Here’s everyone’s favorite child sex trade escape artist, turned to sport at 9 instead of being a 65 year old man’s little wives, Anna Kournikova. She’s looking nice and skinny, reminiscent of communist Russia, when she would have to wait in line for a stale loaf of bread designated to feed her family of 6 for 3 weeks, or maybe like some Russian Jews after rockin’ the concentration camp a few months and I like it. It’s that level of starvation that screams desperation, you know like “help me mister, I’m so fuckin’, hungry”, pretty much giving you the okay to fuck her throat, making her gag, but never making her puke since her stomach is empty….not that I have ever made a girl gag, I’m just not built like that, but you get what I am sayin, she’s skinny and I like it. Leave me alone.

Here’s some Lindsay Lohan with some skinny legs because she doesn’t eat much more than pussy and coke and I like it. The world’s got too many fat people, so maybe this bitch is onto something.

There is an amazing intensity that comes when you don’t eat for a few days, you know cuz your brain is lacking nutrients and your body is in some kind of hypoglycemic shock, that always keeps you on your motherfuckin toes, never really knowing what to expect, or whether you’ll be killed before they die of cardiac arrest.

My new enemy Lindsay Lohan went shopping to try to remind herself that despite being pretty irrelevant, she’s still got enough money to buy herself anything she wants, so life isn’t all that bad, despite knowing that it is, and she’s lookin’ pretty skinny.

Maybe it’s because she’s back on fucking drugs, but we all know she never stopped taking the drugs. She’s just an unstable bitch who everyone hates, but can’t manage to escape because she hasn’t Heath Ledgered herself, but I am sure she will do us that favor soon enough. She just needs a couple more rejections, failures and episodes. At least we have something to look forward to.

Or maybe she’s so skinny because she’s on an all fish diet. Yes, it is bad joke Monday everyday of the week here at drunkenstepfather.com, because I don’t discriminate against days, I just discriminate against people.

Here is Lohan, the bitch who thinks the world revolves around her, because she’s a spoiled fucking brat who gets what she wants all the time. You know a 21 year old who acts like an irrational 5 year old throwing a fucking tantrum. Sure, it may not be her fault, she is only 21 and has time to grow the fuck up, but I don’t believe in blaming parents, I believe in blaming myself, because ultimately, I am the one who has to live this fucking life.

Sure, she was a child star and was coddled and spoiled by everyone around her because she was their bankroll, so she got everything and anything that she wanted to make sure she kept on producing, kinda like when a horse trainer makes sure his prize race horse gets special treatment when transporting him from race to race, or when a pig farmer lets his state fair prize winner live in the house with his family and makes his wife make extra dinner to give to the fucking pig, or pretty much any other situation where the happiness of one, brings money to many, so many make sure the one is happy. It doesn’t matter.

Here she is shopping, looking skinny and haggard buying vitamins like they will save her weathered face. Let’s hope she pulls a Heath Ledger..

Yesterday I wrote that Lohan is an unstable cunt because she is probably on a lot of drugs and has a lot of time on her hands since the peak of her career was 5 years ago when she was in Mean Girls and it has been a slow and steady ride downhill to unemployment since. You know getting fired for sporadic episodes of Ugly Betty and not getting any movie roles, well I guess I was wrong. She got the gig being the spokesperson/model for Fornarina, a middle the road clothing company that’s not quite designer and not quite Lee Dungaroos.

Annalynne McCord’s a lesbian, at least that’s what people are saying and I don’t really care how she gets off, because she’s relatively unknown and she’s definitely not relevant enough for me to bother with, but when I saw these bikini pictures of her skinny little body, I had no choice but to post them because they inspired me. The reason they inspired me is pretty simple, I knew exactly how I’d role play with her if I was fucking her and it’d be to play Epidemic.

You know how they say the Aids virus started in Africa and was a primate disease. They say that some how it got to people, whether it was from eating their meat or fucking them, sure it’s just s hypothetical theory to distract you from figuring out that it was government created in a lab to wipe out the gays and blacks in a White Christian world, but that doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that I’d make her hide behind a house plant, I’d dress in my favorite khakis and safari helmet, and I’d walk through the room hunting her and the second she flings her shit at me, I’d jump her and fuck her raw dog from behind as animalistic as possible in hopes of getting a disease to wipe out millions of people, it’d be the best orgasm of my life….and since that is never going to happen, we’ll just have to check out this monkey-lookin’ bitch in her bikini.

What better way to ring in the New Year than to show off to the world what the last 12 months of serious drug use has done to your shit stained body. I guess that was the motivation behind Lohan’s setting up these staged bikini pictures. I guess it’s hard trying to stay in the Limelight when the only job you can get is being your girlfriend’s sidekick at Night Clubs in Miami. It probably gives you a lot of opportunity to have alone time to think about where your life went wrong, how shitty it is as she’s choppin’ up the next fuckin’ line. It probably gives you enough time to get psycho jealous of Ronson and try to leash her in and tell her who she can and can’t talk to, because your broken little soul fears abandonment and likes to be the boss. Lohan is a crazy bitch, but at least she’s not a fat crazy bitch and by the looks of it, the drug abuse is doin’ okay for her especially when the shit finally kills her. I mean I don’t wish death upon anyone, but I the slow demise of an insecure, broken down, sad person is like porn to me. Fall from the fucking top you fucking cunt and just because you’re skinny, doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking pig.

Lesbian Lohan is skinnier than ever and it’s all thanks to cocaine at least I assume that it is, I mean I know she’s been eating lots of pussy, but that meat pie’s got really nothing to do with weightloss, even if it has no calories despite the lovely sour fishy taste. I also know that she goes on these benders where she stocks up on shitty food and candy, which I assume is to tide her over from periods when she can’t do blow, like for plane rides, but it could jus tbe her falling off her anorexic wagon.

Who knows, maybe she’s not on drugs, or anorexic and is just addicted to exercise and being healthy while her life is finally finding stability, love and is getting on track….

But no matter what it is, I think it’s safe to assume that she’s tired of being the fat one in her lesbian relationship, since Ronson looks like she was some premature twin with fetal alcohol syndrome who was second in line at the trough while in the womb, you know with her grey skin, bags under her eyes and that look of death only a confused child star could find attractive that she’s always got…

Either way, she’s in leggings, showing off her legs and since I like skinny chicks, I’m posting it.

The one good thing about models, even if the model in question was born with a penis, or at least looks like she was because she has the hardest fucking face around, it their legs. They generally don’t have tits, don’t have an ass, and may not even have a pussy, but long skinny legs are always fun to look at, especially when your life revolves around a wife who doesn’t have knees anymore, but instead has a set of deep set dimples where her knees were buried in obesity. Sure, you may not want legs you can wear as a scarf because you find shit bony and creepy, but walk a mile in my shoes before judging me, because the last time my wife tried to put her leg on my shoulder it dislocated, and instead of it feeling like I was wearing a scarf and about to go for an amazing lunch, it felt like I was in a work related accident at a chemical factory that smelled like shit, or maybe being smothered by a hundred pound bag of rancid cottage cheese that smelled like shit, or even like getting stuck under a bouncy castle with a preschool of kids jumping on the shit after half of them accidentally shit themselves with excitement, explaining the smell of shit, all with no way out but suicide and that probably traumatized me enough to be drawn to these long and luxurious model legs.

Michelle Trachtenberg went to some Nylon event because she’s got nothing better to do with her time that hang out with a bunch of self-proclaimed fashionistas at their magazine party, but she made the mistake of showing up with Billionaire Lydia Hearst because next to skinny Lydia Hearst, Michelle Trachtenberg looks like some kind of monster. Her enitre body, from face to thick angles looks like she lost a mud wrestling match with elephantism, but I’m not doctor, I could be wrong.

I kinda have a soft spot in my heart for Lydia Hearst. We became facebook friends and she was always nice enough to answer me up until recently. I tried to convince her to buy my site off me because I can’t afford to pay the servers or to license pictures and thought she had lots of excess money from her greatgrandfather’s media empire, but she didn’t bite, so if the site gets shut down, you know who is resposible for it.

BONUS: Lydia Hearst at Some Other Event Showin’ Some Tit

I know that I linked these pictures last night, but since no one clicks on my links, I figured I’d throw them up here because they confuse me. Nicky Hilton’s legs look like they are from Ethiopia and haven’t eaten much more than a couple of malaria ridden flies in the last 6 months or like the have full blown Aids from a blood transfusion they got 15 years ago because they are hemophiliacs or maybe even from an unfortunate one night bareback session with some dude they met at a bath house….but the rest of her looks thick and sloppy.

I am all for eating disorders, because I like my women skinny but I prefer them when they have an entire body affect and don’t just target one body part because it makes bitch look like some kind of cartoon and the last time I fucked a cartoon I thought my dick turned into a multicolor mess with googly eyes, but it turned out it was just the liquid acid someone slipped in my drink and I was actually just fucking a shoe I found on the side of the road. It was pretty embarrassing.

Here are some pictures of Tara Reid dressed like a Golden Academy Award because we’re all allowed to have dreams and if you can’t win one, you might as well be one. She’s at some She’s all socially conscious at some Live Earth event and I’m not talking about knowing where the next big party is or what time she’s meeting her friends for more drinks at the exclusive after-party like the socially conscious party sluts I know, I mean doing good for the environment by promoting the Smart Car for some Live Earth event that she is probably getting paid to do because the only Live Earth Tara Reid knows is a shot she once had at a college Frat party in Mexico during Spring Break that lead to her getting gang banged….

I am a fan of the fake tan, but I am also the kind of guy who only interacts with strippers and considers spending an afternoon in the waiting room of a Tanning Salon a good time because I get to see the cheesy bitches outside of their club elements. I am also a fan of Lionel Richie and all thing trying to emulate him.

To be fair, Tara Reid spends most of her time in the dark, where trying to figure out how much is too much especially when all the girls around you are more orange than you are because having a glowing face igets you noticed, not to mention she was probably wasted when she did her make up, and I know that whenever I am wasted and end up putting on my wife’s make-up to cater to her lesbian fantasies, I always end up lookin like a 300 pound tranny who just got punched in the face by a group of preschool finger painters….

When I look at Tara Reid, I am reminded of myself. Not because I am a skinny little blonde chick with fake tits, but I wish I was, because I’d never stop trying to get into my pants, but because I am an alcoholic and respect people with the same life goals as me, that don’t involve having a respectable career and making money for the luxury life, but taking what you can get and making money to just get fucked up. Now my drinking budget is a lot more pathetic than hers and usually leaves me in the gutter blinded from drinking rubbing alcohol all night, while she’s out touring different cities in the World at the hottest parties but the foundation of what we do is the same and when blinded by rubbing alcohol you’re really in no position to be rockin’ the hottest parties anywhere but inside your heads.

Speaking of hallucinating, I had serious alcohol withdrawal after a few days of binge drinking, it was the first time it had happened to me in years but I’ve been goin’ hard lately because I have bad friends who think it’s funny to get me drunk and destructive and I was raised to never turn down a free shot of anything. So the withdrawal hit was because I didn’t have any money to get more drink in me and because I’m damaged fuckin’ goods and my brain and body can’t deal with alcohol anymore. It basically involved me laying in bed next to my furnace of a wife which is convenient since it’s winter, so she’s good for something, staring at the ceiling shaking and convulsing and having visions of a young slut bouncing on my dick which was alright until I found out she had AIDS.

Speaking of AIDS, Here’s Tara Reid drifting into full blown, if you know what I mean, if you don’t just look at them legs. I guess the party’s gotta stop sometime.

Nothing says I love my sister like shoving my tongue down her throat while drunk at her birthday party, unfortunately the Simpson sisters are good little bible thumpers and despite lesbian incest being common in small towns along the bible belt, it’s still frowned upon when you have more options of people to have babies with. It’s like the fallback plan in a community of 15 to keep the community alive, you know a matter of survival, but it’s much better for the health of the community if someone lures in new blood.

That said, I made a new friend last night. He was walking on the streets at 2 in the morning completely lots. He was in his 50s and he was wearing dirty mix matched clothes, so I figured we’d get along since we have the same stylist. He had his bus pass on a rope around his neck and he didn’t know where the bus stop was. He also didn’t know where he was going and I could tell that through his thick glasses, he was scared. So I decided to help, because I am a hero and I was alone and didn’t mind the company. The dude definitely had some kind of retardation going on. I am not sure if he was just insane, or if he was a full fledged waterhead, or if he was just socially awkward, so I did what every hero does. I got him drunk.

We walked in some local watering hole, and we just drank, off his retard monthly check the government gives him. The conversation wasnt’ too good and every 3 minutes he’d get up to go to the bathroom. I constantly caught him confused and drooling and I was starting to realize that maybe booze didn’t mix well with his meds. He ended up vanishing on me. He got up threw his glass on the ground, broke his chair and stormed off stuttering, jittering and convulsing. I think he was having an episode. I wonder if he got home safely…

Either way, here are some boring pics of the Simpson sisters together, probably congregating to get their stories straight on how Papa Joe molested Jessica and not Ashlee, because she’s the ugly sister who wasn’t good enough for her daddy to get a piece of. I like seeing them together to remind us all that Ashlee is the ugly one, and probably feels a lot like the retard I was with last night, you know low self esteem, never fitting in, always being laughed at, trying so hard to be normal or up to par, but always falling short because asshole can’t find his bus home, even with his bus pass around his neck on a rope like he was 5 years old.

I shoulda married a model. When I look at my wife I always feel like I sold myself short. Then I look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but if I was to live this life differently, I’d be that dude who bangs models because I think models may not be the hottest bitches out there, but they think they are and that’s makes cumming on their faces way more fun.

Kate Moss is hot, she’s a bit of a wreck, she’s getting older, she has a British Grill, looks a little haggard, she’s spent the last 10 years with lots of money in the bank and little to do with it other than have meaningless relationships, cocaine and going to clubs getting drunk. Models are pretty much retired by 30 and tall skinny party sluts that act a little more glamorous than the whores you see at the bars, because they work in the fashion industry, and the fashion industry is so fucking luxurious….but a party slut is a party slut no matter what and all party sluts take it in the ass this good life isn’t as good as knowing that Kate Moss takes in the ass.

The other good news for me is that it’s never too late to make changes, guys age well and like the drug dealer I saw the other night in his mid-50s with 8 hot model looking girls on his arm, while hustling every girl who walked by him, hot chicks are dumb enough to be bought.

So my goal is to find a way to turn this site into a Perez Hilton type site, end up on TV everywhere and use all that 5 minutes of undeserved fame to bed as many models as I can with my limp useless dick that I will use Viagra to revive, but unfortunately Viagra won’t make it look less like an oversized clit…but who cares, my fame will distract bitches from my big clit/little dick and don’t worry, I know this is all fantasy, the closest thing I’ll ever have to fame is being recognized at the local convenience store.

There was a time when I had a pretty rude gay, black , Jewish blogger working on the site, but he became some kind of drug addict and only delivered a couple posts, so I hunted down Julien to be the next gay to take this site to Perezdom…because it turns out people are fags. Since Julien is a sex addicted drug using freakshow he wrote a pretty intensely gay post…I think he miss understood when I said be bitchy with write about having a dick in your ass like you’re a bitch…anyway this is what he wrote:

This guy was fucking me last night and after he came, he fell asleep, like right after. It was like someone had hit him over the head and he passed out. I mean he was still inside me and he was fucking snoring. In my younger years, I would’ve just pulled him off of me and rolled over and went to sleep, but I’m older and wiser and empowered or some shit. So instead of just lying there I decided to help myself out. I figured I might as well get something out of this night. So I jerked myself off with the guy still lying on top of me. The guy finally woke up after some of my wad shot on his face. He completely flipped out and kept on saying he hadn’t been so insulted in his entire life and blah blah blah. So he got his clothes on and stormed out of the apartment. I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s just cum, it’s actually good for the skin. It’s better than a facemask. I should sleep with someone like Keira Knightly. I mean, she has such great skin, guys must cum on her face all the time.

Smooch!

Julien

I told him that that was by far too fucking intense for my readers since this isn’t a gay erotic site and the best case scenario some virgin in the mid-west probably got hard to that shit and is now driving around with a baseball bat that he is going to use to kill some local faggot because he thinks it’s the only way to reclaim his manhood…so Julien came back at me with this one….

A few months ago, some famous bitch said that gay men, specifically fashion designers, were to blame for all of the eating disorders and skinny women in the media because they have some unrealistic ideals of what a woman should be. Now if you look at a train wreck like whatever Jenna Jameson is turning herself into, I would agree with her. I mean have you seen her lately? She looks like the fucking creature from the black lagoon. But for every Jenna Jameson, there is a Keira Knightly. I mean this bitch is skinnier than a chopstick but she is fucking hot. If this is what a combination of gay men and eating disorders can accomplish, I have nothing bad to say. Hell, she’s the reason I only eat one meal a day. She’s totally my thinsperation.

So when all those homophobes are saying that gay men should burn in hell and blah blah blah remember, we created Keira Knightly.

Smooch!

Julien

Maybe the gay thing’s not going to work so well, but I am sticking to it…so come back tomorrow for more!