I can think of a few reasons why someone would beat Kelly Osborne up, the main one being frustration that the girl you are dating looks like a fat fuckin’ teenaged boy who eats too many chips because they are his only friends before realizing life sucks and making his way to the local department store to buy a trench coat to wear when he school shoots all the bullies and popular kids. Waking up to a bitch that looks like that is pretty much all the convincing you need that your life fuckin’ sucks, you are worthless and you should give the fuck up, but when you can’t find a way to leave her because she pays your rent, you find a way to stomach her disgustingness, but as time goes on you realize that she’s a spoiled brat with an attitude that is almost as shitty as the smell of her sweaty, and doesn’t shut the fuck up and as every day goes buy, your fuse slowly gets shorter and shorter, snapping at the littlest things she does, until one day slammin her in the head for telling you that she loves you. Unfortunately, being a fat teenaged boy who cuts herself, being beat by her boyfriend makes her wet that someone would care enough to get physically abusive, when all the other guys just never called back and that makes her want to fuck you, leaving you back where you started because when you land a fat chick, or a fat chick lands you, there’s no escape, they won’t let you out, even if you try to spousal abuse your way out. Trust me.

I guess the black eye could have happened at an all you can eat buffet accident, or maybe in some prescription drug related accident, but I like to think it’s a man trying to teach an ugly girl a lesson situation, but that’s just because it’s like porn to me and I have a one-track mind and that track is the porn track…pretty much the best track around…so if you’re like me, you’ll appreciate these pictures.