These are obviously some old pictures of Alena Seredova because she had a kid less than a month ago and no one, no matter how fast her C-Section Tummy Tuck combo heals bounces back this fast, especially when you’re eastern European and your medical facilities involve a Windmill, 3 drunken Military Men, a Nuclear Reactor, a black and white TV and a circus bear that balances on a basketball while eating sausage and drinking cheap rationed communist beer.

I don’t know what I am talking about, but I do know that I like looking up this bitch’s Eastern European, knocked up by an Italian Football player’s, log legged skirt, because I am international like that, but not as international as the pervert with the camera phone because I never leave my couch. Cuddles.

I have a thing for Sophie Monk because I find her pretty fucking hot and because she’s got pretty horrible taste in dudes meaning that if only I was a rich, tattooed cunt in a band who girls find hot, I’d be climbing up those thighs and dropping loads in her Koala pouch because she is Australia and I’m no Steve Irwin because apparently Kangaroos have pouches and Koalas don’t. I never said this was the nature channel, except when I posted the Kardashian sex tape, but that’s just mild racism for a couple laughs and not actual fact.

Either way, the word on the internet is that she is recently single and based on her going out and jogging, I can only assume that is true, because everyone knows that a bitch lookin’ for cock goes out jogging in spandex to be seen, while a chick who’s committed to cock and planning on marrying that cock, just works out at home on the treadmill, before actually marrying him then giving up the whole working out thing, gaining 60 pounds making him regret what he signed up for and forcing him to cheat on her with her younger tighter sister and pretty much any vagina that comes his way until she finds out she just keeps on emotionally eating the pain away before mustering up the courage to divorce him for being doing what he did, even though she knows it’s his fault, then taking up working out again to get back into her original hot body shape to find more cock because that’s the best revenge. Look what you’re missing now Good Charlotte Twin….

These are pictures of Paris Hilton hanging out with Christine Lakin dressed in character from Paris Hilton’s new movie she produced called “The Hottie and the Nottie” and I can only assume that since it is a Paris Hilton production, Paris is the Hottie and this Lakin chick is the Nottie and this is her in costume.

Now I’ve heard of chicks taking on a job and that makes them do humiliating shit that isn’t in the job description, like jerking off the manager in the back room after hours, or dressing in pretty revealing clothes, or paying picking up the bosses dry cleaning but going out in costume lookin like a wreck is on a whole other level of shit.

I can only assume that Paris isn’t paying this chick for making a fool of herself to help promote the movie, I have a feeling that Paris just told her that if she wants to hang out with her and if she ever wants to work in the industry again she has to dress in character or else she can just stay at home and kiss her career goodbye and a star struck Lakin who was casted by Paris and thinks she owes her, took one for the team and this is the humilating result.

I guess none of that matters, because a fake ugly Lakin, she still looks better than anything I’ve ever fucked and I know that all I have to do is let down her greasy hair and scrape off those skin lesions and she’d be good to go, not that I’d put that much effort into her, I’m more of a lift up that skirt and bend you over the hood kind of guy.

So maybe saying that Britney isn’t crazy and just a typical hormonal girl on her period having a hard time because the court took her kids and is playing it up for the media for the last year because it’s more entertaining than sitting on her couch watching movies and laying by the pool bored, was a little pre-mature because it turns out that Britney Spears has been committed by her manager and parents at the request of her psychiatrist who claims she hasn’t slept since Saturday, which I don’t think is a big deal, provided she was on crystal meth and listening to dance music, because that shit is called a rave. They shouldn’t have committed Britney, they should have just given her a pacifiers, some glow sticks and Vicks Vaporub. I guess that’s why she was spending so much time at the dance studio.

Either way, there’s no reports that she tried to kill herself, there’s no reports of how long she’s in the tank for, the only thing I know is that I need more friends like Britney because the crazy people i know just scream insanities at me about how the communists are coming to get us and how they are building a lead suit to protect themselves from the radiation as they wrap aluminum foil around their heads and that kind of paranoid crazy is pretty fucking boring because it’s not as upbeat as a a bipolar person in a manic phase that feels like one big party until they crash and that’s when you find someone else to hang out with because no one wants to hangout with a downer who sleeps all day and wants to die. It’s one of those “call me when you’re manic again” situations….

I used to always get surprised when I’d see the skater-punks like Avril in my neighborhood bending over to pick up their skateboards and seeing that they were rockin’ a thong under their baggy jeans and Punk Band T-shirt. I always expected them to be the kind of girls who wear men’s underwear or at least boy shorts that look like men’s underwear, because it just made sense, since they were pretending to be dudes. But the reality is that they weren’t pretending to be dudes, they were pretending to be skater-punks and l’d never get surprised seeing those same girls a year later rockin’ UGGS, American Apparel leggings and over-sized vintage dresses like they were Lindsay Lohan, because every girl influenced by the media’s gotta grow out of the poser-punk Avril Lavigne, Tony Hawk Pro Skater, candy-coated bullshit who sits around all day learning tricks and chasing boys and who drinks 40s with her friends while smoking weed in the park blowjob phase and turn into a cocaine dabbling, club going, vodka cranberry loving, dancing on the bar before sucking off a chachi in the bathroom then going back to a hotel party for an orgy phase. It’s just the normal course of becoming a woman.

Either way, I was expecting Avril to be rockin’ a pair of board shorts and not a pair of tight boy shorts, but I guess girls becoming a woman now that she’s married and shit and feels ok showing off the ass she never had growing up but has now that she’s older. I can only hope the next time these kinds of pictures hit she’ll be wearing something a little more lady-like, like her punk rock vagina, because from what I’ve been told, there’s nothing more lady-like than pussy.

The rumor is she’s pregnant, but doesn’t look like she’s pregnant in these pictures, but I’m not a doctor, I just pretend to be when it comes in handy, like that time the old lady fainted at the mall and I got to give her mouth to mouth. She may have tasted like Werthers and Cod Liver Oil but I still got a boner and that never happens. Or the time I convinced this chick at the coffee shop that her cough was serious and that I had to give her a full physical in the bathroom to get to the root of the problem and instead of using surgical gloves I used my tongue, and when we were done I prescribed her Tylenol on a Starbucks napkin….fine that never happened but I still say that Avril isn’t knocked up.

So the star of Grey’s Anatomy is showing her own anatomy while jogging somewhere in a see through shirt and I just made a lame fucking joke and feel like I was your real dad and this was some kind of dinner party with all your friends and I totally embarrassed you, but not as bad as the time you caught me in the bathroom at your Sweet 16 Slumber party trying to convince your hot friend that my tongue was the roll of toilet paper minutes before getting her pregnant and having to explain to her parents that I couldn’t afford to pay for half of her abortion, but if they covered it up front, I could pay them back in installments. That was a mess we don’t want to relive, kinda like this post because it sucks.

Speaking of sucking, Ellen Pompeo has some pretty shitty tits and it’s not because they are small it’s because they look like they are placed where a normal person’s belly button would be, which I guess isn’t that back because they aren’t hangin lower than my self esteem after writing this piece of shit and I blame you. Asshole.

I am still sick in bed and my wife hasn’t been making me soup or taking care of me, I have been forced to venture out into the cold on my own while she sits on the couch and makes a mess. The cold is painful but I guess not as painful as having to sit on the couch with her. The only help she’s been during this horrible time where I feel closest to death is act like a fucking furnace while I sleep to help break my fever, but then again she does that shit everyday and I feel like the bacteria on she sweats out all over me is the reason I am sick in the first place, or maybe it’s some supervirus I picked up at the hospital 2 weeks ago when she though she was dying….

Either way, a concerned reader sent this in about Jennifer Garner’s Dog and I decided to post it because she needs your help:

Do you know where the picture of Jennifer and her daughter with the dog sniffing her rear was taken or what breed of dog is in the picture? It looks just like my dog (that I found on the side of the road) and was wondering what the breed was? I know this is not your cup of tea (naming dog breeds) but if you could help me out I would appreciate it.
Thanks!

My guess is “bloodhound”…get it…cuz it’s sniffing her period…fuck I am funny…here are my links, there are a lot of them because I am sick and there’s nothing better to do…

It could be the fever talking, but seeing a girl who’s last name is bell dressed like a bell made me laugh. That’s like seeing a black man who’s last name is Blackman or a chef who’s last name is Cooke, or a gay guy who’s last name is He-Takes-It-Up-The-Ass-From-Men. I guess none of that really matters. Her name is Lake Bell, she’s rockin some cleavage and I’ve never heard of her and based on my extensive research into her genetic line, she’s not related to Kristen or Catherine Bell. She is however way more committed to the name than her same-last-name counterparts who are clearly slacking by not living the Bell lifestyle by dressing like a bell because they’ve already made it in the world and people know who they are.

I don’t know if this post makes sense, or if it is a huge stretch, but I am still sick and on my way back into the hole I crawled out of, and I am not talking about my wife’s vagina, I am talking about my bed, that smells like my wife’s vagina.

Since you don’t know who Lake Bell is, here are some other Bells.

These are pictures of Kristen Bell on Hollywood Blvd 2 days ago with her boyfriend lookin like some kind of monkey.

These are pictures of Catherine Bell playing Wii like she’s not in her 40s.

I don’t know if you remember Miley Cyrus had a pregnancy rumor going around a few months ago that was never confirmed or not and I guess these pictures of her with baby are enough of a confirmation. It’s one of those “caught you red handed, Mom” situations that will be hard to talk her way out of.

The reality is that you gotta give her credit for keeping the pregnancy a secret for the entire term as to not get her teenage fans all excited and having copycat pregnancies like Jamie Lynn Spears is doing, In a lot of ways, she’s like the prom queen who gives birth in the bathroom at prom when no one even knew she was carrying, but our story has a happier ending, because Miley Cyrus didn’t leave the fucker in the toilet to get back to the party she’s decided to raise it like a responsible teenage mother here are those pics.

Here is Caridee English from America’s Next Top model fame, realizing that Tyra’s show wasn’t much of a stepping stone that leads to work after winning the 100,000 dollar contract she won because every year they throw another model with no business being a model into the mix with the same prize.

I am all for posting pictures of girls whoring themselves even when that whoring isn’t the kind of whoring I am a fan of that takes place in back alleys and seedy motels that rent by the hour and involve drug addiction and all that good stuff.

So now that Caridee’s 100,000 dollars only went so far for her so she does whatever she can to get by. One of those things is going to Verizon Blackberry launches and whoring for them, so that she can get a free phone and plan because one less bill when you’re not making money is a good thing, but another good thing is that when you are a tall thin blonde girl with a hot body, there is always better ways to whore yourself to make money when all those hopes of dreams of being a legitimate success are replaced with having to buy yourself some groceries or tampons….and I’m talking sucking dick and I’ll be there to post the pictures because I am always doing my part to help….

I don’t think Britney is any crazier than the bitch I used to date who woke me up with a knife to my throat because she thought I was cheating on her with the checkout clerk at the grocery store because I told her she was cute, or the bitch I found overdosed in the bathtub convulsing after having sex with me, or the bitch who used to fuck everything that walked behind my back and would come home to me begging me to marry her, or even my current wife who emotionally eats herself to death but really doesn’t give me all that many headaches except when she doesn’t shower.

So this whole Britney bi-polar shit is just excuses or labels on things that really don’t need labels, because the reality is that Britney is just a chick and in being a chick she’s just emotionally unstable and I blame it on her period.

Either way, she’s running around in see-through halter tops that make us all feel like we are lying in her bed and she’s dressing up all sexy for us in hopes of having a special night together that leads to making a replacement baby for her and this whole free-spirited take on life is pretty fuckin’ entertaining, because the people want to know and Britney’s giving us what we want and crazy or not, that’s a pretty nice gift. Thanks.

The thing I like about girls who dress like boys is that they have vaginas, the thing I don’t like about girls who dress like boys is that they dress like boys. I was never a fan of the skater chicks even though they were the tom boys who’d get wasted with you, wrestle with you and spit on hot chicks with you. They would never worry about getting dirty or messy but with never worrying about getting dirty comes a whole lot of smells I’d rather not get down with. But when her crusty baggy jeans she’s been wearing all week slipped off and her dirty skate shoes that make her feet smell like dude come off and her drunken mismatched sock wearing ass crawls into your bed and that ass is on a fit little body from all the running around pretending like she’s a female Steve-O while learning how to Ollie and moshing at punk concerts, makes the cross dressing ok.

Either way, the word in Canada is that Avril is pregnant according to Sum 41′s friend, which only seems normal, since everyone is fucking pregnant and let’s hope that video from the birth gets leaked on the internet, because watching babies squeeze out of celebrity vagina is my new porn.

I am dying. Here’s an email I got:

I don’t have much to say other than that celebrity gossip and porn are sedatives for me, in the way that Xanax and weed are for a lot of people. I’m a fetishist, and your site helps to mend the paranoia, at least it used to.Your senseless, pseudo-intellectual rambling just gets old. Its predictable, moot.

I suck at life and here are my links:

If you watch this video of Britney’s chaos last night that had to do with some kind of manic episode that her manager is blaming on her paparazzi boyfriend, you’ll see her redneck child-molesting lookin’ father telling the paparazzi to fuck off and that was the highlight of the video.

Reality is, who gives a fuck about Britney’s mental health issues and demise, or her sleazy immigrant boyfriend’s rise to the top, or her sister’s teenage pregnancy when you’ve got this toothless fuck who talks out of the side of his mouth like a small town tractor mechanic buying bullets at the local Wal Mart because he’s got rats in his shanty he calls home, to laugh at.

It is one of those things that proves that America is the land of dreams and anyone can become rich and famous no matter what sewage pipe their family crawled out of…All kidding aside, I am sure his daughter’s drama is putting strain on his family and has forced him to miss some KKK meetings back home, which is too bad because I heard his local chapter got themselves a gay black jewish dude last week and that’s like a trophy for they are so rare to come by.

Tara Reid doesn’t really need a reason to party, bitch will get wasted just to celebrate waking up in the morning, but for some reason she’s out celebrating Chinese New Year this past weekend with her little gay friend like she was Chinese. There’s something really arousing about seeing a girl in a stained dress leaving a party wasted that makes the animal in me want to follow her back home like I was invited to watch her sleep. Unfortunately never sleeps, she just keeps on going like some lifelong rave Energizer Bunny hopped up on substances so I guess I can only dream of making some more stains that count on her dress, none of this too drunk to hold my drink so I spill on myself bullshit, I’m talking about semen and vomit….two things that go hand it hand when it comes to me.

Here are Some Bonus Pics from the Event of some Hot Body Painted Chick and Some Sarah Jessica Parker Bitch Named Hofit Golan With Her Retarded Big Tits