I haven’t been by my computer the last 2 days and I haven’t been able to post my steplinks, that’s just what happens when you suck at life. Speaking of sucking at life, I was sent an anonymous email that included a phone number that the informant claimed was Kimmy Stewart. So I sent it to my Lohan stalking Jewish assistant to call her and see what she had to say. This is what he had to say:

Dear Jesus,

Thanks for the Kimmy Stewart number, you’re lazy ass hasn’t been very resourceful on the celebrity stalker front and I have to admit I was pretty excited about it. I wanted to call to verify the number, so I set my number to private and called. I was expecting to hang up the phone when I got an answer or answering machine. So when the bitch answered the phone and I was about to hang up, I decided to chat her up a little, I am seductive like that. So I tried convincing her that we knew each other, then I told her the whole story, that I was from Stepfather and that we stalk celebs. I told her that I was poor and she told me that she only hangs out with people with 1.5 million in their checking account because she’s shallow. She told me that she was watching football with her celebrity lesbian life partner who she doesn’t have sex with. I asked her if she was drunk or on anti-depressants because she kept telling me the the phone belonged to her dog snuggles. I still wasn’t convinced it was her and I didn’t record the conversation . I admit I fucked up.

I went to the T-Mobile website trying to find a way to send her anonymous text messages, accidentally used the site wrong and ended up sending her password to her handset, which is kinda funny because she probably thought she was getting hacked. Once I found the message center I sent her some random Jesus style shit and I signed your name. I told her I loved her. I hope you don’t mind.

I figured getting no response was boring, so I decided to drop the anonymous shit and send her a text from my cell. I don’t care about being anonymous. This is what I wrote:

“Some dude posted your number on the internet, I just wanted to let you know that I loved your work on “Good Morning Australia: Episode 30 – Sept 2005″, it changed my fucking life.”

She replied something like:

“I am not on the internet and I am not a celebrity. I am not the kim you think I am”

So I replied

“I don’t care who you are. I am in love and want to take you and Snuggles out for ice cream, but not chocolate ice cream cuz that shit is poison for puppies. PS Kimmy Stewart is not a celeb, she just banged the fat osborne. I make ppl happy, you are lucky I called”

She replied:

“Please don’t call or txt anymore. Thank you. T-Mobile is now aware of what’s going on.”

So I replied:

“Relax. You take yourself too seriously. I called and sent under 10 text messages. That is not harassment in any way. If I was your dad I’d Sing an American classic song to get me through this. PS. You were way cooler when we were talking on the phone”

She hasn’t replied yet, and probably won’t. I’m thinking of calling off our ice cream date.

I know this is too long for you to read, just post it on the site.

Thanks for nothing asshole. It wasn’t even Kimmy Stewart. Speaking of nothing, here are my weekend links. CUDDLES.