I think I may be in love with Ivanka Trump. Not because she is hot but because I fall in love every time I leave my house, which isn’t as often as it probably should be meaning I am forced into falling in love with girls on the computer who I don’t know and will never know, but not because she’s got it going on, or because she’s got huge tits but because she’s got a huge bank account, and like most whores out there, I am willing to Anna Nicole Smith her ass because it would make for a good retirement fund, unfortunately she’s not 90, she just acts that age by being all studious with her business degree and all career oriented when she could be out getting fucked on camera while high on cocaine she bought from Lohan.

Either way, I did decide to leave my house and I am sitting next to some dude who is trying to seduce his girlfriend. I can only assume she doesn’t give him enough blow jobs and he figures charming her with his stupidities will make her feel special enough to take his load on her face. He just told her that he’s never fallen in love with a chick before her and that they were just pussy to him, but she’s something special….what his girlfriend doesn’t realize is that he never fell in love with a chick before, because there were no chicks, just cut outs from magazines in his wallet and posters on his wall. I guess this is what it’ll be like when you get your first girlfriend, I should ask him if he’s one of my 5 readers because you guys are way too similar for him to not be.

Look at Ivanka’s tits. They are big and they are rich. Like my penis, only the complete opposite, if you know what I mean….

So it turns out that Kim Kardashian’s got some reality TV show with her sister called “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I am sure it’s going to be some next level shit that will change all our fucking lives. I am not really sure what Kim Kardashian does but I can only assume keeping up with her is pretty fucking easy. Other than the fact that we don’t have high powered lawyers as a father, who died and left us a huge inheritance to travel the world and attend events, or the fact that we don’t fuck black men on video for the world to see, or the fact that our asses, despite being 300 lbs aren’t as big as hers, I think the only real challenges this bitch faces is putting on a pair of jeans in the morning.

Reality is that I like to think I am going to the top, and will have my own show called Keeping up with Jesus Martinez, that would involve me sitting on a computer all day and drinking myself into the gutter all night, but not at those trendy clubs, I am talking a bottle of whiskey and a park. I am not going to the top because I am talent or because I have any readers or any prospects but I like to think I am because I have a slutty reader who wants to fuck me and that shit makes me feel like a star. She’s got daddy issues and I am all about daddy issues. She probably has a boyfriend or husband and she is probably 200 pounds and likes videogames and jogging pants, but I don’t care. I like the attention. I am the flavor of the month for her and she’ll be done with this site in the next couple of weeks, but right now I guess she gets off to what I write. It’s too bad that the real me is a lot less interesting and attractive as I make myself out to be. If I ever made my way to California where she lives, which is always possible cuz I hate my wife, and set up a little meeting with her to get her to let me watch her shower, she’d only look at me in disgust and call the police. See you and me really do have a lot in common. Only difference is that bitches aren’t leaving you these kinds of messages.

Either way, here are pics of Kim Kardashian’s tits at the premiere of her shitty show….