I just finished saying that I didn’t care what a bitch looked like, just as long as she was in a bikini…well I want to take that statement back…cuz I know that what happened was I was so excited by all the ridiculously hot pussy…that when the ugly bitches walked by I didn’t even notice them..and if I did….I was so excited by the hot pussy that I was pretty willing to finger their assholes with my tongue…

Cuz when ugly pussy is alone, in a “Me against the pool” party….it’s hardly something you want to mount like an animal in the fucking jungle….but instead…it is something you’d rather want to erase from your memory…espeically when it is in picture…something hardly jerk off-able…but the good news is that this in the fucking internet and you’ve got yourself some google to take care of your pervert needs…pervert.

She might as well been modeled sitting in her bed eating a tub of ice cream crying cuz her boyfriend left her. I always say instead of wrapping the emotional eating up in spandex, embrace and expose it….

You’d think out of respect they’d slim her down to the point everyone would say “Shit, look how great they made her look” instead “hey look they turned her into a fast food restaurant clerk dresses as Alicia Keys as an action figure on halloweeen”……

Not that I actually care, I just find it funny. What an amazing joke on the part of Madame Tisasss….This is something I’d do in the DrunkenStepfather Wax Museum of Sluts that currently lives in the furnace room and is strictly reserved for me to fuck.

I have a lot in common with Alicia Keys’ personal chef….and that’s that before these pictures we just assumed she was always pregnant.It was the only explanation for the outrageous amounts of food she’s been eating all these years, making it safe to assume she was eating for two, and we just didn’t take the time to realize that the other person Alicia Keys was feeding was her sloppy legs and ass….

Don’t get me wrong, I love fat black women, I mean there’s a reason Aunt Jamima syrup sells so well, it brings comfort, comfort I’ve been trying to recreate by spending a lifetime of trying to bed big women to try to get that feeling again, but they don’t taste syrupy good, or smell like warm cooked country breakfast…they taste and smell like shit…but in my defense, I really only got with fat chicks when no one else would take me, and that’s how I stupidly married one….

And what it all comes down to is that pregnant or not, I have never found Alicia Keys hot, worth wanting to fuck, so seeing her in a bikini pregnant or just fat in a bikini is all the same kinda boring….and just reminds me that bitch should keep the fat women off the beach and on Jerry Springer talking about having sex for a cheeseburger where they belong.

Pics via Bauer

I’d say that I keep on falling in and out of love with Alicia Keys, but that would be a lie. I never loved the bitch, it’s just the only thing I think of when I hear her name because that’s pretty much where her career started and finished for me, since I wrote her the fuck off when I realized she was not hot and that her voice was annoying. Sure, I get that she rode Bill Cosby’s leg when she was a kid , forcing him to pull some strings for her, otherwise she was taking it to the police….So when everyone got excited about this hairy chested thing…I just kinda laughed it off, but today these pictures of her in a bikini are far less offensive than I’d expect. Maybe it’s the angle, maybe I wrote her off too soon, maybe I just have no standards or taste and here are the pics.

Here she is in some bullshit one-piece – lookin like a goddess provided you don’t have any taste.

Pics via Bauer

The hottest part of this video is when Alicia Keys falls on her face, not totally because I hate her, but because I like seeing stuggle on a bitches face, especially when she’s got an ego and things she’s untouchable like Alicia Keys does. She’s fucking everywhere now, pushing this album hard, collaborating with every artist, appearing on every talk show, and now releasing bikini videos to the internet, let’s just hope these bikini videos turn in getting gang banged in the tour bus, cuz I don’t trust a girl until I know what her vagina looks like and even then I don’t trust them, but at least know what their vagina looks like, which is better than not knowing what their vagina looks like, cuz otherwise I’ll just always wonder…if ya know what I mean…

Here is a video of Alica Keys from the Cosby Show. I actually remember this scene from back then because I found it pretty creepy, but obviously forgot it until seeing this video. I just assumed the girl went onto a career of prostitution or stripping, dealing with the emotional trauma of being molested by Bill Cosby…you know his J-E-L-L-O all up in her but instead she grew up to be Alicia Keys…

This would never get on TV today…probably a good thing….or maybe sad that a man can’t innocently slap a kids ass without getting called a pervert when it’s really harmless…despite Cosby totally fitting the molester profile….from being a kid educator….to having shows about kids in order to be around kids…but I guess it doesn’t matter….

I was with a guy this weekend who wanted to sew his girlfriend’s pussy shut because he was going out of town for a week, he actually showed me a print-out on how to do the stitches that he found in some medical journal, his only concern was that when he was away, she’d cheat on him with a doctor, who could re-stitch her up and he wouldn’t be the realzing that her shit was tampered with, so I spent an hour listening to him craft a signature knot no one would pick up on but him..not that Alicia Keys has to worry about that because I hear she has testicles, but for some reason insists on wearing a woman’s bikini….I’ll never really grasp this cross dressing shit, but I will suck on cross-dressin’ tits, or get cross-dressing blowjobs, but only if I’m drunk and don’t realize a dick’s attached. True story.

My wife told me i am getting fat and that when I walk, my tits bounced. I asked her if she’s looked in the mirror over the last 5 years, because she’s so fucking fat, she’s got tits growing on the back of her fuckin’ knees. She then told me that she was at a friend’s house watching Oprah and they said that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your cock. That way when I fuck her, maybe I’ll be able to make it past her labia and she’ll feel something. I told he that her fat herpes ridden pussy is the last thing I want to make it into and that I am going to go out and try to gain another 60 pounds so that I don’t even have a penis anymore because that’s what she fucking does to me, she started to cry, but not as loud as Alicia Keys’ piano stool, she looks heavy and I assume shit is reinforced, otherwise it’d be trying to kill itself by breaking in half. Here are some pics of her thick legs performing recently because you’ll take what you can get.

Looks like Alicia Keys, who was reportedly a marathon runner has hung up her running shoes and committed herself to her piano and by piano I mean extra-large double cheese pizza. I had more respect for this girl when I thought her last name was actually Keys, thinking how crazy a coincidence it was. But it turns out that it’s just some kind of nickname thatshe gave herself that happens to be a lot more appealing than Large Fry Thighs.

I wonder if I’d be more successful if I changed my name was Jesus Useless Guy On the Internet, since it would let people know what they are singing up for, but the flow just isn’t as cool as “Keys”, but that’s not my fault, I’m not black.

I also had more respect for her before finding out she came from money and had actual music lessons and training, I was a little more accepting to her obesity when I thought she taught herself the piano playing a chalk drawing of a piano in the projects, it just makes for a better heartwarming story on Oprah.

Either way, some of you find her hot, I’m just posting these to try to drill it into you that she probably is, because carrying that load around is tough on her body and she just can’t seem to stop sweating.

A lot of people seem to love Alicia Keys. I always thought it was the girl can sing and that was the extent of it but it turns out that guys actually want to fuck her. Here she is wearing one of the tightest dresses I’ve ever seen her in and her tits look like man breasts, the kind of breasts you find on small breasted fat chick, which is a disorder I’ve never fully grasped because how can you be fat everywhere but your tits because tits are what fat chicks are good for, even if they are disgusting. I am not saying the Alicia Keys is fat though, she thick but has nothing on the fat chicks I’ve got with in my time except for maybe the fact that I don’t find her hot but would still fuck her because i like sex.

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards because they are a waste of fucking time, even though every acceptance speech is about how shit changes lives, but unfortunately my life wasn’t one of those lives changed today, because I don’t own a TV, but if I did, I’d be living the fuckin’ dream and I am pretty sure I’d be watching scrambled porn, not because I like porn, but because distorted blue and green sex scenes excite me more than Dick Clark’s bullshit award show.

I tried getting someone in LA to crash red carpet for this event for stepTV, but I have no real pull, I couldn’t get press access and security’s a bitch, not to mention the dude I know in LA doesn’t have a camera and can barely speak english, but it still would have been better coverage than the actually award show, but that’s just like comparing a hot girl to some fat one night stand you once brought home when drunk because she was willing and you are an opportunist who doesn’t turn down a girl when she offers you creampie, unfortunately when you got back to her place, you realized that by creampie bitch actually meant a cream pie and you sat there eating whip cream and watching reruns of Seinfeld, because that’s all that was on at 4 am, until you sobered up and had to peace the fuck out because you realized that her elastic waistband on her sweat pants wasn’t something that could really get you off and for the record stepTV is that fat chick because it’s lower quality but makes for a better fuckin’ story.

I am recovering from binge drinking like a sorority girl during Homecoming week, and I don’t remember all that much of the last two nights, but I do know I laughed a lot so if you’re lucky I’ll bring some of that to you here, it happens sometimes, just not in this post.

Here are the arrival pictures from the AMAs.

Beyonce’s Got Some Insane Cleavage Going On….I Guess Someone’s Been Eating Her Fried Chicken

Alicia Keys Did Some Choreographed Dance Routine I Didn’t Understand

Amanda Bynes Got Some Fucking Legs

Ashley Tisdale is Hot Right Now, Like a Busted Old Pick-Up Truck In Your Front Lawn on a Hot Summer’s Day…

Avril Lavigne Dressed Like an Academy Award, If Academy Awards Had Stupid Hair

Some Carrie Underwood Wearing Curtains

Jennie Garth Dancing With Her Old Face…Which She Thinks is a Star…But Really Isn’t

Rihanna in Some Halloween Costume Shit Still Lookin’ Hot…

Vanessa Hudgens Because We’ve All Seen Her Naked and I Like to Show Love To Bitches Who Get Naked….

Fergie because Her Body is Too Good to be a Man

Nicole Scherzinger Because Her Dress Reminds Me of This Retarded Kids Art Project But Less Attractive….

Kellie Pickler Because We Like to Support Her Fake Tits

Miley Cyrus Because She’s Jailbait and has the Coolest Fuckin’ Father to Ever Grace the Radio With His Fucking Annoying Song….

I am all for girls rocking cleavage shirts because I am a pervert and this site has given me a keen eye for spotting nipple slips. I was standing outside a bar, hoping a drunk guy who came out for a cigarette and accidentally drop his wallet the other day, and a group of hot chicks walked out with low cut shirts on, I guess it’s in style to show off your rack and I am not really complaining. One of them conveniently dropped something and when she went to pick it up her shirt dropped and I saw full fucking massive tit, while the other guys next to me missed it. It reminded me of when I was 12 and my foster mother used to come give me talks about God before I went to bed. She’d be in her night gown while I’d be lying in bed. She’d bend over to tuck me in, full tit exposed and I’d totally get a boner and jerk off to it the second she walked out. I always got scared that God was watching me, then I realized that if he was, he was a total pedophile and I might as well give him a good performance, because let’s face it, if I get him to get off when I was 12 only good things would be coming to me….I was wrong…

I am guessing that these celebrities are thinking the same thing, they are advertising their tits at some exclusive black tie event I wasn’t invited to, so that people like us fall into their booby trap…get it..I am so witty and that is good enough for you to start your day to….you’re welcome…

Jessica Simpson May Be Busted But Her Tits are Fucking Huge

Lohan May Be Distracting Us From Her Cocaine Video, But At Least She’s Doing it Properly, this shit will even get Disney to Sign Her Again

Salma Hayek is Pregnant and Full of Milk and That’s Pretty Much What I Wish All My Diet Consisted Of…

Jennifer Garner is Post-Pregancy and Her Tits Have Dried Up, But I’d Still Try To Get the Last Drops Out of Her

Rose McGowan has Always Had Hot Tits

Christina Ricci May Look Old and Beat Up and Her Tits May Have Been Reduced But She’s Still Packin’ Heat.

Scarlett Johannson Still Has Tits and I am Still Lookin’ At Them

Julianne Moore is the First Fire Crotch I Ever Saw in a Movie and Will Always Hold a Warm Place in My Heart for Proving that Myth Isn’t a Myth….

Rosario Dawson’s Tits Look Small But Small Titis are Tits Too…

Juliette Lewis is a Crackhead and Crackheads Don’t Have Tits, But She’s Still Trying…

I Don’t Really Give a Fuck About Mischa Barton But Whatever This is Still Cleavage…

Alicia Keys Has a Hairy Chest, So I Don’t Know If She Counts, But Even Men With Tits Count in Your World, Cuz You Are Desperate…

A few new ones…

I think Ivanka Trump Looks Awesome….I’d wallet-fuck her…

Karolina Kurkova Models Bikinis and I like Bikinis, Especially when they are on me, I feel so pretty…

Gisele isn’t with Victoria’s Secret Anymore, She’s Not a Hot as She Used To Be, But She Has Done A Lot in Her Panties and That Pretty Much Redeems Her….

Here are some pictures of Alicia Keys in a bikini. I predict she gains a solid 20 pounds in the next 3 years after winning every award there is for an aspiring rich kid singer song writer piano player. The most upsetting thing about this bitch is that her last name isn’t really “keys” and for the longest time I believed she was destined to play piano, sent to us from God or some shit, but instead, turned out to be just a marketing ploy. Cunt.