I went to buy my wife toilet paper – because it was one of those emergency situtions that happen all too often with her and if I didn’t there was going to be trouble, not necessarily for me, because her shit would have been everywhere and as much as I love fecal art in public places, I don’t want to have to deal with that in my bed.

I went to the drug store down the street and the two homeless kids who are always begging for change outside the place where inside shopping. I was pretty fascinated with seeing what 2 homeless kids with tattooed faces buy so I followed them around. They picked up deoderant and body oil and the bill was 15 dollars. Now I am not a financical planner, but when you’re buying body oil and deoderant for 15 dollars and you’re fuckin’ homeless, couldn’t they have though about a better place to throw that money, like on food or drugs or booze or some kind of over-the-counter product to drink like cleaning detergent. Either way, I was pretty fuckin’ disappointed.

Speaking of disappointed:

My life is full of disappointment. Now Here Are My Links……

I am going to admit that I laughed at the Jackass movies. I used to read Big Brother magazine before Larry Flynt bought them out and I’d watch skateboard videos in the 90s and this was just an extension of that scene. So when Tony Hawk Pro Skater went huge and every suburban kid in the world was rockin’ skate shoes, it was only natural for these dudes to get big too.

I never thought Steve-O was cool. I thought he was a nutcase and that made him worth watching in the beginning, but then dude just got repetitive and played out. People started immitating him and he stopped pushing the limit, he just played the dude who did lots of drugs and drink who stapled his balls to his leg, over and over and over and over.

So when I see him, years later, smoking a bowl out of a Dr Pepper can while diddling his balls on the red carpet, for some Gene Simmon’s roast, I don’t see anything funny, I see something played out, old and tired, kinda like everytime I look in the mirror. If dude took a shit on a girl’s face on the red carpet, or put a little effort into his stunt, I’d probably be less offended, because nothing annoys me more than a lack of creativity, especially when you’re a useless hood rat who made it big by pushing limits who has obviously since accepted that his balls are all he has to offer…that’s what the public wants to see and it’s easy and formulaic.

Steve-O is over and trying to shock us all by exposing his balls while smoking out of a can on the red carpet, because he’s so crazy….asshole.

I’ve started making Hayden Panettiere jokes in my everyday life and it’s not going over very well and kinda depresses me. The last time I dropped one the girl I was with made fun of me for using celebrity blog jokes. She was like “good one celebrity blogger, why don’t you go write that on your site”, trying to make fun of me, but when you have no shame and you generally don’t care what useless people say to you, their bite doesn’t hurt.

I remember what the joke was and it went like this….we were walking by a mailbox and I said to her:

Oh my god look it’s Hayden Panettiere. I had no idea she was in Montreal. You should ask for an autograph, I am going to go ask her a couple questions for the site….

Then I walked up to the mail box and introduced myself and used the letter slot as her mouth and had a 15 minute conversation with her and for the record, she’s pretty fuckin’ nice in person and I feel bad laughing at her for being strong enough plow my field when my bull breaks down……if I had a field that needed to be plowed, I am more into back alleys, but that’s just because I am emotionally attached to a time when abortions were illegal.

Here are some pictures of Hayden’s panties and beefcake body showing off her pecks, lats, quads and delts. Cuddles.

I have a feeling that pregnant chicks are easy, not because their pregnant and it’s obvious they let dudes throw it at them, but because they are always fuckin’ showing off their naked pregnant bodies. Every pregnant chick seems to think the whole being pregnant thing is a magical fucking experience because some parasite is developing inside of them like a weird science experiment that will only come out to annoy them for at least the next 18 years of their life and it is making them all hormonal. It also makes them document the growth of their belly by taking naked pictures of themselves either as a reminder to never do that shit to themselves again or because they actually think it’s a beautiful experience.

I am all for ready to drop nudity, because sometimes disgusting is hot. I am also into lactating bitches, fat girls and puking girls, so maybe pregnancy is for me. Here are some pictures of Christina Aguilera posing for some magazine naked, because every pregnant chick loves getting naked to show off how sexy pregnancy is, because they are horny, hormonal and trying to have a keepsake to remember how big they got while their husbands refuse to slam them because she’s carrying their fuckin’ child and no one wants their kid to be raised by a whore.

I am an asshole and I love when this kinda of thing happens to a person. If you’re not sure what I am talking to, refer to her fucking huge ass in these bikini pictures and try not to laugh because there was a time when Jennifer Love Hewitt was this young hot thing everyone wanted to fuck except me. I couldn’t stand her face, she reminded me of a rat and I only fuck rats if they take me out to dinner and never on the first date. That’d make me a slut. I don’t know what I am talking about but I’ll admit she had this hot tight tiny body with huge tits that kinda made her easier to stomach, but I always knew that shit was it was only a matter of time before her ass caught up with her tits. At 18 years old she was at her prime, everything was in the right place and she probably felt like she was the hottest thing in the world, now take a look at her…..she’s in desperate need of an eating disorder.

I guess that’s one of the good things about not being 18 anymore. I know that I turn out to be a homeless dirty fat motherfucker with a shitty website, but at 18 it can really go any direction for you. You may end up fat and washed up by 30, you may become goodlooking when you grow into yourself, you may become a millionaire or you could even end up dead from a drug overdose.
Isn’t the future exciting?

So Lydia Hearst is a model and an heiress to a huge media company and she’s dating Cisco Adler. That’s all you need to know about her because that’s pretty much all there is to her. I think the miracle in this whole situation is how she landed a modeling contract and by miracle I mean having a rich important family to hook her up, because sure she’s tall and skinny and I’d totally invite her to my birthday party, but in these pictures her face scares the fuck out of me.

Some girl decided to add me to AIM to ask why I am a woman hater. I tried to convince her that I love girls and they fascinate me and that I just talk about chicks because they are all crazy and make for good content, but she’s not buying it. She’s convinced that I judge women and I write mean things about them because I hate them and because she’s clearly oversensitive. I am sure I write mean things about everyone, I try not to discriminate against hating on anything. I’m politically correct like that. I know I’ve offended Jews for saying Jewish women look like men and that they are all smoke and mirrors, Black People, Natives, Non Status Natives, Gay People, Chachi Motherfuckers and their Magnum’s of Goose, DJ AM, Hispanics who I call Mexican when really they are from South America or Central America, Rich Kids, Brown People because I called someone Shit Stained the other day, go through the archives, I hate on a lot of things.

The reality of the whole woman hating conversation is that she sent me a picture of her ass and I told her I can’t tell if it’s hot or not, so as predicted she sent me another picture of her ass, and said that I still couldn’t tell with the angle, so she took a third picture of her ass and sent it to me and I said that I wanted to be homies with it, give it a high five and take it out for ice cream and she went on this rampage because I made her feel insecure.

What it comes down to is that I hate stupidity more than I hate gender and I hate myself more than I hate stupidity. On that happy note, here’s Lydia Hearst Rockin’ out for PUMA…..

Here are some pictures of Mary Kate Olsen lookin’ fuckin amazing. I am all about the beat up homeless girl look, especially when the girls got a billion dollar company behind her, because it makes the whole thing feel a lot more like Halloween than the time I brought home some ratty broken down un-showered street kid because I thought I’d get busy with her after we washed her and groomed her a little, but she just ended up going into withdrawal and attacked me with a kitchen knife before taking my last 20 dollars and calling her ratty street kid boyfriend to come and save her from me. Never trust a junkie.

Either way, it turns out that Mary Kate Olsen is going out with Stavros again because they were seen making out or some shit and Paris isn’t too happy about that shit. If I was a billionaire heir like Stavros, I totally wouldn’t bother fuckin’ every hot poor chick I see out in clubs that are throwing themselves at me because of my money and my fame that isn’t real fame but stems from fucking famous chicks. I’d run to another billionaire I banged in her prime because we understand each other and how cruel the world can be on rich kids like us.

Bonus: Paris Hilton Proving that You Can Find Love If You Take a Pizza Delivery Boy and Get Him a Modeling Contract Making HIm and His Chiseled Good Looks Forever Indebted To You and Your Vagina, Kinda The Same Reason I Want to Go to the Third World and Find a Hot 20 Year Old and Trick Her With False Promises of the American Dream…..On a Side Note Paris’ Boyfriend’s Name is Alex Vaggo and the Way I Read That Seems Like They Were Destined to Be Together…Because Her Vagina Is Pretty Much The Only Thing That Got Her Where She Is Today and She Got A Lot Of Use Out Of IT….Daddy’s Money Woulda Only Taken Her So Far….So She Better Strap Down Before Her Junk Falls Apart…..

I am a pretty contradictory motherfucker. I am always flip flopping my opinion on everything. I was talking to a dude today about how I was never able to hook up with chicks who had previously dated or slept with people I thought were cunts. I always had this attitude that if she allowed his dick in her, even if it was only once, then she was a girl I didn’t want to stick my dick into so I wouldn’t bother the hustle. That’s why I would always try to find girls who I didn’t know and the only thing I’d ask them about previously people she fucked is what they did to her, because knowing how dirty a girl can get is a turn on. The second we’d end up in a bar where I was forced to meet the motherfucker face to face, I couldn’t fuck her the same knowing that asshole beat me to her pussy, but I’d still fuck her.

But as an inconsistent contradictory motherfucker, when pussy was presented to me, I’d never turn it down, because that would be gay, and when pussy wasn’t presented to me and I’d be forced to pay for the shit from the rattiest sluts I could find, I still wouldn’t think about all the cock she’s seen and even when a slut would tell me she slammed her ex-boyfriend who I hated earlier that day I still wouldn’t turn it down.

So lookin’ at Sophie Monk fucks with my head. I think she’s pretty hot but I hate I hate her for not only having sex to a fucking cunt but being engaged to one. Good Charlotte suck and I can’t stand those suburban assholes trying to be rock and roll because they used their Bar Mitzvah money on tattooing their entire bodes. I really can’t stand seeing or hearing them, and all I can think about is how the twins jerk each other off because it’s not gay when you’re twins. It’s masturbating. What it comes down to is that hate fuckin’ is just as good as the other kind of fucking and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and consider the reasons why she did that shit to herself, I can only assume it’s on the same lines as having a drug addiction or maybe it’s because she’s an hot immigrant and just doesn’t know what’s up, maybe Good Charlotte are the hottest fuckin’ band out there and she thinks she’s dating Elvis. Either way, there’s gotta be a reason and despite hating her for it, but that’s only cuz she’s hot and has more money than my wife.

I was talking to a dude who has a problem that you’ll never have. His wife is a nympho and he has to make excuses to get out of the house because she always wants to fuck. At first he thought it was amazing, because there’s nothing worse than sharing a bed everynight with a chick who doesn’t fuck you, or will only do it once every week or two. So this dude thought he won the fuckin’ lottery, but then he started having dizzy spells from fucking so much and every time they were together, even in the car together she’d go at his dick and it was never fuckin’ ending. She ended up cheating on him.

Now I am just telling you this story because I know you’re down on your luck and can’t get a vagina, even when you pay for it because the whores you can afford always end up passing out as soon as they hit the bed because they haven’t slept in weeks, but I know that somewhere out there is a woman with some fuckin’ chemical imbalance who will make you have panic attacks everytime you are on your way home from work because you won’t have anything left in you.

Here are my links:

This girl played Lohan in some shitty viral video that went around and I thought she looked good enough to see naked so I reached out to her and did an interview. She hasn’t really been in touch since, even though I like to think I helped make her famous, then today emailed me this Gimme More Remake and after watching it, I realize it’s Chauntal again – remaking the most played out song of the year aside from Soulja Boy.

Now I don’t know how much time goes into remaking a Britney Spears video, but it must be nice to be so bored or to have nothing else going on that you can spend a day doing this shit. That is time that could have been better spent making a shower video, or a masturbation video, or if that’s too slutty for her, then a yoga video, or a dancing around your apartment video that would have taken a lot less work and been a lot more interesting to watch. In reality, this is a Britney Spears video remake, that’s time that could be better spent taking a day long shit.

Either way,when fans react to their fallen leader by throwing on some lingerie and thinking shit’s no pornographic, but satire, I link it, because I encourage any excuse a girl uses to justify putting on lingerie to make them feel like they aren’t a slut but an artist. Like that time I told a girl at the lingerie store that I needed to see how the panties fit because I needed to get them for my wife for Valentines Day and she was about the same size, even though she was about 1/3 of the size of my wife. But I gave a whole sob story about how I lost my job and had 40 dollars to my name and was spending it on my wife because she’s been such a support system to me and all that bullshit, and the sales girl did it. Within 10 minutes we had our own Victoria’s Secret Fashion show and I ended up not buying anything she wasn’t impressed that I left empty handed….I ended up fucking her. Then I realized i was reading my Penthouse Forum magazine I got for free because they reviewed my site (badly).

I’ve been getting a lot of slack for not being a site that is accessible to girls. They get turned off because of my sleazy commentary offends them and they never come back, even though every post I write is for hot chicks, because if I wasn’t trying to get hot girls to love me over the internet, I’d just be a fag trying to impress a bunch of dudes and that’s not really my thing, but I know it’s your thing, but that’s because you gotta fine love somewhere and gay dudes are pretty horny.

So I got an email asking for Nell and my stepdaughter to come back because they added a much needed feminine voice to the site. I don’t know where either of those girls are, they kinda fucked off on me and haven’t answered my emails in the last couple months, so I figured I’d just write a post as a girl in hopes of getting hot girls back in because I want them to want my dick over the internet and come back for more everyday because I write about celebrities….and girls love celebrities and I love girls, so we’re pretty much destined to have you take a shower for me on webcam, internet soulmate.

Here is my post written as a girl:

blah blah blah blah “adjusts hair”, blah blah blah “applies make up”, blah blah blah “shows off new nails” , blah blah blah “makes a gesture representing how big the boyfriend’s cock is”, blah blah blah “giggles”, blah blah blah “giggles some more”, blah blah blah “adjusts bra”, blah blah blah “hugs girl i’m sitting with”, blah blah blah “stands up”, blah blah blah “pulls underwear out of ass and adjusts pants”, blah blah blah “walks out of coffee shop”

I am sure this post would have been a little more believable if I actually listened to girls when they talk, but I’m too masturbating my limp penis in front of them while staring at their tits and drooling through the restaurant window. I hear hot girls are into that because they like to be noticed….

Either way, here are Adriana Lima and Marisa Miller in the Fitting Room for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show that’s been hustled the last month like it was the coming of Christ, which to some virgins and married middle aged men out there, it probably is, because these bitches are some of the hottest models around and them in lingerie is better than them in clothes but not quite as good as them taking showers for me on webcam. I’m talking to you internet soulmate.

Marisa Miller

Adriana Lima:

Every girl seems to want to be a model. I always meet girls who are aspiring models. It seems like it’s the thing to do or at least the dream job for a chick because it assures them that they are good looking. Every fucking day I come across a girl’s posed pictures on the internet and I know she’s just wishing she’ll be walking the runway and traveling the world while fucking dudes in bands or actors, living in Penthouse apartments and making huge money for having pictures taken of them.

I know that out of all the girls I meet who are aspiring models, pretty much none of them are really going to make it, because to be scouted by the right dude and thrown into the right jobs is almost like winning the lottery, but I always encourage them to come over to take some erotic pictures in my shitty apartment when my wife’s grocery shopping because I know that means I have about 6 hours of freedom because my wife loves food, but that’s just because I prey on girls who want to be famous.

Either way, the ongoing joke I have with these young girls is to start off small, like doing the Wal Mart flyer or the Sears catalog, because shit pays well and is better than working at the grocery store scanning my wife’s canned goods….But for some reason these aspiring models have egos and think they are too hot for that shit before even getting started, they don’t realize they need to eat the shit a bit to get to the top and that they aren’t above or too pretty for anything at this point in their career and that’s why I figure that you’ve gotta start somewhere and it might as well be in my bathtub.

So here’s Cindy Crawford in 1989, in a Bloomingdales Catalog modeling lingerie before she became a supermodel, because everyone’s gotta start somewhere. Who knows where her life would be now if she didn’t make that move, so aspiring models….my bathtub is ready and waiting but you may not want to touch it too much, you may catch something.

Here are some pictures of Paris, Nicole and Paris’ sister no one cares about out for lunch together like this was 4 years ago. There was a time when these girls felt like they were on top of the world. They had their TV show and everyone was making a big deal about them. Now one of them is pregnant and the other is serial slut who no one will ever love because they just turn to her for bad sex and money and no one really gives a fuck about them, they’re washed up has beens, but the problem is that they haven’t been replaced and I’m excited for when they are because I need some new blood because it’s come to a point where thinking about either of them sexually is like thinking of your grandmother taking it up the ass, which is a good time, but still smells like shit….and not just any shit…old person shit.

It’s funny what a couple of years does to a person, it’s like riding high one day and in the gutter the next, that’s why I like to stay in the gutter because I don’t think I could handle that kind of disappointment. I guess what it comes down to is that everything always comes around full-circle and nothing in life is permanent, except maybe for AIDS.

I know whenever I see girls from my past I try to get them to show me their vaginas because it’s unnatural for a girl I’ve seen naked to be in my presence and not willing to get naked. If they don’t feel comfortable doing it, then I just keep on walkin’ like they are dead to me. The last time it happened, I ran into a girl i banged years ago on the street with her husband and kids and I said hi, moved in and said, so you gonna show me your pussy or what, I wanna see how it’s aged and she grabbed her kid and stormed off.

Either way, there was a time when these girls loved each other, then hated each other and now they are having lunch together while Stavros is out fuckin Mary Kate Olsen. I guess the rich kid drama will always go on and I feel like I’m watching a Cheers reunion special and Nicole Richie’s playing Norm. I wonder if Cheers jokes work, but I haven’t watched TV since their last episode, so it’s the only reunion special joke I’m packin’ and you’ve probably never seen an episode. I guess I really fucked this one up. It happens pretty much every post.

The reason I like Lohan is that she’s damaged goods and has a massive amount of emotional baggage, and with emotional baggage comes a girl who really knows her self worth and that usually makes them willing to get with me and get down and dirty because it’s not as bad as that time she was raped or gang banged or molested by her uncle.

Girls with a clean slate are usually 15 years old or boring and don’t appreciate you because you’re more fucked up than they are, so they are always on your ass about how you don’t treat them like they deserve to be treated because they saw it in some Romantic Comdey and think that’s real life. They bust your balls for being crazy because you like to have a good time, while damaged girls are just looking for love, and always have fun, even when they are punching themselves in their own faces while crying because they don’t think you love them. An out of control girl with a drug or alcohol problem are into self destruction and having dirty fucking porn sex while wasted as fuck and are inconsistant as fuck, keepin us on our toes.

That said, here are some pictures of Lohan in a Jewish Outfit of the Day with some baggage because I am an internet poet, even though poetry is for fags, and I’m all like her bags represent her emotional baggage and shit, because that’s just how smart I am. I decided to start an Old School Hip Hop group called Thunder, Lighting and Reign. I’m Reign, motherfuckers….and we’re going to STORM on you. It’s a monsoon in this bitch. Cuddles.

I don’t watch Heroes, so I don’t understand all the hype, but I met a weird dude in the park who’s watched the whole season 10 times because shit changed his life. He was trying to convince me that my life was lacking in a big way because I wasn’t up on this shit and I had to clarify that my life is lacking in a big way for a lot more reasons than not watching some stupid TV show that people like him are obsessed with.

Either way, Kristen Bell is on the show and here she is walking in some kind of fitness pants that are kinda huggin her box, and despite not letting us know what she’s actually got inside the box, it’s good enough for me because every time I leave my house now, girls are rocking spandex or leggings, and I guess they don’t realize that leggings are one step away from naked and I can pretty much make out everything when they bend over to pick up my “packages” I deliberately knock off their table to get a better look of their junk from behind…or even when I stare at their mounds when they are just innocently sitting there …I know Kristen Bell isn’t rockin’ a pair of leggings, but that’s what this shit reminded me of and since I’m writing this shit, I guess I’m like Bobby Brown and more recently Britney Spears and it’s my prerogative.

I was at my local Starbucks the other day because it’s a cheap escape since the dude there hooks me up with free coffee and that’s a price I can afford. There was a young girl in her leggings with some dude and they were all in teenage love and shit. They kept kissing like no one else in the world mattered, meaning they didn’t notice me creeping on them the whole fucking time. Shit got pretty fucking intense after it went on for 45 minutes of them just making out and I couldn’t grasp the concept. I think the longest I’ve ever kissed a girl was for under 3 minutes and that whole time I was just trying to figure out how I was going to get my dick in her mouth or my fingers in her cooch. I ended up moving to the seat next to them and whispering in the dude’s ear “go for her cooter” cuz I figured he needed some pointers and his faggy intense kissing was getting to me. They ended up stopping, dropping and rolling….which was a good thing because if he wasn’t going to make I move, I was and I don’t need that kind of bad press….actually I do, my site sucks. At least I know for next time.