I get asked randomly by the one person who cares, who I find hot in Hollywood because I pretty much rip all of these sluts apart like a bitter loser who can’t get the hot popular girl in school, so instead plot to school shoot the fucking place up and teach them that I exist. The truth is, I don’t really find any celebrities hot. I don’t think regular, everyday girls should compare themselves to these whores, because all I see is fake, insecure, fabricated, superficial, shallow, empty sell outs who are only famous because they weren’t loved enough in their youth and because they weren’t the pretty girl in the class or the favorite of their daddy, and that’s normally a turn on, but not when they get to this level of fame and everyone sucks their dick, clouding their judgement, making them believe they are more important than they actually are…..

That said, I’d probably fuck them all, but then again I don’t really have standards, and I never turn down pussy, but Carmen Electra’s always been one of my favorites, she’s got sex appeal and 15 years after first hitting, still has sex appeal and turns out she’s doing Playboy January 2009, sure we’ve all seen it before, but I’m always down to see more.

You liked that poem, admit it, homo.

I guess having a 40 year old Pam Anderson surprising Hef naked, showing off her retarded fake tits and kissing him on the mouth like he’s not a 82 year old, is not that big of a deal, considering he pretty much made her fucking career by having her get naked, like he’s done time and time again for other sluts over the course of his lifetime. At least he’s got enough of a perspective to realize that there’s really nothing for him to wish for, he’s got money, all the hottest pussy in the world, he’s healthy, I mean he’s pretty much had this amazing life and lives this amazing lifestyle that people wish they had….and I find the whole thing totally overrated, I mean sure he has Pam Anderson getting naked for him, but I get girls naked for me too, sure, I don’t have to bother with actually having to talk to them, or compliment her, or make them lots of money, because I do it all here from my command center shitty computer, amongst my garbage and dirty clothes and the girls don’t know I exist, because I’m just watching their videos, but it’s better that way, because if I tried to pull that shit in person, no girls would fall for it…Either way, Watch the Video. Even though it’s OLD.

Some Playboy Playmate did some relationship/picking up girl advice for Spike TV, that she considers good tips to get a Playmate or a girl as hot as a Playmate, pretty much letting us all know that she thinks she’s hot shit, despite us knowing she’s an insecure little girl who we could destroy, provided we could get about 4 minutes of her time if we knew where she hung out….

So here’s my commentary on her picking up advice….consider this a viral video Live Blog attempt….

Intro: She wants to show us how to hit on a hot girl who is as hot as a playmate but may seem out of our league….

Dude, hot girl out of my league , are you kidding, you get naked for money bitch, it’s pretty easy to pick you up all you gotta do is show her you some money or promise you a little more fame than what you have. You are a nobody and so am I, so together we can make magic happens, all I need to do is convince you that I am more important than you and that I can give you more exposure than you already have, which isn’t much, because before today, I never heard of you….

1 – She says don’t rush a girl, let her get comfortable and wait for her to get drunk because she will be more willing to get get with you when she’s drunk….

Good fucking advice, I am sure no guy out there has tried to get a girl drunk, or only been able to land a drunk girl, because if she was sober she wouldn’t give them the time of day, it’s called the story of my fucking life, so I don’t really think that tip is a fucking tip, but just the sad truth that is my life. Thanks.

2- Don’t Use Pick Up Lines….

True, pick-up lines are for shitty frat boys. Just come prepared, before going out, cut out a magazine American Express black card ad, print it up, tape it to a piece of cardboard and flash it as often as you can. Also, print up fake business cards with your name and some fake title at a talent agency or production company. Create a back-up story and with a little photoshop skills and research, she’ll be sucking your dick in a fuckin’ minute. Remember, rich important people don’t need pick up lines, they just need to tell a slut she’s a fucking slut and that they need you to really take shit to the next level.If you treat them like shit, they will wonder why you think you are too good for them and will start sucking up to you to get your approval, but you need to make them think you are more important than they are and the only way to do that is with a fake job.

3- Don’t use a lame wingman….use a wingwoman or a guy she’d rather fuck

If you really want to make an impact, convince your fattest friend to come out with you in a tuxedo and with an ear piece on. Tell him that for the night he is playing your bodyguard and there will be guaranteed pussy for him, because groupies love to fuck anything even remotely associate to someone they think is important. It’s pretty much the same reason why Drummers in bands get laid….all in hopes of meeting the lead singer…

4- Don’t send random drinks….

Seriously, don’t send any drinks, if she wants your time, she better be buying you the drinks, to make this happen, you tell her that you hate girls who use you to get drunk and for exposure and that if a girl really wants your attention, she better be doing the buying. Keep it open ended, but make sure you drive the point home that you will not buy her a drink until she’s your fucking girlfriend, because there are plenty of girls who would die to be in her position now. Success highly depends on how well you play it. You can’t be too cocky, you just need to not give a fuck and show no interest in her, but make sure she buys you more drinks than you buy her, you always need to have the upper hand…

5- Don’t Be Shy ask for her number…..

If it was me, I’d never ask her for her number, I’d work it for her to offer her number, then I’d reject her, saying you have too many numbers in your phone and you won’t call her, that’s when the business card comes out and tell her if she wants to work on some projects, to drop you an email because you are hard to reach during the day as you are busy. Stay too busy for her. If she emails, answer her a week later and pretend it is your assistant writing it. Set up a lunch date to discuss, or maybe even a dinner date, and at that point she’s already masturbated to the thought of what you can do for her and she knows she has to fuck you to keep your attention and really make you work for her.

The only issue with my advice, is eventually, she will catch on, so make sure she doesn’t before you fuck her. Don’t get attached because she will hate you when she finds out you live with your mom and you are a liar, but the key is to get her pussy and that’s how it’s done. You’re not lookin’ for a wife, you’re lookin for a good time, and once you have 20 girls in the mix and constantly working on more, you don’t really care if one of them stops calling.

Either way, who gives a fuck about her delusional advice, especially when you can see her naked without having to bother with useless conversation where you have to pretend to be interested in her stupid ideas and thoughts, while wasting your money on her, when all you really want is a pussy to fuck and not really someone you care to get to know who thinks she’s a bigger deal than she is, because other hot girls have dignity and don’t need to pose in Playboy to feel like they are pretty. Sometimes the idea of cumming on her face is better than trying to convince a girl to let you cum on her face because she thinks she’s too good lookin’ for that…..

I know you’re thinking that I am about to announce that Brooke Hogan is going to be in Playboy and issue some kind of warning that the day it hits newstands you should refrain from eating because it will guarantee throwing up all over the place uncontrolably, but the truth is, the only pussy that ever made me throw up was a meaty, mangled lookin’ mess that smelled like feces and onion, and even that could have been caused by some bad chicken I ate earlier that day. What I find upsetting is that she turned down Playboy for now, and that sucks because I wanted to compare dick sizes like this dude I knew used to do when he was 6. Yeah, yeah, saying Brooke Hogan has a penis is getting dull, but suckin’ Brooke’s penis isn’t and the only way to fantasize about that, is to see her strategically posed in Playboy and that’s not about to happen anytime soon….

Here’s the story:

Brooke Hogan has turned down an offer to pose nude in Playboy.

“Brooke just didn’t feel that it was the right time,” her rep tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. “It’s not out of the question for the future, but we’ll have to see.”

Source - USWeekly

Here she is in a bikini…..

Here she is in another bikini…..

Here she is in another bikini….

Here she is performing in bootyshorts a while ago….

Here she is in FHM With the Power of Photoshop….

I didn’t watch this video and I don’t know if it works, but I do know that it was sent to me by Playboy and Playboy gets girls naked. The subject was something about Sarah Palin, so I am guessing she could be naked, she could be in a bikini and she could midwifin’ her daughter’s birth like my Labor Day videos.

I do know that she’s kinda hot for an old lady, she has a funny accent that makes me feel like if she was 17, I could have knocked her up like she was her daughter and despite losing the Miss Alaska contest to a guy named Bear, because his beard and lumbering skills were better than hers, I’d still like to swim upstream to her fluffy pink salmon even though it’s not so fresh and you know I’m talking about that 5 kid producing pussy that’s more damaged than a fishing cabin after a blizzard because a few other men have beat me to the gold prospecting than I am…..

Sure she’s accomplished and part of a strategic move to not get a black man in office, despite him being smart, down to earth, intelligent and charismatic, while this Palin bitch, who will be your next President after McCain dies from the excitement of getting elected and I don’t think I’d want some small town woman who can’t even run her household in small town Alaska running my country who as a republican may not believe in abortion but still encouraged her crazy underage drinking daughter to get one because she didn’t want her to ruin her teenage life and that’s why they preach this abstinence is like godliness bullshit, when they should just be teaching people about safe sex….either way who cares, I spent too much time on this post because I have a feeling this video is a shitty song that is a take on Jesse’s girl that is not funny, or creative but for some reason making big money for big companies that are about 10 steps behind when it comes to funny.

So it turns out that Paris Hilton has finally come to her senses and dropped this whole lesbian theme that’s been going down the last couple months in Hollywood because it was overbearing and her career went to shit, by leaving her lesbian lover Benji Madden. The rumor is that she’s moved onto the CEO of Myspace named Chris DeWolfe, which is pretty appropriate considering that Myspace is dying as fast as Paris Hilton’s career and this is the kind of thing that a company in extreme desperation would try to stage to get back in the news……

Now I hate Paris Hilton as much as I hate Benji Madden and his suburban rockstar/popstar bullshit image with his fake tattoos, his sex with his twin brother that isn’t gay because it’s like they are masturbating since they are the same person, but I don’t hate either of them as much as I hate Myspace, because neither Paris or Good Charlotte fucked me over personally, I can just ignore their retarded behavior, but Myspace deleted my profile that I was trying to use to get famous like I was Tila Tequila and that shit’s not at all forgivable, kinda the same feeling Chris DeWolfe will feel when Paris Hilton moves onto new cock and he realizes that he threw away his marriage for this subpar broken down vaginaed slut in some act of desperation, mid-life crisis or just plane dirty ol’ man maneuvering.

Here is Paris Hilton celebrating the fact that she’s fucking an old man at the Playboy mansion with other whores who fuck an old man…..it’s nice to see like-minded people finally finding each other, it’s like when two socially awkward people who have no friends in their local towns, but find each other on the internet and end up marrying and living a happy life they otherwise wouldn’t live, but the lingerie, fake tit, blonde, get paid too much money to get naked and fuck on camera because we don’t consider ourselves everyday strippers/whores version…..

Playboy merchandise and branding reminds me of the stripper version of Ed Hardy. It’s like the same misguided tacky club bitches who wear Ed Hardy shit today, were the girls getting the Playboy bunny tattooed to their hip 3 years ago and the girls who are rockin’ Playboy shit today are just really behind the fuckin’ curve on being a trashy whore, and are probably from small towns and spend their nights working the local strip club.

These are the girls who wear tight decorative jeans, have bleached hair and show off their tits all the fucking time and you figure they’d love suckin’ dick but realize that if you have enough money, you can find out for yourself and when you do, you realize that they are actually the worst fucks around because they party too hard and get too much male attention to bother putting any effort in. They are the same girls who have ragged faces and look like they are 35 but when you get drunk enough to approach them, you realize it’s their 22nd birthday but for obvious reasons, we all love them.

Here are some pictures of Playboy’s new swimwear line for sluts everywhere and for the record, I love sluts and don’t really care how tacky a pussy is because as long as there’s a pussy, I’m happy.

Since my computer has AIDS, I figured I’d post this video of Denise Richards potentially setting her nephew up for a future that has a high risk of AIDS. Not only does she talk to him about her Playboy spread but also brings up her threesome in Wild Things with Neve Campbell and Kevin Bacon and the little dude pretty much admitted to seeing “clips” of it probably when googling his Aunts name.

All Denise did when she had “that talk” with the dude was admit that she is someone who gets naked for money, but she didn’t really get into how it’s wrong to get turned on by your aunt and that it’s wrong to masturbate to images of your aunt dyking out, because family may come first, but family isn’t supposed to make you come at all. That’s the kind of shit that leads you to drugs or suicide.

Either way, from now on, no girl he meets will or gets with will be as hot or as good as his aunt and when he realizes that getting off to your aunt is fucked up, when other kids are going to their aunt’s house for dinner, while this punk is going to his aunt’s house to hide in the closet and jerk off while she’s changing until he gets caught and the guilt of being some freak who can only get turned on by his own family member is going to throw this motherfucker into homosexuality, at least that’s my prediction. It’s one of those all women make me think about how fucked in the head I am and all tits make me think of my aunt so I’ll just stay the fuck away from tits….situation.

This clip is 4 days old, I’m the first to admit I am slow movin.

Her name is Nicole Narain and she’s some chick from Playboy who was the co-star in the Colin Farrel sex tape. I remember posting that video a long fuckin’ time ago and Colin Farrel ran after all of us for posting it with lawyers and shit because he’s a huge fuckin’ baby. The reality is that he made gay dudes everywhere happy because they got to see his dick and that was a lot more interesting to them than just always wondering what kinda heat he was packing and put an end to debates in gay clubs everywhere as to whether he was stacked or not. If anything, he did the gay community a favor and gave them something better to worry about like how they should use condoms when they have sex with strangers because it can prevent HIV. Before the sex tape hit, I am pretty sure Colin Farrel’s penis or the mystery of his penis caused so much confusion after getting hot and bothered watching one of his movies on a gay date with the guy they met in a bar that people died because of it.

Either way, I am on a black girl kick right now and think she’s hot enough, I guess Playboy and Farrel already confirmed that for me, in reality the fact she has a vagina confirmed that for me, so here she is showing her nipple.

I don’t like this song at all but I do like the video. It’s got a couple of girls showing off their hot panty asses and bare tits while playing with each other on a bed as the asshole lead singer of the band tries to video tape them like it’s some kind of sex tape….which just makes me mad because the last girl who wanted me to videotape her was my wife on a camping trip so that she would always have the memories of the weekend she ate all our food in the first 24 hours of being in the woods, leading to us having to hunt and gather from the land to survive.

That’s not the point, the point is that I just like my music videos to be more like a porno movie, because I want all things in my life to be more like a porno movie including my life, but that’s just because the girls in porno are so classy and I’m tired of this poverty ghetto life I’m livin’

Here is some broken down WWE chick, Maria Kanellis and she’s celebrating her big Playboy spread. I guess she looks so happy because it’s pretty much the height of her career and she’s hoping it leads to better jobs for her by getting noticed by the public, instead of just by her creepy WWE fans. I am pretty sure when she was a little broken down slut back in her high school, she had would lie in bed at night and dream about the day a magazine will pay her to pose naked for her, because she realized that all that getting naked for free was only giving her some unwanted pregnancies and a false sense of popularity because the dudes in her school liked that she put out.

The good news is that she can take a beating and that’s what we all need out of a future wife, or girl we cut out naked pictures of and staple to our couches pretending she’s our wife, because when that cut out turns you down when you ask for a blowjob, it’s got another thing coming…so she knows better for next time….

So I gave up on the staying locked down shit, it wasn’t working for me and figured if people actually want to kill me, I should just let them try and see what happens. I’m gangster like the suburban kid who shot himself in the leg to tell all his boys that he was shot in a drug war.

This whole daylight’s saving shit is freaking me the fuck out. I went out for my coffee and it was dark outside. I realize that I live in a freezing cold hell and all that shit, but it’s never this dark at 4 pm. But then I realized that Daylight’s Saving time hit and that it wasn’t the apocalypse or anything Will Smith would be trying to save me from in a movie, which was kinda disappointing.

Since my memory is so shot from drinking, I decided to relive last week in this post by throwin’ up these Alessandra Ambrosio pics like all you college kids were throwing up all over your stupid costumes last week. The funniest thing Halloween is how everyone thinks they are so creative with their costumes and when I go through people’s Halloween pictures, everyone wears the same fucking costumes. I guess there’s only 20 concepts people have to choose from and run with, so you see a lot of repeats, like Halloween is Seinfeld and the Playboy bunny is a popular one, so Alessandra may not be all that creative but at least she’s hot and got legs while doing shit a lot better than the 200 pound girl I saw trying to get away with the same fucking costume a couple of days ago. I guess Halloween is a day for dreamin’.

A couple months ago I was crashing on my friend’s couch along with her at her mom’s apartment. Every morning we would take the dogs out to the park to pee and hump each other (the dogs, not us). One morning we noticed a homeless dude passed out in the bushes. One of the dogs ran off, and when it came back, it was covered in hot, wet homeless shit. We freak out. The other dog starts going nuts and fucking this human shit-covered dog. We call her mom and she says to take them to Petco (I was thinking bullets were a better idea).

We leash the bitches up (they are lesbian dogs) and start the 12 block treck to Petco. It’s morning rush hour, the sidewalks are packed, and our two human-diarrhea dogs are rubbing up against people on their way to work. We get to Petco, and the groomer was like, “Holy fuck.”

Two hours later the dogs came back with ribbons and smelling like roses. You know what probably doesn’t smell like roses? Former playmate Kathy Lloyd’s pussy now. These are some old naked picks of her from, Hell, i dunno, the ’80s? ’90s? She probably has peices of Heffner all stuck and rotting up in her vagina. But she was naked then, so I present her to you now. Go masterbate.

Obediently yours,
Sugar Nell (ex-hooker, friend of Jesus)

EMAIL ME HERE

When a woman decides to get naked for the world to see a strange thing happens and that strange thing is that they suddenly become sluts in public, I’m talking everywhere they go. I am not sure if it’s because they figure that since everyone has seen them naked, there is no point in holding back or if it is some prior slut issues that they’ve kept locked up all these years…

To you she’s been Olympic Athlete, to me she’s a whore who spends days upon days upon days in a bathing suit and to her ex boyfriend she was probably the first girl to take it up the ass. I think it’s got to do with being on the swim team that makes girls crazy.

I’ve seen my share of swim teams and all the girls no matter what age flash each other, talk about shaving their boxes and shower together. I remember that was my motivation behind volunteering at the local high school as an assistant swim coach, but I didn’t get the job after I told the coach what my motivation was….

Either way, I guess no one told her that she has a pretty wrecked face, they probably didn’t want to ruin her day, her excitement, she even went out and bought little shorts and heels to have some level of femininity after all those years of being an athlete in the gym, which is about as feminine as Gerri Halliwell’s huge trainer walking her faggot dog….

Bonus – Picture of Gerri Halliwell’s Huge Trainer Walking Her Faggot Dog….

Here are the Kristine Lefebvre June Playboy pics. Bitch is an Apprentice chick who probably had the time of her life on the show, because people actually gave a shit about her for once in her life, and then it all ended when the she got kicked off. She’s probably been to auditions in attempt to get into the public eye again, but nothing worked out, so she went to Playboy, who will pretty much do a spread on anyone who has been on any TV show, including that fat slut from Wilson Philips. Either way, this cry for attention and attempt at fame may just be the kick in the ass this girl needs. It did work for Pamela Anderson….

Playboy always runs after me when I post their shit, so I am not really going to bother uploading them all only to have them all taken down, not to mention I am pretty slow on stories and you have probably already seen all of these, I am just posting them in case you haven’t. I am nice like that….and these pictures are pretty fucking boring. I have seen sexier shit go down and the Old Folks home I used to work at and based on her prison tattoos, I can only assume this isn’t the first time slut’s been topless on camera before…