Jewel is everyone’s favorite fucked up tooth redneck who was raised in Alaska by wolves, where she was shoeless,homeless and clearly braless. Where her only worldly possessions were an old guitar she made out of bear bones and fur she got when she had to wrestle a bear down for food one cold and snowy night, before stealing a car and bringing her lesbian sound to America where she forumlated this bullshit story for marketing purposes, but the only thing that makes it believable is the sag in her tit that can only come from years of running through the woods hunting and gathering, braiding her armpit hair, howling at the moon without the support these fuckin’ things needed…which I guess is all part of the reason she married a rodeo man, since he’s used to handling wild fucking things with utters.
Here’s some Jewel showing off her doughy body and floppy tits, a lot of people like this look, especially gay cowboys who have spent their lives riding bulls and lookin for something familiar to ride into the sunset on.
It turns out that even normal dudes to, I guess it’s cuz chubby chicks reek of estrogen and we are genetically coded to hunt and seek out the fertile ones….or some shit.
This is not a very big surprise, not because I pretty much saw it happening the one time I saw Dancing with the Stars, and noticed that Jewel’s rodeo husband was a little uncomfortably into his dancing partner, and that was before they spent hours upon hours pressed up against each other, sweating, pulsating to the beat of the music, his erection in her lycra leotard ass, but because after listening to Jewel’s music, there’s no fucking way she’s not a fucking lesbian. Bitch lived in a car, walked around barefoot, played the accoustic guitar, hugged trees and played with wild animals, you know trying to domesticate them to be her audience before venturing out to LA to make it big. The idea of her being married is more shocking to me than the fact that she’s insisted on adding the dancing partner into their relationship and the whole thing should be motivation for you to marry a dyke.
Nothing screams opportunity to me like a girl with a cane. See I am not a very good athlete and girls with canes are very good at running away from me and my awkward boner…I’ve probably said that before, but only because it is the sad truth.
Jewel looks hotter than she has in the past, maybe she’s had some work done, or maybe this hangover and erection are throwing off my judgement.
Seeing her fighting with the wind reminds me of the last few days I’ve left my house during the day where this kind of thing almost happened at least 5 times, you know, where I almost saw pussy that wasn’t my wife’s in the flesh, because summer is coming, the skirts are coming out and I guess girls are out of practice or unsure of how to deal with the elements or some shit, I mean it’s that, or they are just all exhibitionists who want perverts like me knowing what kind of panties they wear, but I doubt that’s the case, because girls don’t like me.
I don’t know why Jewel’s massive Women in Song Volume 24 tits have got deflated, maybe she’s lost weight, maybe she’s on male hormones, maybe she does push-ups, all I know is that she’s got some deflated implant bag cleavage going on and it’s not that much of a turn on, but the fact that she’s on crutches is, you know, since it makes it harder for her to runaway and easier to catch…
Jewel is from Alaska. She is a woman of the wilderness, she lived in a log cabin and hunted bears. She fished and ran around in the snow barefoot. She climbed mountains, rolled around in the snow, her first boyfriend was a salmon who swam upstream…she took him under her hairy armpit and he made her cum harder than the ice dildos she was using before he came into her life….after Sammy the Salmon died, Jewel, in an emotional rage took a walk to California, where she launched her tree hugging, woman of the wilderness with an acoustic guitar in song career, that makes for amazing masturbation music, but apparently didn’t make her enough money to fix her disgusting teeth. Now she’s gone and married some Country Music Star and that motherfucker has ruined the one thing this woman of the wilderness had going for her and that’s her tits.
Like Sammy the Salmon, the fuckers have decomposed and have been given back to the land where they came from, which isn’t that big of a deal, because small tits are hot, but by the look of these fuckers, they are just empty skin sacs that hang off her body, like my wife’s clitoral hood that we haven’t been able to locate in 5 years because shits fuckin’ buried deep.
I guess the point of all this is to say that tits don’t make a woman. Vagina does. So as long as she’s still got her box, and her acoustic guitar, the only foolish game tearing you apart will be the fact that she would never give you the time of day, because you’re not as cool as her Country Star husband, and that’s pretty fuckin’ depressing…just look at him and you’re understand why…..
