I hate the word Douche and Douchebag with a fucking passion. I don’t know why this shit got picked up so aggressively the last couple of years because people have been saying it a long time. The only really experience I have with douche bags is when I worked at a Pharmacy and some old fucking lady came up to me and asked where she could find the 3 Gallon douche bags. I didn’t really know how to react so I took her big vagina to the douche section and could only find her the 1/2 gallon douche bag. She was furious and I said she could just use the half gallon one 12 times and she wasn’t impressed.

Either way, I accidentally dropped the word douche this weekend for the first time, because I guess I am like you and easily influenced by the media and people around me, and when I realized that shit came out of my mouth, I wanted to kill myself.

Speaking of suicide, here are some pictures of Kim Kardashian celebrating her birthday with her tits at Les Deux in Los Angeles. I don’t know how old she is, but another year older means another year closer to death, and let’s face it she might as well just speed up the process because she’s a waste of fucking space and that would only prove she’s not too stupid to realize it. But I do like watching her blow out her candles on her cakes that are even more obnoxious that she is even though it’s not as exiting as her blowing black men, but it’s good enough for monday morning entertainment.

Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 21st birthday out of rehab with her friends and coke addicted mom in a bikini, when I was in rehab i was told to stay away from the enablers or old friends that didn’t want to make the same changes in their life as I had. It meant dropping everyone I knew and partied with but I guess that rule doesn’t apply when the bitch who fed you cocaine when you were a teenager was your mom. The biggest supporter of the drug was the person you turned to for life advice. I don’t have proof of that shit, but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Either way, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree or whatever that expression is, so it’s safe to say that Lohan has a life of addiction ahead of her, but so do most of us, unfortunately not all of us look have as much money as her for the shit to not ruin our lives. We also aren’t as good lookin’ as she is when she does it. It’s not that I think Lohan is hot but she’s hotter than you and even though that’s not saying much it’s saying something.

I remember I had a friend who got his mom hooked on meth with him. He was doing it for about a year until she caught him doing it and freaked the fuck out. He told her that it was diet medicine and before you could say “bust out the pipe” this middle aged suburban woman was smoking meth with him. The dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t complain when the house was cleaner than it ever was, her body was thinner than it was when they married, there was always big feasts cooked and dude felt like he had a new lease on life and on his marriage. He had never been happier until she emptied the bank account and ran off with her drug dealer. My friend ended up going to rehab, getting back on track, landed a good job and a wife and shit but never heard from his mother again, she’s probably sucking dick on the streets near you, so next time you hire a 60 year old drug addicted whore, you can thank him for hookin’ you up, because if she never did meth with him 10 years ago, she’d never be taking your load on her face.

I guess that’s a pretty sad story, but them’s the breaks.

Bonus

So this bitch is a porn star and since pornstar lives consist of getting fucked up and getting fucked, you’d think it’d be a good time. I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t invited. I never get invited to much but a few years ago when working at some porn company in the stock room packing boxes the whole company was invited to one of their launch parties. I remember thinking it was going to be a big deal where I would witness live sex and other dirty things, but it turned out the star of the movie was knocked up by the other star of the movie because they loved fucking each other so much they decided to start a relationship up or some shit. I guess it’s one of those things where since they both work in the porn industry they both can’t get jealous that the other one fucked someone else all day. But I am thinking that there’s really no point of a relationship when you get all the sex you need. I know that when I was a janitor, I never cleaned my house. When I was a gardener, I never mowed my lawn, when I worked in the kitchen of a restaurant, I never ate restaurant food, so if I was a porn star, I probably wouldn’t fuck after work hours.

It really doesn’t matter because my penis doesn’t work and when it did work it was too small to do porn, but I’ve decided that I hate porn chicks. They are too easy and trashy and have fake tits they like showing off. They don’t fuck like real people fuck and they fake orgasms and can’t act. I am way more into subtle sluts who keep the craziness for behind closed doors because that’s what amateur ex girlfriend porn is made of…and not by crying for attention everywhere they go….