Lohan isn’t my internet girlfriend anymore, I’ve moved on from her like everyone else has. I just don’t find her worth harassing anymore and she hasn’t really been that responsive to my emails, phone calls or myspace messages and she’s not very hot. I thought she would be my meal ticket, but I just can’t have this one-way relationship anymore and I have given up.

Last week I reached out to her Lesbian cock on Facebook and she never responded to me so in memory of a Lohan that was once worth fuckin and who was once going to be the girl who makes me relevant, here are some pictures of her from the side in a pair of tight pants that show off her booty. Since I am a fan of booty and tight pants pants are the reason I leave my house and hang out at college campuses like I am the dirty professor until security escorts me out for propositioning random girls to pose naked for me in my art class I don’t actually teach, here’s Lohan’s ass doing good things proving that sometimes weight gain is a good thing since Lohan never had a good ass, the problem with weight gain is that it never stops when the tits and ass are full, and it’s never too long before the stomach and rest of her follows their lead.

It was the Winter Music Conference in Miami this past week and I wanted to send someone there to get video footage of all the crazy party people high on drugs, but the WMC decided that my site wasn’t legit or cool enough to cover their shitty week of club djs and I got rejected, so I had to tell the unemployed dude in Miami who owned a video camera that his dreams of being an online TV producer for a shitty site no one reads will have to wait until I trick the WMC that the site isn’t a waste of internet space next year, which turns out to be a pretty hard task because I kinda agree with them.

These are some pictures of Tara Reid on the beach in Miami during the WMC with various men who I can only assume are DJs, club promoters and drug dealers who are in town to support their party lifestyle/industry, because she’s a staple in the club scene internationally and probably won some kind of award for being at the most parties in the last 5 years than any other living human being. I think whatever trophy she got will look good next to her haggard cocaine face, or even next to her old liver she had bronzed after she finally scored that transplant of the liver she stole from 18 year old party girl on Springbreak who she invited back to her room for some exclusive hotel party, at least that’s the only explanation I have for how bitch keeps going.

It’s pretty clear that Hulk Hogan likes a big woman who can handle being thrown around in the bedroom like the men he used to throw around in the ring. He also seems to like fake blonde hair, fake tits and a fake tan. It seems like his wife fit that description, then he bred his daughter to look that way and now the girl he is fucking as a distraction from his son being a murderer looks that way too.

Now, I have heard of girls dating dudes who remind them of their dads, or girls who get off to dudes who look kinda like their brothers and I’ve always been pretty uncomfortable with that but I figure when you’re from Florida trailer parks it’s pretty much par for the course, not to mention every piece of trash who works in the dinner on the interstate or at the local strip club fits the criteria so I guess it’s just some kind of creepy coincidence.

Either way, here are some pictures of Hulk and his girlfriend who looks like a younger version of his wife and an older version of his daughter and the real sad thing about the pictures is that her dick is bigger than yours.

George Clooney met a cocktail waitress in Vegas and made her his girlfriend and everyone is so fuckin’ shocked that she was some kind of slutty party girl. The way I see it, if any girl moves to Vegas, it’s usually because she’s slutty, likes money and likes partying. So they go to the best city in the USA for that and end up making money some way or another with their tits, whether it’s working the Casino’s in costume, working the clubs as GoGo dancers or being some kind of escort to high profile rich guys who are on a weekend getaway from their wives. It turns out that Sarah Larson was paid to get drunk and slutty by a club as some kind of entertainment for their guests and here are the pictures.

People may be criticizing Clooney for dating this kind of trash, but when you are in your 40s, are accomplished in your career and have all the money in the world, it’s like a breath of fresh air to meet a young, energetic party girl who likes to fuck. She doesn’t want to go back to her old lifestyle and wants to keep dude happy so that he keeps paying her to be his own personal party slut and that’s a better life than what she was living for tons of random dudes who would just leave her in Vegas when they were done with her and had to go back to their middle managment lives after their spent their 10,000 dollar weekend party budget. So what that means is that she will suck Clooney off wheever he wants her to, and there’s really not much better than that when you’ve already made it.

If I was Clooney, the last thing I’d want is a high maintenance, whining actress who is too obsessed with her own stresses and career and money to get on all fours by my pool at my Villa in Italy forcing me to bang every other slut I meet behind her back, because despite that being more fun, it’s not a healthy way of life and comes with a whole other barrel of problems, so you might as well just lock down a slut to begin with because you know bitch isn’t going anywhere. Not to mention, she’s got a pretty hot ass, especially when crawling all up on her friend while her pussy lip is hanging out.

I don’t break stories and I was tipped off that this whole Audrina Patridge tattoo shit was some kind of Ashton Kutcher Punk’d the Next Generation prank on the public. So when I got this email that deciphered what looks like the shittiest Chinese character tattoo, something that looks like it was drawn on with a box of Crayola’s, that reads “Pork Fried Rice”, I knew it was a shitty joke on us and that the tattoo is faker than her tits, because the reality is that I’ve seen better fake tattoos on poor kids covered in dirt at the local fair and you know they don’t have a budget to trick us into thinkin’ that panther on their chest is real….

Sure people get ugly tattoos all the time, and sure they get Chinese symbols that don’t translate into what they think theyt translates into because the people getting Chinese character tattoos are usually clueless, yes I am talking to you, and they people giving them their shitty tattoos are usually trashy beer drinking bikers who they met at a flea market. I have seen this happen so many fuckin times, but never so big and obvious so I call lie on this shit. Not to mention Ashton’s fame died about 3 years ago and the only people he can easily recruit to do his shitty show are either friends or people starved for attention aching to be legitimately famous and who are willing to do anything to get there…someone like Audrina.

Either way, fake or not, shit’s still fuckin ugly but not as ugly as these pictures of Audrina as a Pussycat Doll because it is all her rich kid ass is good for….

I wasn’t going to post today and write April’s Fool tomorrow because I figured it was a good excuse to be lazy, but since my life is pretty lazy I didn’t know that April Fool’s is tomorrow so I have to wait a full day to fool all you fuckers and now that I’ve ruined my joke, which in all honesty was really shitty but I am not really capable of thinking up a new one because that’s how useless I am.

Speaking of useless, Paris Hilton was in Turkey having a nice romantic lunch with her lesbian lover Benji Madden and the paparazzi went nuts. Stories as big as Paris Hilton being in their country just don’t happen too often in Turkey and the dumb bitch fell on her face and hit her chin.

The funniest thing in this video isn’t that Paris Hilton fell, even though we love seeing bitch on the ground in hopes that she’ll never get up. It is how Benji Madden tries to defuse the situation like a good boyfriend by trying to reason with the Paparazzi that his baby hurt herself and he wants to take care of her. Everyone knows you aren’t supposed to treat a whore like that and if she happens to get hurt in time you spend with her, you are supposed to drag her out on the street by her hair and flee the scene so that you don’t go down with her.

Unfortunately, momma’s boy Madden thinks the noble thing to do is to be a gentleman about the whole thing, so that he can take care of Paris, without realizing how much of a pussy it makes him look like. The reality is that leaving Paris on the ground in her own blood amongst rabid paparazzi is the best help he can give her. You know sometimes the best way to teach a kid how to ride a bike is to let him fall off it a few times first.

This is Paris Hilton, we’re talking about, she’s the kind of girl you try to push down the stairs, not pick back up and brush off after her awkward self trips over her huge feet, then causing a scene basically coming out of the fuckin’ closet like a little pussywhipped girl for the world to see.

Here’s a video of the Paparazzi in Turkey fighting over Paris because not much else is going on there and it’s more interesting than Benji Madden’s coming out video…

So I got this email:

i know freud was full of shit but this is a great moment from your leann rimes post.

and i quote:

It’s a lot like that time you let a dude suck my dick for coke and I am not judging because one slip up doesn’t make you a fag.

This is what I said:

“I let a guy suck my dick for coke” but realized that exposing my inner most secrets were sad and not funny, so I changed it to that to see if anyone would catch on. I have this problem called not editing but I am glad you noticed, you’d win a prize because it turns out that I also suck dick for attention to detail.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Now here are my links….

I always wondered what that shit stain on Pam Anderson’s arm was. It looked like a hand print from rough sex with a rockstar and just figured it never heeled because bitch has hepatitis and her immune system is too busy trying to keep her liver alive to heal battle wounds from being a slut, but it turns out that she was attacked by leeches when she was a kid.

I still think that line is a fuckin’ lie and the only reason she brought it up and made an excuse about it is because she is defensive and knows we all know she got it from sex but for some reason doesn’t want us knowing that she’s some kind of pornstar than doesn’t do porn professionally, because she’s a mother and needs to maintain some kind of wholesome image, proven by the tame outfit she’s wearing, her retarded fake tits, bleached hair and her gaping vagina.

I can relate to her trying to cover shit up. I remember when child services, the police and my wife’s doctor confronted me about the bruises all over her body and I stuck to my story she fell down the stairs. I know it wasn’t all that creative and that every wifebeater uses that line, but figured that they’d buy it because any real wifebeater would come up with something more believable. I made sure my wife backed up my story otherwise I’d never let her live it down and it worked so we lived happily ever after, except for the happy part.

Watch the video and try not to focus on her plastic face falling off because that’s what her tits are for.

Here’s some youtube snuff flim that was shot for Saint Patrick’s day where bitch is singing some Schwayze tune while stripping into her underwear. I can only assume that this girl’s gone missing because the creepy behind the camera has taken her into the basement and raped and killed her because that’s just the vibe I am getting from the shit, but at least her last moment on video was one spent in her panties while slutting out drunk. It’s a legacy with more meaning than that bitch who invented the xray machine, at least by my standards, which we all know are pretty one-sided and perverted.

Lookin’ at these pictures of Maria Sharapova make me think that the only reason everyone wants to fuck her happens while on the tennis court, because all the other chicks she plays against are bull dykes. I don’t find her as hot as I once did, because I guess I am easily influenced by the media too and it looks like she’s turned her visit to the Children’s Hospital to cheer up sick kids into some intro scene to a porno as her horny tennis vagina went straight for the surfer lookin’ backstreet boy and not for the pasty bald kid with Leukemia. I guess she’ll take frosted ratty Effron hair on a dude she know will jerk off to her as soon as his broken leg heals than some vomiting kid trying to play with blocks but not being able to muster up the energy to actually build anything cuz the chemo is just too hard on its little weak body. I’d say that at least she’s out there doing something good for the public, but it’s safe to say that she’s just thinkin’ with her cock, like the time I went to a car wash with my friend to support some High School graduation and slipped the girls an extra 25 dollars to do shit in their bikinis. I am sure they had a great graduation but I am sure it wasn’t as great as my car wash was.

Whoopi Goldberg has always been the kind of woman that I don’t consider a woman. She’s manly and disgusting and has about as much sex appeal as a piece of shit left by my wife in my toilet because she’s too fucking lazy to flush. I know that to some of you, you’re lack of a sex life all these years would make my wife’s shit something you’d be willing to fuck, but you’re not the norm and the average person would throw up when coming face to face with that shit. Either way she’s talking about really hot stuff like menopause and how wet her panties are and it was a disgusting moment in TV that I felt you needed to watch.

So it looks like Leann Rime’s husband is more ladylike than she is. The reality is that girls love gay dudes and they dream about their gays that they shop and get the hair done with were straight on the regular, because they are just the best kind of guy there is. So when a gay denies his sexuality in exchange for living in the limelight with glamorous lifestyle with all the designer clothes, spa days and fancy dinners his gay hearts desire, it makes sticking their dick in a pussy a hell of a lot easier. It’s one of those close your eyes and hope for the best kind of things, with a major upside. It’s a lot like that time you let a dude suck my dick for coke and I am not judging because one slip up doesn’t make you a fag. I have always been in the school of thought that if push comes to shove and it’s a matter of survival, people have to do what they have to do and we all have the capacity to do things we hate doing. It’s the same reason people work shitty jobs to get buy or marry a slut they hate cuz her disability checks pay the rent. I guess repressing your sexual orientation for the acceptance of your family, or for the fabulous lifestyle only a successful country singer can give you, is worth it but since you’re too scared to follow your heart you’ll stick to jerking off to gay porn the rest of your life and never actually biting the bullet, and by bullet I mean random cock in the bath house, because like Leann Rimes’ boyfriend it’s easier to play straight even if you have a deep rooted need to dance.

Audrina Patridge is hanging with the wrong crowd. Her candy coated rich kid upbringing kept her on the rich side of the tracks. You know with tennis lessons and summer camp and luxury cars and now she’s trying to give the finger to her family by hanging with some big breasted, tattooed, lesbian biker chick. In trying to keep up with her new crew, she’s decided that the only way to get respect from them is to go out and get a gang tattoo on her wrist, potentially the best club slut place to get a tattoo, the only thing worse than that shit is if bitch gets it in white ink and it’s a playboy bunny or the Chanel logo or some stupid saying in another language or some shit, like every stripper dreams of getting. I guess it’s not her fault she’s trying harder than the rich Jewish girl I met getting pierced and changed out of her Jewish Girl outfit of the day, and rocked leather and tight jeans like it was halloween and she was actually hardcore and not a spoiled brat. The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she’s enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles. Either way, she’s got good cleavage so stare at it a bit, like you were there…..

UPDATE Ashton Kutcher’s stupid show can’t lure anyone high profile to fuck with the media and this is his genius idea of tricking the media into writing about some no name d-list slut so that he can get the last lame laugh. If this is a segment on the show, dude needs some better writers because I am not posting it cuz I care she’s getting a tattoo, I am writing it cuz her tits are busting out of her shirt….

One of these things is not like the other or some shit and that is why this picture made me laugh. It’s got pretty much nothing that you’d want out of a picture of a swimsuit model, like her wearing some bag-lady clothes in some stupid pedicure sandals she stole for the Korean nail lady but there’s a fuckin’ midget in the background and whenever I see midgets I always get excited. I think it’s because I used to fuck around with a midget chick when no other girls wanted anything to do with me and she was always eager helping my non existent self esteem. The other thing that helped my self esteem when rollin’ with her was how my dick always looked so big in her little midget hand. It made me want to join the circus and never get with regular sized girls ever again because I couldn’t deal with their judgmental ways, but instead I ended up with a girl 3 times my size and now have to live with my mistake for the rest of my worthless life. I guess the good news is that I will always have pictures of Hayden Panettiere to remind me of what once was…..

I like Sienna Miller and I am not sure why. Maybe it’s because she seems like she’s stuck in some kind of time warp and doesn’t realize that she’s not a hippie trying to protest the war while running through a wildflower field in her expensive designer hippie clothes and unwashed hair while liberally using her nipple for change, or maybe it’s because I know she’s some kind of party girl who probably takes it up the ass because she’s not anal in the bad way. Either way, I am hungover and this shit is peaceful to me, but then again, any girl in a see-through dress is therapy for the life I’m livin.