I was walking down the street and came across 2 dudes smoking weed. They were walking along the street, high as fucking hell having the time of their lives. One of the guys decided it would be funny to steal the kids bike that was locked outside McDonalds and the other went along with it because I guess he thought it was a good idea too. They both struggled with the lock for about 3 minutes before breaking the shit, the entire time they were laughing hysterically and happy as hell. One of the guys jumped on the bike and the other ran alongside him into the sunset, enjoying every second of it. As their laughs slowly faded in the wind, because they got too far away to hear, the kid came out with an ice cream cone only to realize his bike had gone missing and started to cry. That’s when I realized that I just don’t know how to have fun like that anymore, but I do have links. Click them.

In case you didn’t know, Mischa Barton was dropped by her agent because she’s a sloppy, lazy bitch and now they have her out on a boring, lazy publicity stunt in her bikini. The only good thing about these staged bikini shots is that they can photoshop her cellulite ridden body to look a little tighter and a little smoother, now all they have to do is photoshop her boyfriend into a heterosexual. Sure, he’s pretty much raping her in these pictures but I can sense the disgust in his eyes….he’s actually asking himself if his career is really worth the trouble of having to taste this whore.

I hate fucking golf. It reminds me of Junior executives trying to be big shots and white people. It also reminds me of work because for a summer I used to be the groundskeeper on some stuffy waspy golf course where assholes would ask me to get them towels or complain to my boss about how the green wasn’t maintained and shit like that. It made me have a serious hatred for people with money who lack any flavor. They all dressed like the same clowns, they all said the same boring racist and sex jokes and they all bored me even from a fuckin’ distance and that’s when I decided that I will never have a real job in an office, I will never take up the sport and even when you throw some tacky Playboy bitch and her panties into the mix, I still think Golf fucking sucks.

I was at a bar last night and I witnessed 2 relatively hot chicks recruit some dude to have a threesome with them. They walked up to him and started rubbing up on him and telling him how amazing he was and all this shit. At first I was a little thrown off and jealous that they didn’t come up to me and offer me the same fuckin’ deal, but I realized that I kinda smell like piss and haven’t showed for a few days, thanks to having no hot water. I guess what made the whole thing easier on my self esteem was that I was at a full service strip club and that I knew dude would be shelling out lots of money for that experience but it still made me feel inadequate, almost as inadequate as the dude in CSI rockin’ a speedo. I have no dick, but at least my balls give me more fuckin’ volume than him and for some reason, motherfucker’s hanging out with the hottest ass I’ve seen in a while, and that reason is because he’s on TV and you aren’t.

Rihanna is wearing a barely see through shirt with no bra and you can kinda make out her nipple ring if you really try and I don’t really see anything exciting about this shit because you have to have some serious virgin goggles to make out her nipples. I guess the point of this is to say that I still like Rihanna and the choices she makes when she goes out clubbing, maybe next time, she’ll sprawl out and insert two fingers in herself to make the pictures worth posting, I know this post is shit, but I’ve been laying low the last few weeks and have nothing to write about this second.

Here’s a weird fetish video posted by someone named OCD girl, who obsessively licks things to make sure they are clean.. She walks into a hotel room and licks the phone, the utensils and the toilet and I find the whole thing pretty hot, it makes me think that if a bitch is willing to lick those germy places, she’ll have no issues licking my scummy asshole, but the truth is that I know it’s staged and I know everything was cleaned 10 times over and that this video is just another lie, but I can see past the lie and enjoy the licking because I’m a pervert like that and so are you.

This picture of Amy Winhouse’s cat and MTV Award sitting next to her crackpipe came out the other day and I thought it was a great opportunity for you to write an LOLCat to the shit but I am not very good with cutesy funny talk and can’t pull this shit off, all I came up with was:

“Iz Smokin’ Crackz Becuz Daddy Uzed To Pet Me Naughtyz and Nowz Iz Letz You Dos It for Moneyz Cuz Baby Needz Anudder Fix”

I assume if any other sites know what’s up, they’ve already done this and I am just 12 steps behind, but it happens. I guess what also happens is that finding a crackpipe in Amy Winehouse’s house and shit doesn’t really phase us anymore, we all know she’s going to die and at least she’s living life to the fullest by getting fucked up every chance she gets….something other crackheads can’t really do unless they’re turnin’ lots of tricks and livin’ on the streets. So Instead of lookin’ down on her for throwing her life away, we should embrace her for being the best and most successful crackhead out there.

I’ve had a thing for Amanda Bynes ever since I was forced to watch She’s the Man 30 times with my stepdaughter and her friends a couple years ago. That’s when I learned that when you watch a young teenage girl dressed like a boy long enough, bitch starts to look hot. It became a bit of an obsession of mine at the time, where I could only get off to a chick if she was in some baggy ass clothes, a soccer uniform, or had her hair tucked into her hat. It was pretty much the gayest my fantasies have ever gone, except for the time I gangbanged a chick with my homeboy and are balls rubbed right as I was cumming, I struggled with figuring out if his balls made me cum or if the slut we were banging made me cum and I was forced to drop him as a friend because I didn’t want my OCD to make me take him for a ride to find out.

The video was removed so I posted this shitty one instead…

I hate Criss Angel, maybe because magic is for creepy perverts who are trying to figure out the best way to be around kids as much as they can, or maybe it’s the fact that he dresses like every fucking chachi I hate in line at lame clubs, only this motherfucker is 40 years old or maybe it’s because I have seen some of his stupid tricks and they are all lies, and pretty fucking obvious lies and I don’t like being lied to, especially when it’s by a girl I’m about to fuck without a condom who says she’s clean an on the pill, when she’s not…not that ever happens, but has and it sucked.

This video is the whole “Dangerous” stunt of him trying to escape an imploding building, it was supposed to be live because they say it’s live and dude got “caught” inside and went down with the building making everyone think he died. It was pretty exciting and happy times and just as I was ready to move on to hating other molesting magicians, like this asshole who lives down the street from me, the asshole mind fucked me and walked out of the rubble only to disappoint a lot of haters.

It’s pretty likely that the struggle we all saw was pre-recorded as he took the elevator down to safety, to have a cocktail, do his hair and get made-up, get fucked up the ass like a greek that he is and he is unfortunately still around to mind fuck idiots everywhere again. It is pretty fucking disappointed. Watch the clip.

I used to have a fan. She used to email me telling me how life changing my shit was on the daily. She’d offer me blowjobs and sex and money to support my drinking and I’d always blow it off. I ended up advising her to get out of a boring relationship with a fat guy and next thing I know she’s sluttin out, having orgies and suckin’ dick for money, always sending me the scoop.

Today she emailed me telling me that my site doesn’t do it for her, that I’ve sold out and all this other shit basically saying she’s over it and that I suck. I haven’t figured out how I’ve sold out because I am still poor, but maybe she’s right and the site is a piece of shit, I don’t think I’ve every claimed it to be anything other than shit, and haven’t really done anything to change what I do, but it will never be as shitty as whatever the fuck STD she lands now that shit is said and done fucking any cock willin’ in hopes of finding self worth she never she had and probably never will have. Welcome to the club.

If your wondering why I wrote this, it’s because it’s the only email I got today, not even the Hitler shit got me love and nothing happened when I got drunk earlier, so here are my links….

The funny thing about seeing Britney riding a horse in Cabo has nothing to do with beastiality, but more with her finally knowing what every guy that fucked her in the fat, depressed, unwashed years felt like, if anything the only difference about the Horse and Britney at her worst is that when the horse pisses and shits itself, it doesn’t make a mess of the bed sheets.

These pictures reminded me of something that happened yesterday. I was sitting on the stoop minding my own business and some chick rides up to me on a bike. She tells me that she forgot her lock and needs someone to watch her shit. I told her that I would be sitting there for a while, because I have nothing better to do, but I am not someone she should trust, because if the offer comes up I will sell it for drug money. She left it with me anyway and I thought of all the different ways I could get back at her for giving me this repsonsibility. I could give it away or put a sign on it that says “take me”, I could hide it, or I could take the air out of the tires to just be a dick. Instead I convinced my pervert friend who I was with to sniff the seat when she came to get the bike, just to make her feel awkward about the whole thing so he did it and I laughed.

Some people like porn to get off, other people need to get off doing werider things like parking their cars outside of the park, some lonely people may like phone sex and girls tend to like lay in bed at night before bed with all their erotic fantasies rolling through their head to get off, but I need The View to get me going….the reason is simple, that goddess Whoopi Goldberg is on it and she always brings the sex. She is open, honest and confident about her sexuality which is amazing considering no one else in the world is comfortable with her sexuality. We never quite know what we are looking at or whether she is a she and not a he and if she is a she than does she get down with other girls or does she get down with dudes and with every day she spends on The View, the more we get a glimpse into her magical panties.

Today she tells the world that in her lifetime she’s had 50 cocks, that probably sounds worse than it is. Because to conservative America, you know people who like to look down on other girls who like to have fun by havingsex with a bunch of people, because they were too busy getting married to their high school sweetheart only to pop the cherry on their wedding night, because they are traditional like that and believe that’s how God wants it, only to live a miserable repressed life with an abusive husband who fucks hookers every chance he gets because he committed to this boring, fat woman who dreams about sex with her favorite soap stars because she never expected shit to get as bad as it did, but the truth is that I know girls who are 19 and have had more partners in a week than Whoopi has had in a lifetime.

That doesn’t really take away how fuckin sexy it is to think about Whoopi’s thick hair, dry hands and purple tongue running up and down each and every one of those cocks, only to slowly take off her jeans and sneakers to let them in her magical place that is a mystery to the rest of the world. Those 50 men are like the first people to explore the North Pole, or the first people to the moon, because her genitals are one of the world’s great mysteries.

NOTE: I don’t have the video because the Networks are all suing the company that used to send me the video because they don’t like that people are monetizing on their shit, even if it’s just writing about a segment that we saw on TV or something funny that happened on their network that they pollute our homes with. It’s like we can watch the shit, talk about the shit, but we can’t share the shit or ABC, FOX, NBC, CBS get mad and sue with their deep pockets, pockets made deep because of us, the same people they are suing…cocksuckers.

I don’t have a thing for greasy girls who sweat. Sure there was a time when there was nothing more that I wanted than to have hot sweaty sex in the middle of the summer with a tight bodied blonde bikini model, but I am older now and I am more into girls who shower and look clean. It’s probably got to do with having an obese wife who always sweats and it’s come to the point where the list of top 5 things she does on the daily are eating, sweating, sleeping, sitting, shitting and making a fuckin mess in the process that’s lead to bugs in the shit hole apartment, something we’ve avoided up until now. So there’s really nothing inspiring about any of those things except to other fat people who see it as encouragment to not finish that extra large pizza for fear of dying and missing out on those 5 amazing things that got them in this mess in the first place.

The truth is that her greasy skin glisten wouldn’t be so vile, if it didn’t smell like feces, but it does, so seeing Marisa Miller, someone I am not even that in to, greased up makes me think of my wife eating french fries and a burger and breaking a sweat from the strain it’s putting on her heart as the juices drip down her cleavage and that doesn’t turn me on but it probably turns you on because you love cleavage.

Either way, here’s Marisa Miller greased up like a fat chick. I feel like I’ve already posted these pics.

In my worldly travels to the local strip club, I once met a 65 year old strippers with massive tits who was still working the pole. Her shit was pretty boring, her ass was flabby and her flexibility was barely there, but she had hot old lady tits that I knew had seen so many hands and mouths that I just had to have a run with her. I decided to take her into the booth and grab her tits and do what you do, maybe because I don’t have a grandmother or maybe it was just because I wanted to see how a seasoned veteran performs. It turned out to be a fuckin’ disaster. She couldn’t get into any hot positions because her body wouldn’t let her and she she was too busy struggling to get her clothes off for me to get hard for those ridiculous tits only menopause could make and the whole thing reminded me of a fuckin’ old timers softball/hockey/basketball game where these old pros come out to play with everyday people and end up suckin’ harder than the everyday people suck because they are tired and sore. I guess the highlight of the whole thing was when her incontinence lead her to squirting piss on my legs after squatting over me, I didn’t get mad because bladder control’s totally overrated anyway…..

Point is that I predict a similar future for Carmen Electra, but at least she’s doing her best flaunting what she’s still got….

Adriana was kidnapped from her tribe in Brazil by Victoria’s Secret who have people recruiting models from all parts of the world and by recruiting I mean kidnapping, which is pretty smart considering tribes don’t have phones or internet to contact the outside world and file a missing person’s report.

I was told that her deal is going to spend as much time with the brand as she can before she gets old, battered and they send her back to where she’s from. I guess it’s a good trade off, because she gets to travel the world, live in luxury and have guys everywhere masturbate to her and that’s a whole lot more appealing than dancing around a fire eating bananas, even if shit’s not forever it’ll make for exciting stories for the tribe’s people when she comes back in a few years with her grass skirt and coconut top on, that Victoria’s Secret has put aside for her so that it looks like she never left but I predict that she sneaks in one of her bras for them to worship as some kind of icon sent from above.

Either way, here she is doing what she was kidnapped to do and that’s promote everything and anything Victoria’s Secret.