In the movie cocktail, my new reference point for life, all the girls are rockin’ one-piece bathing suits, except for Tom Cruise’s buddy’s wife, who rocks the white thong bikini. That slut. It makes me remember a time before the bikini wax, where bitches had pubes growing halfway down their thighs. Lohan doesn’t seem to have that problem but she is nicely bruised up. I was buying a squash the other day at the grocery story and saw some dirtbag show up in a pair of bootyshorts and a halter top. Her body was slammin, her face was mangled and abused and her legs were nice and bruised. She smelled like stale cigarettes and booze and it was pretty obvious that she was a stripper, Lohan may not be a stripper, but she definitely looks like one.

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