I told a girl over the internet that I loved her and wanted her to get me pregnant so that I could get her abortion. She never answered me back and it broke my heart that such genius statements get overlooked by people. It makes it hard to get to the top when people just discount that shit, without actually considering the poetic beauty of the shit I say, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that Katherine Heigl is picking her wedgie or scratching her badly wiped ass because it’s starting to burn, itch and make her feel uncomfortable.

When I was growing up, I knew a girl who constantly scratched her snatch. I never really understood, because we were in High School, but every change bitch got she’d be going at her crotch like shit was on fire and she had to put it out. She wasn’t very popular with the other boys, but I was committed to finding the source of the problem, I am a humanitarian like that. One night after drinking a bit too much, I started giving her attention she never got before and getting her pants off was about as challenging as taking off my own pants, I almost regretted it when I saw her greenish/yellow stained panties and smelled death, but then I came and forgot about it and decided to keep her around for the next couple of years.

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