I walked into some comedy show wasted a few months ago and it fucking sucked, before this dude Russel Brand got on stage. Sure his Amy Winehouse hair and jeans tighter than your asshole before you discovered you liked what how it felt when you started shoving thngs in your ass, threw me off a little, but he was legitimately funny. He had a good energy, vocabulary and his jokes were just smater than all the other comedians despite only being able to understand half of them. I told the girl I was with that he was going to be famous, and he told me he already was in the UK and worked at MTV. She said he had some kind of heroin addiction and now he was going Hollywood and I was surprised because normally the talent Hollywood picks up from overseas sucks.

He will be hosting the VMAs this weekend, the same VMAs that rejected press access for me, and if I cared enough and owned a TV, I’d consider watching it, but probably not to see this jackass use the same jokes I’ve already heard him use, but to see Christina in Britney’s shadow one more time, 15 years after being in her shadow started, like some kind of reunion because in case you haven’t heard, Britney is opening the show and based on these promo shots, I guess Aguilera will be playing the show, but we don’t really care about her, we just care about her beauty secrets, because deep down inside we all wish we could pull off this Asian, busty whore look. Seriously, she looks like a different person than she was, maybe it’s just a stand in and she’s off on the beach somewhere, but they say it’s really her and I guess we have no choice but to blame the jews because her jew Plastic Surgeons did this to her after she married a Jew and had its Jew baby. I’d still fuck her pregnancy gut at cum all over her stretchmarks but that’s just because I liked her at one time and can’t turn my back on her now that God has, not to mention those new eyes of her would help me play out my Vietnam war vetran fantasies of raping small jungle villages, the big fake titty, Hollywood version.

Christina Aguilera is the kind of wife who you walk in on taking a pregnancy test, even though you haven’t fucked her the last 4 months because she can’t stomach your big monkey face and uses her pregnancy as a solid excuse that you believe and it’s okay because your big monkey face has been too busy trying to make money to keep her around a little longer because you know she is out of your league and you have a deep rooted fear that one day she will wake up the fuck up and ask herself what the hell she’s doing with a big monkey faced motherfucker like yourself and not having money will probably make that happen sooner than later, because money seems to be a pretty solid blinder.

So when you ask her why the fuck she’s taking a pregnancy test after not having sex with you for 4 months and she comes up with some silly excuse about how she masturbated wearing your her underwear that you’ve been jerking off on the last 4 months because you like lacey things since they are pretty and smell like this popstar’s cunt, but part of you just has trouble believing her because along with the rest of the world, you know she’s a slut.

Either way, here she is in a see through top and leggings, rockin’ her fake tits, fake hair, made up face and husband that’s gotta be fake, because I just can’t believe this union is real.

I liked Christina Aguilera when she was tight bodied, bright faced and ready to take on the world when she was just Genie in the Bottle at 17 years old. Maybe I am drawn to teenage innocence, but I think I’m just not into haggard pornstar lookin’ chicks, because I know they have serious daddy issues, not that daddy issues are a bad thing, they are probably 95% of the reason I’ve ever had sex, but when admiring a pussy from afar, I am not down with fake tits and knowing she was flat chested and felt inadequate and bought herself a set of tits, really makes me hate her personality, mainly because every fake titty chick I know shows off their tits like they are a new hat because they aren’t really part of them but are something they bought, but for some reason I’ve never seen Aguilera’s shit bare. She should work on that.

Donald Trump opened a building in Dubai because it’s a booming city and dude knows that he might as will cash in on the Arabs and their money, while America is falling to shit. He kept the event classy by bringing Aguilera in to perform because I guess he’s really trying to gently enter the arab market by discreetly polluting it with American trash.

I know all you patriotic fucks are convinced to hate Arabs because you believe they are trying to take down your country and shit, but the way I see it, they are a progressive nation who put a lot of energy in letting women know their place in the world all while the men go out and make mountains of oil money to bring home to their 4 wives who are dressed like ninjas.

They are a force to seriously be reckoned with and if things go their way, your wives and daughters will be coverin’ up which isn’t so bad considering the kind of perverts our culture breeds. I know that if I had my way, I’d be the only one allowed to see my stepdaughter naked.

Either way, here’s Aguilera slutting out in dessert luxury…..

Ivanka Trump Also Showed Up to the Event Because It is Her Inheritance and Retirement Plan…

Hayden Panettiere was also there, wearing an animal print stripper outfit because she’s wild and dangerous and pretty inappropriate considering it is an Arab city that doesn’t really care to see her midget freakshow body and have reason when they throw a sheet at her to cover that boxy body up…..

These pics were emailed to me yesterday and I decided to try to figure out if they were real or not, because I have been jerking off to celebrity heads cropped onto pornstar bodies for years and don’t really have a keen eye when shit comes to photoshop, but from what I found out it is a Lachappelle picture from 2004. If you don’t know David Lachappelle, he’s a photographer who some celebrities get hooked on, he does big production pictures and directs music videos, he claimed to have refused to work with Aguilera about a year ago because she’s a cunt so these pictures are from before then. If you’re wondering how I know this, it is because I am an art currator in my spare time. I am classy and cultured like that.

So the chances that these are zoomed in Aguilera tits is possible, girls get naked for big photographers all the time, but shit looks like it’s been blown up, run through filters and who really knows if they are legit, and I guess who really cares, except maybe her mother who still remembers her little small breasted baby before she became a fake titty porn-lookin’ whore….

Larry King has no idea who Christina Aguilera is or what kind of music she sings. Sure, he’s 90 and wouldn’t have much use for Aguilera, it’s not like he can jerk off to her big fake tits like you do, so why would anyone expect him to know who she is. It’s not like she’s Britney Spears or anything.

This just further proves my point that Aguilera’s been drinking because she’s irrelevant in the world, her husband looks like a Holocaust survivor who was used as a test patient for experimental medication that left his face looking like some kind of science experiment and her new kid is taking up so much time demanding her tit and crying at night for her tit that she’s tired and haggard making the public want less of her tits, we’re like, put those things away and feed your baby you inadequate mother and now drinking is all she’s got going for her. It’s really what dreams are made of.

Here are some recent pics of Christina Aguilera and her Husband you all hate for getting to her womb first.

Sometimes it takes a little hormonal imbalances from giving birth to give you a little perspective that your life may not be as amazing as you thought it was.

Sure hiding behind your make-up may have been an effective way of hiding your true self and unhappiness from both yourself and the rest of the world but when you scratch beneath the surface you discover that you are just a less popular version of Britney, despite being convinced that you are more talented while the rest of the world worries about her and forget about you. You also realize that before you wrecked your body by having a baby, every dude in the world who wanted to fuck you now don’t care about you. Your husband you fell in love with may have a big dick and you may love getting fucked by him but everytime you look him in the face you wonder what the hell you did wrong to end up with such a weird lookin’ circus performer and pray that it won’t reflect badly the kid that is taking up all of your fucking time and energy and just won’t shut the fuck up leaving you at a loss, making you want to jump off a bridge or put the kids in a car and drive them into a lake in Vermont, but instead you go out clubbing and leave the baggage behind and I will drink to that.

So when Christina Aguilera is supposed to at home with her relatively newborn child, she’d found more fun things to do because no one likes to be held down to staying in everynight, even if it’s for their offspring. If anything it’s a fucking pain in the ass burden and going out is the only way to forget how bad of a decision it was to not have had that abortion but the good news for Christina is that she has a lot of fans and if she really wanted freedom, she could just put that shit up on Ebay and everyone would go crazy trying to bid for it so that they can have a living piece of this slut making her some extra money, but that exit strategy is much more frowned upon than just leaving it at home with the babysitter.

I remember when I was a kid, my foster parents had to go to some church event and they hired the neighbor’s daughter to watch over me. Within about 10 minutes she wanted to fuck her boyfriend and use the empty house to make that happen, the only problem was that I was there, so she strapped me to the bed with rope and turned out my bedroom light and came in with a lighter and said if I made a noise she’d burn down the fucking house, I was only about 10 but it was probably one of the hottest experiences of my life. Sure some of the kids I knew were getting crazy chicks who would breast feed them or touch them inappropriately and mine was only into mild bondage but it was good enough for me.

I know most dudes value a chick for the size of her tits, but I am just not that kind of objectifying superficial guy, because I value chicks on other things, mainly the condition of their pussies and I know that despite Aguilera having a rockin’ set of big fake tits, I just can’t fall into her manipulative trap not only because I hate fake tits, but because I know her pussy’s not doing so well considering the whole baby thing.

I guess the other thing I like about a girl is one that doesn’t look like some kind of bleached, haggard monster with blood stained lips but that’s usually something I can look past because it’s not gay to let a transexuals suck your dick, it’s only gay if they do it with their boner in their hand.

Christina Aguilera seems to be repetitive in her dressing like a neurotic old Jewish man who owns 14 pairs of the same shoes, 10 pairs of the same jeans and 4 pairs of the same glasses because he knows what he likes. She was seen yesterday wearing the same fuckin’ dress, with the same fuckin’ tits just in a different color yesterday. I blame her husband.

The beauty of Christina Aguilera’s tits is that she got them because of insecurities. She was always less popular than Britney and she probably spent nights up in bed trying to figure out why and all she could come up with is that guys like Genie’s in a Bottle better when they are stacked. Now she probably thinks she made all of our dreams come true, while lookin’ like Pam Anderson or a porn slut that was considered hot back in the 90s than the little 16 year old hispanic girl with a voice we all wanted to fuck, when all she really had to do was release her birthing video, but that’s just because I get off to girls giving birth, since birth is the product of sex and reminds me of the success I feel after taking a huge shit after eating at a buffet.

BONUS - Christina Aguilera and her Weak Chin Showin Some Big Tits in an Animal Print Bra

The pregnancy weight seems to be gone - but the implants aren’t. I guess that’s the deal with with implants, shits just don’t go away, you can be burried with the fuckers after you die and when some pervert digs you up to have sex with your skeleton, he’ll be pleasantly surprised that he chose the right grave and there’s more for him than just a skull to fuck and will have some tit to play with before getting off, then getting arrested and locked up for a really long time for having a really sick fetish that makes bringing your girlfriend home to meet your mother a pretty awkward and gross experience.

Either way, here’s Christina Aguilera and her fake tits busting out of her shirt, which is about as impressive as the time I paid my rent all by myself, using my wife’s money. She just doesn’t deserve any respect because anyone with 5000 dollars can make this shit happen and that’s just part of the reason I hate fake tits.

Christina Aguilera is pretty lame. She is a second rate Britney and has never really been able to live that down. I guess it's affected her self-esteem enough for her to always hide behind a ton of fuckin' make-up, pretending she's some kind of cheap lookin' Marilyn Monroe rockin' out to some Jazz doing some swing dancing in 1944 while her husband is off at war. I guess in her case, if it was 1944, her husband would actually be in a concentration camp getting gassed while she was entertaining our troops offering them pin-up posters to tape to their bunks and I guess their baby would never have been born.

If it's got nothing to do with her self-esteem, then maybe she's on some Edward Scissor Hand shit and some crazed scientist made her as some kind of sex doll that you can actually knock up, but I don't think that's possible, she just makes us think that it is....so she really just keeps giving you hope and you should be more supportive of her.