I lost my virginity before I became a hooker. I was 15 and it was to a local college kid that made my piss-poor fake ID, let’s call him “Jared.” I met him through my cousin who enjoyed romancing teenage girls with weed and then fucking them in the back of his jacked pickup. Jared and I started off as friends. He showed me the ropes, escorting me to seedy bars around town that didn’t care as long as you showed them something plastic with your picture on it. Looking back, Jared was a douche, but he knew how to play 15 year olds. I wanted him to like me, so I talked it up all tough, saying I had lost my virginity at 13 in the locker-room to my male PE coach, and I had blown my substitute teacher and nailed him in his Ford Torus.

After about three “dates,” Jared took me back to his dorm, which he shared with either a corpse or a comatose stoner. I was nervous as shit. I was pretty sure i popped my cherry when I jumped off a 30 foot cliff into a swimin’ hole and landed on my ass/vagina, so I was hoping it wouldn’t reveal my lies. We listened to some Gin Blossoms and Dave Matthews (yeah, well it was 1996). We started doing tequila shots: first off the arms, neck. He takes off my shirt, I take off his shirt. I unbutton his pants while he undoes mine. Shots off the abs, inner thigh. He removes my bra, does one off my nipple. Pretty soon were naked and he is flicking something in my wadge that makes my leg shake like when you scratch a dog on the stomach (I would have known it was my clit if I had stayed awake in sex ed).

Jared rammed me sideways, doggy, and with both legs behind my head (I am freakishly flexible). When it was over, I was so drunk I confessed I was a virgin. We smoked some weed, then he handed me my clothes, and I never heard from him again. And at 15, I realized that was just fine, because i liked sex, and there were plenty of other penises in the sea. And that is how the slut in sweet Nelly eventually gave rise to the ex-Hooker and party-whore that is Sugar Nell.

Here is Jenna Malone in a Bikini in Australia shooting “The Ruins.” She was in “Confessions of an American Girl” where she played some douche’s secret dork slut, and he knocked her up, and then she tried to off herself with a plastic knife in the bathroom of her dad’s prison on visitor’s day. The fetus aborted itself an hour later anyway. The douche reminded me of Jared. It was a great movie. Laura Ramsey was in “The Covenant,” which was so fucking stupid. Now wack off under the desk of your cubicle.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)
EMAIL ME HERE

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