It’s almost refreshing to see Avril Lavigne not dressed like a little suburban 15 year old teenager who cuts herself and writes poetry about how much she hates the cool kids at her school cuz they don’t get her, but maybe that’s just because I always found teenagers who think they are so smart and that life is so intense while dying their hair multi-color, getting stupid tattoos while learning the guitar to sing about their stupidity. She’s wearing a little black dress, she’s greased up and glistening, has whore make-up and that cheesy stripper chick skunked out hair that makes me know I’m dealing with a piece of white trash from outside of the city who if she gets too drunk will need a place to sleep cuz you’re her responsible new friend who cares about her safety and cuz she likes to get fucked by strangers cuz that’s why she wears such short skirts, crotchless panties and has 3 half-black babies with different fathers….
I guess Avril Lavigne finally got her skater boy, but by the looks of this dude, he’s more of a figure skating boy than an actual skater boy, but maybe that’s what happens when we get older, the silly emo kid in platform shoes and spiked dyed hair becomes more of a fucking joke, you know that phase she’ll look back on and cringe she needs someone a little more refined….and by refined I mean someone who doesn’t care about how she’s gained 25 lbs and doesn’t want bang with the lights on…which works for him because he’d rather be fucking his heavyset male hairstylist and the darkness allows him to visualize her doughy body against his is actually his stylists’, only his male hairstylist doesn’t get him the same visibility as pretending to be straight and into this popstar who looks like she’s gained her holiday weight a little early….and lucky for us she wasn’t wearing a bikini…
The one thing I’d want to see when my wife was off in St Tropez on vacation without me, is pictures of her wrestling some dude in the sand, even if that dude is clearly a gay, but that’s just because I am lookin for any excuse to divorce my wife in a way that I still get paid by her since I’m a broke ass trick, but I’m sure the average person’s blood would boil seeing their wife fuckin’ around with other dudes on vacation, even if we all know that whenever your girl goes on vacation she ends up cheating on you, because it’s one of those out of sight out of mind situations, at least that’s what every dude I’ve ever met who has gone to a resort has told me about how the girls they bang all have boyfriends or husbands back at home, but I wouldn’t know first hand because I’m a broke ass trick.
Speaking of resorts, what I do know is that Sandals Resorts are racist…at least based on this picture of a black dude in a fuckin’ tuxedo sitting in the pool to serve some cunty high maintenance white people like some kind of man servant with no fuckin’ dignity…who they don’t even give a fuckin’ bathing suit to serve them in…it’s like “Boy, you put on this tuxedo and you serve our lazy asses cuz we don’t wanna get out of the pool but we do want a drink, your job depends on it”..
Anyway, Avril and her lame husband are clearly not together anymore, even if her thighs look chubby, like they would belong to a married woman, and I don’t know why I am writing about it.
Why’d she have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way she’s acting like somebody else gets me frustrated. What happened to the wholesome little suburban mall punk who married her suburban mall punk boyfriend who she met at the mall skateboard shop where they would buy Vans sneakers and punk accessories. Oh right, she grew the fuck up, got a little perspective and realized the faggot she married was wearing 3 inch high platform creepers wasn’t 15 anymore…
Here she is in St Tropez pampering herself up on the way to a yacht where she’e meeting some mysterious, rich, tall, dark haired man who dresses like an adult and the whole thing is so excited, I just wish I was there to see Sum 41’s face when they find out about this, shit’s gonna inspire a poorly written pop/punk song for sure. I just hope they stay together for the sake of the kids….
And just a little words of wisdom for the suburban mall punks who read this site….If you meet another suburban mall punk from the same state as you, maybe even the same neighborhood as you, who has the same job as you and may like the same music as you and attend all the same events as you, it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to marry the motherfucker….
There’s nothing much better than shoving a bottle of booze down some young drunk girls mouth, you know watching her eyes roll back in a drunken state, as the shit drips down her drunk chin, knowing that as the guy with the supply the chances of her makin’ her pussy talk to you like a sock puppet while you’re back at her hotel for the afterparty is a hell of a lot higher, cuz you’re the trusted bottle dumper and she’s having the time of her fuckin’ life….
I mean unless the girl you’re shoving a bottle of booze down her throat is a famous popstar with obvious fuckin’ issues, because fuckin famous pussy, although potentially more dangerous than fucking prostitute pussy, cuz prostitutes use condoms, is pretty luxurious, at least just for the bragging rights….
What it all comes down to is that if I was stuck with a dude from Sum 41 for more than 5 minutes, I probably would have already killed myself, I wouldn’t have taken the slow, self destructive way….but based on Avril’s lyrics, she’s got way more depth than that and enjoys the suffer for her “artistic” vision of crap….
There was a time where I’d find dressing my girlfriend like a 14 year old girl hot, you know in the school uniform, that she wore just a few years earlier, that she’d jump on my dick wearing and calling me her dirty teacher/pricipal/janitor/whatever she was vibing on, but that was before all 14 year old girls started dressing like fucking emo skateboard dudes, in stupid t-shirts and all over print hoodies, with lame tattoos and lip rings, and asymmetrical faggot haircuts, you know because dressing up your girl like one of those may make you a creepy fag into twinks, and not so into dressing your girl like your wholesome teenage fantasy.
So seeing Avril Lavigne, just reminds me of Halloween or Role Playing or other similar shit that is not as hot as either of those things, but at least she’s drunk, because it helps you visualize draggin’ her out of the club by her hair, you know holdin’ it down like a rapist.
I really can’t stand his emo teenage girl style. I find it too fucking put together, like some kind of bad high school production, it’s way too intense with way too many stars and skulls and variations of green and pink and black. I don’t understand how a girl can look at herself in the mirror and think that they look fucking awesome, but then again, they probably don’t, when they look in the mirror, they are usually crying, getting asymmetric haircuts, or cutting themselves because pain makes their dead souls alive. I get that 14 year old girls who are just getting their periods are hormonal and depressive and shit, but at 25 or whatever the fuck age Avril is, maybe it’s because she missed out on her youth, maybe it’s because she’s fucking lame and married, while lookin’ like a fuckin’ asshole. Speaking of asshole, I wonder where her husband’s hiding out.
Some weird guy who probably reads this site chased Avril Lavigne for a picture. He doesn’t have a heart atttack while she runs from him, and him after her, but it is the reason she should realize she’s not suburban punk rock enough to fend for herself. She’s fucking Hollywood and needs a fucking bodyguard, because there are at least 20 guys out there who are obsessed with her, who think of her as a dream girl and who may even think they are married to her, but she just doesn’t know it yet and they save their disability checks, or minimum wage checks to get down to LA and let her know that they are the one. This shit is hardly scary, dude should have at least tried to grab a tit or finger bang her, she totally overreacts, but that’s just cuz she’s a fluffy little celebrity and not the street punk I know who would bite that fucker’s dick off if he tried to get in her face.
The paparazzi did an honorable job defending her, you know videotaping the shit, instead of telling the motherfucker to back off, because it’s more fun to see creepy guys grab at her than defend them from the creepy dudes, I probably wouldn’t have stepped in, it’s not like Avril would help me if she saw me getting harassed.
The only tragedy in all this is that he didn’t throw her in his fuckin’ van and drive away with her, turning her into some brainwashed sex slave, because I hate her.
Avril Lavigne was pulled on stage at a Metal Skool show. From what I understand, they have a weekly gig where they play 80s rock, pretty much mockin’ it and joking around about it, and sometimes celebrities head out there because the only other thing going on on a Sunday night is DJ AM’s LAX party, and no one wants to put themselves through that pain.
So the guys of the band figured Avril Lavigne would know the song “I Love Rock and Roll” and it turns out she didn’t, so while trying to grind up on him while drunk, because she’s hungry for dick after marrying that little man from Sum 41, she fucked up the timing of the chorus, then screeched her way through it, sounding like shit, torturing everyone there and proving that unless she’s singing Shania Twain songs in a studio after months of vocal training, or suburban pop where she channels attitude from living the suburban life and spending her Saturday’s at the mall, and weeknights driving around aimlessly, she’s got no fuckin’ business holding a mic, unless that mic is your dick, in which case, it’s not actually a mic at all…..but more of a sad little worm no one wants to play with.
So Avril Lavigne was dressed like a low budget Geisha. The kind you see at the cash at your local Grocery store on Halloween, because if they dress up, they get an extra dollar an hour, so everyone throws together a costume lazily to get paid.
Her husband finally got the chance to bust out the outfit he wears around the house when no one is home, in a pair of platform shoes an pantyhose, something Avril has learned to accept because it’s hard to find recording artists with her level of success from her hometown Ontario in LA, so she’s pretty much got no choice but to be with him, despite his transgendered tendencies. It’s kinda like how Jewish people are encouraged to date their own kind, only in this case, it’s 2 suburban kids who think they are punk, and not 2 people who think they are the chosen ones.
I like how he added Heath Ledger face and the guitar to really make this costume make no fuckin’ sense, let’s just hope Whitby and Ledger have the same fate.
I am a fan of public sex and apparently so is the rest of the world. There’s a whole lot of porn coming out with people getting it on in public and even the most wholesome chicks I talk to tell me stories of them sucking dick in public bathrooms or even in parks late at night. Now I have never had much public sex because it wasn’t trendy back when I was having sex but I am totally not against it. It’s actually one of the reasons I lurk around the city at night hoping to find some good action, but that’s just because I can’t afford a TV and prefer my porn to be some real life shit I’m spying on that some staged shit I come across on the internet, I guess part of me just wants to be invited into a couple’s bedroom to really get a feel for how things go down.
The good news is that Avril Lavigne and her boyfriend/husband/ teenage rebel are giving us a taste of what goes down between them in the bedroom, but I don’t call this public sex, it’s too fuckin’ tame, dudes just groping her a little because she’s probably getting her period and her hormones are all out of wack and it’s the only time of month she has tits worth grabbing. Unless I see him slipping it up her skirt while she sits on his lap like good public sex, I’m calling this lame, but a good try to be naughty, hope it sparks something in their sex life, because they got married too young and she’ll be bored of fucking him in about a minute, that’s when she’ll start banging her band members again.
I didn’t watch the American Music Awards because they are a waste of fucking time, even though every acceptance speech is about how shit changes lives, but unfortunately my life wasn’t one of those lives changed today, because I don’t own a TV, but if I did, I’d be living the fuckin’ dream and I am pretty sure I’d be watching scrambled porn, not because I like porn, but because distorted blue and green sex scenes excite me more than Dick Clark’s bullshit award show.
I tried getting someone in LA to crash red carpet for this event for stepTV, but I have no real pull, I couldn’t get press access and security’s a bitch, not to mention the dude I know in LA doesn’t have a camera and can barely speak english, but it still would have been better coverage than the actually award show, but that’s just like comparing a hot girl to some fat one night stand you once brought home when drunk because she was willing and you are an opportunist who doesn’t turn down a girl when she offers you creampie, unfortunately when you got back to her place, you realized that by creampie bitch actually meant a cream pie and you sat there eating whip cream and watching reruns of Seinfeld, because that’s all that was on at 4 am, until you sobered up and had to peace the fuck out because you realized that her elastic waistband on her sweat pants wasn’t something that could really get you off and for the record stepTV is that fat chick because it’s lower quality but makes for a better fuckin’ story.
I am recovering from binge drinking like a sorority girl during Homecoming week, and I don’t remember all that much of the last two nights, but I do know I laughed a lot so if you’re lucky I’ll bring some of that to you here, it happens sometimes, just not in this post.
Here are the arrival pictures from the AMAs.
Beyonce’s Got Some Insane Cleavage Going On….I Guess Someone’s Been Eating Her Fried Chicken
Alicia Keys Did Some Choreographed Dance Routine I Didn’t Understand
Amanda Bynes Got Some Fucking Legs
Ashley Tisdale is Hot Right Now, Like a Busted Old Pick-Up Truck In Your Front Lawn on a Hot Summer’s Day…
Avril Lavigne Dressed Like an Academy Award, If Academy Awards Had Stupid Hair
Some Carrie Underwood Wearing Curtains
Jennie Garth Dancing With Her Old Face…Which She Thinks is a Star…But Really Isn’t
Rihanna in Some Halloween Costume Shit Still Lookin’ Hot…
Vanessa Hudgens Because We’ve All Seen Her Naked and I Like to Show Love To Bitches Who Get Naked….
Fergie because Her Body is Too Good to be a Man
Nicole Scherzinger Because Her Dress Reminds Me of This Retarded Kids Art Project But Less Attractive….
Kellie Pickler Because We Like to Support Her Fake Tits
Miley Cyrus Because She’s Jailbait and has the Coolest Fuckin’ Father to Ever Grace the Radio With His Fucking Annoying Song….
