My site’s been down for 5 days, but I still post. I have nothing better to do like that. I haven’t got new email in about 3 days, it just goes to show you how easily people give up on you when your site doesn’t work, not that you’d know because you don’t have a website, you just have a lot of time on your hand….So, I guess I know how Aniston feels now that he ex-husband left her for a hotter piece of ass and her last boyfriend left her for a box of donuts and pack of cigarettes. It’s all really just hearsay and by hearsay I mean my insanity. I don’t have any inside scoop, I just make it all up, but you read it, so you’re really the weird one here…actually you don’t, you just look at the pics like a retarded kid at the library…

That’s the post.

The whole Lohan in rehab story depressed me because I like my bitches sedated, it makes them a lot easier to deal with when I tell them that I just fucked their sister, not that that’s ever really happened to me. But my friend RayRay, who has serious mental issues and brain damage from doing too many drugs when he was younger told me a story about how he fucked two sisters. They were siamese twins that he met at some rehab center when he had his foot amputated. He did the one he had a thing for one night while drunk but kept sticking his fingers in the other one who was trying to sleep while her sister whored out. RayRay is a hero in this story, most guys aren’t desperate enough to ignore the fact that they were siamese twins, but you aren’t…it’s okay to be lonely.

EIther way, here is Lohan lookin like a dumpy piece of shit on the set of her movie where she plays a stripper. Obviously a foreshadow of what is to come and her prior addiction has given her the skills needed to let me grab her tits for 10 dollars. Let’s watch the demise, it’s a more interesting than American Idol.

I am listening to french rap in honor of these sluts. They are in France right now because it is Fashion Week. It’s just an example of the luxury being a little rich kid offers. I remember a couple of months ago this high end stripper came to town for a special show, I don’t remember what her name was but the show cost about 10 dollars to see and I couldn’t pull it off because I am poor. It was just down the street from where I am living so you can imagine how pissed off I was when I saw these whores galavanting around the world like they are important or some shit.

On a side note, I read that they made 40,000,000 dollars this year, that’s a lot of shitty quality K-Mart smut peddling to tween girls…I tried peddling smut at K-Mart years ago, but it just got me arrested.

You’d think that having 40,000,000 dollars, would give you the luxury of buying a pair of pantyhose that doesn’t make you look like a streeth whore, but reality is that looking like a beaten down street whore is sexy and if I had 40,000,000 dollars, I would still rock my soiled sweatpants, they are pretty much a part of me. Literally. (admit you love literally jokes)

On another sidenote, I remember a time when these cunts were underage and every motherfucker except for me were all up on their shit counting the days down to legality, like they really had a chance to ever stuff them like a turkey. Either way, I never quite understood that fantasy, there are way hotter underage girls who are poor and have daddy issues who would totally let you tell them what to do and let you do whatever you want to them. Rich girls are too hard to deal with, aim lower motherfucker.

I was at some hip hop karaoke event tonight because some asshole I know was trying to videotape it. He’s not actually an asshole, he’s done some nice things for me, like told me that my site sucks and refused to do video shoots for it, but he still brought me out with him and even gave me a lift home and bought me 6 beers, it was 2 for one night and I am all about being a mooch because I feel like you mooch off of me everyday, even though I don’t know what you are mooching, it’s kinda like a leech sucking the blood out of a fag with AIDS….

Either way the shit was low budget, the dude who hosted it was named Guido and was more of a Bar Mitzvah type of entertainer than a thug and he was rockin’ the running man and dropping really bad stand-up comedy which is funnier than good stand up comedy where I am from….Lots of dudes went up on stage and tried rapping. The lyrics were pretty lowtech and printed on paper and not on a screen so I felt like I was watching highschool science fair presentations….without the hot highschool uniforms.

Point of this was to say this hot slut was dancing around like a fool and I was watching her because I am a pervert. From the back she was banging then I went back to drinking and saw her from the front and she was banging. I sat back down and looked up and she was about 3 feet thick. I didn’t understand it, slim from the front, hot from the back and a fat ass from the site. It was like bitch was a fridge box or someshit….and it made me sad.

Here are some pics of preggers Tori Spelling looking like shit from the front, back and the side..and that’s my review of tonight’s activities. One of my best posts yet, I don’t care what you think….and obviously either does Tori, bitch found out she was knocked up and was like “finally the chance to eat all the fucking ice cream I can find”…I’d still fuck her, but I like girls who I know let dudes dump inside them….

This is a video of Eliza Dushku’s ass in a thong. It’s all compressed weird and you’re just going to have to deal with it because this is drunkenstepfather and it’s not an internet place for quality….it’s actually not a real life place for quality either. I dropped my ashtray on the ground 5 days ago because I wanted to see how long it would take my wife to clean it up…and the shit is still all over the motherfucking room, only now there are footprints through it. I should have realized that bitch is too fat to bend over, her knees will give out or someshit, but it’s just an example of the conditions I have to put up with, so a little outdated clip of some celebrities ass shouldn’t look so bad…at least it doesn’t in my eyes and I guess that’s all that counts because I hate you.

Here are some more old pics of her adjusting her tit, because let’s face it, I am a fan of tits because I hate you…

I guess the biggest fucking joke in all this is that people are telling me the reason my site keeps crashing is because I have too many readers. I guess the reality behind this joke that makes it funny is that I really only have 15 people who actually read what I write. The rest of you just come for the pictures and to jerk off.

I am not crying for attention, I am just crying for a site that works, because I know when I wake up at noon tomorrow the motherfucker will be down again…

If I had as much traffic as people are telling me, I would have been able to afford some fucking dinner for my family tonight. Instead it was Ramen Noodles. My wife at 10 packs, it’s not her fault she’s got a lot of woman to feed and that’s the end of this post.

Here are my links….

I Am – Daydream V- Tree Pee – Amazing videos are here

It’s always a day for a day dream. My dad today was fucking hell trying to deal with the server going down and none of you really care about that. I switched hosting companies even though the 2 dudes who built the site told me that it won’t make a difference and I guess what it all comes down to is that this is a chance for new beginnings provided it all works out the way I am hoping. Let this be a little advice to you, don’t start a website if you don’t know what the fuck you are doing. Don’t go to Staples to fax off a contract when you’ve never used a fax machine. Don’t let your gay webdesigner take you out for soup that made me think I was dying. Don’t smoke 3 cheap cigars in a row, unless you want to get cigar poisoned and don’t take a nap unless you want to wake up with your fat wife’s finger in your ass, trying to get sexy when all you want to do is shit all over the place, so you do.

Here’s today’s daydream – I hope you love it as much as I do.

I have just applied for a job at celebrity blog thesuperficial.com because I think it would be funny to get hired and do everything I can to bring them down while making some money off writing for the first time in my life. I’ll let you know if I get the job.

This is the bio I wrote about myself:

Jesus Martinez is the top celebrity blogger on the internet according to him. With a loyal fan base of 12 he brings the latest in celebrity gossip, nipple slips and vagina shots Hollywood has to offer. There was a time in Jesus Martinez’s life where he spent his days drunk and high and this life experience is reflected in his work.

There is no competition. He is better than anyone else including whoever the cunt you currently have writing your site. You should take advantage of the fact that he is broke, desperate for money and ready to start getting paid for his craft.

Jesus Martinez likes girls who have webcams, the color yellow and all things that involve self medicating. He is an emotional eater like the fat girl in your highschool and always wanted to be a professional ice fisherman, but could never find the ice.

Help Jesus Martinez find the ice.

Jesus Martinez also loves sitting, has an old TV he found in the trash and often finds himself watching Oprah on the one channel he gets.

Jesus Martinez married late in life to a lonely obese women with 2 stepdaughters but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a goodtime. Just last week he got caught spying on his neighbor in the shower, he won’t admit that he was in the wrong because she left her bathroom door unlocked. The police were never called.

Recently Myspace deleted his profile because he wrote about Female Ejaculation and how his life goal was to package it at sell it at every convenience store across America. It was intended to be the next big thing in energy drinks but he could never land the funding.

His last employer was at a local canning plant, where Jesus made sure the labels were on straight, but he got fired for trying to convince the receptionist to insert a can of peas in her ass and a can of creamed corn in her pussy.

Always an innovator and willing to work as hard as it takes, provided it takes less than 6-8 minutes a day.

Jesus Martinez’s website is currently the number one result for Bijou Phillips Aids, number one result for Kim Kardashian Pussy and the number 2 result of American Idol Blowjob all in Google.

Jesus Martinez has live blogged such high profile events as the Academy Awards, the American Music Awards and Lohan’s Appearance on Letterman.

He has also stepINTERVIEWED people like Montgomery Moose, Myspace Girl in a Bikini and the DJ in a picture with Lohan.

The success doesn’t end there, he has also personally stalked Lindsay Lohan as well as made numerous harassing phone calls to Paris Hilton and the guy who runs the cigar shop down the street who tried to rip him off, but he never chose to publish that, it was too close to his heart.

If you are looking for passion, good times and a grasp on all thing better than you, he is your man. The virgin chronic masturbating readers you currently cater to will find joy in his work.

If you’re looking for an article I wrote for a magazine that never got published check this out GO (It’s called how to have free sex with a hooker and it’s from 2 years ago)

That’s enough bigging myself up, my site is a piece of shit and so are you for reading it. I suck at life and it’s just funny to pretend I am a star for a few minutes…A lot like Jessica Simspon. Jessica is like a shit rainbow, many shades of brown…nice and ratty out and about fresh out of waking up in the gutter, just the way I like my women….but only because those were always the only kind of girl I could land.

I had a dream that a homeless dude ran up to me while I was having a nap in the park because he thought I was dying. I woke up with the sun in my eye and saw nothing but his muddy hand coming towards my chest to feel if my heart was beating. I don’t remember much else, but I think it’s a sign that homeless people are the new angle for this blog and instead of posting Kim Kardashian’s pussy, I am going to post homeless women’s pussies, and instead of celebrity nip slips, I am going to post squeegee chick nip slips, you know their little meth addicted nipples poking through their oversized shirts they found in a gutter that hang off their malnourished bodies. It would be a lot more interesting that the shit I post about now, so I think I had a revelation and now you are all part of it, admit it feels good to be part of something for the first time in your life….

Speaking of people a part of something, here is Lohan pretending to be part of the whole Oscar festivities by trying to outstage the award in her dress that’s brighter than the motherfucker. I guess she’s relevant to throw up in this revelation post because it won’t be long before she’s homeless and I’ll totally launch the sex tape, fuck I’ll even star in it as the dude who knock’s over her cup of change that leads her to her homeless man gangbang…

You may not know what I am talking about, but either do I, so we’re ok. But I do know that all those mirrors make me want to rip lines off every part of her fat body. I feel like I am more into her in the same way a farmer is more into his prize pumpkin or his plumpest turkey during thanksgiving…a fat lohan is good for business, provided I actually had a business and not a hackjob of a site…here are the pics, stop reading this now…

I get excited whenever I see a celebrity’s tit because that is what my life is based on. Even if that celebrity isn’t really a celebrity but some hipster who accidentally lands roles because of the Make a Wish Foundation, they do nice things for people with AIDS at least that’s the story I’ve heard. When I see any opportunity to post any tit I jump on it, because the only tit I ever see in real life is on strippers or on my wife which are tits that don’t really count as tits because they are the size of a 14 year old dude. So even when the tit is on some movie poster, I feel obligated to post it. I am actually pretty surprised that she’s got tits this solid considering her ailment. Maybe I’ve been wrong about her all this time…

On a site note – google Bijou Phillips Aids GO

I’m such a rumor starter…maybe that’s why I like playing with my nipples while listening to Lohan’s Rumor Starter single on repeat….or it could be because I am weird.

The site is still working. This is a revolution.

The thing I love about Petra Nemcova, other than the fact that she is pretty fucking decent lookin’ is that she runs after average looking men. On the surface, it gives hope to all you fucking losers who can’t get the fat albino from around the block to show you her white pube covered box, even when you offer her money, hope. But when you scratch beneath the surface you realize that the dude she’s with is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since that fat chick in the movie Titanic. Point of the story is that if you are a loser with no style you should start reading some self-help books on what women want. You should start practicing how to write poems and maybe one day, your lame song about falling in love with a girl you don’t know but saw on the subway will get some record execs wife soft and damp and forcing her husband to make you the next big thing. If you noticed, I assumed that the record exec was a man and not a woman. Is that why feminists always send me hate mail? I just call myself a realist.

Speaking of real, here is a little part of her nipple stickin’ out of her dress for you all to jerk off to while dreaming that you were James Blunt, probably not the first time you’ve done that. Weirdo. Nip slips are getting boring, but not as boring as trying to fix website when you have no knowledge of anything more than nip slips. Either way, remember, you’re beautiful in my eyes, and that’s all that really matters. But I have no standards. Cuddles….

The site being down makes me feel like I am Christopher Reeves bound to a wheelchair with little I can do. I just wait for someone to email me offering their expert blog knowledge to make all the headaches go away..Until that happens, all I can really do is surf the internet add links to my list of links and cry.

I just got drunk at an Irish pub where some dude was playing the fiddle. An old dude sat next to me and couldn’t hear anything I said. When he spoke he made no sense. He had no language but his own and it reminded me of this site. Thanks for reading my nonsense an let’s hope the site stays up today….

My site may suck right now, but I am still the best fucking blog according to me.

Here are my links. Cuddles.

Bonus – Christina Ricci’s Sex Scene With Timberlake in that New Movie

Daydream 4 – Clothes Shoppin’ – Click here for more amazing videos

There comes a time in every useless bloggers life that you realize that they are actually a blogger and shame is the only feeling you feel. It’s probably one of the most embarrassing things to tell people you meet because all they think is how fucking lame someone who thinks their self-righteous opion must be even when your blog reaches 100,000 people a day, they still think to themselves how much of a fucking loser you are because you have a blog.

I am running off about 3 hours of sleep, I haven’t been able to figure out why my server is dying or why my site is dying. Unlike real bloggers, I don’t have any concept of technology related things. It too me 4 years to figure out how to make a hyperlink. That’s not the point the point is that we all have dreams and mine wasn’t to be a blogger and I can assume this dude’s dream wasn’t to end up like this.

That’s what’ makes it today’s GO daydream installment which is safe to say may be the next biggest thing on the internet.

I am watching the Academy Awards because I don’t have cable. They just started. I missed all the red carpet shit cuz that’s for faggots who care about what lame celebs are wearing. Despite popular belief I am not some lame faggot but i realize that the Oscar award ceremony is really designed for faggots. Real men don’t care about Hollywood. I guess we’ll see if I turn gay from this over the next 3 hours that will feel like 15 hours, because they are so fucking tedious. This show has just started and it already makes me feel like I have been sucking dick the last 12 years of my life….reality is that I haven’t – I have very few options right now as I don’t like leaving my couch and don’t have remote. These fuckers are invading my home, if you can even call this dump a home. If the Oscars were a poor black dude and stealing my bike, I’d have him arrested, but since it’s a TV show, I guess there’s little I can do but live blog this fuckers..

8:30 – Actors are in front of a white background talking. I guess these are the nominees. People in the audience are laughing. I don’t have much of a sense of humor so I don’t see the humor in this. I also don’t recognize any of these people, except for maybe Eddie Murphy and the slut from Little Miss Sunshine. I wonder if it is illegal to call an 8 year old a Slut….

8:35 – The stupid intro is over, thank god. Now the announcer is sucking all of their dicks saying how important tonight is in all these people’s careers because it’s the Golden Night in Hollywood. It’s the Oscars, suckin’ dick is a huge factor in makin’ an evening gayer than DJ AM.

8:36 – Ellen DeGeneres walks out in some velvet tuxedo. She’s a lesbian and looks like one. It really is a gay event. I feel like I should be watching this while sipping Martinis in a pair of women’s pantyhose as five 18 year old cabana boys have an orgy on my coffee table. I don’t have a coffee table. I have a cardboard box. it still counts.

8:37 – Ellen told the kids to aim lower, I think that was a reference to what she needs her lesbian lovers to do while they go down on her. I wonder if she has a penis cuz bitch has got to have balls. She’s massively masculine, to manly for someone with a vagina.

8:38 – Will Smith laughed outrageously at Ellen’s jokes. I feel like he’s just trying to look like a nice guy to make the people like him when he drops his next album.

8:39 – Ellen made a drunk joke. I guess something she’s used to because any dude who would have fucked her pre-dyke was probably drunk. Maybe that’s the reason for her gayness.

8:40 – My live blogging gay angle isn’t that funny, but Ellen’s gay outfit is.

8:40 – Look at that Little Miss Sunshine in her party dress and make-up. On a one way trip to turning tricks by the time she’s 20. Good job goes out to the parents let’s hope they bought themselves a solid new car, house and wardrobe with their daughter’s earnings. Who says having kids can’t be a profitable business decision.

8:42 – Ellen is making George Bush jokes. I laughed because she made reference to the botched election when people voted for Gore and he still lost. That was smart. Smart humor is more than I can offer, I am never goin to be the next Ellen.

8:43 – Ellen brought up gays, cuz she is gay…and did a dance with a tambourine which is pretty gay. I am so fucking bored. I think I have to stop this now, or at least stop the gay angle. I realized it sucked half an hour ago but I still like to drag myself into the mud.

8:44 – Nicole Kidman is presenting. She’s worth a round, and was married to Tom Cruise who is gay. That’s the gay tie-in. Best Art Direction award is pretty interesting stuff. Art directors are probably usually gay men. I am turning this shit off, but can’t really turn off my whole gay bit. I don’t know why.

8:49 – There is a modern dance interlude. Really classy. Where there is modern dance, there are real men. That’s the story I heard. Oh they danced themselves into a silhouette of the Oscar statue. How fucking cute.

8:50 – First commercial break and it’s a lot more interesting than anything I have seen on the Oscars. I feel like it’s the Superbowl and for the rest of the night I will just be sitting here excited for the commercial breaks. True Story.

8:53 – Will Farrell is singing about how he’ll never win an Oscar because he’s a comedian. I like their attempt at being relevant. Here’s Jack Black singing with him, I feel like people are laughing. I fucking hate Jack Black. They are threatening the nominees. I am offended. I don’t know why.But that concludes this live blog. I just turned off the TV and have no confidence in Hollywood and their attempt to brainwash you into thinking lame is funny. And you fall for it. I hate you. Remember that.

The Mexicans have on 2 out of 2 awards. We’re taking over assholes. First we took your jobs, now we’re taking your awards too. Can’t keep us out of your country clubs anymore.

9:00 – They just sent out 2 kids to present the Nominees. Will Smith’s son looks like a little girl. That’s what happens when you raise a kid out of the ghetto and send him to private schools and shit. He loses his testicles and only wears designer clothes with his white Jewish friends. But he can’t read so I guess he’s still got a little of the projects in his blood. I think accepting an Academy Award from a 7 year old is pretty representative of how much of a joke this shit is.

9:11 – Ellen just corrected her fumble of calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican. I’ve been calling Penelope Cruz a Mexican since I started this fucking site. It’s not like a bad thing, but having the same jokes as Ellen DeGeneres is.

9:12 – People are making bird sounds and water sounds and galloping horses and helicopters and airplanes and rockets set to clips from movies and this is scaring the fuck out of me. Yeah, I was too lazy to turn off the TV.

9:13 – Jessica Biel isn’t wearing a bra, but she is showing off her wrestler lookin’ arms. Her nipples are hard, I am just staring at those as a distraction from her testosterone. I bet Ellen has a soft on for her, I know I do.

9:26 – The modern dancers just turned into silhouettes of penguins, I feel like I am a hairdresser and this is my favorite day of the year.

9:30 – James Taylor is singing.

9:34 – Melissa Ethridge is singing. I wonder if Ellen made that happen. Fucking lesbians are taking over they are trying to outstage the mexicans at this fucking show.

10:38 – Fat American Idol chick won proving that good looks don’t mean success…even a fat chick’s dreams can come true…so fat chicks reading this…I am rooting for you.

10:49 – Al Gore won and some girl with big tits is on his shoulder…

10:55 – Celine Dion Singing. It’s a dream come true for every faggot in the world. She’s been living in Vegas for years and still can’t speak English.

11:22 – Beyonce is trying to upstage Jennifer Hudson. She knows that Hudson upstages her and I feel like Beyonce can’t deal with it. I see the hate in her eyes, she’s like “I’m the fucking singer in this motherfucker.” She smiles but knows she’s got competition. I see the catty jealousy in her song.

11:30 – Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife. That was unconventional. I would have rather seen him pull out his dick and jerk off on stage.

11:32 – Local News is more interesting that this shit – I am going to smoke a cigar – oh and my site is down… and has been for 2 days.

11:44 – Jodi Foster is ugly, she’s making fisting myself a little harder than usual.

11:45 – The memorial – my favorite part of the Oscars because it makes me cry. The rest of the show just makes me want to kill myself, this makes me want to live and one day be one of these people.

11:51 – Ellen is being coy by pretending the show is over when it really isn’t. Genius comedic moment. I couldn’t have done better. But I don’t make a living being a comedian.

11:56 – The bitch who played the queen won …and is wearing a see through top. She has pretty huge tits for a Mexican…Nice More modern dance. They just made a gun. Amazing…..I would make a gay reference here but I’ve been trying to fix the site all night with this smut in the background. I can’t believe people call me a smut peddler when they air this shit.

12:00 – Ellen is vacuuming and found rolling papers. She’s so funny. Someone should give her her own show.

12:01 – Reese Witherspoon just walked up to give out an award. She’s worth a round since she started working out. I wonder how mangled her cunt is after her 8 kids.

12:04 – This is me future blogging the best actor award. Watch and learn. I say Forest Whitaker takes it cuz he’s black, he was sweating the whole movie and he looks like he was pretty fucking intense. I saw clips on Oprah and dude owned shit. I can future blog say that he won 100 percent and if he didn’t I am not a blogger….

He just when and I am a blogger!!! That makes me so proud and you just witnessed future blogging.

12:08 – George Lucas, Spielberg, Coppola just presented Scorsese with an Oscar. He deserves it and that’s all I have to say about that. They did a lame stand-up thing but they are directors not comedians so I’m cool with that. If they were actual comedians and they bombed that hard I’d be offended….

The whole thing is pretty offensive how much money and time went into this award ceremony. There are kids dying in Africa and these fuckers get so much recognition as is. Just the fact that they get paid millions should be enough for these greedy self-righteous motherfuckers. The Oscars suck my fucking dick, like Oscar was some dude I met at a bathhouse. That’s all I have to say about that. Cuddles.

Victoria Beckham Dressed Like Ellen

Beyonce Before She Got Upstaged

Biel’s Nipples

Penelope Cruz

Cameron Diaz

Kirsten Dunst

Nicole Kidman

Here are some more pictures from Hawaii with Drew Barrymore only now with Cameron Diaz. I like how both these bitches have just been dumped by their longtime boyfriends for younger tighter cunt. So they decide to run to Hawaii and run around the beach together like they were lesbian lovers. You know getting out of the hustle of LA for a romantic getaway. There is nothing better than being washed up with a friend who is equally washed up. What it really comes down to is if I wanted to see to busted old bitches in bikinis, I’d go to the geriatric aqua-robics class at the local Y…..

I remember when I was forced to do community service at an old folks home about 15 years ago. I was in charge of taking the old ladies out on walks. It was about as exciting as it sounds, the orderly I worked with used to also volunteer to wash them and change their diapers. I was always uncomfortable with that but for some reason these pictures remind me of walking on him in action….

For the record, I like how Cameron is waving to the camera. I can only assume she’s waving goodbye to her career and sex appeal….even though you’d totally slam her, but you’re a virgin and all vagina is good vagina in your sexually repressed world….It’s actually a pretty sad story, even sadder than Cameron and Drew….