I knew an older guy who had spent many years drinking and eating badly. We used to hang in the park, he was retired and I was just a slacker, and he was shitting blood for a couple weeks before we forced him to go to the doctor. He had some kind of ass cancer and they had to remove something and that fucked up his boners.

So this dude spent the next 6 months depressed and complaining to us about how he can fuck whores like he used to, he couldn’t even jerk off because he couldn’t get it up, and that his shit was officially broken. He tried Viagra and it didn’t work, so his doctor suggested testosterone therapy because it was supposed to keep him young and virile, despite being in his 60s.

What that treatment did to him was fucking criminal, it turned him into a fucking monster. He’d stare down women like a guard dog scoping out a black guy climbing the junkyard fence, he’d talk about pussy more aggressively than ever, and he’d grab at random chicks who would walk by. Dude turned into a fucking rapist, but couldn’t do shit about it, because despite the fucking testosterone, his dick still didn’t work, so here was this raging hormonal freakshow who you couldn’t walk down the street without breaking some kind of law and scaring anything with a pussy, who was more sexually frustrated than you have ever been in your life because even though he wanted to fuck more than he ever did, he couldn’t do anything about it, so he got off the treatment, went back to normal and 6 months later they found out the cancer had spread and he died, and this picture reminds me of him and is my little tribute to let him know I have never forgotten those magical days of creepin’ together….

Pink’s new video for a song called Sober hit yesterday and I was too lazy to post it, mainly because I didn’t really give a fuck about Pink or her penis, but I came across the screencaps of her having sex with herself in lingerie and figured it was weird enough to put out there. Is she going on the Lohan kick and doing what nature intended for her, or is she just over guys because her husband broke her heart by leaving her for a real woman, or maybe she’s just given up on everyone and has vowed to spend the rest of time fucking herself, and I guess it doesn’t matter because she’s not hot, so thinking about who she fucks, how she masturbate or even her getting off in general is something that should not enter anyone’s mind, because if it does, you may just be gay, but you already knew that didn’t you, you just don’t want your family to know…

I don’t know what I’m going on about, the truth is I’d fuck Pink, there I said it, but then again I have no standards and haven’t quite figured out if I am gay or not, but I like the idea of her broken heart, down on her luck accessibility, not to mention her bank account, and her hardcore suburban rock attitude that makes me want to punch a mall security guard while high from compressed air at Best Buy,after he busts me stealing underwear from Sears….or some shit.

So if you can stomach sitting through a Pink video, there’s a couple seconds of her having sex with herself.

Here are some of the screencaps….

If you had plans to go to Mumbai for some Butter Chicken cuz your family didn’t invite you to their house for Turkey, you may want to re-schedule, because shit is in flames, people are getting killed, people are being held hostage and US and British people are being targeted and Sikhed (get it). The airport, hotels, restaurants and cafe’s that tourists frequent are all getting hit, and this is some crazy shit, so if you’re reading this, you can be thankful that you are an ignorant piece of shit who’s idea of Indian is people on a reserve who don’t pay taxes and run Casinos and your idea of traveling is going to a 3 star resort in the Dominican or Cancun, because culture is for losers while Cancun is for all you can drink bars, tit flashing and getting herpes before your 21st birthday….all for around 1000 dollars.

Here’s a video….I am sure tons more are out there….

UPDATE – DO NOT CALL ANY CUSTOMER SUPPORT NUMBERS FOR ANY US PRODUCT BECAUSE THE WAIT TIME IS LONGER THAN USUAL.

ANOTHER UPDATE – THE TAJ HOTEL IS ON FIRE AND PEOPLE ARE STILL INSIDE THE HOTEL BECAUSE THE TERRORISTS TOLD THEM TO STAY IN THEIR ROOM – PROBABLY A VERY HORRIBLE WAY TO GO – RIP MOTHERFUCKERS…..

In honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to post these pictures of a turkey, or someone who will probably eat an entire turkey tomorrow, because Beyonce is the kind of girl who just doesn’t like sharing and has the ability to clear a table stocked with enough fried chicken for a couple dozen people, but in her defense, she’s never been this physical in her performances, and that probably works up a mean appetite, you know making those who used to be shocked with how much she managed to eat before, she was doin’ nothing, totally blown the fuck away when they see what she manages to stuff in her face now, and it’s got something to do with her not wanting to share the spotlight with the younger, hotter Rihanna who I know she just can’t fucking stand, even though Rihanna’s career is making Beyonce’s divorce settlement a lot more lucrative, when she finally leaves Jay Z for two timing her.

Every time I watch her do this song and dance, I laugh because of the pain I see in her eyes. It’s like watching some morbidly obese person trying to get a new lease on life and taking their fat ass to the streets to burn off some calories, or like watching my wife trying to get off the couch. There is struggle and panting as heart is begging her to stop, but Beyonce won’t listen, because if she does, it means Rihanna won.

At least she’s managed to find a full-body pair of spanx to strap her in and keep her fat from spilling out all over the fuckin’ reinforced stage, making the homeless people they kicked off their corner to throw this street performance even more pissed off, you know in a first they take their homes and now they’re rubbing how much food they’ve managed to stuff in their faces in their face, while they sitting there starving, cold in mismatched shoes waiting for it all to end..

Here are the pics.

And the videos….

Her Performing Single Ladies…

Her Obnoxious Grand Entrance and a Little Crazy in Love

Bonus Some Dude in the Crowd’s Vidoe

Her name is Holly Montag and in case you were wondering she is the spin-off of her sister Heidi, that’s just how deep The Hills goes, it makes celebrities out of the family and friends of the lying pieces of shit who the show is based on, which means that not only does that shit ruin our lives, but also the lives of innocent people, who get caught up in the whole thing when they see how much money and how many perks their siblings are getting, that they need to jump on the fuckin’ bandwagon and get their fair share or some shit, and at least they are getting paid. I just hope for their sake they don’t think this is going to open any real doors for them, because the fame from this show is fleeting. There’s no room to show off any actual talent and I’m sure no producer would touch anyone who has tainted themselves with this shit, it’s like fucking the fat chick in your neighborhood, who’s pussy smells like gym socks and old cheddar one night when you’re drunk at a party, the same party the hot chick you’ve been working when you are of sound body and mind is at, the one who accidentally walks in on you in the kitchen pantry with your dick 2 inches (75% of the way) in this piece of shit girl that is only at the party because no one had the heart to tell her she wasn’t invited for fear of having her columbine their asses, and the same girl who looks at you disappointed around the same time they throw up in disgust and run off in tears because she was on the fence about getting with you, but just need a little more convincing, but instead of working on them proper by getting her too drunk to realize what the fuck she was doing, you go out and fuck the fat girl who smells that everyone teases.

I don’t know if that made sense, but being a fouth tier character on The Hills is career suicide, but at least Holly Montag’s got the right idea and shows her very white panties on Canadian cable channels, not that it’s that big of a deal, since only one person is watching the shit, but it’s a big deal to me, because the white panties my wife wears are only white for about a minute before the yellow mucus discharge faucet in her pants wins the wrestling match that is her putting them on.

Either way, I’m a simple man, and these pics are good enough for me and that’s why I am sharing them with you. Thanks girl on Facebook who I stole these from. I’m sure you’ll be emailing me to take them down in about a minute. Asshole.

I’m not a lesbian or anything, but Megan Fox pretends she is to get attention from the media and really secure her place as the town whore everyone wants to fuck. Kinda like Katy Perry and her whole kissed a girl shit, proving that men are weak, it doesn’t take very much to get excited, but the least Megan Fox could do is get out of her Brian Austin Green issued uniform that covers her from head to toe, and show us that pussy she’s always talkin’ about using because eventually she’ll have had his kid, since she’s under his spell, and it’ll all be over for her, true story, some crazy lady told me all about it on the bus today, she carrying a bag filled with bras and underwear she picked up at the Salvation Army, so I’m not sure how much of what she says is fact and how much of it is crazy.

Benji Madden was seen leaving a club with his new fuck toy, who is some guy he put in a silly had to make look like his one true love, his brother. I mean it was kind of expected, since he’s been circle jerking with another man since the womb, even if they are twins and sex with each other isn’t considered homo, but masturbation, since they are the same fucking person. You know that whole if you had a clone of yourself would you let it suck your dick debate you’ve been having in you head since you first heard about Dolly the sheep, or whatever the fuck that cloned sheep was named.

So Benji isn’t talking much about Paris Hilton, their break up or any of that juicy shit that is her vaginal infections, because if you were famous and had the option to bang real chicks, you wouldn’t be down with admitting the dark time your judgment got the best of you because you were emotionally in a bad place since your one true love ran off with a troll and had a baby with her, you know leaving you forced to get with her best friend because it forces you to spend time together and it’s better to have something that keeps you tied to him, besides family functions or Good Charlotte reunion tours, you wouldn’t want people bringing it up or even admitting that it happened to yourself.

The truth is that Benji isn’t the first guy Paris has helped bring to his homosexual calling, she’s got those big feet, fake hair, lots of make-up and obnoxious outfits that would be encouraged at a gay club on tranny night, so I guess after fucking Paris the only place for you to go is Gay, especially since there’s a whole group of fags who aren’t scared of a little herpes, you know, since they have Aids.

I was at some chick who lives in the building’s apartment because I needed to borrow a cup of sugar, and by sugar I mean bitch just wanted to fuck me and I don’t have it in my to say no to positive attention and by wanting to fuck I mean I invited myself over to watch TV because I don’t have one.

I ended up watching Kanye on Conan and when I watch him I feel like I am experiencing some sort of mental breakdown, and since I was too busy staring at the chick who lives in my building’s braless titties, I didn’t really pay much attention to this insecure broken down motherfucker, but I did notice that near the end of the interview he announces he has to go to the bathroom like he’s got no fucking filter or care for anyone by himself in his self centered world, like a retarded kid who can’t think 30 seconds into the future, and who need handlers to make sure he doesn’t do things he’s not supposed to when in public, like this retard I used to work with, who was hired by some work program, so my boss could get cheap labor, and I could have a good laugh when showing him pictures of tits in playboy and convincing him that they were the girl we worked with’s tits, getting him all riled up and ending with him groping her, because dude liked what he saw and didn’t realize shit was inappropriate behavior because he could only work on impulse, it’s what being retarded’s all about.

Either way, Kanye doesn’t play along with any of Conan’s jokes, he wasn’t interesting to listen to, he wasn’t funny, and he wasn’t normal, he seemed medicated and totally affected by the fame, money, and death of his mother. Dude’s about to fucking crack and he reminded me of a 5 year old who just got molested only he takes himself a lot more seriously than a 5 year old, with self-proclaimed announcements that he’s a pop artist through music and shit, because everyone knows if you call yourself a pop artist, people will believe you’re one, but the real truth is that his art died the second he made his first album, now he’s just some mainstream, pop, Daft Punk rip off artist, milkin it for all he can while losing his fucking perspective and slowly diving into insanity and the day he takes his shit that he’s been taking so seriously to heart and ends up jumping off a fuckin’ building, or Kurt Cobaining himself.

He’s not pushing boundaries, he’s just a broken down motherfucker and I think it’s gotta do with God taking his momma away, but maybe it’s time for his friends to intervene, but I am pretty sure he doesn’t have any, he’s just got employees and people sucking up to him and that’s probably where the crazy started.

Here’s his performance.

I almost sold an ad deal to a sex toy company…but then it all fell apart…because nothing works out for me and I can never catch a fucking break. Here’s my last correspondence with the girl I was dealing with:

Hi Jesus,
 
I understand there has been some confusion around the issue of us advertising with you. Shortly after we last corresponded, I put in my notice. My last day is tomorrow (Wednesday). I have discussed advertising, and this is not something we would like to run with at this time. I would also like to add that a contract was never signed. We were merely in the negotiating stages. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I wrote back:

Yo,

A contract was not signed, but the last email you wrote me was:

Hi Jesus,
                         
That sounds perfect. What do we need to do to get started?
                         
Thanks,
                         

To me means we pretty much had an agreement. I am not very impressed with how you’ve handled, but good luck in your future project and I hope you have a nice collection of sex toys to bring home with you from this job, so that you can go fuck yourself.

Merry Thanksgiving, I know I won’t be giving thanks to you this week, and that’s got nothing to do with me being located in Canada, and everything to do with you stringing me along with your lies.

With Love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Ok, so I am not very good at ad sales or being diplomatic and not burning bridges, there’s a reason I am broke, but I am good at bringing you the biggest link list on the internet daily. Who needs money anyway, that shit always fucks people up and will just make me drink myself to death. I’m happy not making money.

I really should have broken these links into 2 posts, oh well, I suck at life, whatcha gonna do….I suggest drinking….

Here’s some throwback pictures of Rihanna at the AMAs a couple of days ago. I got into a fight with a friend because he told me how she’s gone to shit and I took it personal, not because I am the kind of guy who sits around on Xbox Live talking to other dudes about whether a celebrity is hot or not, because I’m not, I generally think they all fucking suck and I talk about them enough in a day to never talk about them again, since I never gave a fuck about this shit, proven in pretty much everything I write, but there’s just something about Rihanna. Maybe it’s got something to do with my plantation fetish, but I think it’s got more to do with her being the biggest thing in music and having a decent attitude about shit because she comes from poverty in the Islands and now she’s on top of her fuckin’ game, sure she’s thick, but when in some ridiculous fetish costume out of one of your Warrior Princess fantasies, her tits look like they are catching up to that dumpy ass, and I can only assume it’s pregnancy, it happens. They’re fertile, just roll through your local Wal Mart, you’ll see a whole lot of local Rihannas pushin’ their single mother strollers…..true story.

Everyone’s talking about how amazing Britney looks in these pictures for Rolling Stone. They’re all saying that she’s back, like she ever left and that she looks fit because her dumpy southern gut isn’t hanging over her pants and because she’s taken the time to shower, get made up and photoshopped in post production and all I see is some pretty fucking boring pictures of someone I wanted to fuck when she was 16, only 12 years older, 2 kids, a couple breakdowns and addictions, some saggy tit slips, a vagina slip or two, a shaved head episode and a marriage to some loser, divorce and custody battle with the same loser, and a whole lot more crazy shit than the bitch who once danced around in a school girl outfit asking to be hit, has polluted my life with her drama that I would have preferred she kept to her fucking self.

I am only posting them as proof that the media is lying to you, she’s not back, she never went anywhere and we can’t bring back the Britney we all wanted to fuck, because it defies science, but you can youtube search some of her old videos to remember, because anything is better than this boring shit.

Megan Fox was out in some American Apparel lookin’ dress that girls around here wear out to bars, but she’s doing it in broad daylight. Another more embarrassing thing she’s doing in broad daylight, being seen in public with David from 90210. Sure they are in love, they are a couple, he fucks her, but that’s the kind of shit you pretend doesn’t go on, because as addicted to his cock as you are, you know that he’s a fucking joke and jokes are meant to be kept on bootycall at 4 am after being overserved at the bar. You know the fat chick, the one-legged chick, the midget, or the high functioning chick you’ve been fucking all these years, but won’t introduce her to your family and friends because you have some fucking dignity and you are embarrassed that you lowered yourself to that, you feel weak and controlled by your penis, like Megan Fox is controlled by David from 90210 and probably believes that he’s so fuckin’ down, and so fucking cool, and so fucking trendy, and so fucking bad that it makes her pussy drip and that’s why she’s gone so far as to get shitty lookin’ tattoos to fit in with him, because she’s one of those girls who just really doesn’t know what’s up, and in her mind is living her dream, because she used to wish she was Tori Spelling when lying in bed feeling her teenage pussy to see if it’s sprouted hair yet..and she’s hanging with the wrong fucking crowd, like all those hot girls you see dancing on tables for dudes in Ed Hardy, convinced that they are rollin’ in style, with people who know what’s up, but in reality are just embarrassing themselves and your challenge is to break them free from that to believe you’ve got what they want, which may be hard, because most girls don’t like 3 inch cocks and stamp collections.

I am sure she’ll eventually open her eyes, even if it’s too late and she’s already open her legs for him, but who really cares, it’s not like any of us have to deal with her on any level more than jerking off to her, not that I would do that because she’s overrated, but because you do and I was trying to make you feel better about yourself…

Tila Tequila was at the Pussycat Doll event and like all girls wanted to be the center of attention in the room. You know how competitive women are, it’s some primitive animal instinct, where they try to be the bitch the stud decides to fuck, knock up so she can live her life purpose of procreation out, or some shit. So when the event is for a group of sluts, girls have to step the game up, slip into some lingerie, bondage gear, fetish shit, because it is the only way they will get noticed amongst the competition, even though every one in attendance, like Parish Hilton or Bai Ling, are the kind of girls you’d expect to walk in on getting fucked in the back alley, bathroom, dancefloor, VIP room, taxi on the way home, bedroom, and pretty much anywhere there is a hard penis, or phallic shaped object around. You know how the Pussycat dolls are, they like to keep it classy.

There was a time many years ago, when I ended up at a gay bar because I was into drugs, and that’s where the drugs were free. Not because I was hustlin’ dudes, because the truth is that every time I went out to one of these parties, I’d have lower self esteem than I went in with, because gay dudes will fuck anything, but they wouldn’t fuck me, but I was too wasted to really care, and if the guys were coming onto me, I would have probably not had as much fun as I had.

The good thing about gay bars is the fag hags, you know the kind of girl who either tries to pretend she’s fabulous, like some socialite with her gay man entourage, who pretends to be fashionable and superficial and shit, but who insecure as shit, and that’s why she’s running this whole act to begin with and she’s just sad she’s not getting any attention at the bar and just wants to get her pussy licked by her bff fag she wishes wasn’t a fag and who she spends all that time with, in hopes he’ll slip up, but that’s not going to happen, so when she’s drunk enough she settles for someone like me, because it’s a numbers game and I’m in the fuckin’ lead…..

Either way, I used the lady’s room, because the men’s room was a fuckin’ sex pit of sinning disgustingness and always smelled like shit, and I just didn’t need to get raped by some guy who was a little too caught up in the moment. So as I am waiting for a stall to piss in, this tall asian in a thong and lingerie walks out, and I’m thinking that I can get used to this shit…before realizing she was really a he….and I have a feeling in a few years, we’ll find out the Bai Ling was a he all along and here he is at a Pussycat Doll event dressed as classy as he gets….

Here’s a whole lot of shit going on in the forum, some of it may seem illegal, but some lawyer told me that I am safe, since I am not the one hosting/posting the shit, so if you like hanging with internet white collar criminals and maybe even some sex offenders, virgins and creeps, you’ll like the stepFORUM, I am just kidding, creep, sex offender ’round these parts….unfortunately not a virgin though, wish I was when I look back on the pussy I’ve landed though, so I guess it counts…

Go to the stepFORUM….