Adriana Lima was on the set of Ugly Betty this week with Lohan and I assume it is because she plays herself and comes to one of the characters in a dream or something equally ridiculous like as that Ugly main character’s better lookin sister who lives a better life than her and who she has always been jealous of, or maybe she’s playing Lohan’s lesbian lover since it will contribute to Lohan’s lie that is her sexuality because the truth is she’s taking a break from dick because she’s already fucked everyone and is waiting for some new blood to come in, that’s the only explanation for that Snowboarder she met in rehab, but I’ve never seen the show and the only way I’d watch it is if a plane crashed into it and killed everyone on it. Get it a bad September 11 joke which is always more offensive than a good September 11 joke….what? Too soon?!

BONUS THAT’S NOT REALLY A BONUS - LOHAN ON SET OF UGLY BETTY CUZ THIS SHOW IS PULLIN’ ALL THE STOPS…AND REALLY TAKING OVER…..LIKE HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER….ONLY WITH LESS GAY CAST….I’M TALKING TO YOU NEIL PATRICK HARRIS….

I made the mistake of getting completely wasted and by mistake I mean the right choice that ended with me at home with a couple of hot 18 year olds drinking a bottle of wine my wife bought for our anniversary a couple of weeks ago and wanted to keep as a momento, without realizing that I am an alcoholic and can’t deal with being that close to booze for too long without drinking it but I knew she’d be fucking furious when she found out.

Anyway, we all ended up passed out on my couch and it was the closest thing I’ve had to a threesome in years and the good news was that the 2 girls pissed my wife off so much that she didn’t even notice I drank her wine.

Here’s Adriana Lima’s hard nipples to start this glorious afternoon.

I don’t really care about photoshoots because they are all white washed, airbrushed and not real life, but I figure since I always complain about how busted some of these celebrities look in bikinis on the beach, I’d throw up this naked Lima pictures from GQ because she’s got a hot body.

The last time I was on the beach was a long time ago the only bitches who get half naked or topless seem to be European middle aged women who have had so many kids that their old lady floppy tits and ravaged loosed skinned stomachs aren’t something they are insecure about anymore, it’s something they’ve grown to accept, because if they didn’t then they’d be forced to jump off a bridge or some shit. It’s the equivalent of a fat lady wearing jogging pants out in public because the elastic waistband is he only thing that fits. It’s never the tight bodied teen lookin’ for a tan to bring home to her boyfriend who runs around with her hot body naked. So being a pervert, I was forced to stare at any nipples the ocean offered but I wasn’t very happy about it.

Here are those Adriana Lima pics because this shit never happens in real life….

Watch the Behind the Scenes Photoshoot Video You Pervert.

Here are some pictures of Karolina Kurkova and Adriana Lima playing around with bras like a couple of ten year old boys who just snuck into their sister’s underwear drawer or maybe like a couple of teenage girls celebrating the purchase of their first bra for their budding breasts by doing some kind of ceremonial dance that I wasn’t invited to watch because their mom’s are worried it’ll turn me on or some shit.

I find the whole thing pretty offensive, not because I am against girls wearing bras or celebrating bras, even though bras act as some kind of defensive shield that stand between me and nipples, but I am against girls who normally promote bras by wearing bras showing up to an event in lame T-shirts to promote bras like they are standing at the mall trying to get me to sign-up for a credit card or donate blood. If I wanted to see bitches in t-shirts, I wouldn’t be sitting next to the changing room at a panty store, hoping to sneak a peak, I’d be at the Gap hoping to see a soccer mom in ill-fitting jeans and an oversized shirt posing in front of the mirror trying to make sure it hides her pregnancy weight that she hasn’t been able to kick the last 15 years because she like cookies too fuckin’ much.

Here’s a big surprise for you, I had no idea that the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was going down last night because I am bad at this shit and generally don’t really care about shit that’s going on. So it was a morning email surprise and now I have a ton of pictures of the event to share with you, so you don’t have to watch the shit when it hits your TV later in the year, or whenever the fuck they air them because your mom will probably be watching them too, and it’s always embarrassing getting a boner with your mom on the couch next to you.

Either way I usually feel like a virgin faggot when I finish writing a post on cleavage or hot asses, because I am more into creeping on girls in real life than writing shit about celebrities I don’t care about on the internet, but the difference in this post is that I do care. I have a thing for Bikini and Lingerie models that you probably understand and have made a point in my life to marry one. Since that never worked out for me I’ve always dated half-rate, discount, bargain basements, last weeks kitchen garbage, versions of bikini models, because let’s face it, my wife would have it going on if she got Gastric Bypass, lost 200 lbs and got surgery to remove the excess skin that left huge scars and stretch marks all over her body, breast implants and maybe even a new face and time machine that turned her 25 again….so in a lot of ways I guess I am dating a Lingerie/Bikini model, I just don’t know it because I am too negative to see what I have before my eyes because she’s fucking disgusting lookin….when if I look really deep, beneath all that disgusting is a hot girl suffocating to death….

Bonus - Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham and Geri “Ginger Spice” Haliwell Performing at Half Time…..

I guess the best thing about the Victoria’s Secret Angels flying Virgin Airlines, is how many virgins jerk off to their pictures everyday. Yes, I am talking to you.

Speaking of talking, I was trying to seduce some model who is in Tampax commercials that I came across on the internet, because I feel like despite having the shittiest website on the internet, models in Tampax commercials should try to get all the free publicity they can get, even if it means letting me watch them shower on webcam to reachout to 6 masturbating dudes, so I figured I’d ask her on a date, not that I’d ever leave my house, but it felt like she’d respond better than asking for nude pics, as I often do and never get. When she rejected me I wrote this:

You weren’t going on a date with me regardless, because I don’t do dates, they are a waste of time, and I don’t leave my house, but I used to fuck wannabe models and they were also a waste of time, but at least I get to see them doing things they wouldn’t want their father seeing, unless they were from a dirty family….which sometimes happens because I met them at the bus stop and they were teenage runaways, who weren’t really wannabe models, but didn’t seem to mind the camera when they were sleeping….

She never responded. Either way, marrying a lingerie or bikini model’s always been a dream of mine that I kind of fell short on, like I have with most of my dreams. I never thought I’d end up with someone you’d think would be a good spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts, until we got our rejection letter from them because despite bitch being a great customer, her morbid obesity takes away from the message they are trying to get out to young mother’s on the go. Apparently fat doesn’t sell, but it does kill, just not fast enough, not that I want her dead, but it’d be a nice vacation….but not as nice as one on a plane with these bitches, because I hear there are no laws once you’re off the ground….and exposing myself vagina shaped penis, because I am an inny not an outty and that would be the best way to convince them that I am one of them and that they can trust me enough to show me their vaginas and let me watch them pee. When I do it in the park, I always seem to get in trouble.

So Adriana Lima is like you and me, except she’s good looking, gets paid to be good looking, and travels the world to make obscene amounts of money, but she still gets searched by security, proving that all that other shit just doesn’t matter, because what it comes down to is that she’s not some fantasy, she still takes shits, and she’s probably just as annoying as your last girlfriend, but not because she’s in the fifth grade, but because she’s probably only got a fifth grade education, before being poached by a modeling agency and taken to the top. That was a fucking long sentence and I guess nothing I say really matters, but what does matter is that if I was the security card, I’d definitely demand a full cavity search, with my dick, because you can never trust those South Americans, they are always up to cocaine smuggling and being lady boys.

Here she is at Airport security, making dude’s shitty 10 dollar an hour job all worth it.

It turns out that I won Best Blog in the Montreal Mirror Best Of Montreal awards. I don’t really know how I feel about this kind of local recognition, but it is a changing day in my life.

I guess the first thing I’d like to say is that I posted that picture they ran of the kid trying on his mom’s bra as a joke because it made me laugh. It reminded me of when I used to hang with a kid who turned out ‘mo later in life. Dude was always trying on dresses, bras, make-up and shit and I never wanted to take part in the fun. I didn’t post the picture because I am into little kids wearing bras.

The second thing I’d like to say is that being outed to the city you live in as a blog or a blogger is fucking embarrassing. Blogs are for losers and are written by losers and usually those losers aren’t my kind of loser. They are virgins, they are techy, they are lonely and feel like they have something to tell the world and that no one around them is listening. I am just a guy without a job and an addictive personality. Doing this is cheap, it keeps me out of trouble and I don’t usually drink all day because it gives me some sense of purpose. So admitting that I am a blogger is almost humiliating and would much rather be known as a drug dealer or homeless dude on the street….

That said, Montreal is a pretty small city, but the people in Montreal seem to love it. I am sure that not a lot of people voted, I am sure that not a lot of people even know my blog or will even check out the blog, but coming in first for a guy who has always come in last is a pretty funny turn of events and made me laugh a little.

I do think I deserve it. I am pretty sure I put more time into this shit than any normal person would and I still think that my site is better than most, even though I constantly put it down. I assume some of you voted for me and that was pretty cool of you. I know cool is not commonly used to describe you, but we’ll let it slide this time….asshole.

Since my winning Best of Montreal doesn’t deserve a post of it’s own, here are some pics of a tall Adriana Lima at some Dance For Tolerance event that sounds pretty fucking gay to me but I guess dancing for a cause is the whole reason strippers exist. Like that shitty ironic t-shirt says “I support single moms”. By the looks of Lima’s foot tattoo, she’s probably in a Brazilan gang and it’s safe to say not a virgin…

I am not a model scout and if I saw Adriana Lima on the street I probably wouldn’t have given her the time of day, but then again, if I was scouting girls it’d be for dirty modeling, and from my experience, I would hire any girl willing to do my movies because finding someone willing to do double anal is hard, so I take what I can get. Unfortunately for the girls I have no budget to pay them but they only realize I ripped them off a couple of days later when they wake up in a field outside of the city with a GHB hangover. I guess the reality is that I don’t know any girls, I don’t do any dirty movies, I don’t leave girls in fields after drugging them, but there wouldn’t have been much of a post if I didn’t pretend that I did. Adriana Lima is probably one of the hottest girls out there, and even if she looks like an immigrant with a flat ass in her everyday clothes, we all know what she is capable of and it’s pretty much a taste of heaven.