Sophie Monk is showing off her pie eating contest winning legs and I don't mean lesbian legs because she dated that Good Charlotte motherfucker who clearly doesn't have a dick, and she's doing it in a pair of short trashy shorts that remind me of the 90s, which in a totally unrelated story, were fucking horrible, but I still think she's got it going on, because she is weird lookin' and sometimes weird is good unless weird looking is scary, like something out of a horror movie, or like DJ AM's new face, in which case weird lookin' is better kept in a burlap bag.

The funny thing about cheerleaders is that they usually fuck the football team, in Hayden Panettiere’s case she is the football team. This strong man has thick muscular legs built for lifting and I have the feeling that she originally applied to be a stage hand or Kristen Bell’s bodyguard and the director realized he needed someone to stand in for a Fridge on set. When she did such a good job being boxy in the corner, he figured she deserved a talking role.

All this is just speculation, but what isn’t is that Hayden is short and stalky, like a retard bus, but can hold her own in the big man’s world because genetics gave her strength, and that strength is the ability to lick her own asshole while juggling because that’s just what circus performers do and pretty much the only reason I like them.