I ended up watching some movie on the weekend where some kid ends up with brain cancer at the end and dies and blah, blah, blah and everyone I was watching it with was really sad and all that bullshit while I just sat there not really feeling anything about it, because unlike my idiot friends, I don’t get all upset when watching stories about fucking make believe. It’s called ACTING you fucking tards.

To make matters worse, it got all “these are the things we need to do if we ever only have a short time to live” etc, which is fucking bullshit, because you shouldn’t wait till you are fucking sick to do those things, you should fucking do them NOW.

Anyways, I was so annoyed with this god damned situation that I told them all if I get Cancer, I’m gonna sit in my bedroom and hate this world and everything in it. I wouldn’t want any visitors or well wishers and no fucking Chemo either.. I wouldn’t fight at all and would want that shit to kill me as fast as possible and would also smoke more cigarettes in hopes of accelerating the cancer, thereby killing me faster. They launched into the whole cancer isn’t funny thing, and that’s when I made a break for it.

Here’s Bianca Gasciogne. She’s the girl you would like to fuck if you had Cancer and only had a short time to live, cause you are a virgin and will use any excuse to get laid.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I’d love to write something funny here and see you all off for the weekend, but I’ll be honest. My friend just showed up here with a case of beer and we are going to get shit faced.

Have a nice weekend, assholes.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I used to smoke a lot of weed and eat mushrooms all the time. I loved the feeling of my reality being completely altered and not being able to tell what was real and what wasn’t. Then about a year ago I had to stop, cause shit started to get really fucking scary. All the positive hippy vibes that made me love shit like that in the first place were replaced with dark hallucinations coupled with extreme panic, paranoia, and delusions that can’t even be explained. Now I just stick to booze, coke and cigarettes, and I don’t really get The Fear anymore. This video brings back some bad memories though.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Ever Martinez

There’s something to be said about knowing and admitting who you are to those around you. Jesus will be the first to admit that he’s a fat, impotant piece of shit, for instance. Julien, our token gay blogger, will never argue the fact that he is a flaming queen that is scared of bugs and mice. Julien’s friend, however, needs to take a fucking cue….

So I have a friend that has a little problem with crystal meth and it’s getting out of hand. I know, I know, it’s such a cliché; gay guy is addicted to meth and fucks lots of but sometimes clichés exist for a reason. So my other friends want to tell his parents and have some fucking intervention type thing so he can go to rehab. Now, I don’t have too much sympathy for this little faggot, I mean I’ve done meth before and I’m stupid enough to become a fucking addict and even if I was an addict I would do what any self respecting WASP would do and keep it inside and personal. My Mom hass been addicted to painkillers for years and nobody really knows because she doesn’t fucking broadcast it. I also think that rehab is fucking bullshit, if it
doesn’t work for Lohan how is it going to work for my friend?

Anyway, the big problem is that his parents don’t know that he’s gay and if we have this intervention it would definitely come out and we need his parents because they are rich or something and they can pay for the rehab. Again, I don’t see what the problem is because we are talking about one of the biggest faggots I know, he’s gayer than Christmas. He dyes his hair, he wears way too much jewelry, he has a fucking lisp and, most importantly, he’s a fucking meth addict.

Only fags and soccer mom’s are meth addicts and this guy doesn’t drive no Windstar. So if he was worried about his parents finding out he’s gay, he’s really not doing a good job. This guy is doing a really shitty job acting straight. But he’s still a better actor than Heather Graham.

Smooch!

Julien

I went on a date last night with this guy who seemed pretty nice when I met him but not really my type so to speak. He ended up taking me to this fucking frat boy bar where 90% of the kids have just moved out of their houses and are spending their parents money to get wasted and not get up for the college classes their parents also paid for.

So needless to say I’m stuck sitting between him and this other dude, listening them talk about college fucking football (of course) and, hating my life and wondering why I always end up with these fucking losers, and of course trying to think of a way to get out of this situation, because I hate jock fucks. The climax came when they asked me if I would be interested in letting them tag team me and got all bro-type-high-five-shit and like I’m not really into that because more often then not the dudes are closet gays more interested in seeing each other naked then me.

I ended up asking where the bathroom was and when I found it I noticed there was a door to the back alley of this place and before you could say beer bong, I was out of the place like a fucking bolt of lightning. I ended up going to some shitty bar down the street from my place and going home with some hott random dude to fuck all night , so all is well that ends well. I didn’t get his phone number or give him mine, and it’s probably better that way

Here’s Gemma Atkinson.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Well here is Jennifer Ellison at some event or another exuding what I can only describe as pure class. You can practically see it oozing from her pores. You’ve heard of a wolf in sheeps clothing? Well Jennifer here is a whore in whores clothing.

I never really went through that period in my life where I dressed like a whore yet and I don’t think I am going to, mostly because if my mother or Jesus ever saw me leave the house like that they would kick the shit out of me, straight up. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for short skirts and high heeled fuck me boots that go up to my knee, but I’m not for old men yelling at me out their car windows asking “Hey baby, how much?” either, you know? That’s more Sugar Nell’s department if anything, and I like to leave professional jobs to professionals.

I did learn at a young age that I can pretty much get anything I want from men based on my looks, but I know how girls are that do that shit and I don’t roll like that. I’m not even talking about fucking for money here, I’m talking about bitches who arent even gold diggers they just like some idiot to take them out so they dont have to pay for shit, and go to fancy restaurants that usually suck anyways. They don’t fuck for $400, they fuck for dinner and a movie. They are the bargain basement store prostitutes. I tried it a few times and hated myself after for it, not because I hurt some guys feelings and made him cry (that part was funny) but cause I know in my heart that unlike Jennifer Ellison here, I ain’t no $2 hooker.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I spent last night bent over scaffolding getting fucked from behind on a construction site in downtown LA. The old man who flew me out west is the developer or something (details bore me). If you had been paying attention, you would know me and this guy go way back: I didn’t spread ‘em for him for free then, and I’m not doing it for free now. Old habits die hard.

All in all, it was kind of exciting hanging over the side of an unfinished 20 story building, your bare tits bobbing in the air, watching the tiny clueless people down below. Just you, a 50 year old man, the hum of late night traffic, and the sound of your sloppy genitals smacking the shit out of each other. I came a little.

I have spent most of this morning picking the splinters out of my stomach, but at least this dude doesn’t make me wear special “outfits”, outfits like the one Sarah Michelle Gellar is sporting down below back in 1993. This looks like an impromptu shoot in the corner of a Southwestern restaurant, which means she probably was serious about the Madonna get-up and took the shortbus there. IF, in fact this was a ‘Madonna’ themed shindig or costume party, then she still wins the Tard Award for her posing. So there you go, young Buffy showing you her bra. Go wack off. The end.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

One of our readers was complaining that we didn’t post pics of Jessica Alba when the news broke that dumped that loser Cash Warren. Mostly I didn’t post them because I leave the shit like that for actual news sites and I didn’t think any of you would give a fuck to be honest. If she had done it naked, for example, or while flashing her pooter to the camera, then I would have been all over that shit. I thought about it though and I guess despite the fact that will never, ever get to fuck her, ever, your odds to increase somewhat since she is now single. And I guess when you’re a loser virgin like yourself you will take hope wherever you can get it.

These pics were taken at Comic-Con in San Diego, which I think is hilarious because I’ve been to these conventions and seen the guys who go there, and when thinking of all of them bustin’ a nut to Alba at some press conference for Fantastic Four, it’s funny and creepy all at the same time.

I was really into comics when I was young, because I was a tomboy and wanted to do whatever the boys did. Plus I was always into drawing and writing stories and it interested me, even though all my friends were rich and we were poor and I couldn’t get the good comics like the rest of them. After going to a few conventions and seeing fags dressed up super hero costumes and grown men taking what is essentially a story book with words a 6 year old can read and some colourful pictures so seriously, I started to re-evaluate my interest in comics. Somewhere along the line I realized that people who get way to obsessed with comics are actually pretty freaky and need to get fucking lives. I think I traded my crappy collection to some loser kid for a pack of cigarettes he stole from his mom, and that was that. I stand by my decision.

Here’s some more pics of Alba. If you decide to jerk off to them, make sure you use a tissue and not your limited edition, specialty copy of Superman instead.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

When I was still living in LA as a kid, i spent the night at my friend’s house one Saturday. She lived on a golf course and her big fancy house had maids and ping-pong. She took me to her church in the morning. Guess what church that was? The Church of Scientology.

I was only 11 but knew something was up. We were in the “Sunday School” section, where we just drew some trees after a mind-blowingly boring story about guess what… some trees. At the end of the adult service, we were paraded out in front of all the brainwashed Hollywood folk and prodded into singing this new-age hymn like little performing monkeys. As I was leaving, they asked for my address and phone number. Now, they had already added my name to the giant attendance poster in sharpee, even though i repeatedly told them not to since I was just visiting and went to a real church. Fuckers were aggressive. So I gave them a fake number and address for two reasons: 1) my parents told me never give personal information out to strangers, and 2) my parents were poor and a waste of their time.

This story is relevant for two reasons: 1) Leah Remini is a crazy-ass Scientologist, and 2) I am back in LA for a few days. This is Leah at the El Cantante premiere last night. I don’t know why these people ‘drink the Kool-Aid,’ but whatever Scientology has given Leah spiritually it hath taken away from her rack. Poor Leah’s cleavage now has this flattened, upside-down V thing going on. I blame Xenu. Also, she looks tired and/or drunk. Fucking Thetans.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

Well, here’s a nice way to start off Friday morning. I don’t know who Katherine Kelly Lang is, but she is in St. Tropez, in a bikini, and when you get laid as little as you do, you should stop being picky and crying and take what you can get.

Speaking of crying, it seems we have a few cry baby readers out there who miss Jesus, and don’t like this or that about the site during his vacation. I dunno what to tell you guys honestly, and in the end, you should just take it up with Fatass when he gets home, cause while he’s on his cruise and cheating on my mother with hookers, I’m stuck in my hot sweaty bedroom on my summer vacation, writing this bullshit so all 7 of you have something to do at your desk instead of working. Trust me, there’s a lot better things I would like to be doing as well, but we’re all stuck here with each other, so let’s try and work together. It’s kinda like being stuck in a elevator with someone you hate and fucking them to make the most of the situation, you know?

In the end, judging by our traffic stats, we have still retained the same 7 readers that were here before he left, so I’m doing good so far I think and if you don’t like it, no one is forcing your virgin ass to read it either. If anything, that Homo comes back in a little over a week, so don’t get scared and until then just keep holding on to your teddy bear tightly and sucking your thumb.

I went out with some of my guy friends last night to celebrate one of thier birthdays. One of them is also getting married so the night turned into the 3 of them complaining about getting older and loosing their freedom, while i went around slutting it up with various guys I met and drinking free shot after free shot.

I hate the idea of marriage to be honest and I have problems with guys I start to date because I can’t be with just one dude, I need variety. I’ve had more then on relationship end as a reult of this, and I know there will be many more.

My stepfather and mother hate each other and live with that every fucking day. Think about that for a second. They are there when you wake up, and they are there when you go to sleep. You know those assholes who say life is too short? Well, they are wrong, my friends, life is fucking LONG, and it wil be even longer if you have to spend every last fucking day of it with somebody you hate.

Here’s the links, click them and watch me go WILD!!

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I’ve never fucked a fat guy, and not because I haven’t wanted to, it just like hasn’t happened yet, you know? i mean I’m a top anyways, so some guy not being abel to get on top of me fuck me isn’t really that much of an issue, and the longer it goes without happening the more I think about it.

This guy is kinda making me change my mind.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve

I wish I had something funny or memorable to write today, but I don’t. was hoping Mike Rowe from Dirty jobs would get back to me in regards to the post I made HERE and maybe even that bitch Heather who’s email I posted in the steplinks HERE but no such luck. That being said, I am bored and tired and don’t feel like writing right now, so here’s some pics of Lucy Pinder in a bikini. You still love me, right?

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I am not excited about flying cross country to spend 5 days getting slammed by a former client’s old man meat for rent money, and writing for you twats while he recharges. I haven’t really been back to LA since I was a kid. We left when I was 12 because I had a depressive drunk birth-father (not the fun Step kind like Jesus) who needed a new start in a new timezone, which didn’t really work out.

I remember hating LA. We lived right on the border of the rich part, like literally, the neighborhood went from rich to poor in the middle of my street, beginning with my house. My dad said he was going to re-stucco the front, ripped it all off, then left the wood and cinder blocks and pipes exposed for 5 years and let the lawn turn into a weed forrest while he drank in the garage. There were some Filipinos further down the block with some chickens and a chihuahua that went missing. The kid next door claimed he beat the rat dog to death in a pillow case with a bat, but that dog was most likely the Filipinos’ dinner. There was a drug bust one night. A local skinhead would paint swastikas on the wall of the retarded kid’s house. The riots were kind of exciting.

This is Deelishes from Flava of Love’s teets. I don’t know whether she won or not, but she looks like the tranny that used to prance by my school yard every other day swinging a purse and a ponytail weave.

Once I saw Flava Flave in NYC heading west on 18th street at 5th ave. He had his big clock on and was yelling into is cell for attention. It was sad. But not as sad as Deelishes’ udders. Someone didn’t wear a bra for ten years. She should get a lift and you should start smacking your prick because you know it turns you on.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

I was hanging out with Julien at the gay bar on the weekend, you know, me being Julien’s fag hag and all, and telling him how when I watch porn to masterbate to, I only like to watch girl-on-girl shit. He says its because I am, in fact gay, and I said its because porn guys are disgusting to anybody thats not a gay man. We had to agree to disagree on this one. The topic then moved solely onto masterbation, a portion of which I have included here.

PS: He still thinks I’m gay.

Girls are really fucked up about masturbation. I’m not talking on the whole Guys can talk about jerking off but girls aren’t allowed to, double standard thing (yeah yeah I know you have a vibrator, you’re so empowered, big whoop). No, girls are fucked up about masturbation because they have to many moral hang-ups about who to masturbate to.

I was talking to a few female friends about their fantasies and because they are all children of the 80’s, they all had a thing for Michael J. Fox, specifically in the Back to the Future movies. They all had these elaborate scenarios that they used, most involved the DeLorean, some involved Christopher Lloyd (ok that was a joke but I do think that would be kind of hot). Anyway, so I asked them if they still masturbate to young Michael J. Fox and they were all like No way! That’s sick! He has Parkinsons! So basically, the fact that he used to be hot and he now has a disease has stopped them from masturbating to him all together.

Now I don’t understand this at all. I jerk off to anyone I want to, I don’t give a fuck how they die. Some of my all time best fantasies are: River Phoenix, Christopher Reeves as Superman and Freddy Mercury. But my all time masturbation champ would have to be Jesus (Christ, not Martinez. Although if comes back from his trip all tanned and trim, he might work for him). Yeah man Jesus is fucking hot, I don’t care that he was crucified and is the son of God, he has a really tight body and could probably do all kinds of freaky shit in bed. Demigod sex is so where it’s at.

So my advice to everyone is to masturbate to whomever the fuck you want to. If you want to rev your vibrator up to the max and have multiple orgasms about Marty McFly, go right ahead, the fact that he is all shaky and shit now doesn;t cancel out that he used to be hot. But if you still have some weird hangup about it here are some almost cleavage shots of Jennifer Esposito. She used to be on Spin City with Mr. J. Fox. Maybe she can be the next best thing.

Smooch!

Julien