I still have a pretty vicious migraine but I had to do the links cause duty calls. That means all you losers get from me right now is this bitches tits and these links below. At least until tomorrow.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I like people who take pride in their appearance. You can be a fat chick or dude, but if you know how to rock it, you can look alright. Same goes for this guy. Yea, he’s homeless, and he probably has lice, but he don’t let that get him down. With hair like that, I bet he gets all the homeless pussy on the block and all the homeless hos fight over which one gets to take him out for dollar menu Mc Donalds with the money they got collecting cans. Ladies please! One at a time!

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

Julien and I got into an argument last night because he was supposed to email me a post yesterday and didn’t. If you have ever heard a gay dude and an 18 year old girl fight, its gets pretty catty. There was lots of open-palm-loose-wrist-slapping and name calling. When I told him that there are plenty of other homos out there who would gladly be our Token Gay Blogger, he was all waving his finger in front of my face, doing that thing with his neck that gay dudes do when they are mad. Then a Cher song came on the radio, which calmed him down immediately, because like all homos, he’s got a soft spot for old hag. He sent me this today explaining where he was.

I was MIA yesterday because I too fucking wasted, okay? I went out on Sunday night and had a few drinks and a few bumps which brought me to this afterparty where I did some GHB and spent the night desperately trying to get laid. I spent most of the night talking to this guy who really wasn’t that attractive but he had an Irish accent so I kept on going. Even ugly guys are hot when they have an accent. I know that this is a HUGE cliche but it’s fucking true. Even if you are wearing socks and sandals, if you’ve got an accent (a HOT accent btw), you are going to get laid. This makes me wonder if the reverse is true. I mean if I get my skinny ass to Ireland are all the hot guys going to flirt with me because they find my North American accent “charming” If this is true, I’m going on Expedia ASAP and getting my ass to Ireland charm the briefs of the locals

So anyway I spent the night talking to this semi-ugly guy and when he
left with a girl at around 5am I stayed at the party and got more fucked up. I got back to my place at around 11am and slept. I spent the day wearing pretty much what Jessica Alba is wearing in these photos. She probably got fucked up the night before too. Which leads me to a double standard. When Jessica Alba is hungover and puts on her nastys to go grocery shopping, she shows a little nipple poke and she’s sexy. When I do it, I look like a piece of faggot gutter trash.

SMOOCH!

Julien

Sugar Nell wrote a fantastic post to go along with these photos, but I have head splitting migraine and in my own confusion, deleted the fucking thing like a retard. I was so mad I hit my computer, and it shut off and didnt turn back on for a little bit. Also brilliant.

You so you get 9 photos (which aren’t even that hardcore, man I hate halfway dykes), and no Related Posts, and I get to curl up in bed and die, or at least sleep for a bit of the afternoon. Which ever comes first.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I have to go to a Bachelor part this weekend. Yes I know, girls don’t usually go to bachelor parties, but its for a good guy friend of mine who is getting married and he insist I come. I figure it will be a great last chance to get him really fucking drunk and high, and then slap the shit out of him for wanting to get married and ruin his fucking life, you know, cause I’m a good friend like that. Truth be told, as much as wives want to whine about what goes on at the Bachelor parties, the Bachelorettes are always way fucking worse.

The Bachelor parties usually consist of going to some shitty bar and drinking even shittier beer, while the guys talk about getting older and play pool or that dumb fucking table soccer game I can’t remember the name of right now. The 2 fun guys suggest they hit a strip club, but the groom is a whiney fuck and doesn’t want to sleep on the couch (cause you know, men in relationships are idiots, and will TELL chicks shit like that, instead of just keeping it in the vault where it belongs). They head to another bar and meet a hott group of girls. The 2 fun guys end up leaving and going to get laid, while the groom talks about his wife to be with the one girl h should be getting head from in the bathroom. He goes home for his 2 am curfew so his wife doesn’t get mad at him, cause he’s a bitch like that.

At Bachelorette parties you always end up meeting a big group of horny guys right at the start. Nothing says desperate like a group of chicks hanging out because one of them is marrying a guy she doesn’t even love, but who has a bit of money. It’s foreshadowing for what’s to come for the rest of them. You loose an average of 2-3 members of the group after the first bar cause of the horny guys. It doesnt take long before the bride is dancing on the bar with her skirt over her head.

Then she suggests they all go to the male strip club “because she’s never been before!!” (which is a huge lie btw, she goes there every time her husband is out of town for work, and they know her by name). After many rounds of shots, someone realizes they can’t find the bride, at which point they go to the bathroom, where she is sucking some sweaty, tanned dudes cock (not even in the stall) and crying at the same time because she realizes she hates her husband to be.

Nothing gets talked about on the car ride home or afterwards, because women know better then to share that shit with anyone (unless we are mad at each other, in which case all the dirt is fair game) When the bride gets home and husband asks how it was, she mutters something he can’t hear and falls asleep in all her clothes, with her make up on.

The wedding happens a few days after, and nobody is the wiser.

Here’s Ashley Tisdale.

Yesterday, while I was on my 2 hour layover in Chicago, I sat at a “Beach” bar getting drunk. I was surrounded by other folks who found it perfectly acceptable to get wasted at 4pm in an airport. This consisted of hefty middle-aged men in khakis, a crew of fratboys, a lone tie-dye hippy, and a blonde girl my age who got stuck sitting next to a chatty grandpa. While I was sipping my Sam Adams and Strawberry Margarita (double fisting is for the booze, not the sack), the bigscreen tuned to Fox News taught me Paris is selling her house, and that parents somewhere are fighting back against a pedophile and his website. They showed the ped’s pic, and it could have been a younger version of anyone of the fags surrounding me (except the girl and the hippy).

I got home at 11pm and considered bar-crawling, but my five days in California stuffed me more than a thanksgiving turkey, that is if thanksgiving turkey’s were stuffed with cocks. I lost about five pounds from all the sex and traveling. What sucks is how sore my vagina and tits are, and the rugburn on my left ass cheek I don’t remember getting. I think I may close up shop for a while, keeping the play down to dry-humping, and the exchange of bodily fluids down to spit. But these resolutions always fall apart after 5 vodka-on-the-rocks, and by then I’m on my knees or back faster than you can shove the porn under your bed when your mom comes knock’n.

Here is Paris Hilton out on the town and attempting to close up shop. I guess being cut-off from her inheritance has inspired her to keep her clit from breathing free, in hopes of winning back grandpa’s approval. Come on Paris, it was the prison that pissed him off. We all know the quickest way into an old man’s heart is showing a little freshly shaved meat. Ew, I need a shower and you need some alone time with Ms. Hilton’s innermost thigh and invisible box.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

I was out having drinks with some friends last night and had to deal with the shock and awe from some jock idiot who couldn’t fathom that I had never seen American Pie. Am I really missing out on that much?? What’s worse, is this homo acted like the fucking movie was Schindler’s List of something, which I guess when you’re a full time drunken college-sports-idiot may be true, but all I really watch is documentaries and porn. I don’t think I’ve seen Schindler’s List either, come to think of it.

I’m hoping Tara Reid gets pregnant soon, cause I think she will make the ultimate Couger Mom. Couger Moms are women like Dina Lohan, who try to re-live their youth vicariously through their daughters, sleep with their children’s friends, and give their kids booze when they are way too young cause they have no friends of their own and want the kids to think they are hip. You know what I mean, the mom’s you think are cool when you’re like 12, until you realize that it’s pretty bizarre a grown women always wants to hang out with teenagers.

I can just see Tara battling for the attention of her daughters friends, spilling her long island ice tea on her pink carpet as she walks around her house in a bikini and high heels, her make up smeared across her face. Her skin will be the shade of a nice leather Luis Vuitton handbag by then. She would make all the kids go sit in the living room and watch American Pie repeatedly, pausing it to either give commentary on all her big scenes or to yell at the TV and start to cry because “things weren’t supposed to turn out this way”.

I was supposed to go to the doctor this morning, but when I checked my messages last night, there was a message from his secretary saying that he ain’t gonna be in for the next little while. Apparently the old fart had a heart attack or some shit, which I think is hilarious. I always laugh when doctors have health issues, kinda like a taxi driver getting hit by cab, you know?

It sounds like the bastard may be on his last legs though and I may have to find a new doctor, which sucks for me, cause when you’re a young girl who has to have old men stick stuff in their vagina for health reasons, you tend to want to stay with someone familiar and that you know, versus when they are just sticking random stuff if there for fun and are strangers you meet walking home very early in the morning after way too much booze.

Speaking of random things going in (and out of vaginas) I’m starting to wonder if Jenna Jameson’s days are numbered is the porn industry. I’m not sure what their Union’s guidelines are in regards to zombies.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

PS: The rumor about Scarlett Johansson playing Jenna in a movie turned out to be bullshit, which is a shame, cause I would much rather remember Scarlett as Jenna, rather than Jenna herself.

PPS: She could have at least wore a dress that showed off her rack.