I was hanging out with Julien at the gay bar on the weekend, you know, me being Julien’s fag hag and all, and telling him how when I watch porn to masterbate to, I only like to watch girl-on-girl shit. He says its because I am, in fact gay, and I said its because porn guys are disgusting to anybody thats not a gay man. We had to agree to disagree on this one. The topic then moved solely onto masterbation, a portion of which I have included here.

PS: He still thinks I’m gay.

Girls are really fucked up about masturbation. I’m not talking on the whole Guys can talk about jerking off but girls aren’t allowed to, double standard thing (yeah yeah I know you have a vibrator, you’re so empowered, big whoop). No, girls are fucked up about masturbation because they have to many moral hang-ups about who to masturbate to.

I was talking to a few female friends about their fantasies and because they are all children of the 80’s, they all had a thing for Michael J. Fox, specifically in the Back to the Future movies. They all had these elaborate scenarios that they used, most involved the DeLorean, some involved Christopher Lloyd (ok that was a joke but I do think that would be kind of hot). Anyway, so I asked them if they still masturbate to young Michael J. Fox and they were all like No way! That’s sick! He has Parkinsons! So basically, the fact that he used to be hot and he now has a disease has stopped them from masturbating to him all together.

Now I don’t understand this at all. I jerk off to anyone I want to, I don’t give a fuck how they die. Some of my all time best fantasies are: River Phoenix, Christopher Reeves as Superman and Freddy Mercury. But my all time masturbation champ would have to be Jesus (Christ, not Martinez. Although if comes back from his trip all tanned and trim, he might work for him). Yeah man Jesus is fucking hot, I don’t care that he was crucified and is the son of God, he has a really tight body and could probably do all kinds of freaky shit in bed. Demigod sex is so where it’s at.

So my advice to everyone is to masturbate to whomever the fuck you want to. If you want to rev your vibrator up to the max and have multiple orgasms about Marty McFly, go right ahead, the fact that he is all shaky and shit now doesn;t cancel out that he used to be hot. But if you still have some weird hangup about it here are some almost cleavage shots of Jennifer Esposito. She used to be on Spin City with Mr. J. Fox. Maybe she can be the next best thing.

Smooch!

Julien