I am - Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

2006

Jun

I am – Lohan Stalker Post of the Day

There’s something really funny about how a celebrity like Lohan lacks so much substance that her idol is Laggerfeld, the designer for Chanel, her favorite fashion house. I understand if a girl/gay guy who is a fashion designer/student respects Laggerfeld, but dudes still alive and shouldn’t be anyone’s idol. Especially some 19 year old dirtbag like Lohan who has a lot of money and has spent it on Chanel. Good for Karl, the more celebs rock his shit, love his shit, idolize him, the better for business.

Lohan’s got daddy issues look how she’s clinging on to him. I am willing to be her father figure, as long as she puts out, and by puts out I mean has unprotected sex with my face, often. On a side not, I got serious issues with Chanel, mainly because everytime I have a lap dance, the stripper whore’s got Chanel earrings on….those double C’s remind me of the day I got syphilis. Thanks Laggerfeld…you gay as shit lookin’ motherfucker. Point of this post is to stalk Lohan, so let’s get to it…..

Today I emailed Makenna Ruddy, some 14 year old slated to be in her movie. Whoever reads this message may call the cops which is kinda what we’re goin for…

Dear Makenna,

I am writing you this letter in hopes of you passing the message on to the love of my life, Lindsay Lohan. This is really a much more serious issue that you realize and I noticed that you are working together on an upcoming movie called Speechless and figured you would have a lot of downtime to talk to her about me.

We were seperated in a past life, and cursed by the kingdom’s wizard to never be in each other’s arms again. Life after life I have been looking for her, until the first day I saw Lohan on TV, I knew she was my lady, whom I have searched for…for so long. It is all in your hands to end this.

In all honesty, I fear that Lohan’s fame is going to keep us apart for yet another life. Her fame is all part of this curse that is keeping us apart.

I know you believe me and to further show my deep rooted love for Lohan, I wrote her a song that I hope you can pass on to her….

WIZARDS and Dragons, Magical Wars,
Won’t let us be together no more.
Cursed and forgotten but not for long,
I’ll keep up my search for while I sing this song…

Ok – so it’s a work in progress but you get the idea.

Makenna – I really appreciate you doing this for me. I will make sure you’re invited to our wedding, I mean technically you’ll be a hero for breaking this curse. I am so excited.

With love,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com