I like Tara Reid because I feel like we have a lot in common. The only difference is that she’s got a budget to afford some dude to carry around her boots and purse after she gets a drunken pedicure, when I have to convince old ladies to let me carry their purses, so that I can run off with them and hope there’s enough cash to get me my next drink.

Reality is, nothing says I have a pussy or I have no self respect than getting paid to carry a girl’s fucking purse. I know you all probably kiss the ground that any girl who talks to you walks on, but that’s just because you’re a desperate loser and are scared of being alone. See, I’ve got no shame, but I still wouldn’t lower myself to doing that shit for anyone. I get mad enough at my wife when she asks me to take out the garbage or carry her grocery bags . I don’t feel like I have a vagina, even though every girl I ever got with felt like I had a vagina, so feel like I shouldn’t feel like a bitch.