If you know anything about young girls in Hollywood, you know that when they are wasted, they always leave the club with their head aimed to the ground and their hair in their face. I guess it’s because no matter how fucked up their insecure selves are, they always manage to remember to never let a paparazzi get a shot of their face, because when a girl is drunk, she ususally isn’t lookin her best. Which is weird because young girls in Hollywood never seem to remember to use condoms when they are drunk, which I guess is good news for the manufacturers of the Valtrex and the morning after pill,

Unfortunately, the drunk girls I know are a little more embarrassing than their Hollywood counterparts. You know, if they aren’t passed out in the fucking corner letting me finger bang them because they don’t know I am finger banging them, but technically, I’m not violating them, since they never say no and we all know that if they don’t say no then they aren’t totally against what you’re doing to them, then their causing scenes, screaming at bouncers or random people, pissing on the side of the street, or desperately trying to get their fat asses fucked by any guy willing to take them home and when their puke covered dresses get ignored, they end up crying and hating themselves more than they did before they started drinking.

Either way, it’s not news that Lauren Conrad likes to drink, I mean if you were here, you probably would be medicated too, it’s pretty much the only way you could live with yourself for being a lying joke of a celebrity and I call this drunken celebrity dance The Lohan.

It’s pretty obvious that Lohan has never been sober. She was probably drinking in rehab, but paid off the facility to leave her and that loser she met there alone so that they could get fucked up and fuck, and if anyone was to ask, they were to tell them that she’s responding to treatment really positively, because there is no way this broken down, haggard 21 year old has enough of a mental capacity to stay sober, she’s too broken up inside and it’s all a fuckin front and anyone who bought into her PR spin is a fucking idiot, so when this club in Washington’s surveillance video hit, and Lohan was seen pouring a drink, I wasn’t too surprised, because drinking is what she does, it’s all she knows, and it’s really her only friend.

If you look at Lohan and Ronson, they look like 2 sluts on skid row, trying to find the next fix. Skinny, bags under their eyes, and a sexuality that only comes after being molested/raped/broken on the inside. I know someone who brought Ronson in to play an event a while ago, he claimed that in her contract, it says “no pictures of Ronson drinking are permitted”. It’s some controlled information to try to help revitalize Lohan’s career, but we all know that is over, and nothing can unsink this ship. We also know that you’d have to be drunk or high to have sex with Ronson when not using her for her trust fund and that the best thing to save her career would to straighten her shit out because no one likes lesbians and Hollywood already has Ellen and that’s really all they can handle right now, and the only reason it worked for her is because she’s got a good personality that people can relate to and find fun, and she isn’t some bratty cunt crying for attention that everyone hates, but Lohan hasn’t really caught wind of that yet, because she’s been too wasted.

Either way, here is the video and some screenshots, some Girl on Gender Bender kissing included…Enjoy.

In who really gives a fuck about this rich kid news, here’s an older video that was shot at some store opening in NYC that went down on November 6th. The event was hosted by Zoe Kravitz, who is 19 and she was drunk. She is Lisa Bonet of Cosby Show Fame and Lenny Kravitz’s daughter and she’s not 21 but still manages to get the drinks in her because in case you didn’t know, the law doesn’t apply to privileged people and alcoholism does because they are hurting on the inside.

I know you don’t care, but since less than 10,000 people saw the video on Youtube, I figured I’d get it out there, but there’s no tits or pussy in this shit, so I don’t really know what I was thinkin’, but there’s no turning back now….

Avril Lavigne was pulled on stage at a Metal Skool show. From what I understand, they have a weekly gig where they play 80s rock, pretty much mockin’ it and joking around about it, and sometimes celebrities head out there because the only other thing going on on a Sunday night is DJ AM’s LAX party, and no one wants to put themselves through that pain.

So the guys of the band figured Avril Lavigne would know the song “I Love Rock and Roll” and it turns out she didn’t, so while trying to grind up on him while drunk, because she’s hungry for dick after marrying that little man from Sum 41, she fucked up the timing of the chorus, then screeched her way through it, sounding like shit, torturing everyone there and proving that unless she’s singing Shania Twain songs in a studio after months of vocal training, or suburban pop where she channels attitude from living the suburban life and spending her Saturday’s at the mall, and weeknights driving around aimlessly, she’s got no fuckin’ business holding a mic, unless that mic is your dick, in which case, it’s not actually a mic at all…..but more of a sad little worm no one wants to play with.

The thing I like about Kate Moss is pretty much everything. I think she’s hot, I think she’s got the right idea on how to spend her free time, whether that’s on yachts or drunk in bars and I think she’s a model parent by never being around her kid enough to fuck it up. I mean I don’t know that for a fact, but I assume she’s never around for her kid because she’s out running around the world all the fuckin’ time, but that doesn’t matter, who needs to be around when you can afford to hire better suited nannies while you go about your life.

It is Friday and this week has been pretty shitty, so I am lookin’ forward to lookin’ alot like Kate Moss did last night, and I am hoping to meet my fair share of college girls who are pretty much as messy as Kate Moss is in these pictures and I plan on being tonight, so that I can try to see some fresh lookin’ titties that are spending lots of their parents money to make themselves smart while getting herpes in the process. Good times.

People and by people I mean one person has been asking for more Kristin Cavallari, the bitch from Laguna Beach who opted out of the spin-off that unfortunately turned out to be the biggest fucking thing on TV unfortunately. I realize I said unfortunately twice because the one thing I can relate toKristin Cavallari on is that we both want to kill ourselves because of The Hills. Sure I want to kill myself because everytime I come across the lies and people talking about the lies and the ugly people perpetuating the lies of that show, it makes me hate society, while Kristin Cavallari is probably realizing she missed her meal ticket by being a cunt who thought she was bigger and better than a spin off show that would ruin her fictitious career she thought she was going to have after Laguna Beach cuz of ego, while it would have been the biggest payout of her career.

So while Heidi is out there making millions and Kristin is a talentless thing of the past, who just didn’t know her worth as a piece of shit fake reality star, and she’s drinking her sorrows away to deal with it, but the truth is, it is probably a better life than being Heidi Montag….but then again being a retarded castrated deaf, blind, mute with a terminal illness and a skin disorder that makes you itch and burn all the time with no control over your bladder ever since the accident that left you a quadruple amputee and you still are lucky to not be Heidi Montag. She is that bad.

Kirsten Dunst despite being pretty fresh out of rehab looks like she’s drunk as she leaves the club, at least I hope she is drunk because it would really be the only acceptable explanation for her make-up-less face lookin as sloppy as it does. I’ve met my fair share of drunk chicks, with half-closed eyes and sloppy double chins begging for another drink, only to realize I was lying when I told them I had a bottle of booze back at my house and leaving at my request to entertain ourselves by her giving me a blowjob since we’re out of booze, and I don’t really hate them for it, I just kinda figure it has to do with my shitty game, and leads to disappointment in myself, but not as much disappointment in myself as when I think back to the era when I found Kirsten Dunst hot with her big tits on her small frame, when I look back on that shit now, I have no choice but to ask myself whether I was gay or not for falling into her hard nippled, dirty haired trap that the media was feeding me. Lookin at her now makes me wonder how bitch even had a career, it’s one of those “this isn’t the girl I married” situation that dawns 10 years and 3 kids after you ruined your once hot bodied wife, only a little less personal since Kirsten Dunst is just nothing but a girl on screen for me, and I guess that’s way easier to accept than the woman I committed my life to…enjoy….

I like drunk chicks, so seeing a drunk Lauren Conrad with her natural tits hanging out of her shirt makes me happy. I am tired of The Hills and the ugliness it produces and despite being average at best, Lauren Conrad is hotter than any of her costars. Heidi Montag is just horse-faced and ridiculous in her bible thumping bullshit lie of a life, and Audrina is a mutant who distracts you from her mutant face with a set of fake tits that I could have if I had 10,000 dollars to spend on tits, and last time I checked, if you can buy it, shit’s not representative of how hot you re.

I guess it doesn’t matter, mainly because The Hills don’t matter and soon enough the world will catch on and shit will be nothing more than something in the MTV archives no one really remembers enough to do a reunion special for and maybe I just like Lauren Conrad cuz she’s drunk and drunk girls have always been a crucail component in my getting laid….and here she is in low cut outfit busting out.

It’s the 4th of July and you’re probably sitting somewhere getting drunk in a backyard or on a boat or in a park like it’s a fuckin’ celebration that you can use to reconnect with family and friends all while convincing celebrating your dying economy, recession, unnecessary war that make gas pricesinsane, obesity pandemic and poverty, crime rate and shitty medical system and all the other great things about your beautiful country like your freedom that you are told that you have but probably don’t actually have considering nothing in the USA is free, but what do I know, I’m just a Mexican.

The good news is that everyday is the 4th of July for Tara Reid, she’s just always fucking celebrating, and her haggard face may be getting the best of her, but it’s a small price to pay to always have a good fuckin’ time. She’s moved on to hanging out with hotter girls than her, who don’t wear bras, but when you’ve got fake tits you don’t have to wear a bra, it’s like all part of the incentive of investing in fake tits, you never have to waste money on bras again at least that what they say on the fake titty infomercial in my head.

Cheryl Tweedy Cole is some Girls Aloud Spice Girl wannabe, who married some black David Beckham wannabe, and she is drunk. Some people think she just dropped her keys while going out, others just think she was overserved as she celebrated her 25th birthday, but I know it’s got more to do with her trying to deal the pain of her failed marriage she is trying to restore because like Beckham, her husband cheated on her, because otherwise he wouldn’t be biting Beckham’s style properly and you’d think she’d be more understanding since she stopped eating to bite Posh Spice’s style, but she’s too busy hitting the bottle and feeling sorry for herself. That over dramatic drunk. I guess the good news for Cheryl Tweedy Cole is that alcohol cures all ailments for me and drunk chicks are fun, even when crying and throwing up on themselves because they usually don’t stop you when you try to fingerbang them.

Sometimes it takes a little hormonal imbalances from giving birth to give you a little perspective that your life may not be as amazing as you thought it was.

Sure hiding behind your make-up may have been an effective way of hiding your true self and unhappiness from both yourself and the rest of the world but when you scratch beneath the surface you discover that you are just a less popular version of Britney, despite being convinced that you are more talented while the rest of the world worries about her and forget about you. You also realize that before you wrecked your body by having a baby, every dude in the world who wanted to fuck you now don’t care about you. Your husband you fell in love with may have a big dick and you may love getting fucked by him but everytime you look him in the face you wonder what the hell you did wrong to end up with such a weird lookin’ circus performer and pray that it won’t reflect badly the kid that is taking up all of your fucking time and energy and just won’t shut the fuck up leaving you at a loss, making you want to jump off a bridge or put the kids in a car and drive them into a lake in Vermont, but instead you go out clubbing and leave the baggage behind and I will drink to that.

A reader recently reached out and told me that they wanted some Matthew McConaughey news, I didn’t really know why but assumed it was because the reader was a poofter and into dudes and wanted some pics to get of to because he thought McConaughey had a rockin’ bod or some shit, so I told the motherfucker that I don’t want no faggots ’round here and tied him to the back of a pick-up truck like he was a black dude from the south and drove for 18 miles. I am just kidding, I only went 10 miles, but dude won’t be asking me for no faggot pictures anymore.

I know I should have taken the jock approach to gay bashing where you fuck the dude up the ass senseless hoping to fuck some sense into him because we all know that when you fuck a dude up the ass to teach him what being a faggot’s all about, it means you’re no faggot but just a teacher, despite how gay the act of fucking a man up the ass is.

Either way, I don’t know where I am going with this, but I am not actually a gay hater, I was just talking craziness, if anything I am an honorary gay because I write about celebrities, I don’t fuck my wife and I have great taste in colors and here is Matthew McConaughey wasted and having an amazing time in Central America doing what I do best without the obesity, anger, puke covered shirt or fingers inside an unsuspecting passed out whore.

All while leaving his pregnant maid back at home because you can’t give her preferential treatment just for letting you plant seed in her, the other maids will revolt and then no one would be there to cook dinner, clean the Air Stream or do the laundry….

I love that people are even talking about Heather Locklear’s drunken antics when all bitch is doing is throwing the shocker and showing us various ways she rock’s the clit, because she is substantially less messy than me or anyone I know who gets drunk, like when I get a little carried away, I don’t just throw out the shocker for laughs, I enforce the shocker and the unsuspecting victim would totally be against it if she wasn’t passed out on the club bathroom floor after puking herself to borderline death. If I had my way, I wished being over-served led to silliness and not illegal shit, because I’d have a much less guilty conscience and probably a few more friends than just my wife, and she’s only my friend because she’s got absolutely no choice.

Since Lily Allen’s dreams of being a mother were rudely ripped from her uterus, she has decided to follow her other dream of being a drunken clown it’s one of those things when you can’t have children of your own because of fetal alcohol syndrome always giving you miscarriages, at least you can make them smile while wearing funny wigs at birthday parites before sexually harassing the moms and throwing up all over your emotionally wrecked self and getting carried away by the dad’s at the party.

On a sidenote the man who is carrying Lily Allen is actually a past winner of a strongman competition and early today has suggested carrying a drunken Lily Allen be one of the challenges because he hasn’t felt this kind of burn after a good work out since the time he tried to pull a dump tuck 100 yards.

Here are her before and after shots, which are more dramatic than mine because I fall somewhere in the middle at all times, doesn’t matter how sober or drunk I am ….I am always a mess, but at least I can always manage to stumble home without the help of a carrier.

This is a nice change of pace because the drunken asshole who can’t make his way out of the bar in Kelly Osbourne’s life is usually the guy guy going home with her because she’s disgusting and you’d have to be wasted to get up in this. The only explanation for anyone sober getting with her would be that they are die hard Sabbath fans and are trying to live out their non-sexual man crush on Ozzy by using his daughter in hopes that it gets serious so that he can change his last name to Osbourne since it’s always been a dream, or dude is just a wallet fucker and wants to ride the fat girl right into the good life. I guess the good news with Kelly Osbourne getting this drunk is that wallet fuckin’ her doesn’t mean you have to actually fuck her, all you have to do is slide into her purse (not her pink purse) and pull the wallet out knowing that she’d have no idea what happened to it when she sobered up the next day. It’s a lot less emotionally abuse of yourself, but to be fair to Kelly, at least she’s got a girl with some kind of skin disorder to take care of her, I guess what they say about fat ugly chick never finding love is all lies.