Some weird guy who probably reads this site chased Avril Lavigne for a picture. He doesn’t have a heart atttack while she runs from him, and him after her, but it is the reason she should realize she’s not suburban punk rock enough to fend for herself. She’s fucking Hollywood and needs a fucking bodyguard, because there are at least 20 guys out there who are obsessed with her, who think of her as a dream girl and who may even think they are married to her, but she just doesn’t know it yet and they save their disability checks, or minimum wage checks to get down to LA and let her know that they are the one. This shit is hardly scary, dude should have at least tried to grab a tit or finger bang her, she totally overreacts, but that’s just cuz she’s a fluffy little celebrity and not the street punk I know who would bite that fucker’s dick off if he tried to get in her face.

The paparazzi did an honorable job defending her, you know videotaping the shit, instead of telling the motherfucker to back off, because it’s more fun to see creepy guys grab at her than defend them from the creepy dudes, I probably wouldn’t have stepped in, it’s not like Avril would help me if she saw me getting harassed.

The only tragedy in all this is that he didn’t throw her in his fuckin’ van and drive away with her, turning her into some brainwashed sex slave, because I hate her.

Avril Lavigne was pulled on stage at a Metal Skool show. From what I understand, they have a weekly gig where they play 80s rock, pretty much mockin’ it and joking around about it, and sometimes celebrities head out there because the only other thing going on on a Sunday night is DJ AM’s LAX party, and no one wants to put themselves through that pain.

So the guys of the band figured Avril Lavigne would know the song “I Love Rock and Roll” and it turns out she didn’t, so while trying to grind up on him while drunk, because she’s hungry for dick after marrying that little man from Sum 41, she fucked up the timing of the chorus, then screeched her way through it, sounding like shit, torturing everyone there and proving that unless she’s singing Shania Twain songs in a studio after months of vocal training, or suburban pop where she channels attitude from living the suburban life and spending her Saturday’s at the mall, and weeknights driving around aimlessly, she’s got no fuckin’ business holding a mic, unless that mic is your dick, in which case, it’s not actually a mic at all…..but more of a sad little worm no one wants to play with.

So Avril Lavigne was dressed like a low budget Geisha. The kind you see at the cash at your local Grocery store on Halloween, because if they dress up, they get an extra dollar an hour, so everyone throws together a costume lazily to get paid.

Her husband finally got the chance to bust out the outfit he wears around the house when no one is home, in a pair of platform shoes an pantyhose, something Avril has learned to accept because it’s hard to find recording artists with her level of success from her hometown Ontario in LA, so she’s pretty much got no choice but to be with him, despite his transgendered tendencies. It’s kinda like how Jewish people are encouraged to date their own kind, only in this case, it’s 2 suburban kids who think they are punk, and not 2 people who think they are the chosen ones.

I like how he added Heath Ledger face and the guitar to really make this costume make no fuckin’ sense, let’s just hope Whitby and Ledger have the same fate.

I am a fan of public sex and apparently so is the rest of the world. There’s a whole lot of porn coming out with people getting it on in public and even the most wholesome chicks I talk to tell me stories of them sucking dick in public bathrooms or even in parks late at night. Now I have never had much public sex because it wasn’t trendy back when I was having sex but I am totally not against it. It’s actually one of the reasons I lurk around the city at night hoping to find some good action, but that’s just because I can’t afford a TV and prefer my porn to be some real life shit I’m spying on that some staged shit I come across on the internet, I guess part of me just wants to be invited into a couple’s bedroom to really get a feel for how things go down.

The good news is that Avril Lavigne and her boyfriend/husband/ teenage rebel are giving us a taste of what goes down between them in the bedroom, but I don’t call this public sex, it’s too fuckin’ tame, dudes just groping her a little because she’s probably getting her period and her hormones are all out of wack and it’s the only time of month she has tits worth grabbing. Unless I see him slipping it up her skirt while she sits on his lap like good public sex, I’m calling this lame, but a good try to be naughty, hope it sparks something in their sex life, because they got married too young and she’ll be bored of fucking him in about a minute, that’s when she’ll start banging her band members again.

I didn’t watch the American Music Awards because they are a waste of fucking time, even though every acceptance speech is about how shit changes lives, but unfortunately my life wasn’t one of those lives changed today, because I don’t own a TV, but if I did, I’d be living the fuckin’ dream and I am pretty sure I’d be watching scrambled porn, not because I like porn, but because distorted blue and green sex scenes excite me more than Dick Clark’s bullshit award show.

I tried getting someone in LA to crash red carpet for this event for stepTV, but I have no real pull, I couldn’t get press access and security’s a bitch, not to mention the dude I know in LA doesn’t have a camera and can barely speak english, but it still would have been better coverage than the actually award show, but that’s just like comparing a hot girl to some fat one night stand you once brought home when drunk because she was willing and you are an opportunist who doesn’t turn down a girl when she offers you creampie, unfortunately when you got back to her place, you realized that by creampie bitch actually meant a cream pie and you sat there eating whip cream and watching reruns of Seinfeld, because that’s all that was on at 4 am, until you sobered up and had to peace the fuck out because you realized that her elastic waistband on her sweat pants wasn’t something that could really get you off and for the record stepTV is that fat chick because it’s lower quality but makes for a better fuckin’ story.

I am recovering from binge drinking like a sorority girl during Homecoming week, and I don’t remember all that much of the last two nights, but I do know I laughed a lot so if you’re lucky I’ll bring some of that to you here, it happens sometimes, just not in this post.

Here are the arrival pictures from the AMAs.

Beyonce’s Got Some Insane Cleavage Going On….I Guess Someone’s Been Eating Her Fried Chicken

Alicia Keys Did Some Choreographed Dance Routine I Didn’t Understand

Amanda Bynes Got Some Fucking Legs

Ashley Tisdale is Hot Right Now, Like a Busted Old Pick-Up Truck In Your Front Lawn on a Hot Summer’s Day…

Avril Lavigne Dressed Like an Academy Award, If Academy Awards Had Stupid Hair

Some Carrie Underwood Wearing Curtains

Jennie Garth Dancing With Her Old Face…Which She Thinks is a Star…But Really Isn’t

Rihanna in Some Halloween Costume Shit Still Lookin’ Hot…

Vanessa Hudgens Because We’ve All Seen Her Naked and I Like to Show Love To Bitches Who Get Naked….

Fergie because Her Body is Too Good to be a Man

Nicole Scherzinger Because Her Dress Reminds Me of This Retarded Kids Art Project But Less Attractive….

Kellie Pickler Because We Like to Support Her Fake Tits

Miley Cyrus Because She’s Jailbait and has the Coolest Fuckin’ Father to Ever Grace the Radio With His Fucking Annoying Song….