So Eddie Murphy’s busted out his guitar on what looks like his yacht for a couple of white girls who probably feel like they’ve won the lottery because Eddie Murphy chose them out of a line of prostitutes to be his vacation buddies. All they have to do is laugh at his jokes and make him feel like he’s still in his funny prime, before all those Nutty Professor and Meet the Krumps bullshits came out. Nothing wrong with using your money to make friends and alienate pussy, I’m pretty sure I’d be doin’ the fuckin same, instead, I am planning my New Years Eve night to involve drinking this 40 of vodka in hopes of passing out alone before midnight, because tonight is the most over-rated party night of the year and I’d rather save myself for tomorrow when all the cunts who went out tonight will be at home hungover and crying about how shitty their night was despite all the high hopes we had.

If I had a TV, I’d be ringing in the New Year with you Ryan Seacrest because we are soulmates I’d love to murder-suicide in a fit of passion. True story…

and here’s a closer look at the girls and their asses…

The real reason I hate breast implants is because the girls who get them change their mousy attitudes into something I find annoying. They become the Spring Break college girl who I hate, and their new found confidence is irritating for a guy who likes girls who have no confidence. I don’t like the new found attention they get over a set of tits and I don’t like that they get addicted and keep getting refills like shit was Subway, and end up looking like robots with hardened silicone busting out of the seams to match their usually hardened face, but every once in a while a Lisa Rinna comes along with her plastic surgery addicted face and her set of fake tits that I guess she’s kept hanging for a bunch of years, cuz shit aren’t offensive and almost look like they’d be good enough to take a nap on and by nap I mean titty fuck…..now all she’s gotta do is lift that melting ass and she’d be a half decent 50 year old plastic piece of shit.

If you’re wondering why Jay Z cheated on Beyonce with Rihanna inspiring her “if I was a boy” song, here’s your answer…She’s got a pretty shitty body. Now, for those of you who like thick women, don’t get mad at me, because even she knows that Popeye Chicken lifetime supply sponsorship from 5 years ago was a bad idea, otherwise she wouldn’t be swimming in her fucking dress and prancing around with something covering her dumpy ass, like the fat teenage girls in my high school did when we had an activity day at the water park and they insisted on wearing their T-Shirts. Their reasoning was to protect their fragile pasty white skin from the sun it never saw because they were too busy spending the summer inside eating, but we all knew they were just trying to avoid the shame from our pointing, laughing and disgust.

Sure, the only rippling my body has going for it is when I jump and shit jiggles, but I’m not the one getting paparazzi pictures taken of me, so maybe this bitch should try out an eating disorder in 2009, despite the low blood sugar fits of rage, the possible heart failure and the weakness and discomfort, it could be good for her marriage and more importantly, in her quest to take on Rihanna in the fight for her husband’s penis and the public’s acceptance.

Bonus – here she is getting a tan, even though I already thought she had one of those….

I have a new New Year’s Resolution. That’s to always post my stepLINKS 4 days late to confuse you fuckers. Also on the list, cheat on my wife at least twice as much as I have this year, to make a bigger mockery of our marriage. I’d also like to spend a week eating nothing but cheese and I want to volunteer at a mental institution and switch up the meds to see how that pans out. I got so many things on the list and thanks to my lack of ambition, I’ll just keep living my life like I was Rihanna featuring T.I.

Mike Lohan wrote me an email, I won’t bother responding because it’s boring, but he did call me Lucifer

Wow what venom and what a dark soul. For your information Lucifer…

Her went on some rant about his life that I didn’t bother reading because I don’t give a fuck, but I admit that I liked that he called me Lucifer. Pretty big accomplishment when shit comes from a Born Again….

Now here are some more links cuz they cover my ass when I am sitting by the pool and by pool I mean my wife’s epileptic dog’s vomit in the corner of the room she didn’t clean up because she was all concerned he had a seizure, which is understandable….because he’s so cute.

Let’s hope next time around they cut the brake line…..but only if that works in causing serious enough car accidents that bitch disappears. I like when the guy I assume is Cash “Vagina Destroyer” Warren tries to muscle the paparazzi and gets shoved when he grabs at a camer and runs away with his tail between his legs like a little girl. I mean they break your car and when you try to tough guy them because you’re so fucking angry and can’t stomach the idea of sending your assistant to use 200 dollars of your millions of dollars to fix the shit, they shove you and make you run to your car and back to you cushy fuckin’ life, kinda like pouring salt on a wound and by pouring salt on a wound I mean prove you have a vagina. Good times.

I don’t know this girl Muffy is, but if you like black girls and want to see them dancing around in their underwear, workout wear, hanging in the bath while singing about how you shouldn’t hate her because her diamonds are “hella rocky” and some other useless shit, this video will give you something to jerk off to.

I was sent these hacked pictures of Chelsy Davy and no one gave a fuck. She’s the girl who’s been using her vagina to get to into the Royal Family in England because the throne hasn’t been overthrown yet, not that they have any real power, but for some reason these pictures of her and her weak chin with her ginger pubed prince are making the rounds and I figured I’d throw them up like I care, kinda like she gets up on top and acts like she cares everytime she has sex with the motherfucker, in hopes that that shit will lead to a motherfucking ring, fairy tale wedding and the official title of Princess, because her rich dad telling her that she’s one by spending all his “hard” earned money from running African Safaris on her to keep her out of his hair up in boarding school, just isn’t good enough….

Girls like this are just too high maintenance.

I heard Ed Hardy’s designer/founder and very rich motherfucker doesn’t let his wife wear his Ed Hardy bikini and throws her in this Gucci shit because it ruins his marketing image of strippers, porn sluts and tacky club sluts with fake tits shoving Magnums of Grey Goose up their dried up coke slut cunts….the truth is that although she’s not very tight bodied or worth fucking, despite being worht half of his fortune, I am just surprised she doesn’t have a dick because nothing screams “I take it up the ass” like a french accent and a name like “Christian Audigier” and a job making the loudest fuckin’ T-shirts around. Seriously, maybe he should be the one in the fuckin’ bikini.

So close to 50% of people would give up sex if it mean keeping the internet. I guess that means it’s here to stay. I guess it’s good news for all of you too, because the girls who were willing to answer such a stupid fucking survey were all World of Warcraft players on a break and have never had sex anyway, so keep them in their fat chick basements is what I say. I know that I have yet to find a hot chick who uses the internet and I am convinced shit’s like it was back in 1996 and every girl I talk to is a 45 year old dude, just waiting to break the news to me after they convince me to jerk off on camera for them. I guess information like this also makes you feel better about the fact that the only sex you have ever had was masturbating to some porn site and now you know you’re not alone or some shit.

It is New Year Eve in a few hours which means another year over, another year that I haven’t changed, that I haven’t accomplished shit, that I’m probably worse off than the year before which means that in a few hours, I’ll have another year behind me filled with disappointment and shame and a new one to fuck up and look back on in a year to say the same fucking thing. My resolution right now is to eat more bad foods, drink more alcohol, take up cigarettes again and most importantly get as many girls naked as possible, only to be disappointed every single time they say no. I also plan on running on China time, not because I am in China but because I set all my clocks to China time and I plan on sticking to it, that’s why I am eating breakfast right now…I am sure I have more but I just haven’t bothered looking at my motherfucking notes,

The stepFORUM is still alive, so I figured I’d give you an update on what’s going on there to close out the year.

I’ve been thinking about what Mike Lohan said to me and maybe he’s right, maybe I am a bad person, so I seeked spiritual guidance at my local brothel and bitch let me suck her pussy. Now that I’ve found something to believe in, I can bring back the goods and here are my links from last night, 24 hours late, motherfuckers…and unfortunately for you, I’m not dead…

Lohan’s dad’s started up a blog of some sort and sent out a release to a bunch of sites, mine not included, so I took it upon myself to email him stating I have the best site and should be on his email list, not that it makes any difference to me, considering he’s a fucking nobody and this is what he wrote to me:

From: Mike Lohan
Subject: Re: wtf
Date: December 29, 2008 3:10:14 PM GMT-05:00
To: info@drunkenstepfather.com

The “best one”???? Are you kdding? IThe reason I have my website is because of people like you.
How can you say such disgusting and horrible things about people. Nevertheless Lindsay.
Let me tell you something Buid, you need to seriuosly look at your heart and thank God that I will only fight for charity. If I didn’t have so much to look forward to in life and for God, I might just look you up. That’s my daughter you are saying such digusting things about, and whether we have differnces or not, she is still my flesh and blood. Watch your step and your mouth!
maybe you should seek some spiritual guidance. 

My response….because he’s a fucking child….and spells like a fucking child….

Mike,

I see where your daughter gets her emotional instability from. Not only did you rob her of a childhood, but you also robbed her of a paternal figure. Why do you think she was rumored to have had so many illicit relationships with men, why do you think she’s now a lesbian. Daddy issues. You fucking suck as a parent and I can only assume as a person.

So don’t tell me what I say is disgusting or spiritually void. I do satire, comedy, sure it’s at the expense of others, sure it’s not tasteful or classy, sure no one finds it funny but me, but I go to bed, knowing that the only life I’ve ruined has been my own and not a helpless little girl I brought into the world, who had talent, potential and the opportunity that you destroyed.

I hope for her sake, she stays as far away possible from you and your self indulgence, your self destruction, your sociopathic behavior, your total disregard to anything human and more importantly you exploitative ways. You’re a fucking hypocrite trying to throw got down my throat, where was god when you were cheating on your family making bastard babies you won’t parent, where was god when you were drinking yourself and going to fucking jail.

Keep trying to ride her wave and claim you found Jesus you fucking cunt, when we all know you’re just a useless piece of shit who is better off hanging from the fucking rafters of the attic of his home his daughter sold her soul to buy for him.

Get some fucking perspective you fucking pig of a person, and stop crying for attention like you did to your daddy when you were a child and when your daddy and everyone around you liked everyone else but you.

Maybe you should get back on the coke you used to use your daughter’s money to buy, maybe that will distract you from always trying to be in the media, because the prescription pills you’re and you’re already going to hell, so sort it the fuck out, cocksucker.

So, what’s it like whoring out your daughter? Is it what I’ve always dreamt it would be? And for the record, you’re daughter is one of my best friends, she just doesn’t know it yet.

I hope your website fails, like everything else in your useless life has. Welcome to my world.

That said, maybe we can work together. Your first assignment is to send me some hot nude pics of Dina. Thanks in advance.

PS – Nice Rolex, you pay for that shit yourself? Or did Mean Girls cover that one, you pansy ass turtleneck, cellphone belt attachment, Seifeld lookin’ motherfucker.

PPS – I know you, Lindsay and Samantha are all in this together for media attention, negative publicity, and I just bit the bait. Fuck you for that.

ppps – Real men don’t read gossip sites, what’s that say about you? Maybe that you’re not a real man? Maybe that your daughter learned about vaginas by accidentally walking in on you while you were taking a shower.

pppps – this is getting boring….

With Love, 
Jesus Martinez
Drunkenstepfather.com
————————————–

And that was the end of that….

Vladislav Doronin is some Russian Real Estate Billionaire. I didn’t know Russian Billionaires existed. Maybe he’s Russian Mob. I know they exist, one of them showed me his gun once while I worked as a valet where he parked his mom’s shitty car. I am guessing he wasn’t some Russian Billionaire, but probably the lowest on the fucking ladder, but at least he had a gun and a pony tail.

But I guess during the fall of communism a whole lot of people came out on top, maybe by buying the land off the government to make non-communist buildings, like for stores and restaurants and shit like that and by the looks of this dude he probably built his first couple buildings with his teeth.

Naomi Campbell managed to bag him because as you know, being a cunt who thinks she’s a fucking princess, landing a billionaire is the only thing she doesn’t already have and the only thing she can’t afford and is the way she’ll ever be satisfied. You know, for a cunt who’s got everything and a whole lot of money, the last thing on the list was a billionaire to make her cunt complete and like my friend down the street who needed a wife, she went to Russia, because I guess that’s where you go to find mates, his wasn’t a billionaire though, she was some ragged looking prostitute who didn’t shower and didn’t look like the picture he chose out of the catalog and when she got here wasn’t much of a wife, because everyone got a chance to fuck her, even me!

Either way, the only way I could understand why a Russian Billionaire would bother getting with this bitch, not only is she old and tired and not even a model anymore, but she’s got a history of being fucking crazy, and for someone who could go for any currently active model, celebrity, or everyday girl, or multiple everyday girls, or multiple celebrities, or multiple models, there’s no explanation for this.

Maybe all that money has made him hate himself for the things he did to get there, or maybe he’s fucking crazy, or maybe she reminds him of some dictator or leader who issued the rationed bread in his one room home his family of 12 grew up in where they’d share cabbage soup and a potato they baked on a government issued candle before tending to the fields or sleeping in a puddle of water in the middle of winter, where his boss would whip him and throw oxen feces at his face because he didn’t work fast enough, but I don’t really know either of them so I can’t be the judge of why they are together, maybe it’s love, I think it’s got more to do with a sadistic need to have an uncontrollable wife, but I can say having two beach boys in speedos tending to your needs is pretty fucking gay…

Here are those pics…

Here’s a video of Lohan getting into a car after getting her haircut. Yep. My life is this pathetic. Actually, it gets even worse than this…I mean why the fuck would anyone give a shit about seeing Lohan getting in a fucking car if her tits aren’t out, her pussy isn’t demonstrating stunts, or she’s not ripping fucking lines while drinking a bottle of vodka and dancing on the fucking bar.

So Salma Hayek smokes unlit cigarettes outside when she pushes her baby in a stroller, or pretends to cuz the cameras are there and doesn’t want to look like a mexican treating a motherfucker like a mexican, and I have a feeling this is going to be big news on those shitty tabloid shows that pollute your TV at 7 pm, more than unlit cigarettes pollute little babies. I seriously hated the dramatic performances that health addict hypocrites would make everytime I lit up in a non-smoking section, before they changed the fucking law because they health addict hypocrites don’t shut the fuck up, like you used to fuck up my meals. But the truth is that the air in NYC or LA is worse that the air of an unsmoked cigaretter 5 feet away from a kid, the pesticides in foods, and the vaccines that cause autism, also worse than an unlit cigarette. A molesting uncle, a bitter divorce, a broken home, even a public school education or a mother who pumps too much money into its hand to avoid having to spend time with it, is also worse than an unlit cigarette, polluted water is also worse than unlit cigarettes, so stop being fucking pussies. When I was this kid’s age I was fucking smoking already, and when I wasn’t, I was in vans and other closed window places with people who were smoking, and nothing happened to me. And the important thing is to remember what this kid did to Hayek’s body, and how he ruined the sloppy shit she had going for her, by making it more sloppy and deserves a to die or at least suffer a little, maybe with some pediatric cancer…..and I make that joke okay by saying I donated 2 dollars to the Kid’s Wish Foundation at the pharmacy earlier today. I have a cardboard star to prove it.