Yes. That joke is old and tired. Like me. Get it, I’m making reference to her tits because she’s holding actual pumpkins where her tits are. This is next level comedy, motherfuckers should start referring to me as Dane Cook with this caliber of shit. I am ashamed of myself and I’m going to go drink the pain away, because I don’t drink to forget, I drink to remember to drink more. If that makes any fucking sense…..cuz I know it don’t make dollars.

I don’t even know who Cheryl Burke is…..I am bad at this game.

Pics via Fame

The thing people don’t realizing about Shauna Sand is that she’s just a really committed person to having the best Halloween costume, so committed that she got the right surgery, wears the right clothes and starves her haggard self the right amount to pull off the dead stripper who came back from the dead to eat your brains and by brains I mean a fat baggy of cocaine. So thanks to the condition of Shauna Sands body everyday is fuckin’ halloween for her kids and although I assume that will fuck them up, at least one day a year their mom seems normal and the good thing about that for you is that dead strippers corpse is your fetish because let’s face it, you’re a necrophiliac…

Pics via PacificCoastNews

Heidi Montag managed to step away from the hustle and bustle that is her lie of a life on The Hills and re-connect with her roots. You know heading out to the pumpkin patch where she was made by the farmer’s handicapped son and where she worked as a scarecrow for the first 17 years of her life, before somehow managing to take her straw-filled useless body and her face only a farmer’s retard son could love, that made for the best damn face in the scarecrow business, where no crows ever came within 10 feet of the crop with her around, to Hollywood, where she became what she is today. The only remnants of what once was is her soulless body and that face that could stop traffic for being something out of a really low budget horror movie and of course the wonderful memories that she’s decided to share with her fake boyfriend of her time as a device, traditionally a human figure dressed in old clothes, or mannequin, that is used to discourage birds such as crows from disturbing crops, because this time of year is always really nostalgic for her, like the group of seniors I saw celebrating their 60th high school reunion, because besides waiting for death, it’s all they really have to do today…

Either way, here’s Heidi and her plastic tits, plastic life and plastic boyfriend, playing with the crops she once helped protect.