A dog’s mouth is rumored to have less bacteria in it than a human’s mouth, which isn’t saying much when that human is Aubrey O’Day and a hooker’s 6 day old, unwashed panties have less bacteria than her mouth, but it is saying something. The truth is I thought it was bad enough that Aubrey had taken it upon herself to take a helpless little animal and turn it into some kind of weird, abused fashion accessory, but seeing that the thing is her personal living sex toy, kinda like you did with the kid down the street and both situations throw me the fuck off. I don’t ever think fucking animals is right, I don’t think exploiting them to draw a little more attention on yourself is right either because dogs are nice and don’t know any better, like that country girl I met at the bus station who let my friend do horrible things to her because she was just trying to find her way.

In the dog’s defense though, it’s only licking back because Aubrey’s mouth smells like cat shit and cat shit is to dogs, what chocolate cake is to my wife. If you know what I mean.