It turns out that I won Best Blog in the Montreal Mirror Best Of Montreal awards. I don’t really know how I feel about this kind of local recognition, but it is a changing day in my life.
I guess the first thing I’d like to say is that I posted that picture they ran of the kid trying on his mom’s bra as a joke because it made me laugh. It reminded me of when I used to hang with a kid who turned out ‘mo later in life. Dude was always trying on dresses, bras, make-up and shit and I never wanted to take part in the fun. I didn’t post the picture because I am into little kids wearing bras.
The second thing I’d like to say is that being outed to the city you live in as a blog or a blogger is fucking embarrassing. Blogs are for losers and are written by losers and usually those losers aren’t my kind of loser. They are virgins, they are techy, they are lonely and feel like they have something to tell the world and that no one around them is listening. I am just a guy without a job and an addictive personality. Doing this is cheap, it keeps me out of trouble and I don’t usually drink all day because it gives me some sense of purpose. So admitting that I am a blogger is almost humiliating and would much rather be known as a drug dealer or homeless dude on the street….
That said, Montreal is a pretty small city, but the people in Montreal seem to love it. I am sure that not a lot of people voted, I am sure that not a lot of people even know my blog or will even check out the blog, but coming in first for a guy who has always come in last is a pretty funny turn of events and made me laugh a little.
I do think I deserve it. I am pretty sure I put more time into this shit than any normal person would and I still think that my site is better than most, even though I constantly put it down. I assume some of you voted for me and that was pretty cool of you. I know cool is not commonly used to describe you, but we’ll let it slide this time….asshole.
Since my winning Best of Montreal doesn’t deserve a post of it’s own, here are some pics of a tall Adriana Lima at some Dance For Tolerance event that sounds pretty fucking gay to me but I guess dancing for a cause is the whole reason strippers exist. Like that shitty ironic t-shirt says “I support single moms”. By the looks of Lima’s foot tattoo, she’s probably in a Brazilan gang and it’s safe to say not a virgin…
I am not sure if these are taken outside her house or if they are some set of a movie, but since this bitch barely works and is barely famous and has barely had any career other than paparazzi taking pictures of her jogging, I can assume that they were taken outside her house or if anything they were taken on set of a “Borax” commercial. I don’t know what “Borax” is but it’s gotta be something paying Biel to promote it. Everybody’s got to make a living somehow and I am trying to make a living talking about where pictures of Jessica Biel were fucking taken. That is a lot lamer than it sounds and it sounds pretty fucking lame to me.
Either way, I learned that the key to being a success is by telling people how amazing everything you produce is. I was invited to the Gwen Stefani show the other night, because my stepduaghter’s rich friend had a ticket for a chaperone, because as a rich kid, her parents wanted nothing to do with anything that involved her. I didn’t get free tickets because people want me at their event like I was Perez Hilton, but I am fatter than him.
Either way, before Gwen Stefani dropped a song she’d say that that song was her favorite and everyone would fucking scream. If I was ever on stage, I’d be like “I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote this smut, but since you bought tickets to see me do this, here it goes” like I was your dancing monkey…
So the life lesson is that if you tell someone that something is amazing, most people will believe you, because most people are idiots who need to be told what’s up, so even if what you do is shit, pretend it’s amazing and your conviction will convince….
Either way, here are those Biel in a Bathrobe pics for your Bathrobe and Slipper Fetishists….and remember, this is one of my favorite posts of all time, now believe it. Asshole and remember there’s a Gwen Stefani performing video that’s going to hit one day soon. Watch out for it. Asshole.
I know that I dropped a like to some of these pictures last night, but I figured I should do a post on them because that’s how obvious I am. I like to tip you fuckers off to posts I am going to do the following day just to keep everyone on the same page. Fuck surprises, I can’t compete with the speed of some of these virgin bloggers who have some keen ability to land all the fucking paparazzi pictures first. Sometimes I think they are out there taking the pictures themselves, but realize their acne, overbearing mother and social awkwardness prevents them from leaving the house too often. Either way, they make me look like a shitty blogger, because most of the celebrities I post about I’ve never heard of while these fuckers have their life stories, bra size and current relationship status branded on their brains.
Either way, here are the pictures of Danielle Lloyd, I am not sure who she is and I was going to go on and on about how bad I am at this blogging gayness but since I am up against a group of people you probably made fun of in high school, giving them a complex and leading them to this as a job, I’m pretty sure I’ll come out on top. I may not have been the virgin loser who chronically masturbated, was scared of girls and who everyone laughed at for dressing up like a Star Wars character for the high school dance because I was the slacker who no one really liked, who dropped out of school at 16 but still got pussy because I started drinking at a young age. No one wanted to be me, but no one picked on me and being too cool for school is way cooler than the school being too cool for you…
I should write an after-school special, I’ll cast Danielle Lloyd as the teacher who gets knocked up by a 15 year old gangster from her English class who sells weed. Seems like she’s into that whole Blacks on Blonds Business….or what I like to call BBB, at first I thought she was too skinny for that, then realized she’s planning for the future by the looks of her body, her budding cankles and double chin, I can tell you she’ll be a fat mess in a few years…that doesn’t mean stop eating girls….I like fat chicks, I married a fat chick, I was just making conversation. Cuddles.
I like to get drunk and when I get drunk I usually don’t have anyone to talk to. I can’t really drunk dial anyone because I don’t have anyone’s phone number and my wife just doesn’t entertain me when I am drunk so she’s off the list of things to do while drunk. My new favorite thing is drunk IMing and Facebooking.
I suggest that tonight after you drink your lonely self into a happy place, message your highschool sweetheart telling her you still sleep with a picture of her everynight and that life hasn’t been the same without her the last 20 years. Or try find people who work at local stores you go to and ask them what they are wearing and what they think about when masturbating, or maybe even start up on a co-worker by telling her how hot you think she is and how you think about her when you’re masturbating.
The good thing about the internet is that it is faceless, the bad thing is when you run into these people again, but it’s all worth the fun.
These are pictures from Paris’ party a couple of days ago that were taken after Nicole had a minor car accident as she was leaving. Who the fuck cares.
What I do care about is how considerate she is being in this time of distress. Normally, this group of girls are so fucking self-absorbed that if they aren’t talking about how great they are, ripping into each other, doing as many drugs as possible to feed their insecure broken selves, or having meaningless relationships and one night stands with guys they find hot because lacking substance and being superficial is all that matters in their eating disorder self-destructive lives. But I guess with Paris going to jail they are all a little thrown off because she was the leader of the pack, and now in an attempt to make the world a better place and in efforts to aid mankind, Nicole Richie has decided to hide her little rat face from all of us and I just wanted to say Thanks….
Normally, I would have been offended by her giving me the finger, but knowing that God has been as cruel as he has been to her, I figure I’d let it slide. It’s like the time a dude with Downs Syndrome punched me in the face in highschool. He had a crush on my girlfriend and saw me grabbing her tits in the park. Either way, he fucking hit me hard because people with retardations seem to be fucking strong, like their body made up for their brain was lacking. Anyway, when he hit me I apologized and walked away instead of getting mad, because sometimes, having sympathy for those less fortunate is a better way to live….
I posted pictures of Britney on a boat in a bikini last week and was pissed off that I couldn’t see the ass view of her string bikini because I know that shit is riding up places I’d want to explore, not because I think Britney is hot and not because I want her money, but because I have no standards and even with her lack of hygiene, weight gain and rashes, she’s still probably cleaner than any girl who has had slept with me for money.
Anyway, I said I wanted the ass view and here are the closest thing I could find, They are probably from last week, but since Britney isn’t into changing her underwear or washing it’s possible that these are from today.
Either way, who really cares these pictures and this post collectively suck…I have no idea why I am posting it but I am.
I don’t know who Sonya Kraus is but I am going to assume that she is some kind of washed up German Bikini Model, because Kraus sounds German and because usually people launch bikini lines when they have something to do with bikinis.
Either way, there is a valuable lesson you can all learn from these pictures. If you are act like a fruity gay black man and dance around and act all bubbly in front of hot chicks, they will probably want to fag hag you. Now if you never tell them you’re straight and keep shit going they are going to bring you out to parties, they are going to change in front of you and tell you all their dirty little sex secrets. The trick is to be as flamboyant as possible and whenever she brings up you being a poofter, just change the subject and tell her how pretty her hair is. I am telling you that one night when bitch gets drunk she’s going to let you fuck her, you just have to pretend you don’t know what you are doing and that you’re uncomfortable with the whole thing for the first 5 minutes before going pornstar on her ass. The next step is telling her that she turned you onto women and going through every one of her friends you were introduced to because let’s face it, fags get more pussy than you. I pitched this idea to a film production company once, they told me it sucked but you’ll see a derivative of it hit in the next 2 years, I’m convinced, that’s just how my ideas seem to work out for me.
I guess my theory was wrong, she’s a TV personality who has nothing to do with bikinis other than wearing them to the pool….thanks wikipedia.
If you’re wondering why I know that this short/shirt is called a onesy, it’s because I have a infantilism fetish and love when my momma dresses me all up in my little onesy and a diaper and feeds little baby a bottle.
Either way, shit’s making a comeback and I was in American Apparel yesterday getting my stepdaughter a leotard to model for me because it’s still kinda a fetish of mine but it’s slowly losing it’s appeal because everyone in Montreal wearing fucking leodards now, I feel like I am at a dance recital ever ytime I leave my fucking house, and if you were to ask anyone with a foot fetish what they would do if every girl started walking around barefoot, he’d probably go fucking insane. For some reason, I just lose interest and move onto the next thing. I haven’t decided if onesy’s are the next thing but when I was at the store some girl in her mid 20s was rockin’ something similar. The only difference was that shit was too small and was riding up her box and showing off her ass cheeks and when she caught me staring, I just smiled back and said “that’d look way hotter with a diaper on underneath”….
Either way, here is Rihanna, not wearing a diaper under her onesy, but compensating with some fuck me boots and her own CD….and the only thing hotter than a girl who listens to her own music is fucking a girl who listens to own music. True Story.
Here are some pictures of Victoria’s Secret Models, Ana Beatriz Barron and Alessandra Ambrosio at that stupid restaurant every fucking celebrity goes to called Mr Chow. They are wearing more clothes than you’re used to and I guess that goes against what you are used to on this site. I like to keep you on your toes. I also like to look at these people who little girls aspire to be in their natural state, without the filters and photoshop touch ups and lighting and professional photographers because these paparazzi are just scummy immigrants with a camera .
I am not going to say these bitches are busted because it’s pretty obvious that they aren’t, but I will say that I would never make a good model scout. They don’t look any better than the girls I see out when I go out, I probably wouldn’t even notice them in a club, but the second these whores take off their clothes and rock a catalog every 14 year old dude and married man with no internet or porn in the house can jerk off to you know they got it in them….what they will never have in them though is you, because no one likes you, even the 400 pound Wal Mart cashier wants nothing to do with you.
I was accused of being a racist again tonight and I wasn’t even making a racial slur, it was just a case of people being over sensitive and jumping to conclusions or creating issues where there were no issues to being with. I was walking down the street and some drunk chick was moonwalking down the side walk like she was Michael Jackson….Some dude in a suit was running after her and she was obviously trying to play cute and hard to get. I said out loud that I didn’t get why dude would stand for that cute hard to get shit, but the looks of the girl, I’d rather fuck the potted plant next to them. They heard me and thought I was hating on her cuz she was black, reality is, I woulda said it if she was Mexican too. I love all girls, I just don’t like when they act a fool….
Here are my links:
Bijou Philips Shaking Her Ass and Dancing in Lingerie in this Photoshoot Video GO
My wife won a cruise to the south at the grocery store which is pretty huge surprise considering she shops 10 fucking times a day and has probably paid for 100 cruises in food at that motherfuckin’ place. She can’t go on the trip because she is too fat to travel. It looks like she is going to be giving it to me because I told her she had no fucking choice. I figured that going south is sign for me to get back to my roots and see my country and find myself like I was a college girl flashing my tits at at Girls Gone Wild event. I haven’t been back to Mexico since I was a kid and taken away.
So this shit is like my coming home. I haven’t won her over yet and the problem is that if I do convince her, which I will, I won’t have internet access everyday and I won’t be able to update everyday. I will be trying to seduce prostitutes all over the motherfucking place, spreading my seed and shit. Which is seriously more important.
I am only going to go if I find quality people to help write the site for the month I am gone. I have already asked my stepdaughter who is a pretty horny 16 year old and I will be chiming in as much as I can from the road. I’ll be more into living as many fucking daydreams as possible but the good thing is that I am going to be reporting them back to you. I figure it’s time to get inspired and this is god’s way of telling me it’s time to go home….
So if you’re a writer, a drunkard, a drug addict with stories, an ex-prostitute, email me some samples of your writing and we may turn July into some kind of Hippie Communal site that will still be better than all the fucking other ones out there, even though no one reads it. If I go, I’ll be back in mid august. Maybe life doesn’t always suck afterall…..Even Squeegee Kids who are in their 40′s like to dance sometimes…mainly when drunk and high. Cuddles.
If I knew concerts were like stripclubs, I would have saved my lap dance budget for tickets to this show. Rhianna is looking pretty fucking tight bodied in this getup and the fact that I can’t grab her tits for 10 dollars is the reason why I will never bite into my lap dance budget….
I will say that everyone gives her a hard time for having a big forehead and lookin’ like an alien and shit, but when a girl dresses like this, her forehead is probably the last thing I am looking at. I am the kind of guy who girls love because I never look them in the eyes when I talk to them, I go straight for the tits because I figure there is reason to pretend I care what they are saying and I like to stick to the point of our conversation…I guess that’s why I don’t have any girl friends.
I remember a time before being married when I would try to get laid. I was never good at romance. I was the kind of guy who would just try to grab at her box when I had an opening or when she was least expecting it, mainly because if a girl wanted my dick, I’d expect her to just grab at it to give me the green light. That move never really worked and is probably why I always stuck to hookers, they were a lot less work and I didn’t have to tell them what they wanted to hear. All I had to do was give them the money they wanted and they’d let me grab at them as much as my money allowed for.
Enough of my stupid story of how I have shitty game, look at these pics of Rhianna giving me something I want and that’s a mainstream latex show for all the young girls who will be taking her lead in 5 to 10 years making the world a happier fucking place….
How’s this for fucking boring. Rosario Dawson who is a big breasted girl who I want to see in a bikini or naked is at the beach. Only her kind of beach involves not wearing a fucking bikini and some summer dress that reminds me of hanging by the pool at the luxury Old Folk’s home I used to do the landscaping at….
The highlight of these pictures are when the summer dress rides up her ass like it was her thong, but even that makes these pics not worth posting. But having no editorial standards and being lazy has left me no choice but to follow through…a lot like how Rosario Dawson didn’t pull through in these pics…
Point of the story is that seeing a girl with great potential not pull through on the beach by wearing what is equally as bad as a snowsuit is like running into your highschool valedictorian and learning he’s become a crackhead, it’s like finding out the hottest girl who you wanted to bag all your life got fat, it’s like finding out that you are adopted, it’s like finding out that your girlfriend has been sleeping with your best friend the last 2 years of your relationship, it’s like having a one night stand the night you lose your virginity and finding out you got AIDS, it’s like
It’s safe to say it’s one of life’s great disappointments….and bitch isn’t even that hot…it’s just the principle….
I figured that Mary Kate Olsen would have no choice but to date a dude who wears skinny jeans, because guys in skinny jeans aren’t really into chicks, they are more into other skinny things, like girls who look like boys.
I was at a party a while ago and I was the oldest motherfucker there. It happens, especially when the only people who invite me to parties are my stepdaughter’s friends. Anyway, there was a group of guys who were with really skinny looking girls with stupid emo hair and tight girl jeans and a pair of dainty slip on shoes that look like something a 7 year old girl would wear. I thought to myself that everyone wants to be Mick Jagger or someshit, you know like an effeminate look that chicks dig because they think you’re a fucking artist but about 3 hours into the party I came across the group of guys in a 3-way fucking kiss while their girlfriends sat on the sidelines and watched. Now I know that I will never be 100 percent comfortable with gay shit. I always get an uncomfortable feeling when dudes start making out in front of me. I don’t know why, I always thought that it was because I kinda hate it, but fags seem to think it’s because I secretly like it. I can handle the criticism because I have never jerked off to gay porn or fooled around with a dude, however these motherfuckers in skinny jeans had and that to me is enough to prove my theory that Mary Kate’s boyfriend is into young skinny boys and bitch kinda fits that profile….at least this way he doesn’t have to come out to daddy and if he marries in, he’s set for life. The one aspect of K-Fed’s style that is worth biting….
This is some girl named Kristen Bell in a bikini on the set of some movie or TV show she is filming and wearing a bikini in. Probably something you’ll all order the DVD of and jerk off to, because that’s the kind of person this site caters to.
I have a confession to make. I wrote a TV show concept and sent it in to a producer last summer. It was called “hollywood sweatshop” and it was pretty much the same concept as the show “On The Lot”. I even mailed a copy of it to myself thinking that the fucker would have been HUGE. The producer told me it was a bad idea that wouldn’t work and I went back to the website like nothing ever happened, but when I saw that this fucking show hit I was blown the fuck away. I coulda been a millionaire just like Mark Burnett, the Reality TV show guy who invented survivor.
Either way, maybe it wasn’t such an original idea, and I am not going to live my life crying about all these great ideas that no one ever buys from me, but end up creating and making tons of money with….I am going to live my life posting pictures of celebrities in bikinis for no money at all. That’s just the way it is…If you are wondering why I am talking about this, I have one channel on TV and that show was it….
