Here’s rat-faced, bullshit artist, week old kitchen garbage of a person, Audrina Patridge, rockin’ a bikini top under some shitty dress that looks like it was made out of a dead whore’s nightgown or some fat girl’s prom dress. She proves yet again that fake tits don’t make a girl hot. They just just work on horny guys the same way a tranny with huge fake tits works on guys. Shit leads straight dudes into paying for blowjobs just because they have long hair, make up and tits, but the reality is that there’s still no pussy to fuck, it’s pretty fucking gay. That’s not to say she’s a dude, but it is to say that her fake tits, match her fake career, fake life and is just an master of manipulating simple minded horny dudes.

There is nothing less attractive than an insecure girl, except for maybe a fat girl, but for the most part seeing insecure chicks turns me off so much that bitch grows a penis in my imagination and becomes off limits even when I am drunk.

I am not talking about insecurity on an emotional level, where she is looking for acceptance and love through suckin’ dick, I am talking insecure about her body so that she doesn’t get naked, wears t-shirts to the beach and makes you fuck her with the lights off. And when you want to jump in the shower with her dumpy body you’ve learned to accept because it is fucking you and that’s better than all the other girls who aren’t fucking you, she turns you away and asks for privacy because she doesn’t like you seeing her from uncomplimentary angles. It even happens with skinny chicks and shit’s fuckin’ ugly, but not as ugly as Sandra Bullock, who we should all thank for covering herself up, because I am sure there’s nothing down there we want to see. Even her boyfriend/husband/mechanic is lookin’ at her surong thanking her for helping him forget what he is currently fucking to allow him to remember what he once was fucking.

I am still drunk from my drinking demonstration at a the local bar where I managed to outdo myself as I always do just to prove every single person in my life that I will not amount to nothing and I am not a failure. I am a fuckin’ hero to some people and those people are pretty much me and only when I am too drunk to know better.

On the way home I saw this slammin’ body in a spandex white dress that barely covered her banging ass and a pair of patent leather hooker boots that went up past her knee. I realized she was a street whore, but not one that I had ever been with before but bitch looked too good to be giving 50 dollar blowjobs. When I got closer to her she called me over and told me that she had given me a lap dance about 6 months ago and she remembered me because I gave her my email address to make her internet famous, which is a lie I tell all the strippers to get a free song out of them. She also remembered my firm grip that I had on her nipples, but I won’t get into that.

She ended up quickly going into her story about how she got wasted and let her ex-boyfriend tattoo her face and the club she worked at fired her. She was forced to turn to the street but doesn’t have a pimp and is pretty much workin’ freelance and in the last 3 months she’s developed a serious crack habit and that she needed 20 dollars, I was tempted to save her but figured that she got herself into her own mess and could have been doing so much more with her life, like charging business men 500 dollars to go out to dinner with her like a real escort with a body like that would.

Either way, I don’t think Kat Von D did the face tattoo that ruined my stripper turned street walker’s life, but it looked pretty much as shitty as her tattoos do, the major difference between the 2 is that I’d be willing to fuck my stripper turned street whore without a condom before ever considering fucking this Kat Von D chick, but that’s just because I have a feeling this Kat Von D chick has a cock and I haven’t really moved into that kind of thing yet.

I am pretty depressed today because I found out that my piece of shit computer that I got for 40 dollars and that broke on me this past weekend died because of its hard drive. Now that may not mean much to any of you who only use your but it’s a big deal to me because I was writing my memoirs and had at least 20 pages that I won’t be able to recreate because I was drunk when I wrote them and never re-read them and was saving them as some kind of surprise a surprise I will not be able to ever experience. The good news is that everyone I tell this to asks me if I did a back-up, ask why I didn’t do a back-up and tell me that I should have done a back-up because that’s what they are for. Thanks for the advice, asshole.

At least I can get pleasure from looking at these useless pictures of a useless Denise Richards doing a useless paddle surf because it’s real surfing’s gay younger brother all while in a useless bikini top because her body is sloppy, therefore useless and has no need for a bikini top, and it’s all for a useless reality show that shell make a lot more money on than I ever but at least I am not the only one that’s useless in the world.

Katherine Mcphee married a 46 year old balding dude who either has a huge cock or a lot of money or both. He probably offers her some kind of support her dad never offered her, even though I have a memory of seeing him crying like a girl at every American Idol performance, but maybe that’s the kind of emasculation that makes a woman feel like she has two mothers and leads her to banging a dude twice her age because he is a real man with a big bank account who never settled down because he was too busy building that bank account but now is ready to because money isn’t everything and a hot piece of 20 something ass is…once you have all that money….

Then again, I could be wrong, maybe it wasn’t her father crying at her American Idol performances and it was actually Ruben Studdard’s heart crying for oxygen as it slowly died a little more with every drop of sweat that dripped off his forehead each time her performed, or it could have been Clay Aiken’s mother crying because she doesn’t approve of gays, or maybe it was just Paula having a drug induced breakdown on set after fucking that dude Justin. I only watched Idol drunk and have a pretty shitty memory in general.

I guess none of that really matters, what does matter is that this is Katherine Mcphee and her eating disorder walking around in a little blue dress on her honeymoon with the old guy she married because she’s dressed in blue to match the pill this fucker is going to be taking to live out all the fantasies he’s kept bottled up all these years because when he was 23, no girls gave him the time of day….and now that he has money…they do and won’t be going to far until he’s done with them. It’s in the prenup.