I saw that Sarah Marshall shit and I use the term shit loosely because I can’t thing of something more representative of what I experienced for that hour and a half at cheap movie night. Instead of watching the equivalent of watching AIDS fester in the blood stream of a poor unsuspecting 5 year old who just got molested by her AIDS positive uncle on screen and set in Hawaii, I used the opportunity of having the time away from my wife to fantasize about the group of college girls sitting in front of me who thought they were coming to a good movie. I ran different scenarios through my head of what they would do to each other provided they just let down that front and accepted that all girls are dykes. I was trying to think of how they go to yoga class in yoga pants together and when they get home the more liberal one of the group who is more open about fucking her roommates decides to show off her moves like it ain’t a thing only she does it after getting out of the shower while wearing nothing but a towel, leading to the others to get naked in some sort of yoga experimental 20 something all girl orgy that I am watching from a tree outside their dorm room window.
The reason I hated this shit movie was because it was a fucking mess that didn’t make me laugh. I admit I am a joke snob and I never laugh because I don’t believe in it, but I think objectively it was not funny for anyone in the theatre except for the drunk guy who was trying to get his money’s worth, but based on his twitching, I think he could have been laughing at the voices in his head.
The writer was the main character who milked the fact that he sold a script and decided now was his chance to make himself famous in some ego-project that he casted himself for but should have never been cast for at all because the movie should have never been made. To make things worse the dude, who was ridiculously weird looking wrote in scenes of him showing his dick as many times as possible and I think it all stems back from the constant encouragement of his mother.
Either way, Kristen Bell wasn’t hot or interesting in it and compared to Mila Kunis was more on par with the ridiculously fat Hawaiian dude who worked on the resort but to be fair to Kristen Bell, here are pictures of her ass and I guess when she’s standing alone she’s worth a round.
I got so much hate mail about this Forgetting Sarah Marshall shit that I wish was actually about forgetting Sarah Silverman because she’s a fuckin’ stain on my brain that I’d love to forget….I got hate mail because I said that the only reason to see it is because Mila Kunis is hot. The hate mail came in from every loser who is hooked on Heroes and thinks Kristen Bell is the hot chick in the movie and that Mila Kunis is nothing compared to her.
Now I hate these kinds of debates because they make me realize how pathetic my life is, you know arguing about which girl I don’t know is hotter, it’s on some lame virgin shit that probably causes many debates in their virgin chat rooms online because they can’t focus on real girls but instead can invest all their time into fighting about sluts they see on TV.
That said, Kristen Bell was on Letterman last night and she’s nothing special. I tried to understand why you fuckers bothered sending me death threats over her, but all I could see was a normal lookin’ blonde chick who looks like every other blonde all American chick. She doesn’t have an amazing body and listening to her run her mouth off made me want to punch her in her thin barely there lips. Her sex appeal is not as high as whoever the fuck says she’s a better catch than Mila Kunis…and took the time to emails .it is however reminiscent of a 12 year old girl on the soccer team with the face of a 30 year old who is related to Kelly Ripa. I’d totally let her get naked for me, if it ever came to that and I’d watch her sex tape, but that’s not saying much considering I’d do the same for Whoopi Goldberg and pretty much anything disgusting with a Vagina because I am a pervert.
I woke up after 3 hours of sleep wondering why my wife never wants to fuck me. Sure I’ve got the whole impotency issue and there was a time she wouldn’t keep her slimy hands off of me forcing me to reject her and tell her how gross she was repeatedly until bitch understood the magnitude of what her obesity was doing to me sexually, but every now and then, my ridiculous sexual obsession and “Always Down to Fuck” attitude gets the better of me and she rejects me. I don’t know how often you’ve been rejected by girls, but there’s something really destructive to one’s confidence and self esteem when a bitch who you don’t even want to fuck turns you down when you’re willing to close your mother fucking eyes and pretend you are slamming a Sea Manatee or someshit.
So after waking up and forcing myself to shower off the dirty thoughts I had about my disgusting wife I came up with a rant about how when you first get involved with someone the sex is retarded and never ending, then one day it all stops and not because you want it to, but because they want it to and it makes me wonder why they stick around or why I let them stick around because instead of having trouble walking from having my penis owned, I have trouble sleeping thinking about how the fuck I am going to break into her box, despite how scary the shit is. I feel like I am like a fucking David Blane motherfucker trying chained upside down and dropped into a tank of hungry sharks lookin for the magic button that will turn the box on long enough to get in and get off and get the fuck out so that I can pretend it never happened.
Either way, here’s a clip from Forgetting Sarah Marshall that was just emailed to me where Kristen Bell has some stupid sex, trying to be stupid funny, in a stupid movie that is going to be a stupid success because the public is stupid and because Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are the stars and they are stupid hot.
Kristen Bell and I connected at the soul because we were featured in the same magazine and if that’s not love. I don’t know know what love is. No seriously, I really don’t know what love is. All the love I’ve ever lied to myself about having has been for personal gain or for booze.
Either way, here’s Kristen Bell showing some cleavage at an Alzheimer’s party, because you know you can never forget how to get down proper….no matter how much you forget everything else about your life. In reality, the party only really gets started when Alzheimers becomes full blown dementia, because nothing gets the party started like flinging feces at the guests while screaming insanities…it’s so in style right now that celebrities like Britney Spears have started sporting the look.
Ok, enough of this stupidity, just look at her tits. Pervert..
I don’t watch Heroes, so I don’t understand all the hype, but I met a weird dude in the park who’s watched the whole season 10 times because shit changed his life. He was trying to convince me that my life was lacking in a big way because I wasn’t up on this shit and I had to clarify that my life is lacking in a big way for a lot more reasons than not watching some stupid TV show that people like him are obsessed with.
Either way, Kristen Bell is on the show and here she is walking in some kind of fitness pants that are kinda huggin her box, and despite not letting us know what she’s actually got inside the box, it’s good enough for me because every time I leave my house now, girls are rocking spandex or leggings, and I guess they don’t realize that leggings are one step away from naked and I can pretty much make out everything when they bend over to pick up my “packages” I deliberately knock off their table to get a better look of their junk from behind…or even when I stare at their mounds when they are just innocently sitting there …I know Kristen Bell isn’t rockin’ a pair of leggings, but that’s what this shit reminded me of and since I’m writing this shit, I guess I’m like Bobby Brown and more recently Britney Spears and it’s my prerogative.
I was at my local Starbucks the other day because it’s a cheap escape since the dude there hooks me up with free coffee and that’s a price I can afford. There was a young girl in her leggings with some dude and they were all in teenage love and shit. They kept kissing like no one else in the world mattered, meaning they didn’t notice me creeping on them the whole fucking time. Shit got pretty fucking intense after it went on for 45 minutes of them just making out and I couldn’t grasp the concept. I think the longest I’ve ever kissed a girl was for under 3 minutes and that whole time I was just trying to figure out how I was going to get my dick in her mouth or my fingers in her cooch. I ended up moving to the seat next to them and whispering in the dude’s ear “go for her cooter” cuz I figured he needed some pointers and his faggy intense kissing was getting to me. They ended up stopping, dropping and rolling….which was a good thing because if he wasn’t going to make I move, I was and I don’t need that kind of bad press….actually I do, my site sucks. At least I know for next time.
I love girls who love lingerie and it seems like all girls I ever met have huge collections of it, other than drug addicts with no money and who sell or soil their 2 pairs of underwear that they wash in public bathrooms to stay fresh but beyond the addiction love lingerie. Girls tend to have more panty drawers in their dresser than they have dude’s who want to fuck them in their phone and I am all for watching them try on every single piece they own. The shit makes them feel sexy and glamorous and makes me feel like the creep that I am, because I’m watching from the tree in their backyard with a set of binoculars, but I can still make out what’s going down and I am all for that, at least when they are rockin’ it for me and not for some other homeboy.
Jessica Simpson was there lookin hot….because she’s a Christian girl gone bad….and I love those.
Vanessa Hudgens was there researching what to wear next in her sleazy self-shot pictures with Zac Efron who was there pretending he likes women in lingerie when he’s more into wearing it himself cuz he’s gay.
Joanna Krupa was there…..because she actually gets paid to wear lingerie because she is hot….
Dita Von Teese was there….even though no one wants to see her in lingerie…but she is strips down into lingerie every chance she gets….
Kristen Bell was there but I still don’t know who she is….
I don’t watch Heroes, because I am not into the whole hero bullshit. I don’t believe in them. I am more into self absorbed pricks who don’t give a fuck about anyone, even themselves and drink themselves into an early grave while trying to bring everyone around them down with them. So I didn’t know who Kristen Bell was, but she was spotted in a bikini, so now I do and feel like a much better person for it, and by better I mean like a virgin. Because every time I post bikini pics, I always feel like a fag who can’t get pussy and who sits at home obsessing over bitches like the other people with these kinds of sites and reality is that I honestly don’t give a fuck about them or about them in bikinis. There is perfectly good pussy right outside my door for me to invite over to try on bikinis, but I do it for you, because I know you’re struggling so I guess in a lot of ways, that makes me a hero…unlike the buzz-killing asshole who’s covering her up with his gayer than Ellen pink blanket….
I wasn’t going to cover any Emmy Awards shit because the Emmy Awards are fucking lame and it was my attempt in protesting them. Reality is that I tried to watch them yesterday because I figured it would inspire me to hate the world more than I do or maybe even take the 4 hours of my life away from me. I promised a reader that I would live-blog but that didn’t happen. Life lesson, never trust a drunken Mexican.
I first tuned in on my neighbors TV during the pre-show red carpet shit and saw the fag from Queer Eye doing fashion play-by-play like it was a fucking sports show. I thought the concept was stupid and was forced to change channels, but that was after I saw lesbian Ellen and her wife who is not so lesbian but realizes that eating Ellen’s pussy is good for business, being interviewed. Ellen was a manic weirdo who must have been jacked on something and it made me question why we let Lesbians on TV.
I tuned in again for the opening performance that was some Family Guy shit, Stewie and the dog were singing about how shitty TV is, I think I laughed a few times but I was drunk and don’t really remember. I do know that I like Family Guy and think it’s the best written show, so I hope they won something.
Ryan Seacrest came on and didn’t make me or anyone in the audience even crack a smile. His jokes weren’t jokes and it was nice to see his Seacrest ship sink, I can only hope this continues in the next events he is involved in, because his demise is well deserved. He’s a 5 minutes of fame gone wrong situation, you know the kind of dude you hate that gets on some Dating Show but somehow turns it into years of success when his talent only should have got him to the elimination round….
The second Ray Romano came on was the second I turned the shit off. I hate his voice and seeing him on TV reminded me why I don’t watch TV. I used to go crazy everytime his show came on, I am talking throwing shit at the TV to make the pain stop.
I also kept catching my neighbor staring at me while rubbing his leg, and despite being all for dirty old men, I can’t accept dirty old men giving me the eye mainly because I am not into gay but also because I am disgusting looking and anyone giving me the eye whether man or woman is clearly fucked in the head and someone I don’t want to be around…I felt like I accidentally walked into some kind of secret gay man hook up zone like a public bathroom that fags use as a meeting place to fuck while their wives are out shopping or some shit…and despite it being more exciting than the Emmies, I still had to get the fuck out.
Here are some pictures of the event:
Christina Aguilera and Her Pregnancy Tits
Eva Longoria and Her Mexican Ass
Hayden Panettiere and Her Floppy Tits Hiding Under a Tent of a Dress I can only assume she wanted to wear adult sizes for once and this is the result
Heidi Klum is Living Beauty and the Beast
Jaime Lynn Sigler Brings Her Eating Disorder as Her Date
Jaime Pressly 4 Months After Letting The World Knows She Has Unprotected Sex By Having a Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt Hiding Her Fat Ass We All Know She Has…
Kaley Cuoco Because She’ll Never Be On TV Again
Katherine Heigl is the Big Winner…Literally…
Kristen Bell Because I Don’t Know Who She Is…
Lisa Rinna Because She Hasn’t Been on TV for a Decade…But Her Fake Tits Get Her Past Security…
Maria Menounos Because She’s Greek and Takes it in the Ass
Michelle Pfeiffer is Old But Still Hotter Than Anyone You Know…
Phoebe Price Because Her Dress Has Windows
Portia DiRossi Because She’s a Fake Lesbian and We Like Fake Lesbians Because It Means They Will Let Us Fuck Them While They Eat Out Their Friends…
Teri Hatcher Because She Banged Ryan Seacrest
I am sure there are more, but this took me long enough to do and I am over the Emmy Awards….
Bonus – Christina Aguilera Performance with Tony Bennett
This is some girl named Kristen Bell in a bikini on the set of some movie or TV show she is filming and wearing a bikini in. Probably something you’ll all order the DVD of and jerk off to, because that’s the kind of person this site caters to.
I have a confession to make. I wrote a TV show concept and sent it in to a producer last summer. It was called “hollywood sweatshop” and it was pretty much the same concept as the show “On The Lot”. I even mailed a copy of it to myself thinking that the fucker would have been HUGE. The producer told me it was a bad idea that wouldn’t work and I went back to the website like nothing ever happened, but when I saw that this fucking show hit I was blown the fuck away. I coulda been a millionaire just like Mark Burnett, the Reality TV show guy who invented survivor.
Either way, maybe it wasn’t such an original idea, and I am not going to live my life crying about all these great ideas that no one ever buys from me, but end up creating and making tons of money with….I am going to live my life posting pictures of celebrities in bikinis for no money at all. That’s just the way it is…If you are wondering why I am talking about this, I have one channel on TV and that show was it….
