Teri Hatcher takes halloween to heart and shows up at some kids charity to scare the fuck out of everyone in the fucking place. I don’t think that was her plan but halloween is the time to celebrate death and she’s been doing a lot of celebrating for the last 10 years because bitch looks like fucking death and has for a long time.

I was at some fish market, not because I eat fish but because I like the smell and just can’t get enough of it. The Old Greeks guys who run the place were talking about Desperate Housewives and how much they love it and how they want to bend Eva Longoria and teach her the greek olive oil way. I realized that they would be better bloggers than me and had to leave even though it smelled like heaven and by heaven I mean like some washed up old hooker who had three days of cum still up inside her.

Either way, I like how she smeared her last period before she menopause that she kept in the fridge on her lips as some kind of ceremonial celebration sacrifice.

Finally, some pictures of Lauren Conrad that I can jerk off to because I find booze the hottest thing out there and it’s safe to say that I am in love with alcohol, it’s been the most reliable friend in my life and has never real done me wrong, other than all the stupid shit I’ve done while drunk, like driving, or having unprotected sex with sluts, but for the most part we’ve had a lot of good times. So seeing Lauren Conrad buying all this booze for her party makes me want to be on a shitty reality TV show so that I can afford my very own trip to the alcohol store like this. This is the shit that makes me want to win the lottery or rob some old bitch, because I never really cared about the nice cars or houses money buys, I just care about trips to the liquor store.

I can only assume that Lauren Conrad’s putting all this effort into stocking up her bar in hopes that this booze will make some poor fucker drunk enough to fuck her or at least think she’s worth a fuck.

I was at some Halloween jam last night. I don’t really remember much about it because that’s what happens when I drink. I think it has something to do with the older I get the stupider I get or some shit, but that’s probably a good thing. I was actually pretty disappointed in the costumes, there weren’t as many vagina slips on my face as I expected, but I did get stuck talking to some dude about junk food for half the night and couldn’t escape. He was going on and on about how he distributes junk food and he was a nice guy. I had to tell him that I had to go look for pussy and as much as I look like a fat guy who loves junk food, I am really a fat guy who likes creeping hot sluts in costumes out.

It’s nice to see that the creative process that Paris and Nicky went through in coming up with these costumes was a matter of walking into a sex shop and choosing whichever costume spoke to them. I am a lot more into whores who can at least come up with something inspired with the whore clothes they have lying around and it’s safe to say that Paris would have been a lot more ironic if she went out as a herpes scab, but I guess she realizes that I am the only person who finds herps scabs hot.

Paris as a Sexy Sail-Whore

Paris as a Naughty Alice in Wonderland

So it looks like the Germans are like Paypal and don’t like me very much.

it seems like the ISP AliceDSL (www.alice-dsl.de) blocked access to www.drunkenstepfather.com

Since a week a two, I am not able to access one of my favorite websites and it’s only your website. I can perfectly access it through anonymizers such as Tor or by using other ISPs but this certain ISP blocks access to Drunkenstepfather.com.

Maybe you want to investigate further or make it public somehow…

I thought German’s were into shitting on each other and beating each other up. I didn’t realize that they were still Nazis, only instead of hating the non-aryans and fags, they hate me. Here are some pictures of Lohan leaving some dance studio prepping for some tango movie, because she probably hates me too, even though I plan on knocking her off the wagon with my dick. It may be small, limp and useless but that just means it’ll take more effort.

I don’t what it was with drinking that made me fascinated with the dude who plays Borat and how he was Super Greg number 1, but I blame tequila and like everything I do when drunk, think of it as the Drunk dialing of blogging. I’ve got no regrets because retracting statements like I was Kramer hating black people is a waste of fucking time. So here are my links.

I was just drunk at a party and the dude I was with asked me if I ever saw super Greg. I remember this shit from the late 90s so I told him I remembered Super Greg and he told me shit was Ali G/Borat/The Gay Dude before he was Ali G/Borat/The Gay Guy and I was blown away because it is him and I had no idea. So point of all this is that Sasha Baron Cohen owned the internet before you knew what the internet was. Punk.

I caught my wife cleaning the toilet with my toothbrush the other day, she’s creative like that and probably saw it on some soap opera or shit she watches on tv all day. I was actually really happy to see her cleaning for the first time in the last 5 years together. But then I realized that Paypal has all my money and I can’t buy a new one. I am not sure what I did to piss her off, it may have been coming home with a pair of panties from a girl I convinced to take off her panties in the club and bragging to my wife about how amazing of an experience it was by making her smell them to see that they weren’t clean, but none of that matters. What does matter is that my mouth tastes like I’ve been eating shit and yes, I know what shit tastes like, it’s a long story that I don’t want to relive.

Speakin’ of shit here are some pictures of Shauna Sand at some event dressed as classy as this whore can get with a Chanel bracelet on. She’s the kind of girl you could probably convince to let you shit on them because it would be taking your sex life to the next level, when in reality you just hate her for being such a whore and shitting on her is the only way to make yourself feel better about things.

Either way, the good news is that washed up ex-Playmates may be the only people dressed like this on the daily, but it’s Halloween, so get ready for everyday girls to be doin’ the Shauna Sand, even though they’ve probably never heard of her. All the madness starts in a few hours.

I hate Chris Crocker and his instant fame from his shitty video that I stupidly posted playing into the whole give this guy some recognition for being a loser. I hate the fact that I hear his shit being referenced on the radio or on TV or every time I leave my fucking house, because he’s a fucking hack, he’s full of shit and what he does is trash. . He’s just some insecure gay guy who is going to the fucking extreme with his homosexuality hoping to get as much attention as he can because no one in his high school liked him, except for some fat chicks, and it worked because everyone bought into it. Now he’s in LA living some kind of new life that is more outrageous than his small town roots. Thanks to YouTube this guy is probably making money, signing TV deals, but it won’t take away the fact that some people don’t deserve fame, even if it is for 5 minutes….

Here he is recreating a Britney Upskirt. Watch the fuck out. It’s offensive as shit.

Carmen Electra still has fake tits and I may hate fake tits, but she looks good enough for me, probably better than any girl you’d bump into on the street and awkwardly follow for 16 blocks in hopes that they strike up conversation with you so that you can take her home and cum in her face.

I was talking to a dude earlier this week who was having problems with the girl he was slamming. She was scared of sucking dick, but never told him that she wasn’t into it, she would just do everything in her power to avoid sucking it. I’ve never known any girl who hasn’t sucked dick, because there’s no way she’d get past the initial interview for the job if I did, but I have heard that it’s pretty fucking common and that sucks but not literally. The closest I’ve had to a girl who hates sucking dick is a girl who goes down on you for a minute then lets you fuck her and feels like she’s done her part because there was penis contact with her mouth. I guess busting nut is the goal of hanging out and the fact that she’s giving up her vagina is a good enough reason to keep her around, but the best way around it if you’re stuck with a girl who doesn’t want dick in her mouth is to force her to do it, and while you are forcing her explain that you’re just helping her be a better person, I am sure she’ll understand while she’s trying to push you off to get the fuck out of there to call the cops.

Either way, I am sure Carmen Electra sucks dick.

So I ran into this 19 year old girl I used to finger bang and hang out with in the park because she liked my sense of humor. She’d do dances for me in a leotard and touch her toes on command every time we hung out. I hadn’t seen her in a while but she was with some dude I could tell she was banging. When I asked if she was doing him, she denied it because I guess she didn’t want me knowing how much of a dirty little girl she is because she is convinced that one day I will leave my wife and we will get married even though my dick doesn’t work. Since I am pretty good at knowing what’s up and people are all pretty much all the same I could tell that she was lying about it and that they were actually having sex just by the way they were acting together. For some reason, girls like to think they can pull a fast one and get away with being “naughty” or keeping secrets but it’s always been so fucking obvious to me. I have always been able to tell when a girl cheats on me or when a girl’s been doing dirty things she doesn’t want me to know about. It’s like a sixth sense, without Bruce Willis or that Joel Osmond freak, so I decided to write her an IM saying “i know you’re banging that dude”, not that I care, I just like knowing the truth, like I am the X-Files and her vagina is the paranormal. Either way, she finally admitted it to me and wrote this:

hes like how i am with you, only theres sexual attraction

I just wanted to post it because it really boosted my non-existant self esteem. Speaking of self esteem here are some pictures of Kim Kardashian putting the fat ASS in KardASShian at some premiere, thinking she’s got it goin’ on, because too many people tell her how hot she is, when they should really be telling her she’s just a waste of fucking tits, only she doesn’t realize it yet. The truth may hurt but at least people know where they stand or in my case sit.

I overheard some young girl in a coffee shop talking about her sticky fingers, so I started listening a little more closely. They were both giggling and making handjob jokes because they were still in the handjob stage of life where before fucking they jerk dudes off. I decided to chime in and tell them if they want real sticky fingers they should shove their fingers in the dude they are jerking off’s ass. My tips weren’t appreciated and I think one of them called her dad to tell on me. My links aren’t appreciated either, but I do them anyway. Now Go….

The first thing I want to say is that there is no way this bitch is only 29 years old. She’s got more wrinkles around her eyes than your grandfather has on his testicles, but I guess lying about her age is good for business. I know she has been living it up in clubs and I am sure that means she’s done her fair share of blow and that shit does rape you and age you and make you look like the haggard stripper you were destined to be, but I still think she’s in her mid 30s and that doesn’t matter because she’s still tacky as fuck.

I don’t understand why she’s a sex symbol, or why she thinks she’s one. I am guessing it is because of the retarded fake tits she’s got and the slut clothes she wears and the attention all the dudes give her, making her think she’s sexier than she is. I never understood why girls cared about being “sexy” to the general population. Sexy girls are generally girls guys just want to get their dicks in and kick out the second they have the chance, where as a nice cute girl with sex appeal is a lot more fun to be around. It’s like sexy girls are cheesy as fuck and are only good for one or two things, like sucking dick or letting you fuck them, when a nice cute girl makes you happy to be around and is usually crazier in bed because she knows she’s not some sex symbol everyone wants a piece of so she works harder for you.

Either way, Jordan launched some lame hair product line, because I guess she’s trying to figure out an exit strategy when her face or tits finally fall off her, and she looks fucking tacky as fuck doing it in some 5 year old girls halloween costume that she managed to squeeze into.

I am no expert on pregnancy. There was a time when I was trying to keep an ex girlfriend around and figured the best way was to knock her up, so every chance I got to accidentally creampie her, I would. It never worked. There was another girl who wanted me to settle down and she thought that having a baby with me was the solution, without thinking about the fact that I was a deadbeat and couldn’t even take care of myself, but being the asshole that I am and excited about the fact that a chick actually wanted to carry my baby, because that’s pretty much the number one compliment you can get from a girl, I decided to spend a month trying to knock her up, before realizing how insane I was being. Lucky for me, years of hard living had killed my sperm harder than it killed my liver.

Now I don’t know if Laura Prepon is actually knocked up, but she is at Starbucks, and where I live all the maternity leave women spend hours a day in Starbucks because they have nothing else to do with themselves and need to get out, so I can only assume that she didn’t just gain weight, and her horizontal stripes aren’t working against her, because that shit’s supposed to make you look fat, I predict this is the early stages of her being knocked up because sometimes letting dudes come inside you feels like the right thing to do, until you realize you forgot to take your birth control pill and that you morally are pro-life and can’t get an abortion, even though everyone’s doing it because condoms are a thing of the past.

Let’s just hope her John Goodman Lookin’ motherfucker that she’s talking to, isn’t the baby daddy, cuz if the baby gets that metabolism, her vagina may break.

Here are Nicolette Sheridan and her fiance Michael Bolton walking out of some LA restaurant called the Ivy with a doggie bag. I always thought that doggie bags were for poor people who wanted to get their money’s worth at a restaurant, you know, if there was one slice of pizza left, they’d take that shit home because they paid for it and wouldn’t let it go to waste. But rich people are supposed to be assholes, who buy everything on the menu, take one bite out of the meal, spit it out and send it back, only to walk out pissed off at the world and to never go back and to make sure their other rich friends never go back. So despite having never having heard of her before Desperate Housewives, I have unfortunately heard Michael Bolton, and even though it gets every 45 year old woman and her mother wet, even after menopause, that shit rapes my fucking ears. But there are a lot of women in the world and it is safe to say he’s sold a lot of albums and that he could afford to send that meal back even if his fiance only took one bite because she’s trying to watch her figure, and thank god she is because she looks fucking solid for a 45 year old woman who still gets wet for Michael Bolton, even after menopause.

I love girls who love lingerie and it seems like all girls I ever met have huge collections of it, other than drug addicts with no money and who sell or soil their 2 pairs of underwear that they wash in public bathrooms to stay fresh but beyond the addiction love lingerie. Girls tend to have more panty drawers in their dresser than they have dude’s who want to fuck them in their phone and I am all for watching them try on every single piece they own. The shit makes them feel sexy and glamorous and makes me feel like the creep that I am, because I’m watching from the tree in their backyard with a set of binoculars, but I can still make out what’s going down and I am all for that, at least when they are rockin’ it for me and not for some other homeboy.

Jessica Simpson was there lookin hot….because she’s a Christian girl gone bad….and I love those.

Vanessa Hudgens was there researching what to wear next in her sleazy self-shot pictures with Zac Efron who was there pretending he likes women in lingerie when he’s more into wearing it himself cuz he’s gay.

Joanna Krupa was there…..because she actually gets paid to wear lingerie because she is hot….

Dita Von Teese was there….even though no one wants to see her in lingerie…but she is strips down into lingerie every chance she gets….

Kristen Bell was there but I still don’t know who she is….

Amanda Bynes was there showing off her legs