I have a drinking problem. I can go a day or two without drinking, but the second I have a chance to pour whatever the fuck I can down my throat I take it. Last week was one of those nights, and it turns out that I got a little messy. I was told earlier today that I went up to a random girl, lifted up her skirt, slapped her ass, asked her about her hipster bush, and told her obviously angry boyfriend that I was going to kill him. I don’t know if that really happened, but it seems like a pretty insane story that no one would just make up to fuck with you, but I really have no memory of this shit, but I can say it is both my proudest moment and a pretty humiliating moment, so to the girl i molested, don’t blame me, blame my alcoholic gene.

Here are my links for the day….

Here’s a picture to end my afternoon, hoping that it makes all of you never want to kiss any other living thing again. Not that kissing is a real option, you prostitute budget never gets you the Girlfriend Experience, it’s all Pretty Woman for you, no mouth to mouth action on the motherfucker, but when you see Osbourne kissing some Sam Ronson lookin’ motherfucker, who she’s actually going to be marrying, you realize that maybe it’s better off that way.

There was a time where I’d find dressing my girlfriend like a 14 year old girl hot, you know in the school uniform, that she wore just a few years earlier, that she’d jump on my dick wearing and calling me her dirty teacher/pricipal/janitor/whatever she was vibing on, but that was before all 14 year old girls started dressing like fucking emo skateboard dudes, in stupid t-shirts and all over print hoodies, with lame tattoos and lip rings, and asymmetrical faggot haircuts, you know because dressing up your girl like one of those may make you a creepy fag into twinks, and not so into dressing your girl like your wholesome teenage fantasy.

So seeing Avril Lavigne, just reminds me of Halloween or Role Playing or other similar shit that is not as hot as either of those things, but at least she’s drunk, because it helps you visualize draggin’ her out of the club by her hair, you know holdin’ it down like a rapist.

PETA usually does some naked protests and I’ve been following the shit as much as I can being someone who has no real interest in animal rights, because I have a dog and everyday I struggle with not leaving the back door open, or maybe leaving his collar just a little too fucking loose, so that maybe he just happens to escape and you know disappear because he kinda holds me back from doing all thing things I like doing, like not wake up at 6 in the fucking morning to feed his mooch ass.

I like the publicity stunts, because I like naked lesbians, since it’s hard to see naked lesbians outside of activism, you know since the word on the street is that I have a penis, and even if it’s a little penis, it’s still not a penis a lesbian is willing to pretend is a vagina, if you know what I mean.

Today, I was let down, there was know hippie bush, there was no lesbian nipple ring, there was just a bunch of assholes pretending to be slaughtered seals, something my Inuit/Eskimo homeboys, would probably take offense too, because baby seal meat is their steak and seal fur is pretty fuckin’ luxurious.

I think the biggest joke on TV right now is that this Shawn Johnson dude has a fuckin’ stalker. It’s like not only is the dude stalking her crazy enough to stalk a motherfucker hard enough to get arrested, but he’s also got no fucking taste.

It is always one of life’s great fucking tragedies when a crazy person, some passionate enough to not fear outcome, don’t have the fuckin’ insight to use that crazy properly, and waste it on girls like Shawn Johnson. You know, because he could have been arrested for stalking any fucking girl in the world, and he chose her. Very upsetting….

I guess Pam Anderson took some time out for herself to scoop all the drying random cum out of her pussy, so that when she met this new guy, he could get his dick inside her. I know the thought of scooping random cum out of her pussy probably turns you on, but I used to take a girl who used to fuck guys behind my back because I was too busy not giving a fuck about her, and every night she’d come home to me and we’d fuck. At first I’d wonder why her tits were encrusted with what looked like dried cum, or once when I went down on her and found a condom hanging out of her, or there was the time I was fingering her and a wad of fucking cum dripped out of her, but it after a few months, I caught on.

Here they are at the beach….

I don’t know why everyone hates on Gisele for being a man, sure she may have a hard face, but would a man really wear lady jeans, I don’t think so. And would a man really marry some pro football player, everyone knows football players are straight as a fuckin’ arrow. They shower together and shove broomsticks in each other’s asses because they’re just that straight.

Here are her legs.

I got my first and only Mischa Barton tip. So I did what anyone with nothing better to do with themselves on a Monday night would do, I went hunting. I got my favorite safari outfit on and took my elephant gun off my rack and hit the streets going from bar to bar knowing I would find her and we’d live happily ever after. Unfortunately, fate had other plans for me, and I never ran into her, I just ran into some bullshit filming in a restaurant and I tried recruiting guys to expose themselves to the cast, to make them fuck their lines, since my penis isn’t big enough for impact and I’d just look like I was doing the mangina and I wasn’t ready for that humiliation. I guess the good news with hunting Mischa Barton was being forced to drink in every spot we walked into, leaving me drunk and happy by 4 am realizing I don’t need Mischa Barton to make my life complete, she’d probably be a pain in the ass self absorbed cunt anyway, I just need booze cuz that bitch never talks back to me.

Here’s some shit going on in the stepFORUM.

Jessica Biel, Bad Attitude
Jessica Biel’s Got a Shitty Attitude of the Day

Jessica Biel is a cunt. She is being a bitch to the paparazzi, despite living in fucking LA, dating some famous musician, and having a minor career of her own, and it makes no sense to me. We know she’s not on her period, because they haven’t got that far in modern sex change operations yet, but I guess it could be because of her hormonal imbalance from the hormone therapy….

….or maybe talking about her being a dude is getting tired and boring, and maybe we should just accept that she has a vagina, and that because of that vagina, she’s acting like this, becaus she’s a fuckin spoiled brat who is self absorbed and thinks the world revolves around her.

Not much hotter than seeing a fat pig of a woman buying 3 cartons of cigarettes, you know to smoke while sitting on her fat ass, thinking about the baby she could have had before having it aborted because it had fetal alcohol poisoning and was going to end up a flipper…..

Except seeing that fat pig of a woman buying In and Out Burger. She’s really living the good life, at least to the homeless people I know, like the guy who claimed he had a radio show out of town, and was just visiting for the night, but got mugged and is missing 20 dollars for a ticket home, and despite being in a stained jacket, unshaven and insane, felt really humiliated trying to beg for money for cigarettes and food, that dude would kill to be Lily Allen in these pictures.

You know when you park outside the ice cream shop in the beginning of summer, on a hot summer day, before the hot teen girls head off to camp, and watch them eat their ice cream, slowly licking it and sucking it and watching it drip down their chin, you know playing that shit over and over in slow motion in your head for the next couple of days, or until you muster up the energy and courage to get back there to watch it all over again, because you’re scared they’ll catch onto your dirty little secret, well, seeing Kim Kardashian trying to be sexy with a lollipop almost ruins that for me. She is a fucking pig.

I’ve spent many afternoons when I had nothing better to do, or even when I did have better things to do, sitting in or outside of an underwear store, you know window shopping, and by window shopping I mean following girls I wanted to fuck around to see what their little slut hands grabbed onto, because there is nothing hotter than watching them play out whether the sheer thong is going to make their ass look good and trying to figure out what they are planning on wearing it for, because even the most conservative girl has a naughty pair of panties, and I like to be the guy creepin on them when they buy it. The only mistake I’ve made with this hobby is overstaying my welcome and being banned from the store for offering my expert opinion or my help for trying anything on…

So seeing Jaime Pressly buying panties hits close to home and I like it.

Hustler is releasing some Star Trek themed porn and it made me laugh. Not because I ever watched Star Trek, but because you probably have. Sure these pictures don’t really represent what you’d expect to see on a pornset, something I’ve never really been on, unless you count the time I video taped some fat girl running away from my erect penis, but I don’t think you do.

My computer is running like fucking shit. I was going to say pure shit, but the idea of shit being anything but pure made me feel sick to my stomach, so while I sort this motherfucker out, here’s a little Holly Madison doing her bullshit Dancing With the Stars whore dance.

It was DJ AM’s birthday the other day and he went out for dinner with his girlfriend, American Apparel model I make fun of, because the only thing my wife ever modeled was a shit stained mattress for some art project I did when I took an adult ed course for my Welfare program. So everyone go wish him a happy birthday, I hit him up on Twitter, just to say “hey man, let’s laugh about all that mean shit I say about you, cuz it’s just jokes, and happy birthday, send me nudes of Jessica Stam, Cuz I know you have them”, and he just ignored me and I take that shit personal. I was trying to reach out, make good and use his birthday as a jump-off to a long lasting friendship, and he just shunned me and that would hurt if I had emotions.

I know, there’s no pussy in this post, but I am just wakin’ up and working on it. Relax you fucking pigs.