I was looking at these Fergie Military uniform pictures and was thinking going to war and fighting for your country wouldn’t be so bad, you get to kill a race of people you were raised to hate because they flew planes into your buildings, you get to be in the hot weather all the fuckin’ time, you don’t have to worry about making yourself dinner and life would pretty much be like a college spring break party with booze, opiates and a bunch of buddies and then you get to come back to base to deal with your female colleagues dressed like this, the kind of outfit you’d expect on a creative stripper who is tired of the whole school girl thing and onto more socially relevant themes like War, but then I remembered what bitches in the Army look like and the only thing I’d want for them is to put on some more clothes to cover those lesbian bodies, and to be put on the front line like they were Black in WWII and Vietnam, because let’s face it, the world needs less penis hating, masculine, empowered dykes who know hand to hand combat.
Either way, I don’t mind when Fergie and her masculine features do it, because she’s still got a body and ex-meth addict face that brings back great memories of cheap back alley blowjobs…
Either way, she’s dressed like a two year old and doesn’t look like one because she’s had too much cock, but I’d still watch her crawl around like one. There’s nothing like an outfit that touches pussy, ass and tits at the same time. It’s some kind of magical even when Fergie’s penis gets in the way.
Here are some pictures of Fergie sweating as she celebrates Slash’s birthday by rockin’ leather pants and pretending she’s a fucking rockstar. I heard that these are a couple of weeks old and figured since I am old and tired and that I don’t really give a fuck about celebrities and what they are up to, it was only fitting to throw these up.
Now I don’t find Fergie hot, and I don’t really think seeing her sweating is something that would turn anyone on and if anything is kinda disgusting because I am old school and believe that when a woman sweats she’s a fucking sloppy pig and not someone I’d want to get naked. I remember when I used to steal clothes from the Laundromat, there was this really amazingly hot girl who I’d prey on because she’d go in, drop off her shit then fuck off for an hour, giving me a lot of time to get down to business. I remember taking some lacey shirt that I thought would feel amazing against my balls, and when I got into the bathroom, I noticed these yellow fuckin’ stains on the arm pitts, shit threw off my game, but I still managed to cum all over it and throw it back into the dryer before she got back to pick it up. Yeah, my life is pretty sad.
I am hurting today because the weekend was involved a lot of drinking, drunk driving and passing out in beds with my stepdaughter and her friends, fondeling one of them and getting me in trouble. I do remember that through the messiness that is my life, I had a conversation about Fergie with a Fergie hater. I had her back, not because I think she’s hot, but because I know she’s hotter than anyone you’ve ever fucked and because she was the ploy of the Black Eyed Peas to make a ton of fucking money, because before she was in the picture, they were just a second rate hip hop dance act that were self promoting themselves so hard that they sat outside a club in Montreal about 4 years ago handing out stickers for their new album, the one before Fergie blew them up. So you can look at her, dis her for being muscular and rough lookin, but all I see is ta prized meth addicted pussy with dollar signs for an ass and here it is dancing on stage in shorts.
Fergie is known for being fit and having a tight body, a body so ripped it looks like it may have a pair of little steroid testicles tucked between her legs. I was actually convinced I met Fergie last night at a bar until I realized that I was actually talking to some dude who happened to be a mixed martial arts fighter and went on about how badly he likes breaking bones, while wearing some kind of faggy cut off shirt showing off her “pythons”.
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Fergie performed on the Today Show today in a pair of leather pants. She ended up grinding the stage, suggestively went down on her guitar player, did a booty shake and the whole performance looked like watching a ghetto stripshow in too many clothes. I guess she learnt this shit when she was a meth addict and needed to make some extra money at stag parties, you know dudes would pay top dollar to see any Disney slut all jacked on drugs and getting naked in their hotel suite.
The sex on stage wasn’t what made Fergie’s performance funny, the fact that she was performing for a group of middle school kids who were probably on their grad trip to NYC is what made it funny. Shit’s on Daytime TV and it looks more like I am watching a behind the scenes DVD on her life at Disney when dirty old men producers made her and her co-star Mika get it on in his office in exchange for promises of renewing that shit another year.
I am not a parent and I figure that having my 10 year old daughter doing this shit in the park with her friends is a bad thing. I went to a concert twice last year, one was a free thing in a park and the other was a free ticket to Gwen Stefani and Akon and at both shows, there were kids around me grinding up against each other like they were fucking and it made me uncomfortable, especially at the Akon show when he sang his “I wanna Fuck You” song and they were singing along, but the creepy dude in the trench coat and sweat pants behind me seemed to like it enough to start jerking off to the scene before security took him out. So at least one person approves and I guess it’s never too early to learn about the birds and the bees, maybe in 8 years you’ll be getting down to some of these girls and they’ll be like slamming a 35 year old divorcee with a horny vagina and with years of fucking experience, because they all lost their virginity at 12 and their anal virginity at 12 and a half. It’s a new scary generation and I am happy that I am not a father because even the Today Show is pornographic.
Here are some pictures of Fergie performing with her big ass. I kinda miss the crystal meth days when she was picking her scabs off her arms and eating them in hopes of getting a fix and crawling through the gutter collecting cans to take back to the grocery store for money for her next fix. It’s one of those success stories where you go to the people from the past and say “look at me now motherfuckers” as she cruises by in her Bentley, only in this case everyone from her past is dead because meth is just that good.
I think it’s great that Fergie was able to pull her vagina out of the gutter, get off drugs, get out of debt and now have the money to buy anything she wants but doesn’t have to buy because companies are throwing the shit at her for free. It’s always been one of life’s weird dynamics, where companies want celebrities to promote their brands so they give them tons of product even though they can afford the shit while poor people they are marketing their shit too have to work their asses off for a month just to be able to afford a pair of fuckin’ sneakers they want. I guess it doesn’t matter, but is part of the reason why I’ve decided to make myself famous.
The bad news for Fergie is that despite her rise to the top, she forgot her face in the gutter and looks about 15 years older than she is. She’s like one of those kids I saw on Maury who had that disease where they age at hyperspeed and die of old age by the time they are 5. Her fake fiance will be in for an interesting surprise in a couple of years when he’s stuck dealing with a bitch who looks 75, and for his sake I just hope her pussy isn’t on the same course, because despite how sexy some 75 year olds are, their vaginas are pretty fuckin’ disgusting and smell like moth balls. At least that’s the story I heard…..
I met a girl where I meet all the girls I know and that’s at the stripclub this weekend. Strippers always act like they are celebrities, or unattainable, or more important than they are and try their best to avoid having to talk to me and when they do they try to make me feel like I’m lucky to be talking to them, but the truth is that it’s one of the only places where 10 dollars puts that ego aside and leads to me grabbing their tits within about a minute of approaching them. The are just high volume shitty prostitutes that try to convince themselves that they are celebrities and I like to single out the one with the most attitude to use.
Either way, this weekend, the stripper was some fitness bitch who was more acrobatic than the other lazy sluts. She was bouncing off the walls, flipping herself in all ways possible and knew how to work the crowd because she spread her ass apart on stage like it was a cheap porno shoot. She had a hard face from years of smoking, drinking and drugs and her body was fuckin’ tight and she was doing it all to a Fergie song and I thought that I just witnessed some kind of ironic moment, but don’t know what the word ironic means so can’t be too sure….
Here’s Fergie in a bikini from this past weekend with her tight body and hard face….unfortunately she’s not spreading her ass like my Fergie was, but I guess this is as close as she gets….since she’s famous and doesn’t need to do it to pay her rent which is really too bad because Fergie was a drug addicted child star who burnt through all her money and could have either gone deeper into the gutter, but somehow managed to get out that makes us the real losers in this whole recovery shit…
I am hooked on posting morning TV clips of the day, I think it’s because I don’t have a TV and I am jonesing, but it’s also because pictures bore the fuck out of me. At least with videos, I can watch what a mess people make of themselves while trying to sing or while doing interviews and that’s a lot less interesting than just imagining their it my head while looking at a picture because in my imagination it always leads to a hardcore porno scene, but watching it play out on video is usually a lot less work for my hungover brain.
It’s kinda like when you were forced to jerk off to pics that took 4 minutes to load on the computer back in 1996, when you first got your internet and where you’d be up all hours of the night talking to 18 year old SxxyGrrl69 from New Mexico while jerking off to porn pics you found on SublimeDirectory just sitting there waiting 5 minutes for the good part of the picture with a little pussy getting fucked so that you could set the scene as it took forever to load so you could drop your load to the elaborate story you imagined…then one day discovering you can watch the sex clips instead.
Either way, here’s Fergie singing like an angel this morning and she sounds like she’s been up all night on a coke binge while singing some kind of Disney Cinderella bullshit in some kind of sleep deprived, drug induced hallucination and it brought sunshine to this glorious day but not as much sunshine as Regis brought when he pretty much apologized for the horrible noise when they came back from commercial before Kelly told him it was a Fergie sng. That’s the kind of honesty that makes Live TV funny…because even Regis knows Fergie sucks.
Bonus - Here’s Her Interview That I Didn’t Watch Because If She’s Not Naked, I’m Not Listening..
I didn’t watch the American Music Awards because they are a waste of fucking time, even though every acceptance speech is about how shit changes lives, but unfortunately my life wasn’t one of those lives changed today, because I don’t own a TV, but if I did, I’d be living the fuckin’ dream and I am pretty sure I’d be watching scrambled porn, not because I like porn, but because distorted blue and green sex scenes excite me more than Dick Clark’s bullshit award show.
I tried getting someone in LA to crash red carpet for this event for stepTV, but I have no real pull, I couldn’t get press access and security’s a bitch, not to mention the dude I know in LA doesn’t have a camera and can barely speak english, but it still would have been better coverage than the actually award show, but that’s just like comparing a hot girl to some fat one night stand you once brought home when drunk because she was willing and you are an opportunist who doesn’t turn down a girl when she offers you creampie, unfortunately when you got back to her place, you realized that by creampie bitch actually meant a cream pie and you sat there eating whip cream and watching reruns of Seinfeld, because that’s all that was on at 4 am, until you sobered up and had to peace the fuck out because you realized that her elastic waistband on her sweat pants wasn’t something that could really get you off and for the record stepTV is that fat chick because it’s lower quality but makes for a better fuckin’ story.
I am recovering from binge drinking like a sorority girl during Homecoming week, and I don’t remember all that much of the last two nights, but I do know I laughed a lot so if you’re lucky I’ll bring some of that to you here, it happens sometimes, just not in this post.
Here are the arrival pictures from the AMAs.
Beyonce’s Got Some Insane Cleavage Going On….I Guess Someone’s Been Eating Her Fried Chicken
Alicia Keys Did Some Choreographed Dance Routine I Didn’t Understand
Amanda Bynes Got Some Fucking Legs
Ashley Tisdale is Hot Right Now, Like a Busted Old Pick-Up Truck In Your Front Lawn on a Hot Summer’s Day…
Avril Lavigne Dressed Like an Academy Award, If Academy Awards Had Stupid Hair
Some Carrie Underwood Wearing Curtains
Jennie Garth Dancing With Her Old Face…Which She Thinks is a Star…But Really Isn’t
Rihanna in Some Halloween Costume Shit Still Lookin’ Hot…
Vanessa Hudgens Because We’ve All Seen Her Naked and I Like to Show Love To Bitches Who Get Naked….
Fergie because Her Body is Too Good to be a Man
Nicole Scherzinger Because Her Dress Reminds Me of This Retarded Kids Art Project But Less Attractive….
Kellie Pickler Because We Like to Support Her Fake Tits
Miley Cyrus Because She’s Jailbait and has the Coolest Fuckin’ Father to Ever Grace the Radio With His Fucking Annoying Song….
I am calling fake on this one. There are so many tight bodied party sluts with haggard faces. Half of the strippers in this city look like Fergie and dress like her too. I am not sure what came first the Fergie or the Fergie outfit, because I wouldn’t be surprised if these bitches sat around analyzing her videos and copying her game because she’s an idol of theirs, like one of their own who actually made it in the world and doesn’t have to do 10 dollar lap dances anymore to pay for her cocaine and that’s inspiring to whores everywhere.
I live in a pretty open minded city when it comes to Fags, mostly because there are a lot of fucking fags and we don’t have a choice in the matter.
It’s funny when I talk to other people tho, cause I hear that it’s not so liberal in other places, and I guess the liberal in me says I should be able to fuck who I want, make or female, and everyone else has that right as well.
Still, I think we are making big moves forward for the Gays when I turn on the television and I see an old homo with a heavily made up drag queen next to him on stage singing a duet together for all of America to see. THAT my friends, is progress!
