If you’re going to vote in the Maxim Hometown Hotties Contest, I demand you vote for Jody. The truth is I reached out to her and told her that I have the power to make her win, which means if she wins she’ll want to bang me, and having some hot chick who is the Hometown Hottie in Maxim want to bang me for hookin’ her up is pretty much livin’ the dream….because I like hot chicks wanting to repay me with their vaginas.

Now the reason I reached out to Jody is because her body blew me the fuck away. She is tight and looks like she’d be a solid girl, one who takes care of you like a mother and fucks you like a whore, and is pretty much has everything I want in a Hometown Hottie and a wife. She was born for this shit and started off working when she was younger selling lemonade in her bathing suit because she knew what her calling was, like the Hotel Manager who wouldn’t give me Jared Leto’s room number because he was born into a family of Hotel Managers and has been working towards hotel management since he was 5, whatever the fuck that means, all I know is that he wouldn’t take 1000 dollars to give me the info, not that I would have paid him because I don’t have 1000 dollars, but he didn’t know that.

Either way, the point of this post is to say that if Jody doesn’t win. I am going to quit this site and move to LA to park in a van outside her apartment until she forgives me for my lies, or calls the cops and gets me arrested. Don’t let us down and Make Jody the Hometown Hotties Contest Winner.

Finally, a Hometown Hottie who I think deserves to be in the running, all my other reviews were kinda mean to the girls but that’s only because I didn’t think they had any business being in the competition and that they should pursue other careers, some in porn, others in working at the local Wal Mart of their Hometown but this girl Sharae has got it going on.

First off, she’s got a pretty unique face, and I am all about unique faces, I am tired of seeing the easily replaced clone party slut with fake tits, because if everyone looks the fucking same, like a cookie cutter slut, there’s no fun in bothering to learn there name, but there is fun in stuffin them like a turkey. Second, she’s got a good body, with nice big natural looking tits and to me, a hometown hottie has to have the package. She’s the girl you’re supposed to see walking around your hood and freak out over because she’s so ridiculous that you tell yourself she deserves to be in magazines. Thirdly, she wrote that she’s single, which even if it’s not true, allows all the magazine readers to think it is and that makes jerking off onto her glossy pictures easier to do, because they can fantasize that she’s actually into them….and when they cut out her picture and put it on their pillow to pretend they aren’t alone, they don’t have thoughts of her being out fucking other men.

I feel like Sharae’s got a good chance in making it, because to me she defines what Maxim is looking for, and if she doesn’t at least we’ve all seen her dressed all half naked and posing, and maybe if she doesn’t make it, she’ll at least get a gig doing something else that involves her hosting parties in my hometown so that I can douse her in champagne and lick it off her, and by champagne I mean moonshine that I sneak in, and by licking it off, I mean getting carried away in handcuffs….

I knew this kid a couple years back who was a natural player. Dude got pussy every time he left his house. It just wasn’t a thing for him. He didn’t even try to seduce girls. He was just something they all wanted to get with. I am talking from the hottest girls imaginable to the lesser quality ones but he couldn’t even go to the store or the coffee shop without one striking up a conversation with him and giving him her number. It annoyed him because shit was too accessible so he decided to join the abstinence club at the college he was going to. His goal was to take all these asexual/virginal/born again virgin 20 year olds and turn them onto a better, sexier existence. He was only in the group for a week before realizing that dudes in the abstinence club are fucking lame but the girls weren’t so bad, they were just misguided. I think he ended up breaking 3 of the 5 of them.

If you’re wondering why I am telling you this story, I have no idea why, I just ran into him and I remembered how funny that shit was….Anyway, I’ve decided that I need to make myself famous, because I am tired of being poor, so if any of you virgins have important uncles or friends, get them to put me on TV. Thanks in advance.

Here are my links.

Here are pictures of Lohan out getting a pedicure for you foot fetishists out there. I am all about Lohan, I think she’s got it going on on all fronts. I never cared that she got fucked from every angle by every dude, I never cared that she was addicted to drugs, I never cared that she went insane, I never cared when I found out that she has herpes and doesn’t tell anyone about them. I just always wanted to bang her, herpes or not and if I ever had the chance I would have done it raw dog in hopes of landing them so that whenever I got an outbreak, I could show them to my friends and brag that my herpes are fuckin’ designer celebrity herpes, a whole different luxurious strain. Reality is, I’ll never bang Lohan but she’s looking pretty good to me, which isn’t saying much, but it’s saying something….

So Travis Barker is a fucking amazing drummer. Dude’s a fucking star and I think he makes Soulja Boy worth listening to….I wrote a post when drunk about the Soulja Boy movement and how I don’t fucking understand why everyone is going crazy over it, inspired by being in a club and seeing the whole place scream when shit went on, like a group of sheep at feeding time, and when I walked out of the club I saw a group of people performing it on the street. I was just videotaping them innocently and one of them got in my face about it…well after posting my story, I got some backlash from the star of the video – Period Pants.

This is what she said:

bahahahaha!
YOUR A FAT FUCK
but i love you for filming that for us! thanksss
hoe yeah fun is fun my friend
clearly you find fun off other people’s drunken escapades
getting your own life is crucial.
oh yeah.. and next time talk shit to our face because your post… as funny as it was i must say
was nothing but lies to big up yourself
not that you need to get any bigger…
love you forever!
period pants and teeth

My response is that the shit I wrote is how it went down whether they remember it or not. They were too busy being idiots in public and getting mad at people like me for watching their public scene. That’s like a whore who dresses like a whore getting mad about dudes lookin at them. Reality is that I don’t need my own life, when I have idiots like these people to laugh at and calling me fat is about as innovative as calling a black person black or a retarded kid a retard. I don’t expect people to be that creative though, especially people who are into Soulja Boy….just keep on following the pack, motherfucker.

I just spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if these bikini pics are old or not because I feel like they are, but decided fuck it, I am going to post them anyway, because bikinis brighten up our day and because I have no editorial standards. Speaking of bright days, I had a bowl of cereal today, and the milk was sour. That’s pretty much the kind of days I always have. I ate the shit anyway because I don’t have money to buy milk and it was the last of the cereal. It tasted like shit and probably will rape my insides, but that’s just what hard living is all about.

I can only assume that’s what Heidi Montag’s baby’s going to feel like as long as he’s breast feeding, because her tits look like they are going to pop and the silicone will probably make her milk sour and her baby retarded, not that he wouldn’t be retarded in the first place, but I am just saying….

I wonder how many boys teased her growing up about being flat chested. I wonder if they used to call her flat things, like Heidi Mont-Flat, because kids are mean like that and whatever they did they gave her a complex. Maybe one of her ex boyfriends would make her fuck with her shirt on and told her that when she takes it off it reminds him of fucking a dude and he can’t stomach that shit, or maybe he just would always talk about how hot her friends tits were.

The new tits she would rather die than not have are like a new lease on life. She’s like a whole new girl, and in these pictures she looks like a lame party slut, one who will let her friends and strangers see how awesome the new tits are, even if fake tits are never awesome, but she’ll never realize it because getting fake tits in the first place means you think fake tits are hotter than your little awkward uneven tits everyone used to laugh at…..

The point of this post is that new tits and hot body don’t take away from the fact that she needs a new face, it may take a little focus off her ugly, but she’s still ugly. I can’t get this sour milk taste out of my mouth so that’s where this post ends. Goodbyes are never easy….maybe we should just leave it at See You Later….it’s easier that way….

Here are some pictures of Kimmy Stewart lookin’ better than usual at some premiere in the UK two days ago. I feel like Kimmy Stewart’s the kind of girl that guys are always two days late for because she’s not that hot and when they hear that she’s two days late they plot some kind of scheme to punch her in the stomach while she’s sleeping, the “I was having a nightmare” induced miscarriage.

The thing that always surprised me about her is that she’s probably slated to inherit a truckload of money when her dad dies. I know he’s got his own army of blonde kids running around the globe, with his own army of blonde ex wives he needs to payout and I am sure Kimmy’s not the favorite one, but she’s more set than you’ll ever be, and that’s enough reason for me to fall in love, because looks aren’t everything.

I was in a bar last night, in a group of people trying to get my drink and some asshole farted, literally. Everyone around me were looking to see where the fucking smell was coming from, and as soon as they saw me, they were gave me the look like I’m fucking disgusting, because I was the fattest and rattiest dude and although I usually smell, I actually showered yesterday and it wasn’t me, I am convinced it was this tight bodied blonde chick in a short dress but since she was hot everyone assumed it wasn’t her even though logically, her asshole was pretty much hanging out of her dress and there was less travel time for the fart to get out there…I fucking hate talking about fart and making fart jokes but it’s a story and it proves my point…I just wanted to clarify that I hate fart jokes….and was just telling a story to prove a point….

And the point of the story is that I felt like Kimberly Stewart at a family dinner, so I guess what it comes down to is that looks do matter. Sorry Kimberly but at least we’re in it together now buy me things. Cuddles.

So I was walking down the street and heard a group of assholes singing Soula Boy’s Crank Dat tune. I was a little confused but realized that every asshole and his fucking mother, aunt, cousin and child were hooked on this shit. I knew the youtube instructional videos already had 7,000,000 views or some shit and every asshole is gettin down to this shit, I guess what it all comes down to is that all these people like their radio.

Now I don’t mean to be a social chainsaw and I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings but some bitch was acting gangster with me, so gangster that I asked her if her Clit was a fuckin’ Glock or if she uses her Glock as a tampon, cuz we all know metal and plastic are not all that absorbent so she had to rely on the red pants for back-up. So I gave her the pet name “Period Pants” because when a bitch has her period but is too poor to get a tampon she’s got to compromise. Maybe I shoulda called her smart shopper because with those red pants on, no one would ever know.

Anyway, I decide to film them and some bitch who I like to call teeth because all I saw was teeth got mad and me for filming her, she told me that she was already famous and asked if I was paparazzi. I told her that if she was worth my time and wasn’t so busted, that I could be anything she wanted, but until she transformed into a hot chick, we had nothing to discuss.

Her friend, a dude with a mustache wasn’t too impressed so he called me a cunt. Now I am okay with being called a cunt, because I know that I am an asshole, and 5 minutes earlier I had just walked into a glass door trying to find out Jared Leto’s room number at the W Hotel, because I figured I could get some decent footage of him banging underage girls and I could use that shit to make myself famous while getting arrested, but some cocksucker from a legacy of hotel managers ruined that dream by telling me that he’s had a dream to run a hotel since he’s been a kid and hotel management is his life fucking work and that he’s been studying it since he was 5 but was only a night receptionist and he wouldn’t give me the room number because that’s against the rule of hotel management

Either way, dude called me a cunt, I got mad, told him that mustache boys feel good on my balls like Soulja Boy feels good on his ears and that he should suck my dick, not cuz I was coming on to him but because tough guys aren’t into suckin dick and calling tough guys bitches or emasculating them in any way is the one way ticket to their tough guy hearts. So the next time he sees me I am going to get shot, but I don’t give a fuck because I am willing to get shot for content. That’s how much I like you. Cuddles.

Oh and I just made you famous, bitches.

Ps – Period Pants, We Get It You, Watched His Music Video and Learned His Complex Dance. You are a dancing queen now go fuck yourself because you are just one of 7.5 Million motherfucker.

So the picture you see above is from a girl who claims to read my site. She says she comes everyday and she wanted me to post this for her. I feel like I’ve finally made it…Like I am living the dude with a sleazy blog’s dream. A drunken party slut who looks like so many of the girls I’ve watched in CollegeFuckFest videos is into what I do….Next step making her choke on my dick, and by choke I mean from laughing at how small it is. Unfortunately for her the penis enlargement pills I’ve been taking had the reverse effect on me and now I’ve got a vagina or a penis that looks like a vagina. But I’m sure that won’t stop her cuz college girls are just crazy and into all kinds of experimental shit.

I am waiting for her to send in a pair of used panties before deciding on whether I should make a stepTV episode on my trip to her hometown to ask her dad what he thinks of these pics of his baby….Cuddles.

Here are my links,

I saw these picture of Danielle Lloyd the other day and wasn’t too impressed, because the ass flash picture wasn’t released. I don’t remember who she is, probably from Big Brother UK but I do know that she’s one of those chicks who constantly exposes herself and when I see her name in the boards I rip my pictures off of, usually means a guaranteed post…

Reality is that I like slutty lookin girls who dress in revealing clothes. I like girls who show off their bodies and don’t wear panties. I like being with girls who like to flash their bodies and their body parts discreetly even though they usually suck in bed, but watching other guys get hard over them is a total power trip. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened since I got one of my chicks to not wear panties one night and discreetly expose the shit, but that was a long fucking time ago….

I also like girls who like sex. So I spent the last hour sitting on a park bench outside a maternity store. I do this sometimes because I like to let the girls know that I know what they’ve been up to by giving them dirty looks or creepy smirks. In my head I think to myself how that bitch let a dude bust nut inside her and smile and I know she knows I know she let some dude bust in her and that in a few months so will the rest of the world….it’s kinda like she’s released a sex tape or has starred in a porn flick that I’ve never seen, but I still know she was in it.

Here are those Danielle Lloyd pics.

The funny thing about these young celebrities is that being the hot underage chick who will eventually become a drunken disaster of a slut is like a role written by Hollywood, but as time moves on, a new actress takes on the role, so every year that’s a switch of characters and I sit here feeling like I am watching the same story unfold and it is like visiting the same strip club every month to see the same stripper do the same routine to the same fucking song. It is pretty much the equivalent of being locked in a room watching Seinfeld reruns over and over again only the rerun is always the same episode, but Seinfeld is played by some other Jew.

Sometimes you want to believe that this one is different, you want to think that she’ll break through and make it like a normal person just to switch things up a bit and keep us guessing. Sometimes you want to think that the cliche is just a cliche and that not everyone falls into the parameters society has set for them but what it all comes down to is that people are all the same and when faced with the same opportunity and struggles and their egos are fed the same way and the money comes in at the same speed and the interest from men comes in at the same time, they react in the same way.

I guess what I am trying to say is that new blood can be exciting and is welcomed, and it means a future of many new vagina lip slips, new nipple slips, DUIs, sex scandals and sex tapes and I guess I should be more welcoming to that, because the only thing better than pussy is new pussy and because otherwise I’d have nothing write about…But sometimes I like to think someone out there will surprise me. I still haven’t grasped that people are all the same and they always let me down, even when I don’t know them and they are just pictures on my computer, I still like to hope they are different because there’s no fun in knowing exactly how their public life will pan out, so I guess for this Jamie Lynn bitch, it’s just a matter of time, so until she turns 18, I’ll play the waiting game even though she’s not even that hot, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I have no standards….

I don’t watch Heroes, because I am not into the whole hero bullshit. I don’t believe in them. I am more into self absorbed pricks who don’t give a fuck about anyone, even themselves and drink themselves into an early grave while trying to bring everyone around them down with them. So I didn’t know who Kristen Bell was, but she was spotted in a bikini, so now I do and feel like a much better person for it, and by better I mean like a virgin. Because every time I post bikini pics, I always feel like a fag who can’t get pussy and who sits at home obsessing over bitches like the other people with these kinds of sites and reality is that I honestly don’t give a fuck about them or about them in bikinis. There is perfectly good pussy right outside my door for me to invite over to try on bikinis, but I do it for you, because I know you’re struggling so I guess in a lot of ways, that makes me a hero…unlike the buzz-killing asshole who’s covering her up with his gayer than Ellen pink blanket….

Here are them there pics.

Someone emailed me the weirdest email from South Africa telling me how much my links suck because there are so many of them. I realize that people in South Africa are at the cutting edge of pretty much nothing but I do post a lot of links, but I figure what the fucks the difference you just have to scroll over the shit you don’t like to click the shit you do like. I guess I’ll try to scale shit down a little more in future, not to keep assholes happy but because it means less work for me. I am hoping my server issues are sorted out so that tomorrow I am back in full force. In the meantime I am going to get the fuck out my house because my wife’s makin’ me feel sick to my stomach.

I am going to go out to a club, but a bottle of champagne and buy all the pussy in the place to make me feel better about that, only instead of champagne I’ll be buying a 2 for 1 beer special and instead of buying all the pussy, I’ll probably make friends with an old Irish drunk dude with a limp….My life is awesome.

Here are my links:

When I go out partying I have pretty high standards for chicks. I don’t like to look at ugly people, because I am forced to look at my ugly wife all day, and everyday ugly people just don’t exist to me, other than my wife, but I only notice her because of her sleep apnea and the sounds she makes while eating. Anyway, when I go to the bars I tend to go to, hot is few and far between. Sometimes I catch myself looking at my fat man tits wondering how good they’d look in a push-up bra, but I still go out hoping to see hot ass.

The same goes for Hotties contests. When I look to a Hotties contest, I want to see Hotties, and maybe hotties are hard to come across these days, I still want to see them. I am not sure how Gillian made the cut, but I can assume that she’s got a team of monkeys voting for her 24/7 because that’s what they do in Bakersfield California. The only other explanation is that she did work for Disneyland in Hong Kong and we all know that Disney makes dreams come true, because he was a pedophile and that line worked on all the kids he seduced with his cartoons, but either something magical went down.

Don’t get me wrong, Gillian is ok looking, but she’s not Hometown Hottie material and I have no idea how she made it into the top 10. First off she’s 5 ft 2, not 5 ft 2 and 95 lbs can be cute to look at because lots of guys do like smaller chicks to have as girlfriends, but I don’t think anyone who looks like a little 12 year old elf could be called hot or categorized as a hottie even with that magic push up bra, but I’d still let her change my diaper when playing infantilism sex games….I think she should be disqualified and that’s enough for the review because Maxim is going to sue me if I keep this up much longer because I already know who I want to win.

Only 2 more Hometown Hotties to go….

I was at a bar the other day and I saw 2 chicks making out with each other. They were like half-breed lesbians who didn’t think it was funny when I moved in and asked for a 3-way kiss. They were too busy being into each other and it was pretty much a waste of a hot chick. She looked really hot in her tight skirt and cleavage exposing shirt and the way she moved made her look like a dirty little fuck. She on this sexually liberated experimental kick that girls go through, but she wasn’t in the mood for any cock. Not that I had any cock to offer but they were blowing off dudes from every angle. I don’t think they were pulling the whole frat boy chick making out thing to get guys to look at them but I do think they were legitimately into each other and not doing it for attention, but because they were drunk and horny and were going to go home to fuck the shit out of each other in the scissor stance. I didn’t find it hot to watch and refused to watch the spectacle because I can’t deal with hot lesbians who turn down cock. I can deal with lesbians who look like dudes and wear leather because they are just man hating rape victims and shit, but hot lesbians who I want to fuck but who don’t want anything to do with me or any other penis for that matter but hot chicks who who are into other hot chicks and refuse dick just piss me the fuck off.

Either way, Kardashian may not be into girls and she may be into black dude cock, because black guys are good at working the huge fucking asses but she’s rockin’ a pair of mom jeans, that make her ass look even bigger than usual and that remind me more of the man hating lesbians who work construction and drink been than the hot little sluts who don’t like dudes who I saw the other day. Both are equally annoying.