It is the last day of September. It feels like my life is speeding by me and I just can’t keep up. It’s like tomorrow, I will wake up and I will be 75 years old, still married to my wife, who will not be dead thanks to medical advancements, but will equally annoying and demanding as her lifeless obese body lays there attached to a machine that breaths for her and that makes her heart beat for her that she is already lookin’ forward to because she finds both those things fucking tiring, giving her the energy to demand a sponge bath in places I don’t like visiting now because it smells like death and will really not like visiting when it actually is dead.

Either way, if you want to make the best of your short time on this earth, you may want to do it by clicking my links. It’s got a lot to keep you entertained when I am not available to be your dancing fucking monkey you using piece of shit. Cuddles.

Like most muscular jock-types, Hayden gets a little confused when it comes to grocery shopping. Sure she has no problem carrying all her groceries in one hand, including one of those huge jugs of water, like she was working the fuckin’ plantation, while doing one armed push ups to her car with the other hand, just because she can, but when it comes to the simple things like putting in your pin number or signing her name, she freezes. I guess that’s just the bi-product of never finishing highschool because you’re too busy getting rich in Hollywood.

I don’t know who these twins are and I don’t really care because I got a fucking finger shoved in my ass toay and I am not really in the mood to use google, for fear that I may land on images of prostate exams being administered, which is never a good thing for me, because girls don’t have a fucking prostate, not that I ever tell them that for fear that they’ll catch onto my lie that is “lookin’ for cancer, since it’s pretty fuckin’ common” to get up in there in the first place and I’d hate my strategy to be let out of the fucking bag.

Either way, these girls look like they are down with anal, I mean all girls who were raised in Hollywood with dreams of fame are, and if they happen to be the only two who aren’t then I bet they are definitely down with showering together, because they are sisters after all and it’s only natural and that’s good enough for me, because they aren’t all that hot as one, but pretty fucking glorious as a tag team.

I hate Katy Perry and what she does to me everytime her song comes on the radio, which as far as I am concerned is still far too often, even though they’ve replaced the Kissed a Girl/ Ruined My Lesbian fantasies song with a new one off her shitty album. She’s not an artist, or a musician and this is not a performance, she’s a fuckin’ clown and this is a fucking circus. She pollutes the airwaves and she’s definitely driving the final nails into the coffin that is the music industry. That’s why you should all look at her tits, think about different ways to rape her and leave her in the ditch, because she’s just that kind of girl…..you know it always starts with kissing a girl for male attention and ends up in the ditch after one too many roofies….sluts will never learn.

So everyone knows that whole Britney thing hit yesterday, where the garbage paparazzi have video of her fucking for 20 minutes with some immigrant photographer and he’s shopping it around…well someone sent me these pictures and this email…

Mother of the year, BRITNEY SPEARS, is making headlines, once again for her music… I mean her snatch. Apparently, there are some leaked naked pics of her (shocking), from her days running around with Adnan (possibly even a sex tape)… Anyway, one of my stations posted censored pics… here’s the REAL deal — is this HER? Can you tell from her va-jay-jay?? Classy.

Obviously, these aren’t her, she shaved her head and had ratty extensions and is reportedly wearing a pink wig in the video, but who knows, maybe I’m wrong, considering I’m always wrong according to my wife and my track record. So I’ll post them and let you be the judge.

These are almost NSFW, so if you’re a potential advertiser, pretend you didn’t see this. Asshole.

I don’t know if you remember Ecko, they kinda fell off the map about 5 or 6 years ago when they started selling the shit in Wal Mart or places like Wal Mark and homeless people like me started rockin’ our Rhino sweatshirts because our wives thought they were cute and were the only thing under 20 dollars in the store that fit our overweight selves, not because we were hip hop or trying to maintain street cred, but because we were lazy and it was convenient.

It looks like they are making their way back onto the scene and they are drawing attention in the oldest way possible and that is with hot sluts in bikinis, showing off their asses, pretending to be making jeans, despite knowing the truth that these jeans were probably made in China, Indonesia or wherever else they make jeans these days, but who really cares about the sweatshops, unless of course they look like this.

Now do me a favor and email Ecko letting them know I promoted them for free because after Diesel’s SFW Porn ad was such a big hit, I figured I had to keep bringing the goods. I’d insert the link to the Diesel SFW porn clip, but that’s what the search bar is for, do it yourself you lazy pig.

I was listening to Lesbian Radio last night, I don’t have a TV and it happened to be the only thing on that was entertaining. After about 10 minutes of the shit, I realized that Lesbians really take themselves seriously and aren’t all that entertaining at all. They are man hating, pussy licking hippies with little to offer the world but a decent fantasy when you are tired of lookin at dick in your porn because you start questionning whether it is the girl or the guy getting you off, leading to the need to prove to yourself that you like girls.

Either way, my wife made me turn it off because she hates lesbians, because she sees them as college kids who took the whole experimenting shit one step too far and turned it into a lifestyle. When the radio show went to talk about gay marriages, she laughed saying that she thought being a ‘mo was all about never having to get married. You know avoiding the hell that is marriage and when celebs talk about how they are getting Garried, they are just full of shit attention seekers, cuz real gay people would never do something the breeder do.

I guess none of that matters, because we all know Lohan’s just a lesbian for attention and to clean up an image of a vagina that took a couple too many dicks for her age and it is her way of pacing herself out, without having to be alone for any amount of time, because she’s just a broken down childstar with no father figure and an addiction. But who really cares, here they are in bikinis, and unlike the other sites, I have no need to talk about Ronson in a bikini, I have seen a lot worse in a fucking bikini and the good news is that they are skinny. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions as to whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, because as far as I’m concerned, seeing her in a bikini is a lot better than seeing me in a bikini, mainly because my dick is probably about the same size as her lesbian clit and frankly, it’s pretty embarrassing…..kinda like using the word frankly in a post, that’s so not me.

Jennifer Aniston is still alone on vacation. It’s kind of a common theme in her life since she can’t keep a boyfriend, and the truth is who really cares what Jennifer Aniston does, as long as she’s doing it in a bikini, because bikinis, when in the tundra that is Canada are a rare and beautiful thing, like a unicorn.

I thought these pictures were funny because of the amount of food this bitch has in front of her. It’s kind of a lot for one person. I figured that maybe she was emotionally eating her way through the pain and as she licks one plate clean, yells at Miguel to bring her more gucamole. Or maybe she’s just showing off that her life of excess is better than mine, as I sit here finishing off a box of $1.99 Cheerios. Or maybe it’s her passive aggressive way of telling Angelina Jolie and her starving AIDS babies to fuck themselves for stealing the one true love she thought she had locked down.

Either way, who really gives a fuck, this bitch is old and boring and that’s probably the real root to her lonely existance and here she is in that bikini….

I thought Megan Fox had bigger tits than this. I feel like she’s like the 16 year old girl I saw walking around American Apparel this morning. She was puffing out her chest like some kind of chicken going to war, or peacock trying to impress the female peacocks, and I could tell that she either wasn’t used to having tits or that she was trying to look like her tits were a bigger deal then they were.

These are some stills from her How To Make Friends and Alienate People movie, where she seems to be walking around a party in her bra, something that never happens at the kinds of parties I go to, but in all fairness to the people I party with, they are old, tired, hurting alcoholics and seeing them in a bra would probably not allow me to look at them the same way again, it would actually be pretty out of place, even though Old Jimbo’s got really fat man tits that we all tease him about, but never wish to see, if you know what I mean.

Some of you may know that I had a ass scare a few weeks ago where I had some weird irritable bowel situation that I’d rather not discuss. I had to go to the doctor for some follow up tests this morning, so not only did I not get to drink last night, but I also had to fast for 12 hours for the blood tests and while in the Doctor’s office, who was checking his ebay auctions while asking me questions about my stomach’s condition, the running off on a tangent about how he bought his Benz on ebay from someone in Texas and how great people in Texas are, he made me turn over and face the wall and pulled down my pants and shoved his finger in me. I was a little uncomfortable looking him in the eye and finishing the conversation off after he raped me like that, it was kinda hard to pretend shit didn’t just happen, I just hope he was wearing a rubber glove. I would have liked a little more warning and I still have lube in my ass and I’m walking a little different than I have in the past because I am a new man, not a new man that I like or that is going to embrace this new erogenous zone, because I am someone who never liked anal play, not even when getting a blowjob from a really whore, so it was a pretty devastating morning.

I saw this facebook status on Nick Simmons wall, and I feel like I can relate. Only instead of cock. It’s my ass. It’s hurting. I feel like all those girls I’ve done this to and it turns out that karma is a fucking bitch.

If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted yet, don’t worry, it’s not because I am Jewish and celebrating whatever the high holiday is today, it is because I am lazy and like to take everybody’s holidays because I feel like I deserve them. I do sound Jewish cuz of my gay immigrant twang from learning english from a raging homosexual and nasal problems, but maybe I am just making excuses for that nose job I’ve always wanted…..

A nose job, is the least important surgery on the general public’s list of demands to Rumer Willis’ family before unleashing her to the public. A list that has gone ignored the last few years, but I guess dying her hair like the Great Pumpkin is Rumer Willis trying to make herself look prettier or more like the witch she looks like, by doing something wild and sexy with her hair, unfortunately, it’s like giving the broken down Chevy with no tires in your backyard a new paint job with some old cans of spray paint you’ve got in your backshed because you’re drunk and think it will be funny, only to realize shit’s still just a broken down Chevy with no tires that you might as well douse in gasoline and set ablaze like you were the bank robber trying to get rid of the evidence you wish you were, while playing role playing games with your wife, because she has a thing for bandits…

I don’t know what I am talking about or if I got the point I wanted to get across, but what I am trying to say is that the only way this bitch will ever be hot is if her mother decides to fire her mid-season and re-cast some slut from the local brothel, like they did with Becky on Roseanne back when I had a TV….Maybe that’s a dated reference for those o you who have had TV the last decade but shit’s still fresh to me.

Either way, here are the pics and good morning to each and everyone one of you….and by each and everyone of you, I mean you.

I know that Britney has a sex tape and the sleazy paparazzi are shopping it around and I figure why bother writing about it, since everyone else is and since I don’t have the fucking’ video to prove it exists, but I know that it probably does exist, because the paparazzi are fucking scum and selling a sex tape of a girl you took advantage of when she was at her lowest point, is something scum would do, especially when their careers are all about exploiting these people and I wouldn’t put it past paparazzi scum to have used Kleenex, tampons an underwear of hers. The real disappointment is that this shit didn’t go down when Britney was 18, hot and worth jerking off to and not when she’s a mess we all feel sorry for.

I also know that Anne Hathaway admitted to liking anal sex, which isn’t surprising because she’s a fucking homo. Don’t let those big tits throw you off. Who the fuck cares if she likes anal, I’d say 60 percent of chicks do like it and those who don’t are either too prude to try it, or had a bad experience cuz the asshole that took their asshole’s virginity did it too hard and made them scared of the shit. Yes, I realize I made many ass and shit references in that sentence. It was unintentional…and until I see the pics of her getting it up the ass, I am not going to post it here.

I know that Scarlett Johansson got married to the Canadian this weekend and that you are upset she is off the market even though you really had no fucking chance and I know that Heather Locklear got arrested for driving under the influence of prescrption drugs and I’d rather talk about my experiences with prescription drugs then focus on hers. I just won’t bother posting boring gossip stories here but I will post these links though….enjoyy

Nothing says she’ll run the country proper like a video of her objectifying herself in a beauty pageant. This is the kind of shit a Playboy career stems from and also the kind of shit that Jon Benet Ramsey stemmed from, but who cares, she’s in a bathing suit in 1984 hoping for a career outside of Alaska as a Journalist and soon she’ll be in your White House….Probably totally qualified, considering beauty pageants are known to breed intelligence….but in all fairness she didn’t win, a big ol’ Grizzly bear did. It is Alaska after all.

If you are still excited about Monday or as excited about Monday as I am, and not sure what to do with yourself, we’ve got this list of a whole lot more links from the stepFORUM to keep your entertained for hours, or if you are like me and have trouble focusing on things, at least a solid 3-7 minutes. I am hungover and may be dying, but you don’t want to hear about that because it is boring and so are Mondays so get in the stepFORUM.

I used to go to Drum and Bass parties, cuz the girls were easy and saw this video that reminded me of those miserable days that I call Drum and Bass Church of the Day

And if stepFORUMS and videos of edited Church shit set to Drum and Bass isn’t your thing, here’s some Hilary Duff picking her ass and smiling about it of the day pictures.

A dog’s mouth is rumored to have less bacteria in it than a human’s mouth, which isn’t saying much when that human is Aubrey O’Day and a hooker’s 6 day old, unwashed panties have less bacteria than her mouth, but it is saying something. The truth is I thought it was bad enough that Aubrey had taken it upon herself to take a helpless little animal and turn it into some kind of weird, abused fashion accessory, but seeing that the thing is her personal living sex toy, kinda like you did with the kid down the street and both situations throw me the fuck off. I don’t ever think fucking animals is right, I don’t think exploiting them to draw a little more attention on yourself is right either because dogs are nice and don’t know any better, like that country girl I met at the bus station who let my friend do horrible things to her because she was just trying to find her way.

In the dog’s defense though, it’s only licking back because Aubrey’s mouth smells like cat shit and cat shit is to dogs, what chocolate cake is to my wife. If you know what I mean.