teenage girl who’s face hangs off her cheek bones that reminds me of mal-nourished street workers with syphilis. Syphilis is the new common cold where I am from and the exciting thing about it is that you can brag to your friends about having an STD, and it’s curable. It’s always nice to experience everything in life, and rumor is girls are turned on my guys who have had the germ….
It must be nice to be rich. You can go into Agent Provocateur and buy all the luxury lingerie you want to wear from your boyfriend named Cash Money, without a care in the world. It’s like you wake in the morning and say to yourself “I want to slut out tonight to spice up my relationship, because I am an actor, and performing is what I do, even when in the bedroom with you”. Dude, the only thing my wife’s ever dressed up as for me is a fucking pumpkin, and it wasn’t deliberate she had some fuckin rash that turned her gut orange and we just made a game out of it. I always had a thing for pumpkins, probably because I never got to carve them on Halloween like the other kids, I was too busy reading the bible with my foster parents who told me Halloween was Satan’s holiday. Point of this is to say, Merry Christmas.
Vanessa Williams was one of the first triple threats back in the early 90s, she was Miss America, a singer and an actor. I think she’s doin’ some Stella got her groove back on this beach, not because she has a tight body, but because she is single and black. I am actually not a fan of women over 40, they become people to me and not people I want to see naked. That said, maybe this bitch should invest in a one-piece, maybe one with a little frilly skirt, and stop trying to re-live her youth.
I am not going to make this complicated. I like university even though I never went. The girls go fucking insane slutting out, cuz they realize they have vaginas or some shit, and the dudes get to live out their highschool fantasies with these experimental slutty bitches. The people at PartySchools.com gave me a DVD to give a way, and since they are doing a good thing bringing these sluts into our homes, cuz some of us are too washed up and poor to see the real thing, I figured I’d help them out. Even though a DVD is a pretty shitty prize, it’s still better than a kick in a face, unless that kick is from some asian hooker with bound feet.
Now for the contest. IF you want to win a copy of the DVD, send in video or pictures of your college parties with bitches slutting out, and the first picture to get my readers hard wins. We’ll do a vote or something. Either way, you get a free DVD so stop your fucking complaining and realize that I hook you up.
Sometimes ass gets itchy. It is the orifice that you shit out of – and shit is just filled with bacteria. I was reading somewhere that you should never eat shit because it’s toxic, and I once had a dog who shit all over himself and got a major skin infection. That said, I dont think Hilary is pickin’ a wedgie, and I don’t even think she’s got a fungal infection, her job makes her shower way too much to get that, I do think she’s got anal warts, or some other anal irritation, only because her boyfriend wears make-up and we know that dudes who wear make-up, generally go for the ass.
People always get emotional when I post about celebrity kids. I think it has to do with them not asking to be in the lime-light.org. But reality is, I don’t really give a fuck. I see a pic of a 15 year old blond bitch with cock-suckin’ lips (that’s what we used to call ‘em in texas”, and I don’t really give a fuck who her parents are, unless of course daddy’s a lawyer or a police officer or some redneck porn producer trying to harvest her into a star and finds out that Jesus Martinez is sending his baby love letters on MySpace. Speaking of Myspace, add me, I want 100,000 friends by New Years. I think if we band together we can do this.
I love 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, not because it killed John Ritter, but because it made dating your teenage daughter socially accepted, and I felt a lot less awkward when I was out getting ice cream with my hand down my stepdaughter’s pants, I’d just look over at the gawking crowd and say, “That John Ritter’s changed my fucking life”. I guess the good thing about his death is that he can always invading my living room with his bad jokes and homo-gay tendencies. Thank god we have Three’s Company re-runs on 20 times a day to make me hate my life more than you should hate yours, but you’re probably clueless to how pathetic you are, otherwise you’d make some changes. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and look at this girls bra, the pattern looks like nipples, now masturbate for the 5th time today you fucking pervert. Cuddles.
Pradeep
