I am – Not Helping Grandma Cross the Street of the Day
I decided to treat myself to McDonald’s today, because I slept so much, missed dinner, was in Asia and ate the weirdest food of my life and missed the chemical charged anti-vomit fake egg burrito that doesn’t remind me of Mexico as much as it reminds me of eating a bowl of dog shit like I did in High School while trying to impress some chick and later ending up hospitalized from some kind of ecoli infection that almost killed me, but I still like to relive that feeling every once in a while, it makes me feel alive and reminds me how fragile life is. If eating a bowl of shit can kill you, than I am pretty sure a lot of other things can too. But I survived like the cockroach that I am.
While at McDonald’s, some dyke with a Rolex was screaming at the staff about how this is supposed to be fast food and how it’s taking too long and how they should be paying her to eat there and shit, pretty much ruining my fucking glorious day back home after 15 hours of sleep. I was tempted to speak up, tell her to shut the fuck up and threaten to rip her fucking throat out because I realized on my trip that threats of violence get you places when threats of “shut up bitch” just lead to heated arguments that no one has patience for, the goal is to make them think you’re fucking insane, while knowing on the inside that you really aren’t, in efforts to make your day more pleasant.
I don’t think Canada is ready for my Asian “Rip Your Fucking Throat Out” approach and I didn’t want to get arrested again before settling back in here so I just listened to her throw a tantrum for 10 minutes, before my new Black Best Friend told her to shut the fuck up, she turned her broad lesbian shoulders around sized him up and told him that he may think he’s a big man but he’s got a little dick and she ran out of the place to go on with her miserable fucking day. After she left he went on about how she needs to get laid and I told him that she’s just a closet lesbian who is probably married and has kids and can’t handle the pressure of her husband’s dick because ever since her dad or uncle or schoolteacher made her take it up the ass when she was a kid, dick never looked very friendly. I think that threw him off a bit but I am kinda cracked out and felt like I was still dreaming and now I regret not speaking my mind, defending my fellow McDonald’s workers and being the hero of the morning.
I guess that’s how you should feel about not helping this old lady cross the street, because it’s a fucking Miracle she’s alive and the best thing to do to celebrate that miracle is to give her a helping hand, even if you are too self absorbed to even notice her as you walk to work to make your money to buy your expensive things and live the suburban life your parent’s want you to live. Enjoy.
