The hottest part of this video is when Alicia Keys falls on her face, not totally because I hate her, but because I like seeing stuggle on a bitches face, especially when she’s got an ego and things she’s untouchable like Alicia Keys does. She’s fucking everywhere now, pushing this album hard, collaborating with every artist, appearing on every talk show, and now releasing bikini videos to the internet, let’s just hope these bikini videos turn in getting gang banged in the tour bus, cuz I don’t trust a girl until I know what her vagina looks like and even then I don’t trust them, but at least know what their vagina looks like, which is better than not knowing what their vagina looks like, cuz otherwise I’ll just always wonder…if ya know what I mean…

I like to think of myself as a man of the world, a real globetrotter, a man who hasn’t left the comfort of my soiled couch for close to a decade, someone who’s idea of a vacation is when my wife goes to her doctor’s appointments, so the chances of me every witnessing the glorious beaches of Dubai and the hot skimpy outfits the bitches rock are slim to none, but again, I get to live vicariously through the internet and it’s glorious…..

The only time I have ever really watched the nature channel was when I wanted the Kim Kardashian sex tape, so I am not an expert on anything animal related, but I have a feeling that Dolphins are not native to Dubai, you know considering it’s a fucking desert, but somehow Mischa Barton managed to land a publicity gig by showing up to the opening of some 10 Star Hotel that just opened in Dubai called the Atlantis, or maybe she’s just been hired to feed and care for the Dolphins, because these Arabs pay better than Hollywood, especially when Hollywood isn’t giving you any work.

Either way, as she hugs this confused animal, you know trying to figure out how he ended up being stared at by a group of pajama wearing rich dudes in sandals, when just a few months ago he was doing tricks in the wake of yachts in the Caribbean, so despite needing the money badly, she’s pretty much supporting animal captivity and only animal she should be concerned about keeping captive is that pussy of hers, because people like her are so useless that they have no business livin’ so by association, either do anything they spawn in their womb and not some corporation’s idea of what rich people want to see when spending 1000 dollars a night in the most happening city in the world that has no business having wild animal attractions for their guests. It’s the kind of novelty with animal shit that made Michael Jackon’s Neverland ranch the dream vacation for 10-13 year old boys and we all know what that did to that Culkin kids self esteem….

Bad joke? It’s pretty much the story of my life and you’re invited for the ride.

Donald Trump opened a building in Dubai because it’s a booming city and dude knows that he might as will cash in on the Arabs and their money, while America is falling to shit. He kept the event classy by bringing Aguilera in to perform because I guess he’s really trying to gently enter the arab market by discreetly polluting it with American trash.

I know all you patriotic fucks are convinced to hate Arabs because you believe they are trying to take down your country and shit, but the way I see it, they are a progressive nation who put a lot of energy in letting women know their place in the world all while the men go out and make mountains of oil money to bring home to their 4 wives who are dressed like ninjas.

They are a force to seriously be reckoned with and if things go their way, your wives and daughters will be coverin’ up which isn’t so bad considering the kind of perverts our culture breeds. I know that if I had my way, I’d be the only one allowed to see my stepdaughter naked.

Either way, here’s Aguilera slutting out in dessert luxury…..

Ivanka Trump Also Showed Up to the Event Because It is Her Inheritance and Retirement Plan…

Hayden Panettiere was also there, wearing an animal print stripper outfit because she’s wild and dangerous and pretty inappropriate considering it is an Arab city that doesn’t really care to see her midget freakshow body and have reason when they throw a sheet at her to cover that boxy body up…..