I just called a girl using Skype and she was masturbating. She yelled at me because she was in the middle of masturbating and I was disturbing. Where I come from, when someone calls you while masturbating, you either don’t answer the phone, or you let motherfucker get involved in the process. It never works so well when it’s the bank calling, but makes for a good way to get them to stop calling about your VISA bill. Anyway, I asked her to put the phone next to her conch so that I can listen to the sounds of the ocean, I was trying to be romantic, but I don’t know why I bother because I have never been able to convince any girl to masturbate for me, over the phone, or webcam, because I suck at life.

Needless to say, this attempt was no different that the last 300, and bitch didn’t let me listen, she hung up the phone when I asked her to pretend her fingers were the cured sausage I had hangin in my basement…And now I am mad, unlike Jewel – she’s married to some retarded cowboy looking motherfucker and she’s all smiles and dance in this Women in Songs 16 photoshoot for lesbians and moms everywhere. I hope that made sense. Motherfuckers.

Bonus: Jewel’s Action Shot Brought to You By: Listerine

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