I left my house today only to find a ton of college girls in town. I guess it’s that time of year, summer is over, even though it’s summer vacation everyday for me. I was faced with so many half naked young girls with their tits all hanging out and shit and so many of them were running into the pharmacy, I could only assume they were buying birth control because it’s always to have raw dog sex responsibly, otherwise the herpes wouldn’t be as fun as they are supposed to be when you’re all pregnant and shit….

I then walked by a group of street kids who looked dirty as fuck, I am talking no showered dirty not ass to mouth dirty and one of them was pregnant. I could only assume the dude with the squeegee was the dad and the other girls were her entourage but when she lit up a smoke and asked for money for beer and an aborition, I couldn’t help but give her what I had because the though of her nasty box and the smell it probably has getting knocked up was so disgusting that it was exciting to me….

Your life may not be as good, but here are my links..Click Them….

There was a time when I had a pretty rude gay, black , Jewish blogger working on the site, but he became some kind of drug addict and only delivered a couple posts, so I hunted down Julien to be the next gay to take this site to Perezdom…because it turns out people are fags. Since Julien is a sex addicted drug using freakshow he wrote a pretty intensely gay post…I think he miss understood when I said be bitchy with write about having a dick in your ass like you’re a bitch…anyway this is what he wrote:

This guy was fucking me last night and after he came, he fell asleep, like right after. It was like someone had hit him over the head and he passed out. I mean he was still inside me and he was fucking snoring. In my younger years, I would’ve just pulled him off of me and rolled over and went to sleep, but I’m older and wiser and empowered or some shit. So instead of just lying there I decided to help myself out. I figured I might as well get something out of this night. So I jerked myself off with the guy still lying on top of me. The guy finally woke up after some of my wad shot on his face. He completely flipped out and kept on saying he hadn’t been so insulted in his entire life and blah blah blah. So he got his clothes on and stormed out of the apartment. I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s just cum, it’s actually good for the skin. It’s better than a facemask. I should sleep with someone like Keira Knightly. I mean, she has such great skin, guys must cum on her face all the time.

Smooch!

Julien

I told him that that was by far too fucking intense for my readers since this isn’t a gay erotic site and the best case scenario some virgin in the mid-west probably got hard to that shit and is now driving around with a baseball bat that he is going to use to kill some local faggot because he thinks it’s the only way to reclaim his manhood…so Julien came back at me with this one….

A few months ago, some famous bitch said that gay men, specifically fashion designers, were to blame for all of the eating disorders and skinny women in the media because they have some unrealistic ideals of what a woman should be. Now if you look at a train wreck like whatever Jenna Jameson is turning herself into, I would agree with her. I mean have you seen her lately? She looks like the fucking creature from the black lagoon. But for every Jenna Jameson, there is a Keira Knightly. I mean this bitch is skinnier than a chopstick but she is fucking hot. If this is what a combination of gay men and eating disorders can accomplish, I have nothing bad to say. Hell, she’s the reason I only eat one meal a day. She’s totally my thinsperation.

So when all those homophobes are saying that gay men should burn in hell and blah blah blah remember, we created Keira Knightly.

Smooch!

Julien

Maybe the gay thing’s not going to work so well, but I am sticking to it…so come back tomorrow for more!

I saw a girl drop the “just because I am blond doesn’t mean I am stupid” line at the local coffee shop and I wanted to throw-up on her because that fucking shit is retardedly played out and has probably been dropped more than her disgusting whore panties because let’s face it Blonds are sluts….at least that’s the rumor.

Speaking of Blonds being sluts, there is no way that this bitch has anything to do with Owen Wilson killing himself and failing miserably making him look like that pussy in your class who was crying for attention and this was the cool Goth way to get it.

Trying to kill yourself over Kate Hudson is like killing yourself over the ugly girl you went to high school with and never spoke to except on the day you realized her mom was a hot slut who liked to wear skimpy bikinis leading to you talking to her and getting yourself invited over until until you got caught peeping on the mom changing one summer afternoon….

What I am getting at is that this bitch isn’t worth shit, she’s already used up and has a kid, she’s got nothing good going for her and ending up with that dude Dax from Punk’d is pretty much a relationship I can respect because he’s such a waste of fucking space too.

I just realized that he could have tried to kill himself because of regret that he actually stuck it to her..you know like when you fuck a bitch that makes you question your sexuality and you don’t want to go on living life as a queer….I didn’t think of it like that because I am Mr Positive today, but I am still convinced Owen Wilson did what he did because cocaine makes you fucking crazy. I know kids who have turned bisexual on it, I know people who have tried to jump off buildings on it, nothing really good comes from it, except for a ton of blowjobs when you have it cuz bitches do anything for the stuff….

I found gum on the street today that was still half wrapped and I was fucking excited because the first thing I thought to myself was that I didn’t have to brush my teeth today and anything that gets me out of boring hygiene practices that are totally outdated is fine by me. Enough with my good news….

I came across these pictures of Anna Kournikova eating in a bikini top and I didn’t know whether they were old or new, but figured I sure as hell better post them before my 2 readers who I hate lash-out on me…

I went to the strip club last night because there are serious deals on drinks on monday night, I always call it hurtbag mondays because the people in the place are just as fucking desperate as the girls working…I am talking the ugliest of the ugly strippers are there trying to make ends meet because the weekend didn’t work out too well for them because no one got a dance.

The most amazing thing happened when I got there. All the prime bitches were out working, the college kids were back in town and showing their new found friends what strippers in this city are like and that’s when I realized it was Tuesday, and that I missed hurtbag Monday by a day and that depressed me more than I thought it would. The only real hurtbags in the place were a group of fat chicks who showed up an hour before closing to land some already primed guys they knew were leaving blue-balled. I guess deep down inside I feel at home on hurtbag monday.

I can only assume your life is even more depressing because you read about mine so here is some Anna Kournikova emotionally eating her way into a size 14 for you.

I’m entering my first year of college in a week or so and had to go confirm my registration yesterday afternoon. I’m not looking forward to college to be honest, but if anything it will provide me with good writing in the form of sleeping with my professors, going to keg parties and lots of “experimenting” with drugs and members of the same sex. Although it’s not really experimenting anymore when you do it every weekend.

While most of my friends drove off to state college earlier this month in their new cars their parents bought them , o go live in apartments their parents also pay for, I am living at home, going to community college and don’t even have my license yet. If I was smart or good at sports I may have got a scholarship and since fucking people isn’t a highschool class (yet), I guess I’m shit out of luck in the area of financial aid.

This is the part where I would normally link the photos to what I just wrote about, and you would either laugh or write some cry baby comment about what I wrote, but I can’t think of anything right now, so here’s a shit load of Megan Fox pictures with her looking like a sexy student.

Go beat off. The End.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez

I have no idea who Phobe Price is but they talk about her on a few other sites I go on, and I didn’t want to make it seem like we weren’t in the know, even though I just admitted to all 3 of you reading out there that I don’t know who she is anyways, thereby admitting that we aren’t in the know. But thats beside the point.

The resident slut of my old highschool was famous for befriending loser fat and/or Ugly chicks in hopes that it would make her more physically appealing to the round of jocks and preppy assholes she opened her legs to on the regular. Nothing makes a dog hotter then when you put it next to a pig. She would let them gang bang her at the big partie’s they would have when their parents went out of town to Florida, or whever the fuck rich people go on vacation these days, I wouldn’t know.

It was a fantastic twist of fate when during a yearly physical for the football team, one of the guys found out he had got Herpes and that not only had he traced it back to getting it from this slut, but half the fucking team had it thanks to all the group activities they had been having on the weekends. It got even more funny when a few of the fat girls found out they had it too. Turned out that the slut was bi-sexual and used to fuck around with her fat friends before she dropped them. The outbreak was so bad they had one of those school assemblies about safe sex and showed us those awesome outdated movies from the 1950′s full of safe sex propaganda.

I doubt Phobe Price has Herpes, but you can bet your ass she’s been the “Ugly Friend” on more then one occasion.

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

I have posted about this bitch before. She’s pretty much a nobody. Her mom was married to a UK footballer and she ended up on some reality show where she got drunk and slutted out and since then she has been on a quest to be the biggest whore out there but she’s doing a pretty bad fucking job proven by the fact that her fake tits suck and she’s wearing a bikini….if she was a real whore there’d be a dick in her mouth or something similar like maybe a vagina….

Either way, I got punched in the face yesterday. I wasn’t too surprised considering I tend to say pretty funny things to people randomly that they always seem to take offense to. This time it was because I was walking down the street and heard a baby crying really fucking loud. I looked up ahead and saw a mother in her van and they where black and she was trying to calm the baby down. I turn to a guy standing about 10 feet away from them and think this is a perfect opportunity to drop a harmless racist joke. So I say “you know what the baby is crying right?” and the guy says “why” and I say “Cuz it just found out it was black”…..seriously a totally harmless joke but it turns out that he was the father of the kid and doesn’t like black jokes since he’s all United Nations and marries black women and has black babies….I am not a racist, but based on this guys reaction for thinking I am one, I don’t suggest you be one either.

That is today’s life lesson, now look at this Bianca Gascoigne bitch in a bikini and realize that I’d bang her even if she was black because I don’t discriminate, I only do it sometimes for the sake of jokes….

Everyone is giving this bitch a hard time about being a shitty mother and they are making a big fucking deal about her smoking with her kids in pictures. That’s like giving someone a hard time about feeding their kids eat McDonald’s for dinner , or making them skip school to go on Christmas Vacation or some shit. If they think this bitch is a bad parent, they should see some of the people I know, who are on welfare and who are addicts and who live in shitty fucking apartments and spend their money on their addictions and not on their kids well-being. These are the kids who show up to school covered in dirty, smelling of piss and lookin’ all malnourished as they stare at you eating your sandwich with envy when all they have to eat is a can of creamed corn but no can opener. The fact that they are born from Britney’s disgusting vagina is a fucking blessing, they may be neglected by her and she may find it fun to watch them play with endangered species and they may be a form of her insane entertainment or some kind of fashion accessory that she looks at with her glazed over, medicated eyes like they are her very own personal dancing monkeys…but she has a staff to pick up her slack and there is always private school…..so her smoking is really not a big deal and if they want to make a lesson out of anyone they should hit up some of the ghetto neighborhoods where crackbabies are left to fend for themselves at the age of 2, instead of bugging Britney. She is rich and because of that we should all leave her the fuck alone….

When looking for shit to post today – I came across this picture of Nicole Schrezinger’s barely there nipple in her video and this funny post alongside:

If you think it’s photoshopped, download the video. Skip through the frames at around 3:31.

It reminded me of what I assume the 5 of you are like. You rent movies because they have a nudity warning and when that nude scene hits you pause the shit and when the DVD was invented you got fucking excited because of the zoom feature allowing you to focus right in on the nipple or ass on the screen. You are the kind of guy who saves every bikini, topless, nipple slip, upskirt picture you can find of celebrities and even have a folder on your hard drive called “Celebrity Porn” where you have each picture cataloged by date it hit the internet. When you meet up with your other virgin friends, you all talk about girls and what sex would be like and which celebrity you would marry if you ever met them, assuming that they’d totally see past your lameness and just on your dick, because I guess that’s what fantasies are for and when you’re done trading your notes on what movies and what timecode in the movie the best nude/ hard nipple/ tight pant/ short skirt scene hits, you’re at the comic book store wondering what it would be like to fuck a cartoon. You are weird, you are a collector, you like videogames and you are my only fan.

I’d like to thank you for that with this Nicole Schrezinger Nipple at frames that start at 3:31 in her video…You’re welcome for making your day today an easier one…..Cuddles.

There’s a viral video going around the internet and it’s pretty much one of those comedy songs I find lame, set to a video of Lohan or someone who is supposed to be Lohan. Since I love Lohan and do everything I can to get closer to her, I hunted down the girl who played her in the video and she agreed to doing a stepINTERVIEW with me. It was an amazing experience that I may never forget until I get drunk and a new girl who plays Lohan comes along, but in the meantime, I want to make this girl as famous as I can…because I love her.

Here’s the interview….

So you play Lohan in this viral video I saw and decided that I had to interview you, so the question that’s been on my mind for the last week is how did you prepare for the role as Lohan? Did it involve a lot of drinking, drug use and unprotected sex?

I did not take on this role to bash poor Linds, absolutely not! I simply emulated many of her mannerisms and that’s as far as the prep went, thanks. I just figured the more glamorous (yet sexy) with elements of humor, the more tasteful the video would turn out. The minute it crossed the line on being mean or harsh to get a cheap laugh, the video would be trash…but that never happened, yay!

I actually like her a lot and really hope she gets healthy. I think she is a very talented actress (people forget she played 2 characters in a movie at 12 yrs old, talent) BUT at the end of the day, SAD STORY:(

All of these beautiful young starletts are throwing amazing careers away because drugs and alcohol control their lives, leaving them lost and unstable. It’s not our place to pass judgement & it doesn’t make these poor girls bad, wrong, insane, or stupid…they just need HELP, its just SAD.

LFL is a little on the BOLD side with some of the honest statements about Lindsay, but it is a parody, comedy…just laugh, or not. For those who know me it’s hilarious because the true goof in me really shines through!

What can you tell us about Lohan that we don’t already know, since you’ve played her on the internet I can only assume you’re an expert.
Nope, not an expert…

What does she smell like?
No Comment

Are you comfortable with guys jerking off to you as Lohan?
OMG gross…Okay, this is a comedy boys, where I’m being an absolute nerd…if that get’s dudes off, eew weird! Oh wait, I forgot about the part where I dance in a bra and underwear, oh yeah…but still eeeew! I appreciate all the fans, feedback and love but old, perverted men overly commenting me on myspace or wherever really just gross me out….sorry, hope I haven’t offended anyone;)

All my readers are virgins but, isn’t that kind of like if your boyfriend put a Richard Nixon mask on you while you bang because it’s the only way he can get off…instead of getting of to the Chauntal we all know and love?
No Comment

Tell us a bit about yourself:
Acting/dancing/singing all my life…I’m a performer, that’s what I do! And I have the most amazing family & friends anyone could ask for. I am truly blessed…so grateful!

Where are you from?
OXNARD, CA whattttt?!

How did you get the part in the Lohan Video?
Ummm some people think I look like her or something HA. No really, I get told I look like her like everyday it’s ridiculous. Don’t think so myself, but whatever. Ultimately, I just kind of nailed the audition process.

Why is your body so tight, do you work out a lot?
I am a dancer, particularly modern day cabaret and hip hop..Yeppp I love my hiphop, that’s the Oxnard in me! That’s how I keep the bod in shape, or “so tight” excuse me. I love hiking also, it’s very theraputic. Good to get away from everyone and just get a sense of mental clarity.

Do you have a boyfriend?
BOYFRIEND??? Shall I say it? Nope, very single and…not really lookin. I like the place I’m at right now. The next guy I decide will be my boyfriend will be the guy I see myself marrying. So what’s that mean, I’m picky? I guess so. Otherwise what’s really the point, you unhappy couples. I’ll wait thanks…I really enjoy my own company & SIs is like my best friend and I have the most amazing group of girls, so I have more than enough love runnin through my life. I am so busy right now, dudes are kinda irrelavent anyway, unless he’s super hot and sweeps me off my feet!;)

I must say though, I am quite attracted to the dangerous type but with a wise mind and sincere heart. Hahaaa does that even exist? But don’t quote me on that, you can never generalize & I change my mind a lot… ooops…

What about washed up fat mexicans with no job and who hate showering, come on baby, tell me what do you let your boyfriend do to you, if you had a boyfriend, that you won’t let me do to you?
No Comment

I think what I was getting at, is would you meet a dude from the internet?
NEVER…I definitely don’t have a problem meeting dudes, in real life;)

Do you think it’s easier to get an STD from someone you meet online or someone you meet in a club?
Clubs are gross, and the guys online trying to hit on me are the same idiots at the clubs looking to get lucky…bar, strip club, myspace, it’s all the same to them…so either way they all most likely have STDs…”Go Away!”

My readers never leave their mom’s basement, so do you ever go to parks to meet men who promise to buy you candy on the internet? Or are you too old for that?
No Comment

What would I have to do to convince you to send me nude pics?
AHahaaa go ahead, try finding some but nude pics of me do not exist…never will, trashy. Maybe like Rolling Stones but most nude mags are cheeeeseball!

I kinda like nude pics and take offense to that….What do you have to say to your many, many fans reading on drunkenstepfather.com? All 5 of us are dying to know what can we expect from you in the months to come? Can we expect a Lohan Stage Act?
There a few project in the works right now…I’ve been on overload since the LFL video, crazy! However, you probably won’t be seeing any more Lindsay stuff from me, other than interviews on LFL. I am an actress/performer, working on all different types of projects, not a LiLo lookalike. And I do love comedy more than anything so I hope I can continue to humor you throughout my career. As of right now, music is a main focus.

Would you sleep with me if I could promise you stardom?
No Comment

Too bad my penis doesn’t work and you are already more famous than me….I think I am in love. Cuddles.

You can find out more about Chauntal, the girl who played Lohan in the viral video at Chuantal.com – Check Her Out….

I walked in on my younger stepdaughter topless and in a pair of hot pink barely there underwear earlier tonight. I have been feeling pretty awkward about the whole thing and haven’t really been able to look her in the face because now I officially know exactly what her tits and ass look like. I wa always convinced that this would be a great day in my life, and don’t get me wrong it was pretty amazing and really drove home the fact that I want naked girls around me at all times, but I guess the fact that I’ve known her so long and have watched her grow up just made it all wrong. It’s one of those theory is better than practice things….

I am going to the motherfucking top. Some dude sent me in this video of some dude talking celebrity gossip, and they sourced my site for the pics. Reality is I didn’t take the motherfucking pics but I am happy someone is ripping off this site. It makes me feel special…Watch his clip:

I realized today that my life is lacking something and that something is a little more Amy Winehouse in a bikini, thank god my dreams were answered, so that I can go on another day like Owen Wilson.

I don’t know what it is about crackheads that are half naked and wet, because it’s something you can see pretty much any downtown strip, but knowing that Winehouse has boatloads of money makes shit a lot more exciting. Poor addicts are played out.

There’s also something exciting about an emaciated crackhead like the fact that their heads look massively huge and I love horses, they are classy and the fact that her uterus is already hanging halfway out her box, all you gotta do is throw your load at her and hope some sticks, if you’re trying to K-Fed her and that’s a lot easier than those frigid bitches with tight pussies and internal reproductive organs…who probably wear underwear and don’t put out.

I just noticed her top is see through, and crackhead nipples are way cooler than any non-crackhead nipple because all you gotta do is wave 5 dollars in front of their noses to get a piece instead of actually having to talk to a slut…Try to prove me wrong asshole.

Since my stepdaughter hasn’t shown up in the last 4 days and has been writing posts from god knows where, I am forced to put up these posts from her gay friend Julien. Now I generally try to stay as far away from fags as I can, not because I am scared they are going to try to fuck me, even the horniest fag won’t hit on me, I just don’t have what it takes and I remember once feeling depressed about that, thinking shit, I must be pretty fucking ugly for a fag not to try to get with me, when fags pretty much fuck anything that walk, but then realized that it’s a good thing..and the reason I stay away from fags is not because of the annoying twang in their voice or annoying light on their feet strut, it is because AIDS is the gay disease and I’ll never forgive them for that….

Since all the blogs with gay writers are making huge money, I am jumping on the bandwagon and hoping the queers out there eventually flock to this site and bring your fag hags with you because that’s when I’ll know that I’ve made it.

Here’s what Julien had to say:

The thing I like about trannies and their boobs is that they know their boob’s aren’t real, they have no problem or hang ups about showing them off. A few years ago I was really good friends with this trannie and she would always wear REALLY low cut shirts and she never wore a bra. After she had a few drinks in her she would go up to guys and start yanking down her shirt and play with her boobs. Because for her, he boobs were nothing more than augmented skin with some silicon stuffed inside. Well this one time she and I were walking down the street and she flashes some guy walking by and this woman runs up to her and starts yelling at her, saying things like “You should have some self-respect” and “You don’t need to show your breasts to get attention”. I thought that was pretty funny because my tranny friend was not passable at all. I mean infants and dogs could tell that she used to be a man. But here was this woman yelling at her about how women need to have respect about their breasts.

Now I don’t really know how this story links to these pics of Tera Patrick. I don’t know who Tera Patrick is. But I’m assuming she some sort of tranny because only a tranny would be showing off her boobs like that.

P.S. I was trying to think of something to write about her dumbass sparkly Hello Kitty necklace, but I couldn’t come up with anything good. So let’s pretend that I wrote something really bitchy. Ok?

Smooch!
Julien

No matter how hot Hilary Swank ever looks all I can ever remember about her is that she played a girl pretending to be a guy in that stupid movie Boys Don’t Cry, and forgot to mention her husband in her Oscar acceptance speech, which is probably why he divorced her. You tell yourself that being attracted to girls that dress up as guys isn’t as gay as just being attracted to guys, which is wrong, but if thats what you need to tell yourself to get through the day, thats fine. Homo.

I freaked out a roomful of people the other night at a party when I said I wouldn’t turn down having sex with a Male to Female tranny, and that the idea of fucking a chick with a dick was actually really appealing to me. The minute a person has a vagina, it turns them into a catty, whiney fuck (and I know this because I have one), and I figured having the dick there avoids that, and the tits add to the overall play factor during sex. But I’m not gay, I’m just Kinky.

I guess I’m pretty lucky. As a women, me being interested in this type of thing makes me “open minded” but when someone like you is into that type of thing, it makes you a fag.

hugs and kisses
Marie-eve Martinez

2 years ago I got this really cushy gig working coat check at one of the large after hours clubs in the Gay Village here in Montreal. The great things about gigs like that is you basically get paid to listen to good music, talk to cool people and get fucked up all night. You also get to know a slew of regular clients which is nice, but you also end up seeing them in all sorts of weird situations, which when you are underage and working in a bar is pretty fucked, you know??

So there was this regular club girl that came there all the time with her older, greasy boyfriend, who looked like a slimmer version of Brandon Davis, only with a beard. This chick was an eleven out of ten, for real. Nice implants thats didn’t look too fake, long blonde hair, and a nice tan that didn’t make her look like a Jewish house wife. She was always really nice to me and talked to me alot and over time we got to know each other fairly well, and she would always tip me great at the end of the night.

So this one time I was on my break, and I went to the upstairs bathroom to do a few bumps cause it was always way less busy in that bathroom. The last stall door looked a bit open, so I headed for that one to get some privacy. As I pushed open the door, who I do see, but this chick and her man. The chick is standing on the toilet, with her skirt and panties around her ankles, the guy is down on his knees with a pen in his mouth, and he is blowing what I can only assume is cocaine directly up her ass. Now you have to understand that this was about 2 years ago and I was only beginning my decent into drugs and sexual deviance, and at the time, it scared the shit out of me. I bolted out of the bathroom and went back to work. She came to get her coat at the end of the night and I gave it to her without even looking up. Things were horribly awkward ever ytime I saw her after that, but she seemed to tip me even better, so it was like whatever, you know?

Here’s Aria Giovanni. She looks like the type of gal who would let you blow coke up her ass and then fuck her all night, if you weren’t a fat virgin who still lived at home.

hugs and kisses
Marie-Eve Martinez