Anyone who reads the site knows I have an ongoing joke where I sexually harrass Ryan Seacrest, mainly because of his boyish goodlooks, but also because the man is a fucking beast. On the radio, on TV, on gossip shows, in Simon’s mouth, he’s fucking everywhere, so I figure who better to have a celebrity crush on, even though I am not into penis.

I finally got in touch with one of his producers, Patty and she turned down a very serious request I had for Seacrest. The whole thing is devastating.

Hey Patty, I hear you’re Ryan Seacrest (GOD)’s producer.

I am…One of them, yes

Is it possible for you to get your hands on some of his dirty underwear, I feel like it’ll really save my soul. You know sneak into his house or dressing room and find me a pair that I will put over my face and breathe in deeply, as his magic enters my bloodstream…

Why do you call him God? I dont think “God” has dirty underwear, that will be impossible

I call him God because he is a fucking robot and gift to the fucking world…so is that a no?

that’s a no

what are you wearing right now…look down…can you describe you vagina in 10 words or less?

Cunt.