I guess it’s only natural for a bitch in her 30s, who spent her 20s destroying her body with cock, coke and cristal, to look a little busted and in reality Tara Reid doesn’t look so bad. I have seen worse and slept with worse but none of them were celebrities, not that Tara Reid is worthy of being a celebrity, she hasn’t done much in years but she probably has a bank account big enough to support me for the rest of my life and she’s not fat, she’s still got all her limbs and she has fake tits, making her a perfect candidate to be my next wife after this one has a massive heart attack or whatever fat people die of. My fear is that she has a stroke and I have to push the bitch around in a wheelchair for the next 20 years because I can’t afford a home for her…

Before seeing Tara and her 6 dollars and realizing I should marry her, I was thinking that my meal ticket was to make a stepPORN that I’ll never get to make because I don’t have funding. I even emailed the dude from Vivid and said “Let’s make a stepPORN” and motherfucker never emailed me back because he’s too busy buying celebrity sex tapes off people….

I know Tara Reid would never star in it, but there was once a girl who worked in my neighborhood who I’d see in the bars every night and the next day she’d be wearing the same clothes she had on in the bar. We called her Sticky Vicky and we’d joke that she would pass out drunk outside work at 5 am, wake up in an alley, or in the park or in someone’s front lawn and that she’d brush the dirt off her outfit before heading in for the day. Reality is that she was probably having one night stand after one night stand. I’d pretend that I didn’t know Sticky, and she was probably too drunk to notice me and this went on for 6 months, until one day Sticky Vicky disappeared. I can only assume one of her one night stands became her sugar daddy or maybe that her alcoholism lead her one some crazy herpe ridden bar hopping, park sleeping adventure they write about in the movies, but if Sticky Vicky is out there, I may have work for her just as soon as those fuckers at Vivid hook me up….

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