When I was a little kid, we would drive 7 hours north to a lake that had only a few feet of water during the great late 80′s California drought. My grandparents lived up there for a while because lakes with no water have cheap property. What I remember best is this hick named “Blaze.” Blaze lived in a trailer down the hill and had a ravine filled with over a thousand beer cans–his own homemade landfill. Us kids liked to go down and play at Blaze’s because he let us swim in this huge metal drum he filled with water. Our parents would compaire shotguns while we bobbed in 3 feet of liquid rust. If you had to pee, Blaze had an authentic outhouse, and the walls were papered with porn. I never looked down inside the hole in the seat–the smell of years of piled-up shit was enough to fulfill my curiosity. Blaze always seemed to have a new wife every time we visited. One was fat and jolly. One was oily and petite. Another was thin and liked to paint animal skulls. My uncle recently told me that they found out Blaze had died, and that he had been a pimp. I wonder how many “wives” he buried beneath those beer cans out back…

Here is Amy Adams at the “Underdog” premier last night. She has great cleavage and is as cute as a motherfucking button. As a child, I’m sure Amy Adams never swam in a big barrel of tetanus in the yard of a hillbilly pimp, and she never grew up to have an angry Turkish pimp. For these reasons, along with the red hair, I want to be her. So I present you with her cleavage. Now go wallpaper your bathroom with porn.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

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