Random Joke Thread

[DSF Guest 8]

Found in my inbox this morning.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of Crown. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Damn," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the fuck out."

"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"

"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

[Randal Graves]

Makes me afraid that someone might molest my dog.

[DSF Guest 1]

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket andasked for half a head of lettuce.The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads oflettuce.The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosserwants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing rightbehind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy theother half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with thewayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier.We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballersthere." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

[goonarms]

Both great jokes, i haven't heard either of them surprisingly

[DSF Guest 1]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreedto a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, wediscovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it wastoo late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed littlePop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

[satan666]

those first 3 jokes were good...

I'm changing the name of this thread so post your jokes here.

Good jokes only! Alright let's have 'em!

[DSF Guest 1]

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the
quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

[DSF Guest 1]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

[Randal Graves]

Fucking poor people

[riserox33]

i need my itching and burning to start....

[DSF Guest 8]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

HAHAHAHAHAHA...*inhale*....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[DSF Guest 8]

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[DSF Guest 8]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”

“Open it now!” he demands.

She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.

“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.

“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.

“Do it!”

So the nurse sucks it back.

“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.

The nurse does as she’s told.

Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?”

[DSF Guest 8]

A double shot in case I actually see daylight this weekend...

Two drunks are laying on the floor, and one of them is sticking a finger in and out of the other drunk’s ass.

When a cop walks by and looks at the drunks, he says, “What the hell are you two doing?”

The first drunk replies, “Oh, I’m just helping my friend vomit.”

So the cop says, “Do you think I’m stupid? Sticking your finger in his ass is no way to make your friend vomit.”

“Just wait until I stick it in his mouth,” replies the drunk.

[adamhomeboy]

nice one Pendragon - well, nice 2 actually
here's a triple shot to beat your double

-------------------------------------------
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia.

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,

"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fucken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

-----------------------------------------

HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that . In case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold

-------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.
"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."
The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out." she storms.
Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance", says the barmaid. "Now what do.........you want ?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?", he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.
"I'll kill him. where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it ?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love - I'm not fucking with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness !

[DSF Guest 8]

Heard the first 2, still funny tho. The last one is pretty good too.

[googoogjoob69]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are sitting in divorce court front of the judge and the judge looks down at Mickey and says, "So, Mr. Mouse, what you're trying to tell me is you want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because you think she's crazy." Mickey hangs his head and responds, "No, Your Honor, I didn't say my wife was crazy... I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!"

[DSF Guest 8]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[DSF Guest 8]

Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[DSF Guest 8]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.” Just then, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s OK,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”

[DSF Guest 1]

Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one

[DSF Guest 1]

This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel. The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service", states the drunk. The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies,"Give it time, lady, give it time."

[DSF Guest 1]

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good
morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know,
leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your
hands over your ears and grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone
points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically
every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT DARES


1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot
him with double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then
ask, "Did you get all that,I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise
your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink
directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT DARES


1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once,
it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while
they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you
"really have to go do a number two."

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad
Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair
into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness,I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am
slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to
the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked
why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell
him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,
etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your
desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the
back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee
and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your
chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent
each meeting attendee,move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

[DSF Guest 8]

“This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun, and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun, we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!”

-Clark Griswold

[DSF Guest 8]

Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills...nunchaku skills... bow-hunting skills...computer-hacking skills... "forum posting skills?"

-Napoleon

[DSF Guest 1]

Say "what" again! Say "what" again! I dare you, I double dare you, mother-fucker! Say "what" one more Goddamn time!

Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)

[DSF Guest 8]

LOL. Even if noone reads this damn thread it keeps me amused :)

[DSF Guest 1]

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." The doctor says, "That's impossible!"She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

[DSF Guest 8]

Oldie but a goodie!

[bdpeace]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bartender says, "what's with the steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "AARRRRRRGGGHHH....... It's drinvin' me nuts!" (this must be said quite loud in a pirate accent for it to work!)

[bdpeace]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer...and a mop."

[bdpeace]

Q: What do you call scottish midget chickens?

A: Chicken McNuggets.

PS. sorry, I know that one really stinks.

[mathiaswvu]

What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.




What's the worst part about hunting elephants?

Carrying the decoys.

[Stl]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Lubbock, TX. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[Stl]

A mother and father took their six-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "parts" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Satisfied with this answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[n8van2]

I've got a stiff neck. It's about to drive me insane. I took a Viagra pill and didn't swallow it quick enough.

[DSF Guest 8]

#1) We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Mister, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

#2) The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"

She is an elementary school teacher.

[DSF Guest 1]

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1 . Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

[DSF Guest 1]

I thought it was funny
http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/1/43jan29-truth-in-advertising.jpg

[JesusMartinez]

i read the first one about the bad dog - it was funny. I wrote a joke once but I forget how it goes - I always forget jokes - even my own. I can guarantee it wasn't very funny...

[DSF Guest 8]

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

[mathiaswvu]

One day little johnny was in class when his teacher announced every friday she would ask a question and whom ever answered it correctly wouldn't have to come to school on monday.
The first friday came along, and she asked "How many gallons of water is there in the world?" No one knew. So little johnny decided to wait until next friday, so he could get it right.
The second friday came along, and the teacher asked, how many grains of sand is there in the whole world? No one knew. Johnny was getting angry, because he really didn't want to go to school on Monday. So when the third friday came along johnny decided to paint to ping-pong balls black and put them in a paper bag.
Right before the teacher asked the question, he opened his bag and rolled the ping-pong balls at her feet. The teacher exclaimed, "OK who's the comedian with the black balls?" "Bill Cosby" johnny said, "See ya Tuesday!"

[DSF Guest 1]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes,Father, Tis I."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, TommyShaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five goodleads."

[DSF Guest 1]

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time,was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning."My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly. "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

[DSF Guest 1]

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Moral of this story???
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.

[hithiphop.com]

What do you call a fagget with a 16 inch penis?

A pain in the ass..

[DSF Guest 8]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

[DSF Guest 8]

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL

[DSF Guest 1]

Mr. Coen: Hi, Jim Marshall please?
Mr. Marshall: Speaking, who's this?
Mr. Coen: Hey Jim! It's Arthur, Arthur Coen!
Mr. Marshall: Arthur Coen?
Mr. Coen: Remember? The Tapersville Terrible Tarantulas? The bleachers? Must have been, gee whiz, like, 40 years ago.
Mr. Marshall: Terrible Tarantu... ART! Hey, Art, how the hell are you? God, I haven't heard from you since those Little League games!
Mr. Coen: I'm great, I'm great! Liz and I finally decided to come to Florida after a while, life's been great! How've you been? How's your boy, Billy?
Mr. Marshall: Oh, good, good. Still here in Tapersville, though, Alice and I found a nice retirement community. Just taking it easy. And Billy's good. He's doing insurance sales in Parkston, two towns over.
Mr. Coen: Oh I see, I see. Guess that amazing pitching arm of his didn't play out very well, huh?
Mr. Marshall: No, it didn't. He kept playing through high school and into college, but ended up breaking his arm in some fraternity prank. His aim was never the same after that.
Mr. Coen: Oh, wow, that's a shame.
Mr. Marshall: Yeah, he took it pretty hard. He kept trying for a while. We put a lot of time and money into his physical therapy, but it didn't pan out very-
Mr. Coen: Hey, did you watch the Oscars last night?
Mr. Marshall: Excuse me?
Mr. Coen: The Oscars? Did you watch them?
Mr. Marshall: Oh, right. I was able to catch the very end of them...
Mr. Coen: Oh, good! So you saw those two "queer ass camera nerds that are someone's crap excuses for sons", then?
Mr. Marshall: Huh?
Mr. Coen: You know, the two brothers who won two Oscars last night, for Best Director and Best Overall Picture?
Mr. Marshall: I.. yeah, I saw someone accepting something for a movie, uh, "No Old Country" or something...
Mr. Coen: Oh yes, "No Country for Old Men", that took in $1,226,333 in its opening weekend and $58,263,567 overall, to date.
Mr. Marshall: Yeah. Listen, Arthur, I know what this-
Mr. Coen: "No Country for Old Men". God, what a landmark film. Especially from two "bratty, whiny sops who can't play baseball worth a damn".
Mr. Marshall: Arthur, I'm sorry, I've had a long time to reflect, and-
Mr. Coen: So how's the rest of Tapersville been? I haven't been around in a while, I think I might come back and have my sons buy everything.
Mr. Marshall: Arthur-
Mr. Coen: But hey, enough about my boys, let's talk about Billy! Insurance sales, huh? Still working off those physical therapy payments?
Mr. Marshall: Sob...
Mr. Coen: Weird how life turns out, huh, friendo?

[DSF Guest 8]

A couple, both well into their '80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." They pay his $50 bill and leave.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

[steyr]

I was in a fender-bender the other day - got rear-ended by a big ol' Lincoln on the main drag.
When I got out to check the driver of the other car climbed out too.
Turned out to be a dwarf with a huge scowl on his face.
First thing he said was " I'm Not happy"
So I sez-"So which one ARE you?"

[Randal Graves]

I don't know why I haven't been reading this thread. I just gave it 5 stars.

[DSF Guest 8]

ty leroy. I try to post a few a week :) Bigg is a regular as well

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

[dude]

A guy and his girlfriend were gonna have sex, but they were at his parents house, so they had to do it on the top bunk of his brothers bed. So the girl says, If I want it faster, I'll say lettuce, slower, I'll say tomato. So they get goin at it and she get's yellin lettuce! tomato! lettuce! tomato!, when all of a sudden the dudes little brother says, "Quit making sandwiches up there, you're gettin mayonnaise all over me!"















.

[DSF Guest 1]

I want to live my next life backwards:You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you're too young to work.You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.Then you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...You finish off as an orgasm.I rest my case.

[DSF Guest 1]

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

[DSF Guest 1]

Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and the heat was uphigh. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?" "Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed." "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right dear," as he stumbled back into bed.

[Bishop Streicher]

Have you guys heard? They're making Weekend at Bernies 3...starring Heath Ledger...too soon?

[ReverendPete]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

[ReverendPete]

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Black.

So Johnny says "Mom, am I more Black or more Jewish?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Black or more Jewish?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"

[satan666]

i try to read 'em cuz there's some funny shit here but i never have any to contribute :(

i'm gonna ask Jesus to link some in his steplinks

[DSF Guest 8]

A Polish mechanic is fixing his headlights. “Help me out here,” he yells to his buddy. “Is my blinker working?”

The friend says, “Yes…no…yes.”

[DSF Guest 8]

A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.

“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”

[DSF Guest 8]

This college professor has a really foul mouth. The guys love it, but after a few weeks some of the female students start to get offended and decide to stage a walkout the next day.

The following morning before class, the professor is tipped off about the protest. So he waits until all the students are settled in their seats and then says, “So, the USS Indianapolis is coming into port after months at sea. Bet those boys’ll fuck anything that moves.”

At that moment a bunch of coeds get up and head for the door.

“Ladies,” the professor continues, “they’re not docking until tomorrow.”

Done for today... I love that professor :)

[satan666]

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haha...i'm gonna tell this to my Polish friend...lol

[Chiefrocker6]

What's the hardest part of being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

[jboy54]

What is the best part of banging twenty-eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.

How did Chris Beniot's wife die?
She forgot to tap out.

Why didn't superman save princess Di when she got in her car accident?
He was in a fucking wheelchair.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet.

And of course, a horrible dead baby joke:
How do you make a dead baby cry twice?
Wipe your dick on its teddy bear.

[ReverendPete]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

What's the worst part of being a pedophile?

Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

Keep this going!

[DSF Guest 1]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

[Bam-Bam]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[Bam-Bam]

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes", comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.

[towdog]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies."
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly, KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

[DSF Guest 8]

From my son after school the other day...

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half a cat.

Bigg will love that one:)

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”

[DSF Guest 1]

you are correct sir, half a cat, killed me. When I get home, I'm gonna punt one across the yard just for you!!!

[Bam-Bam]

The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that, it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.


Joe was shocked, and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning, and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store, and thought, that's what I need...a new suit.

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, I'd like a new suit.


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, That's right, how did you know?

Been in the business 60 years, the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, How about a new shirt?

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, Sure.

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, Let's see, 34 sleeves, and 16-1/2 neck.

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?

Been in the business 60 years.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.


He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, How about some new underwear?

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, Let's see...size 36.

Joe laughed, Ah ha!

I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[ReverendPete]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's 'doing' her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect! Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

[towdog]

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day
his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he
was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's
religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at
the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner.

"Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny.

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny.

[Bam-Bam]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Bam-Bam]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[DSF Guest 1]

http://pintumbler.org/Misc/eek/santa_sucks.jpg

[flyingburrito]

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


Wait for it....................


The taste.

[Bam-Bam]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[Bam-Bam]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Bam-Bam]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[JLE1020]

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The
doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

[JLE1020]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of
them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the
monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains
for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

[JLE1020]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.

He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

[daveyeti]

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of course it's not too soon. Jeez - if they wait any longer it's going to be really nasty.

[daveyeti]

Jeffrey Dahmer is walking through the woods at night with a little boy.

The little boy says, "Gosh, these dark woods sure are scary."

Dahmer replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back to the car alone"

[DSF Guest 1]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And help me be careful of the toes I step on today. As they may be attached to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Fridays.

Help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day & it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

[DSF Guest 1]

1. What is the area between the vagina and the anus called? A chin rest.

2. One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wakeup the cunt."

[Bam-Bam]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

[n8van2]

A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, where do baby's come from."

"Well honey, they come from a stork," she replies.

He thinks for a minute. Then asks, "Oh. Then who fucked the stork?"

[JLE1020]

One weekend a daughter came up to her father and ask him if she could go to a party. The father replied and said, "No."

"Come on dad, please?"

"No," said the dad.

"PLEASE DAD?"

The dad said "All right, but on one condition."

"What?" replied the daughter.

"You got to suck my dick."

The daughter said, "All right I will."

So she's down blowing her dad and said, "Damn dad your dick tastes like shit."

The dad said, "Yeah, your brother had to borrow the van."

[JLE1020]

A man walked up to a hooker and asked how much she charged for a hand job.

"$100," she replied.

"Fuck," said the man. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"

"See that Porsche parked over there?" she said. "I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town."

The man thought that this was OK and agreed to the fee.

The hand job went on for hours. The guy loved it so much that he asked how much she charged for a blow job.

"$250," she replied.

"Fuck! That's a bit rich isn't it?"

"See that block of units behind the Porsche?" said the whore. "I paid for that with cash because I give the best blow jobs in town."

"Son of a bitch," said the patron. "I'll give that a go."

When the pro finished the best blow job the man had ever had, he asked her how much for the real thing.

"See that factory behind the block of units?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"Well," she sighed, "That'd be mine if I had a pussy."

[Bam-Bam]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Bam-Bam]

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar.

[DSF Guest 8]

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Already posted.

[DSF Guest 8]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

[DAS]

A guy and his wife are at a nude beach for the first time, after being a little apprehensive at first, the wife begins to relax a bit. She lays her legs flat and spreads them wide, all of the sudden she sees a bee fly into her vagina. Being allergic to bees she freaks out and awakens her husband, they immediately rush to the hospital. Once at the hospital, a doctor examines her and says "I'm going to put a little honey on my finger and try to lure him out." After a few minutes with no luck he tells the husband, "I need something a bit longer and wider, so I'm going to use my penis", the husband argues a bit but is assured by the doctor that it is purely a medical procedure and he will derive no joy out of it. The husbands goes down the hall to get a cup of coffee and comes back ten minutes later. He walks in on the doctor rigorously fucking his wife, and says "I thought you were just gonna stick it in to get the bee out" and the doctor replies "That didn't work so now I'm gonna drown the son of a bitch!"

[DSF Guest 8]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[DAS]

A guy walks into a bar, behind the bar directly behind the bartender, he sees a Monkey sitting on the ledge of a mirror. Right next to the monkey is a golden hammer. The patron asks the barkeep...

"So what's with the hammer and the monkey?"

Barkeep says, "I'll show you"

He takes the hammer and hits the monkey on the top of his head, the monkey immediately climbs from the ledge, unzips the barkeeps pants and commences to suck the barkeeps dick like there was candy at the bottom.

The Patron says "Wow, that's amazing!"

Barkeep "You wanna try it?"

Patron "Sure, I'll try it, just don't hit me on the head so fucking hard"

[Bam-Bam]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

[Bam-Bam]

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."

[DSF Guest 8]

Google and Chuck Norris

http://clients.arranschlosberg.com/chuck/index.htm?query

[DAS]

So these two cannibals are eating a clown, One cannibal looks at the other cannibal and says...

"Does this taste funny to you?"
:D

[monkeyslayer]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

hahaha

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html

[dude]

Arguing on the internet is like competing in the special olympics, no matter if you win or lose, you're still a fucking retard.

[Bam-Bam]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[DSF Guest 1]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk. "What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

[DSF Guest 1]

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sitt here drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded,

"She doesn't like beer."

[DAS]

A woman was in a coma and had been in it for months. When nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath, one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked…."









http://i32.tinypic.com/2ur71oj.jpg

[DAS]

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

[DAS]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years, You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these ev ents, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.'

[DAS]

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her
to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene and addressing the biker says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do
in my whole life."
The biker replies, "why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this
on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?"
The biker tells him, "a Harley Davidson."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper
to see if it indeed brings news of his actions,
and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[DAS]

Guts vs Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really Know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

[DAS]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald 's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[DAS]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" a sked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

[DAS]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

[DAS]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by Little Johnny with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son, but is your mom or dad in?"

The boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

[DAS]

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

"I know these things," replied the Indian.

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."

"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

"I know these things."

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."

"How'd you know that!?"

"Ear wet."

[DAS]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

[DAS]

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".

He says, "Cause that's a fucking microwave!"

[DAS]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[towdog]

A boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out, so the boy asks his father what they are doing. His dad replies, "They're making a cake." The boy says, "Oh." The next day they go to the zoo and there are two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad, "What are they doing?" His dad replies, "They're baking a cake." So they go home and the next day, the boy says to his dad, I know what you and mom were doing last night, you were baking a cake." The father asks the boy, "How do you know?" The boy replies with a big grin, "Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning."

[towdog]

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."

She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!"

[steyr]

You know why they wear kilts in Scotland?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

[DSF Guest 8]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

[ReverendPete]

What's black, white, red all over and has trouble getting through revolving doors?


A Nun with a spear through her head.

[mathiaswvu]

how do you make a cat go woof?

soak it in gas and light a match to it..... WOOOOFFF

how do you make a dog go meow?

freeze it and run it thru a bandsaw......MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW

[Bam-Bam]

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[Bam-Bam]

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh shit, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[DSF Guest 1]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

there's a video of this that is much better.....

[DSF Guest 1]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[DSF Guest 8]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

I linked it here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdTaYw6dLF4

[ReverendPete]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

Always a classic!

[Bam-Bam]

There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything.

The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks."

"Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"

"No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!

[artaco]

This guy decides he wants to retire from the real world and become a pig farmer. So he builds a sty and buys some pigs.

After a while he notices that the pigs are not mating so he goes to the "pig farmer expert" and asks for some advice.

The guy told the farmer that sometimes you have to show them how to do it. Put them in the back of you truck, take them out into the woods, and show them ALL what’s up.

The next morning the farmer puts all the pigs into the back of his pick-up and drives off to a secluded place in the forest. He then proceeds to have sex with every pig.

When he arrived home he released the pigs back into their sty and went to bed exhausted.

A couple weeks later he noticed they still were not mating so he loaded the pigs back into the truck and went off to the forest for another round. He got home released the pigs back into the sty and went straight to bed again.

He awoke the next morning to his wife staring out the window and quickly asked her if the pigs where mating.

She said no, They are all in the back of the truck, and one is sitting shotgun honking the horn.

[Bam-Bam]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[DSF Guest 8]

LOL @ MNA...blew chunks! LOL

[Bam-Bam]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

[Bam-Bam]

Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."

John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

[Crazy808]

Quick one liners:

An Irishman, A scotsman and An Englishman walk into a bar,
Barman says, "Is this a joke?"


A baby seal walks into a club...


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

[Tommy Gunz]

Jesus walks into a hotel and lays two giant nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Bam-Bam]

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

[DSF Guest 1]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "your dicks bigger than your brothers."

[DSF Guest 1]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing very tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says..... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[DSF Guest 1]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."



After a moment of silence, he farted

[Bam-Bam]

A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing.
When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a "picket to Titsburg".
That's nothing. The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up saying, "You bitch, you ruined my life!"




A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."



Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men?
It doesn't do anything about the baby; it just changes your bloodtype.

[Brabra]

A pirate walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey, you've got a steering wheel in your crotch"
The Pirate says "Arrrrr it's driving me nuts"

A bear walks into a bar and says "One beer and ............. a packet of peanuts"
The barman says "Why the big paws?"

[Bam-Bam]

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now fuck off”

[tuninyabum]

What's the main cause of pedophilia?

Sexy kids.

[DSF Guest 1]

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade." This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

[DSF Guest 1]

A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch. After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list. He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.

She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."

Ears. "Two ears of corn."

Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."

Crotch: "Fantastic."

[Bam-Bam]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[rev.stacks]

what's brown and sticky?







a stick

[sportster]

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class... Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[stead04]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.



This one made me LOL..................

[idahotransplant]

So I was talking to one of my friends the other day. He said he stopped a girl from getting raped last weekend. I asked him what happened and he said that he quit chasing her.

[Bam-Bam]

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[Bam-Bam]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.


LOL - I like this one!!

[Bam-Bam]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"












.

[Bam-Bam]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubricant.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.

How do epileptics go on a diet?
Shake in the morning, shake for lunch and a proper meal in the evening.

[towdog]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

those are great

[Bam-Bam]

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

[Badcat]

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila. The bartender pours them up and puts them on a tray for the man to take back to a group. Instead the man shoots all 6 shots one after the other. The bar tender freaks out and says "Man I have never seen anyone shoot tequila like that in here before. Whats the big occasion?" The man replaies "I got my first blow job today" The bartender starts getting all excited and tells the man "Congratulations buddy, the first blow job is always a big occasion. Here's a free shot on the house."

The man replies "No thanks. If 6 shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, 7 won't either." :D

[Bam-Bam]

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The owner runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the owner.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes back to the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it up sticks it up his ass,and then eats it.
The owner having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it," the owner tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

[Bam-Bam]

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl is watching her father shower.

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What has eight legs and makes women scream?

Gang rape!

[idahotransplant]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[DSF Guest 1]

^^^loved that one...

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

[DSF Guest 1]

Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk,"I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle."

Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?

Inventor: A fottle.

Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else?

Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.

Clerk: And what do you call that?

Inventor: A farton.

Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.

Inventor: Gee, you're not going to be impressed with my folding bucket.




Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.


Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

[towdog]

One day Phil is driving to work when he suddenly hears a loud voice....

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS"

Thinking it's a prank he ignores the voice. The next day at breakfast he hears the voice again....

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS"

Still not believing he again ignores the voice and go to work. The next morning in the shower the voice booms louder...

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS. NOW!"

This time Phil listens to the voice, quits his job then sells the house and all of his belongings then buys a one-way ticket to Vegas. As soon as the plane lands and he has his bag he hears the voice again...

"GO TO HARRAH'S"

He immediately hails a cab and tells the driver to go to Harrah's. As they arrive he gets out and walks in the door. He hears the voice again...

"GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLE"

So Phil heads to the roulette table, cashes in all of his money for chips then waits...

"PUT IT ALL ON NUMBER 17"

So he does. The dealer says good luck, spins the wheel, and sets the ball in motion. Nervously Phil waits as the wheel and ball go round and round, slowing with each pass. Finally the ball bounces around and finally settles on a number.... 21.

'"DAMN!"

[Bam-Bam]

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: How many queers does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

Q: Why do woman have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week.
They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " A bit sour."


A redneck takes his 13 year old daughter to the Gynecologist. The Dr asks if she is sexually active! The redneck replies, "No she just lies there like her mother!"

Q: What's blue and fucks grannies?
A: Me in my lucky blue suit.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: About 30 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

[SlowMoJoe]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[ssa787]

Orland Bloom wakes up one morning and walks into his bathroom. The instant he looks into his mirror he starts getting sexually aroused. He brushes it aside and goes along with his day.
Throughout the day, he realizes that whenever he looks into a mirror, he gets extremely horny. Scared that he might have contracted some sort of disease or disorder, so he goes to his doctor.
"Doc, it may sound weird but whenever I look into a mirror I get turned on! Whats wrong with me?!"
Thinking for a second, the doctor responds.
"Ahhh, I know why. It's 'cause YOU'RE A PUSSY!"

[Bam-Bam]

Content and Download links visible to registered users only.

LOL - That's a good one!

[Bam-Bam]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."

But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
your a fucking vet, you pervert.

---------------------------------------------------------------

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent
lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"AND..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is siting next to a woman on an airplane, right after they take off the man sneezes
than he pulls down his pants and wipes sperm off his cock, onto a tissue.
the woman sitting next to him gives him a discusted look, this happens a few more times she can't take it any more.
she yells at him why the hell don't you go to the bathroom to play with yourself, you fucking pervert.
he answers I’m sorry but I have this medical condition, every time I sneeze I ejaculate.
so she asks him are you taking anything for it.
yes he says, pepper.

[DAS]

Slighty racist, so apologies in advance...

A Zebra dies, and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the zebra, although they don't allow animals in heaven, he may ask God one question. To his amazement the zebra can now talk, he tells St Peter, Ok. The zebra is ushered through the gates, walks down a short path and meets God. God asks, "What is thy question" The Zebra asks, "Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" To which God replies, "You are what you are". With that the zebra finds himself in front of St Peter again. St Peter asks, "Did he answer your question"? The zebra replies, "Sort of", while recounting his encounter with God to St Peter. "But I don't understand what he meant" said the zebra. St Peter tells him "You are white with black stripes", the zebra asks, "How do you know that"? St Peter says, "Because he didn't say, You is what you is".

[gallow737]

Q: What's the difference between acne and a pedophile?
A: Acne waits till your 12 before it comes on your face

Q: What's better than getting a blowjob from an 8-year old?
A: Nothing

Q: What's the best part about fucking a 3-year-old girl?
A: Turning her over and fucking her like a 3-year-old boy

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and [name]'s mom?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Q: What's the difference between crabs and [insert someone's name] mom?
A: Crabs don't have [name]'s mom

Q: What happens when a Cuban gets a flat tire?
A: He drowns

Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes little boys

Q: What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy

Q: Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
A: Because she's dead

Here's a bunch of good ones that aren't what you would think, over at Something Awful from a while ago:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/jokes-with-realistic.php

[Bam-Bam]

Q.How many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry about it.

Q.How many emo kids does it take to paint a wall?
A.Depends on how hard you throw them

Q.What's better than 50 emo kids nailed to a tree?
A.One emo kid nailed to fifty trees.

Q.how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.3,One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one

Q.did you hear about that new emo pizza???
A.It cuts itself!

Q.If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first?
A.The blonde, she drowns in the emo kid's tears.

Q.What's the difference between an Emo kid and a dead baby?
A.The baby doesn't cry.

Q.What do you call an emo kid outside the mall?
A.Anything he'll cry no matter what you do.

Q.What's emo's favourite film?
A.Suicider-Man 2

Q.How do you get an emo down from a tree?
A.cut the rope!!

[MisterPogo]

Out in the woods a hunter sees a black bear in the distance, having never bagged a bear before he slowly stalks the animal and takes a careful aim...
just then he feels a slight tap on his shoulder...
he turns to see a brown bear standing behind him...
the bear leans in and says, "Thats my cousin your about to shoot, now im gonna have to fuck you in the ass"
The bear finishes up and sends the hunter on his way...
As the days of recovery go by the hunter cant help but think about that bear, and how good its gonna be to kill him next time...
finally the hunter returns to the woods to find that bear...
and there he is....take a steady aim...
just then he feels a tap on his shoulder...
he turns to see a grizzly bear standing there....
bear leans in and says, "Thats my cousin your about to shoot, now im gonna have to fuck you in the ass"
The bear finishes up and sends the hunter on his way...
As the weeks of recovery go by the hunter becomes obsessed with killin that damned bear...nothing will stop him this time...
Finally he returns to the woods...
Theres that damn bear...take a careful steady aim...
just then theres a tap on his shoulder...
he turns and sees a polar bear standing behind him...
bear leans in and says "you dont come out here for the hunting do you?"

[MisterPogo]

Guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "must of been a hell of a day"
guy says "yup, just found out my brother is gay"
next day same guy walks in and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "still down about your brother?"
guy says "nope, just found out my dad is gay"
next day same guy walks in and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "jesus doesnt anyone in your family like women?"
guy says "yeah, my wife"

[MisterPogo]

A U.N. flight returning to new york is over the atlantic when they realize there isnt enough fuel to make it...the capt desides to drop the cargo hold...
still to heavy...he instructs the delegates to throw out everything they can manage of their carryon...still to heavy...capt has the flight crew show everyone how to dismatle the seats and out they go...still to heavy...and now the capt is all out of ideas...the british ambassitor has an idea, walks to the back of the plane grabs a parachute, "for the queen" and jumps...not to be outdone the french ambassitor gets a shute, "vive la france" and jumps...
not to be outdone the american grabs a shute, "remember the alamo" and throws out the mexican

[400-pound Mental Patient]

What's the best part about taking a shower with a twelve year old girl?


Get her hair wet and she looks ten!

[Bam-Bam]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[DSF Guest 1]

There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!" "Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back. The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"



Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.



Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"


Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.


A dirty & ugly old man walks up to this voluptuously beautiful woman and says: "Would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?"

"For 1 MILLION dollars, of course I would."

"Would you sleep with me for 5 dollars?"

"For 5 DOLLARS, What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We already established what kind of girl you are, I'm just negotiating."

[stead04]

Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.


What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it


What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.


What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesomes.


What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.


Why couldn't Helen Keller drive???
Because she was a woman!!


Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!


How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark!


How does an Alabama daughter know when her mom has her period?
When her brothers dick tastes bad.


What's metal and full of holes??
Dimebag Darrel

[Kyle E. Coyote]

A guy walks into a bar with an Octapus in a fishbowl under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and asks if he's a gambling man. The bartender replies that he does like to bet now and again, so the guy offers him a wager; if his Octapus can play any instrument the bartender sets in front of him the owner will get free beer for the night. If he tries and fails, the bartender gets $50. The bartender agrees, and points to an old grand piano in the corner of the bar. The man sets the fishbowl on the stool, and the Octapus begins to play Beethoven's Ninth better than the composer himself ever did. The bartender, amazed, makes good on his bet. The man drinks himself into a stupor, collects the fishbowl and leaves. The next night he comes in and offers the bartender the same wager. The bartender, confident that the Octapus will never be able to repeat such a feat, accepts. He places a trumpet in front of the Octapus and, to his utter amazement, the Octapus begins to play it better than Louis Armstrong. The bartender once again makes good on his bet. The next night, sure enough, the guy shows up and offers the same bet. The bartender accepts and, chuckling, says that he was prepared for just such a situation, and he's come up with an instrument that the Octapus will never be able to play; the bagpipes. The Octapus studies the instrument for a good five minutes with an extremely puzzled look on his face. "What's the matter, can't you play it?" says the snickering bartender to the increasingly frustrated-looking Octapus. The Octapus looks up and says "Play it? Ha! As soon as I figure out how to get these stupid-looking plaid pajamas off, I'mma fuck it!"

[Bam-Bam]

Lady in labor, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said fuck off, it'll be too painful."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a man hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just taking a shit."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman walks into a shop and buys 1 egg, 1 bottle of milk and 1 sausage, the shopkeeper asks - "You're single, arent you?"
"Yes" She replies "How could you tell?"
"Because you're an Ugly cunt!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't women need watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her as an alter boy!

[Kyle E. Coyote]

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I have a crippled friend that tried Viagra once. He didn't get a boner, but he could walk for the next six hours....

[DSF Guest 1]

Final Exam

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:


Which tire? _____

[Bam-Bam]

A man gets home from working the nightshift an decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex . He climbs under the duvet , gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she has a shattering orgasm and cums all over his face , he gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up , and finds his wife in there , " what the fuck are you doing in here " he yells " shhh " says the wife " you'll wake your mother"

[DSF Guest 2]

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I just threw up in my mouth, a little :eek:

[TempeSon]

What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
'Excuse me, you are in my Son.'

[Bam-Bam]

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

Q: What do you do when your wife wants to talk to you?
A: Remove the duct tape.

Q: Why is a womans pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel great but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........."
A: A blind man with a Rubiks cube.

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga line in an old peoples home

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"

Q: How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A: Anywhere else they would call it a teethbrush.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean enough?
A: Beat her until she gets it right.

[doubledip]

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Oh man that one was grreat...Never heard that before.

[DSF Guest 1]

just had this sent to me...I know..it's bad...

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter
Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on
Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected
President of the United States. "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me!
When did this happen?"

And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

[DSF Guest 3]

http://digilander.libero.it/le.faccine/faccinea/cartelli/statici/1524.gif

[400-pound Mental Patient]

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Makes more sense...sorta.

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/th_kjp45s.jpg (http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/kjp45s.jpg)

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/th_kjp46s.jpg (http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/kjp46s.jpg)

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/th_kjp47s.jpg (http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/AmbroseKalifornia/MySpace%20Layouts/kjp47s.jpg)

[Bam-Bam]

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

[vortex]

How do you say 69 in Chinese...



Twocanchew.

[Bam-Bam]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

[vortex]

A man arrived home to find the following ransom note slipped under his door.

If you ever want to see your wife alive again, bring £25,000 to the 17th green at your golf club tomorrow at 11.00am.

But it was after 2pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting place.

As he did so, a masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and demanded:

“You`re over three hours late, what took you so long”

“Give me a break!” said the husband, pointing to his scorecard.

“I`m a 27 handicap”...

[Bam-Bam]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

[Bam-Bam]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

[Bam-Bam]

You Know You're A Redneck Jedi When...

You hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

[Choppie]

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Fuckin priceless!

[Kyle E. Coyote]

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I once asked an asian woman for 69, she gave me the Moo Goo Gon Gai Pan platter with fried rice and an egg roll.

[idahotransplant]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their 'wee wees' to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade.'
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

[Bam-Bam]

A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, "Water!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Got any money?"
The guy shakes his head no and again says, "Water!"
The bartender says, "No money, no water."
The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, "Guess I'll have to drink this."
The bartender replies, "Be my guest, no money, no water."
Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, "Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding."
The man responds, "I couldn't stop."
"Why not?" the bartender asks.
The guy replies, "Cos it was all one long string!"

[DSF Guest 3]

1. Man says to wife "I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing".

2. My uncle got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet.

3. Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, so the Security guard asks her "what's your Mom like?" Little girl replies "Big Cocks and Vodka".

4. The boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office and the boss says "I have a problem Ann, I have to lay you or Jack off....". Ann says "You better jack off, co's I've got a headache".

5. A friend said sorry I am late, had to see a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his dick...... I said I reckon he won't be shagging one of those again then.

6. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

7. A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. The Doc say's "that looks nasty". She say's "Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!"

8. Two newlyweds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks "do you have reservations?" The bride answers "Yes, I won't take it up the ass."

9. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey pokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

10. We told our Granny it's important to keep fit as you get older. So when she was 60 she started walking 5 kilometers a day. She's 97 now and we don't have a fucking clue where she is!

[Choppie]

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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

[DSF Guest 1]

I was heading to bed and a commercial came on and I had to log back in for this.....

if the value of the dollar is so low, how come I can still feed, clothe, and school an African kid for $10 a month?

[DSF Guest 3]

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http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/5725/roflbotgwrrlf9.jpg

[Bam-Bam]

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the fucking woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

[Bam-Bam]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[DSF Guest 1]

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,

it would now be worth $49.00.



With Enron,

you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.




With WorldCom,

you would have had less than $5.00 left.




But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.


Based on the above,current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.



It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[Bam-Bam]

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I like this retirement option!!

[Bam-Bam]

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

[DSF Guest 3]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[bobbbb]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.''

''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.''

''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.''

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager.

''Never better.'' The manager was impressed.
''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?''

''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine.

''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager.

''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained.
''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the f*ck up."



An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."




Bill a middle-aged man is fresh out of a bad marriage from a sex starved wife. It seems bill lost the ability to get hard and satisfy his wife.

After a few months of being lonely he went to the doctor and asked him, "Doc, can you do something about my penis, I can't seem to get hard anymore?"

The doctor gives him an examination and said, "Well it is pretty bad but there is one think I can try".

Bill said, "I will do anything!"

Doctor then said, "We can transplant the mussels of a elephants trunk onto your penis and that should fix the problem."

Bill, "Lets do it!"

After a few months of recovery he thought he was strong enough to start dating. He met someone on-line and agreed to meet her for dinner. Just as the waiter set rolls on his table his date came through the door and was a stunning blond. He was nervous all dinner during the small talk and he started to feel this burning in his pants.

It got to the point that if he didn't do something he would pass out so he opened his pants, and just then his penis jumped out of his pants and snatched a roll and disappeared under the table!

Bill face got really red in the face as the woman sat there shocked and said, "Oh my god that was the greatest thing I have ever seen!" She then continued, "Please do that again!"

Bill said, "I would but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

[DSF Guest 8]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[Bam-Bam]

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[Crash]

A man was walking along the beach one day when he discovered a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie says to the man, " I'll grant you three wishes, but you should know I was cursed and everything you wish for your mother-in-law gets double."
The man thinks for a minute and then wishes for a huge house overlooking the ocean, surrounded by exoctic cars.
The genie asks him," are you sure? Remember your mother-in-law gets double."
The man replies "yes." So the genie grants his wish and asks what his second wish is.
The man replies," I want a huge vault full of money and precious gems."
The genie asks," are you sure?" The man says yes, so the genie grants his wish. He asks him for his third and final wish.
The man gets an evil smile on his face and says," I want you to beat me half to death!":D

[DSF Guest 3]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?"

Sally replies "It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast.

"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally,

"He snores while I masturbate."

[idahotransplant]

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[Bam-Bam]

Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!?"
To which Sam replied...
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit myself."

[Bam-Bam]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

[melissa21]

i have a good one! :)

One night a boy hears some awful sounds coming from his parents room. His mom is screaming and yelling and making all kinds of weird noises. He's freaked out, so he opens his parents door only to see his dad fucking the HELL out of his mom. His dad looks up into his son's face and just laughs his ass off, and the kid slams the door and runs away.

A couple of weeks later, his parents go out on a little date and his grandma comes over to babysit. His parents go out, have a nice time, and come home that night. They hear some crazy sounds coming from their sons room, and run up to open his door. They see their son going to town on his grandma! He looks up into his dad's face and says, "How do you like it when it's your mom?"

:D

i love that one.

[Bam-Bam]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

[DSF Guest 8]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Kentucky as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, baseball cap wearin' Kentuckian. “Names Shastur, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Shastur is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin'.”

“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Shatur stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks…tough crowd. “Well, I get along well with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Shastur turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem”, says Sam. “Remember, I’ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?


wait for it...


Shastur stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

[DSF Guest 1]

funny....very funny

[Bam-Bam]

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

[Glen Quagmire]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Dave!”

[Crash]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
> attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had
> always been occupied.
>
> A nurse noticed his predicament.
>
> Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you
> promise not to touch any of the
> buttons on the wall.'
>
> He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed
> the buttons he had promised not to touch.
>
> Each button was identified by letters: , PP, and a red one
> labeled ATR.
>
> Who would know if he touched them?
>
> He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was
> sprayed gently upon his bottom.
>
> What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms
> don't have nice things like this.
>
> Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
> Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
> underside.
>
> When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder
> puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
> flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom
> was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
>
> When the powder puff
>
> completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
> ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
>
> Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
> bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
>
> 'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I
> remember was pushing the ATR button.
>
> 'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
> penis is under your pillow.'
>
> MEN NEVER LISTEN

[Bam-Bam]

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young man got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON''T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!"

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, "did you jump?"


The boy said, "A little at first!"

[Bam-Bam]

(By A Female)

1. First and foremost we are not obliged to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you do get one be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw but it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No I don't have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles

6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally I don't want to puke on your prick.

7. I don't care how relaxed you are it's NEVER ok to fart.

8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I have ruined it for you

9. No it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein count.

10. No I will not do it while you watch t.v.

(By A Male)

1. First of all, yes you're obliged to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting, Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankfull i'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we have had better.

11. If you swallow you won't have to worry about getting any on your face will you?

Note: Number 9 is very important!!

[Bam-Bam]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."



The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"



"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Yalvulcon]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on - don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

[DSF Guest 9]

What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics?


Not being retarded.

[Bam-Bam]

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets acquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.

The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He goes to the upper deck and sees the barrel.

He then flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by.

"That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except this Thursday."

Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

[Bam-Bam]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Bam-Bam]

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.

The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctors advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.

After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news.

He wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose."

[Bam-Bam]

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.

A man with no arms in his sleeves comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help the man. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[towdog]

When a man and woman meet for the first time, various things go
through their heads...

The woman might be thinking, "Gee, he's not bad looking, and those
are nice shoes he's got, he must have a decent job. I love his
smile, and he seems to actually be listening to what I say,
although if this is going to go anywhere we'll have to do
something about that beard."

And of course the man's thinking, "Gee, I'm twelve inches away
from her boobs."

[towdog]

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the
ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to
panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing
happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy
passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells,
"Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas barbecues?"

[Bam-Bam]

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

[Bam-Bam]

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."



"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?"

the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

[Glen Quagmire]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[Bam-Bam]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."