As hard as it is to not hate Heidi and Spencer and everyone from The Hills, it’s hard not to respect and get what they are doing. Sure they are total assholes in the way they act and in how they badly play up the cameras and play the pawns in some MTV scripted life, but they are still living the fucking life. I know that at the end of all this, they won’t know where to seperate the real Heidi and the on camera Heidi, but she’ll have so much fucking money to really fucking care and that’s all assuming she had any fucking substance before signing up to this shit. My theory is that she didn’t. She was just one of those plastic cunts, not the kind you hide under your bed so your mom doesn’t find it and realize that this “girlfriend” you’ve been talking about is just a rubber thing you fuck, but the kind of plastic cunts who really didn’t have any other opportunities, so if anything she won the lottery, she’s the one in Mexico, she’s the one fucking this cocksucker Pratt, and she’s not the one sitting at home watching re-runs of the show, following their every move and fantasizing about banging Pratt while gossiping about their fabricated lives. That’s not to say that all of humanity even knows what this shit, but the vapid little cunts who do, are no better than the vapid little cunt their obsessing over. So the show’s a joke, the concept is alright, the players are fucking clowns, but the real asshole in all this is the people who watch.

Not that you care, since you don’t watch this shit, and you aren’t a teenage girl, even though you wish you were so that you could feel your 15 year old vagina and not get arrested, you just like lookin at Montag’s body in a bikini and I am not judgin’ cuz she looks as good as most strippers I’ve paid 10 dollars to touch their tits and that’s gotta count for somethin’

‘

Heidi Montag and her boyfriend got fake married for their show, they then went on a fake honeymoon to celebrate their fake marriage for the show and here are the staged pictures of them on the beach because the paparazzi just happened to be there and weren’t hired by the show. Now I am all for fucking with the public if they are stupid enough to buy into it, I mean it’s the foundation of government and religion and most of healthcare, pharmaceuticals and corporations, so I haven’t got a problem with these two clowns stuntin’ like this. I mean sure she sold her soul to MTV for a payout much higher than working some Colorado Ski Restort’s ticket booth for minimum wage and I’m sure you all would do the same fucking thing, because it’s a winning lottery ticket that only costs your dignity and privacy for a couple of years, because proven by how bad and obvious these bikini pics turned out, there’s no fucking chance she’ll be going onto more acting work. So despite The Hills and everything about it being contrived, scripted horse shit, that plays out worse than a Soap Opera, there is no way this Montag is going to use it as a stepping stone to get to the Academy Awards like she was Hilary Swank and this was The Next Karate Kid or some shit, yeah, I know Hilary Swank’s career, Fuck you.

Today is the only happiest day of the year for sex offenders and the kids they want to commit sex offenses on. They can dress up like something they always dreamed they could be like a superhero, a sports star, or whatever else people dress as all to run up to strange people’s houses asking for candy, or to be the strange person at the house who get parental consent to have some alone time with endless amounts of kids….without the police getting involved, unless of course they get carried away and masturbate during the process and not to the memories of it…..

I didn’t end up going out last night, I am just posting late cuz I am lazy and not because I drank til 10 am, because I realized it wasn’t actually Halloween and figured that since I hate people that overkill holidays, like I overkill jokes, you know getting dressed up days before the actual day, it just didn’t make sense for me to be not be one of them, unless of course, I wanted to get confusing and make my costume of a guy who dresses up for Halloween on days that aren’t Halloween, but that seems pretty fuckin’ confusing. I think I’m going with my DJ AM idea, where I douse myself in gasoline and when the clock strikes midnight, I light up and run through the dance floor, or maybe I’ll go as nothing because dressing up is lame….especially a day early….

Unfortunately, these people didn’t realize that Halloween is today and not yesterday. Probably because they have nothing better to do, since they are pretty irrelevant….

Here’s Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt as Horse Faced Whore with Fake Tits and Her Fake Latch on Fame Hungry Boyfriend…..unfortunately they didn’t go with the murder suicide I’ve been hoping to read about in the news….

Traci Bingham Dressed Like a Slutty Cop

Mariah Carey as a Slutty Fire Fighter

Looks like civil servants were the theme of the night, and I find that pretty offensive and a sign of famous people trying to use the media to get their politics across, you know because police and firefighters are a sign of the communism or socialism since they are paid out of people’s taxes money to keep the public safe and from breaking the law they created to control the public or from burning down like DJ AM….

Heidi Montag managed to step away from the hustle and bustle that is her lie of a life on The Hills and re-connect with her roots. You know heading out to the pumpkin patch where she was made by the farmer’s handicapped son and where she worked as a scarecrow for the first 17 years of her life, before somehow managing to take her straw-filled useless body and her face only a farmer’s retard son could love, that made for the best damn face in the scarecrow business, where no crows ever came within 10 feet of the crop with her around, to Hollywood, where she became what she is today. The only remnants of what once was is her soulless body and that face that could stop traffic for being something out of a really low budget horror movie and of course the wonderful memories that she’s decided to share with her fake boyfriend of her time as a device, traditionally a human figure dressed in old clothes, or mannequin, that is used to discourage birds such as crows from disturbing crops, because this time of year is always really nostalgic for her, like the group of seniors I saw celebrating their 60th high school reunion, because besides waiting for death, it’s all they really have to do today…

Either way, here’s Heidi and her plastic tits, plastic life and plastic boyfriend, playing with the crops she once helped protect.

Heidi Montag went fake grocery shopping with her fake nose and her fake tits and her fake boyfriend to help perpetuate their fake life together as real people, in real situations, living a real life and doing real life things and I don’t fuckin’ buy it. What I do buy is that Heidi posing with watermelons is meant to be funny because in all the time I have gone to the grocery store, which is a lot since I have a fat fucking wife who only likes eating or doing eating related activities like buying food to eat later, I have never seen anyone posing like this cry for attention of a girl. I’d wonder what went wrong in her life, like did she get enough attention from her parents growing up or was she the black sheep, did she get a lot of attention from boys or was she the Ugly Betty but less Mexican, but I don’t really care enough to. I find her ugly, useless and this is my weak attempt to make you hate her, the show they are on and the lies they are feeding our kids, because I want them off the air and back in whatever suburban town they crawled out of….

The only problem with this 10 minute music video of a shitty Heidi Montag video for a song called Overdosin’ is that it doesn’t end with her having a fuckin’ overdose, and I am talking a real overdose, one you see in the alley and crack dens around your city and not the Hollywood kind where they come out alive. I don’t really understand any of the lyrics but that could be because shit is on mute, what I do know is that it’s obviously a fuckin’ joke playing on that “Call On Me” video that was actually hot, because no one in their right mind could find this good. I am convinced it is some kind of viral video for FunnyorDie.

The truth is that If I wanted to see subpar girls awkwardly doin fitness in American Apparel, I’d hit up my local Y for the maternity class, which isn’t saying much because I do that shit anyway. Either way, I’m sure you’ll love this so here it is.

I was planning on banning MTV from the site, but forgot about that ban when uploading these pictures of Heidi Montag in some workout gear leotards from American Apparel for her new video that reminds me of some kind of themed Frat Party where all the brothers of the fraternity get dressed up like they were Olivia Newton John in some kind of lame attempt to get laid that ends up working because girls are idiots.

By the looks of these pictures, this sluts biggest lie isn’t her entire life or the fact that she’s into Jesus and a virgin, or that she’s actually famous, it’s that she’s actually got a fuckin’ dick and her birth name is really Charlie.

I was the biggest fan of the American Apparel leotard and it’s ability to touch pussy, ass and tits at the same time, but over the course of time, shit’s become too fuckin’ popular and played out and when bitches like Heidi Montag start rockin’ the shit, you know that it’s pretty much over. RIP Motherfucker.

I don’t like Heidi Montag because I don’t think she’s hot and I am superficial and have standards when I am hiding behind my computer screen, but none when it comes to getting girls in bars to show me their tits. I find her annoying as fuck as she is always in her bullshit character, living a bullshit lie of a life that MTV puppetmasters have designed for her to maintain ratings and she’s just milking it for all she can, and I get that, because otherwise her future would involve a whole lot of workin’ the stripper pole back in Colorado, or living her rich kid life working for her dad’s company and driving his Porsche, not that I know that they are rich or not, but I am assuming she had a serious contact to make this miracle happen.

Either way, I don’t hate her sister though, her name is Holly and I think she’s the one in these pictures with her. She’s my Facebook friend and she started out ignoring me until I posted all her personal pictures and she reached out the threaten me with a lawsuit if I didn’t take them down. From there we established a solid Facebook friendshi and we send each other random messages a couple of times a month and I try to get her to talk dirty to me and send me nudes and she just tells me real basic shit and cockteases me with promises of going on drinking benders at MTV Video Music Awards and shit like that together and since I missed out on the whole drunken, messy, college girl gangbang Spring Break experience because college is for lesbians and peole too scared to grow up and gt a job and I went straight into addicts and street whores and girls missing teeth, I feel like she’s going to open my life up to great things. The only problem is that I don’t meet people off the internet because I am scared they are going to kidnap and rape me, and despite me being seen as the internet predator, I am actually a fuckin’ paranoid motherfucker who doesn’t trust anyone, even if getting raped and killed would be the most action I’ve had in years, it’s not really something I am going to entertain.

The truth is, the Holly I am talking to could be a 12 year old Filipino faking the shit, but I still like to believe that we are connected at the soul via facebook. If you want more Holly, you’ll have to watch the show because she’s going to be on it and I don’t really think any girl is worth that kind of abuse to yourself because The Hills are the Devils work, and the proof is all these Make a Wish foundation kids treating Heidi like some kind of celebrity, something we all know she isn’t, but it doesn’t matter what we think, it’s what the rest of the world thinks that matters and that scares me.

I hate The Hills. I have never watched it and will never watch it, but doing this site forces me to know what the cunts on the show are up to. I figure if I wanted to watch a group of ugly rich kids complaining about their scripted, obvious and boring lives, I’d just go to the Starbucks down the street, at least that way I can follow the whores home and rape some sense into them, when I am pretty much at a lost when it comes to teaching these MTV bitches a lesson, since they are too big of a deal to be accessible for some fat dude in Canada.

The real issue with their fame is that it’s really got nothing to do with them, and a lot to do with you and the people you know. You cocksuckers are watching their shit, talking about the shit, buying the DVDs of the shit, inflating their whore egos and giving MTV no choice but to continue writing the garbage that rapes the minds of everyone who watches it.

The only thing remotely interesting about the show is that it’s on some Truman Show level, where they have pretty much sold out their lives to play their part all the fucking time, so that they don’t slip up on the continuity of the story, and the lies they are living are going to become their reality so when the show is cancelled and they realize that they can’t survive in real life because they don’t know who they really are and have no identity and will never be able to live down the cunts they play like they are Gary Coleman or some shit and can’t quite figure out why the rest of the world acts so differently than they did when they were on the show only and the only escape is suicide.

Either way, here’s two girls from The Hills showing the world how full of shit they are in this fake interraction that pisses me off….

BONUS – Some Audrina Bikini Pictures from Last Week Because It Makes Her Body Makes Her Face Less Offensive….

Heidi Montag was asked about her fake tits and nose job and basically said she got it done because of insecurities that have always followed her from being teased as a kid. This gives teaches a strong lesson to kids everywhere, and by everywhere I mean the small percentage of her fans that aren’t autistic or retarded, and that lesson is that if you are being teased by other kids, the other kids are right, so go out and fix whatever they’ve told you to so you can fit in. You hear that black kid in the corner, it’s going to be hard but you’re just going to have to turn yourself white…and gay dude, we know how much you love home economics class where you get to make your favorite dresses, but motherfucker you are going to have to join the fucking football team and stand a little straighter because that’s what Heidi Montag told us.

It’s really unfortunate that she doesn’t take her own advice about other aspects of her life, sure you call her Kate Hudson and she goes and gets implants, or a Dirty Jew with that big ‘ol Dirty Jew nose and she get her nose done, but for some reason no matter how useless I call her, how many times I laugh at her song, her career, her relationship, her show, you’d expect her to just put an end to it all by putting a gun to her head. I guess I am just not as relevant as the pretty girls in her middle school.

Either way, the highlight of this clip is how she says she doesn’t drink or do drugs twice in a matter of minutes, it’s one of those if you tell me enough times I’ll start to believe her bullshit, but that didn’t work when my wife told me she lost weight so I’d give her the potato chips and it’s not going to work now. There is no way you can live as Heidi Montag andd not be on drugs without hurting yourself.. It would seriously take me about 15 minutes of being Heidi Montag before jumping off the 7th story window of the Chateau Marmont and those 15 minutes don’t count because I’d be masturbating and playing with my fake tits and I’d bring that Spencer cunt down with me.

Heidi Montag doesn’t realize that she’s fucking ugly and that the only thing she should be taking off of her is her top so that she can use it to cover up her scary fucking face, but instead she’s decided to take off some make-up and try to give us a taste a more natural Montag and all I know is that it tastes like shit.

Whoever told her that she’s a natural beauty needs to be issued a restraining order to not get within 50 yards of any farm animals, and Heidi needs to be given a restraining order to not be allowed within 50 yards of any living creature unless she’s wearing a fucking mask, because she’s ugly.

I don’t normally rip off people’s facebook profiles because I am lazy and figure it could lead to lifetime friendships with specific people that would be cut short if I burnt the bridge. I don’t have any interest is getting to know Holly Montag, her sister or anyone they know, so figured there’s no damage done.

This is Holly Montag, Heidi’s sister’s facebook profile and despite the pictures being pretty boring and standard, you can tell the kind of drunken college spring breaker this bitch is. She likes to have a good time and make out with her friends and be the life of the party but most importantly has the level of fame Heidi should have and that is that she is only known at her local bar and by her sorority sisters and the guys who fuck them.

So she is cut from the same cloth, born in the same barn, made from the same cum, grown in the same womb and raised by the same unstable mother as one of the most useless horse faced, attention craving whores on TV and this is hopefully a glimpse into Heidi’s future, because I’d rather she be wreckin’ shit back home in Colorado than annoying me daily in California.

Either way, I leave you some inspirational words of wisdom courtesy of Holly Montag and her drunken clubslut depth.

Favorite Quotes:

“Choice, not chance, determines one’s destiny.”

“So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”
-The Eagles, “Already Gone”

“I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.:
-Shirley MacLaine

“And our dreams are who we are.”
-Barbara Sher

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity.”
-Thomas Henry Huxley

UPDATE – Holly Montag Emailed Me To Take Down the Pictures:

Email 1:

Hey Drunken Stepfather!

What you wrote was pretty hilarious, but would you mind taking my pictures down please? They are my private photos that only my friends are supposed to be able see, and I think you know better…

Thank you,

Holly Montag

Email 2 :

Hello Mr. Martinez–

Well I must say that I’m shocked to find it was one of my own facebook friends that would say such things about me and my fam! First of all, I went through my messages on facebook and did not see one from you…and i have yet to delete one, so I’m not sure what happened there. Second of all, do you have any idea how many people send me messages on a daily basis asking me questions about or bashing my sister? It would literally take my entire day to respond to everyone. I used to allow everyone as my friend and try to respond to each person, but I had to stop and remove a bunch of people a couple of months ago because it became too overwhelming AND you were one of the ONLY people I didn’t know and trust very well that I didn’t remove (I did yesterday though) because for some reason i remembered you being cool. I’m sorry to offend, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t quid pro quo with the extreme you took it to. However, because I thought it to be slightly clever I won’t take offense…as long as you acknowledge that you KNOW I’m not the person you made me out to be…in fact, maybe you should make a sight in my honor to rectify the damage that’s been done. haha no jk, but I hope we’re cool.

Thanks for taking my photos down!

Email 3:

that’s great, very entertaining. i dont care about the bullshit either but i get this kinda of crap all the time when it has nothing to do with me. i dont really give a shit, excpet those are my private pics and you still haven’t taken them down. you know that you do not have my permission to use them and have not licensed them (not sure if you’re familiar with these laws…). i’ve tried to be nice about it, but if you don’t have the pics down in 24 hrs (6/20,10:30am) you’ll be hearing from my attorneys (i have 3 on my staff, please just take them down). no hard feelings. thanks! holly montag

So I decided to do it because the last thing I need is a Montag ruining my fucking life.

Heidi Montag lives a fake life, stars on a fake reality TV show, has fake tits and fake lips, it seems like the only thing real about her is that she is real ugly, I guess she’s also real useless and a real waste of space and if I think that is irony, but then again I never know how to properly identify irony and I blame Alanis Morissette for that. Here she is in some staged pictures with her fake boyfriend where she rocks a bikini, shows off her pretty fit lookin body and pokes out her ass to lure in her male fans like a baboon in heat. I can only assume they are drinking champagne to celebrate how much of a cunt she is, but it’s probably more to do with showing the world just how classy this piece of trash can get because America are suckers and have given her a purpose in life, when she’d be better off taking her insecure horse head to the local strip club where she belongs.

I’ve never watched The Hills, but I fucking hate that shit more than I hate myself, in fact, I hate that shit even more than I hate my wife and that’s one thing I hate more than life itself.

The reason I hate it is because it’s crap. It’s some staged bullshit that’s meant to be “real” and all these fuckers are watching it to see what happens next in the lives of total fucking assholes, who don’t deserve to have a life, let alone have people watch and care about it. The worst thing about this scripted bullshit is that it’s popular. People obviously have miserable lives and turn to this to escape or to feel better about themselves but in doing this, they are contributing to the success of shitty shows, making the lives of the people involved in the show substantially better lives than they deserve, like a false sense of celebrity, money and relevance to the world. I can only assume that giving someone more self esteem and confidence than they should have is the same reason why you see fat chicks on the beach in bikinis or walking down the street in fucking spandex. It’s all because some asshole told her she was hot and it stuck.

These pictures are some bullshit day spend by bullshit couple Heidi Montag and Spencer because couples only climb up on each other’s shoulders for bullshit photo ops and not when just hanging out with each other because no matter how in love you are or how much you don’t care about the outside world because you’re fully absorbed, you still have enough pride to never put your girl up on your shoulders. Plus, we all know that when Heidi is alone with her boyfriends, they are the ones strapping the saddle on her back and riding her because anyone who gets with her has to have some kind of equestrian fetish . The only thing realistic about this whole stunt is when Spencer feeds Heidi Montag’s father a carrot as a token of gratitude for letting him fuck his daughter because his suit isn’t the only thing classy about him….

I don’t really know what the deal with The Hills is but I do know that none of the bitches on the show are hot enough to fuck. They are all a bunch of average at best lookin’ girls and have no fucking business being on TV. I guess to be fair, Roseanne, Darlene from Roseanne, Grace Under Fire and Rosie O’Donnel have all had really successful TV careers, but I guess they never mistakenly took that success as being some kind of sex symbol.

So here’s Heid and her fucking loser pretend boyfriend, with her pretend tits and her pretend success that came from a pretend show, showing off a line of clothing called Heidiwood, which isn’t a pretend tacky name, and isn’t pretend ugly, and will only be worn by girls who don’t pretend they aren’t sluts, but actually embrace that shit and flock to anything that requires a bikini wax to wear.

This is on some on some neon g-string cat suit level that is the same quality as anything sold in a sex shop, worn by a stripper or on a porn set, it’s the kind of shit that gives you a rash when you put it on, but the good news is this time the rash isn’t caused by another herpes outbreak. Let’s celebrate!! Too bad no one is here to give me a dozen roses to make me feel good on my special day.