I love that people are even talking about Heather Locklear’s drunken antics when all bitch is doing is throwing the shocker and showing us various ways she rock’s the clit, because she is substantially less messy than me or anyone I know who gets drunk, like when I get a little carried away, I don’t just throw out the shocker for laughs, I enforce the shocker and the unsuspecting victim would totally be against it if she wasn’t passed out on the club bathroom floor after puking herself to borderline death. If I had my way, I wished being over-served led to silliness and not illegal shit, because I’d have a much less guilty conscience and probably a few more friends than just my wife, and she’s only my friend because she’s got absolutely no choice.

Here’s some Old Lady Locklear getting all competitive with Denise Richards and going as far as to stage her own bikini photoshoot with the paparazzi because her ego hasn’t fully recovered from having her husband leave her or the younger tighter body. She’s trying to prove to herself and to us that she’s got it going on and the truth is that she looks better than most 50 year old, but then again her life consists of doing absolutely nothing, so I can only assume that staying in shape and trying to retain as much of the sex appeal that got her this career in the first place is top priority, so in that case she’s doing a pretty shitty job of it.

There used to be a show on called Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon where you’d try to figure out how a person was six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon….I am generally bad at games because I find them ridiculous and every time I end up at someone’s house and the board games are out, I drink the the free booze, eat the free food, then make my escape because playing that shit makes me feel like a total asshole and it’s embarrassing that at 38 I’d still find entertainment out of something so ridiculous, but today, I broke free from that because Heather Locklear’s six degrees from Kevin Bacon is easy. I forgot where I was going with this, but Locklear is still a slut, even as she enters the golden years of her life and that’s all I have to say about that.

Heather Locklear may be old, but she’s a good kind of old. She’s the type of old who has a lot of money and very little to do. I don’t think she’s been on TV or in Movies in the last 5 years, but for some reason is so vain that she spends her days with personal trainers and diet coaches to ensure that she’s still got some work in her. Maybe the reason she does that is because she built her career on being the hot blonde bitch guys wanted to fuck and got casted in whatever the fuck she’s done to try to lure in male audiences so we could tolerate her useless shows while our wives and girlfriends made us watch them. That pressure is a good thing, because she doesn’t want to retire and is maintaining that sex appeal. I guess it’s working because when I look at these pictures I get annoyed that she’s taking preventative measures to not expose too much….I guess what she doesn’t realize is that if a little panty saw the light of day, every fucking blog would be up on this shit and she’d be the topic of discussion at the water cooler in an office near you, possibly landing her the role of a lifetime.

I was at the stripclub this weekend because I accidentally joined a bachelor party that was walking by me while downtown. I was trying to get a few dollars to buy beer and they liked me enough to invite me along. They were drunk and when the bachelor got on stage to be humiliated, the strippers took all their contempt for me grabbing at them out on him. He ended up completely naked and I had never seen that kind of abuse during one of these shows. Dude was drunk and ended up pushing a stripper to the ground and running off stage, tripping, and landing on me naked. It was an interesting way to meet the guy I was partying for. Either way, there were 2 young chicks from New York there with their boyfriends, both were hot and part of the Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lohan generation where being a slut is cool. They were so into the stripping that when my new found friends asked if they would give him a lap dance, they said sure. I ended up tagging along to the booth with them because I don’t give up any opportunity to see non-strippers in a strip club strip. I watched them dance around for 2 songs and all bitch did was show us her fucking bra. I kept asking for some nipple or ass and they weren’t having it. They were a lot like Heather Locklear holding back on all of us, and I guess the only think I can say is that it is a pretty frustrating and disappointing feeling. Cocktease.

Bonus - A Girls Aloud Chick Preventing a Getting Out of the Car Upskirt….and A Girls Aloud Chick Having a Total Upskirt

I am pretty fucking sure I have seen these pictures of Heather Locklear learning how to surf in a bikini but I tried scrubbing the site to see if I am repeating myself and I realized that looking through the archives was too much work and that it would be easier for me to just post them. Aren’t you glad I let you in on my thought process instead of just posting the pics and writing some lame joke about her tits, her fat friend used to make her look skinny, her solid body for a 40 year old groupie slut who bangs rockers, but instead I wasted your time.

Speaking of wasting time, I didn’t leave my shitty apartment all weekend. I was convinced that staying in was the way to healthy living because everytime I do end up leaving, I end up getting drunk.

I did go on a walk through the park and it was some park festival and they had shitty Bar Mitzvah DJs playing shitty pop music while kids ate hamburgers and roasted Marshmallows with lesbian looking scout councilors because you know any adult in Scouts is either a lesbian, child molester, loser with no friends or purpose but an aptitude in survival, or overbearing parents that want to watch over their kids every fucking second of the day.

That said, I got sprayed by some kid’s watergun and it made me mad. This has been an amazing fucking story. Part of me wants to apologize for running off on such useless shit, but then my rational side reminds me that I hate you, that this is my website, and that I can write about picking my asshole to see if I can smell last night’s dinner after digestion on it and you can’t say much about it.

Heather Locklear may be hot, but she’s getting old making her like last night’s dinner rather than tonight’s dinner, if you know what I mean…if you don’t it means she’s already been digested, but I haven’t shit her out yet, because I still have a little more lovin’ to give in me, but she’s old news and not as exciting as tonight’s dinner that I am already hungry for because I only eat one meal a day but still manage to keep getting fatter.

Ok. Enough of this.